"Look, do you know anything that's NOT by Randy Newman? I'm getting a migraine here."


"Look, do you know anything that's NOT by Randy Newman? I'm getting a migraine here."

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

NEW ORLEANS leaps out and latches itself onto the audience's face.

NEW ORLEANS

HEY EVERYBODY, I'M NEW ORLEEEEAAAANS!!!

ANIKA NONI ROSE

And I'm Anika, a hard-working-

NEW ORLEANS

JAZZ! MARDIS GRAS! VOODOO! BAYOUS! WOOOOOO!

ANIKA NONI ROSE

We GET IT, shut UP. As I was saying, I'm a hard-working waitress saving patiently to fulfill my lifelong dream of owning a restaurant.

JENNIFER CODY

And I'm a spoilt, idiotic heiress who loves princesses and fairy tales and always gets what she wants!! Golly!!

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Yikes. Well, I look forward to you getting your eventual comeuppance.

JENNIFER CODY

Comeuppance?! But according to the movie, I'm your bestest friend in the whole world!!

ANIKA NONI ROSE

What? But-

JENNIFER CODY

Anyway, there's a PRINCE comin' to town, and I'm havin' Daddy throw him a big party so I can marry him and be a princess-

ANIKA NONI ROSE

-every part of that sentence was completely contemptible-

JENNIFER CODY

-so why don't you do the caterin'?!

She hands Anika a HUGE, RANDOM PILE OF CASH.

JENNIFER CODY

I obviously have no concept of the value of money, but I trust you not to take advantage of that fact!!

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Erm, of course not. Woot! This is enough to start that restaurant! Remember, kids, if you work hard and never let go of your dream, one day your rich idiot friend will just shove lots of money into your hands.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

PRINCE BRUNO CAMPOS OF MADEUPISTAN hangs out with the people of NEW ORLEANS in the streets of NEW ORLEANS.

PETER BARTLETT

Sire, do you think it's wise, or indeed plausible, for a man who's been identified as visiting royalty on the front page of the newspaper to wander the streets accompanied only by an out-of-shape manservant?

BRUNO CAMPOS

Hey, I think I can take care of myself.

They are confronted by a HALF-NAKED MAN with CRAZY EYES and a SKULL PAINTED ON HIS HAT.

KEITH DAVID

Wanna come to a deserted back alley for unspecified purposes?

BRUNO CAMPOS

I SURE DO!

They all go back to Keith's voodoo den, where he turns Bruno into a FROG, and Peter into BRUNO WITH A WHINY BRITISH ACCENT.

KEITH DAVID

Now YOU can marry Jennifer, and WE can split her father's fortune! We just need to hang onto Bruno to occasionally harvest his genetic material.

PETER BARTLETT

Good plan! Just one thing: wouldn't it have made more sense to turn him into a tortoise or a sloth or something? I mean, frogs are kind of tricky to - oops there he goes.

Bruno flees to Jennifer's party, where Anika has just had her restaurant dream screwed over.

EVIL REAL ESTATE AGENT

Sorry, we had a better offer. Also, allow me to make a vague hint at racism, thus acknowledging its existence in 1920s America and narrowly avoiding another Song of the South.

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Oh no, where will I find another entertainment venue in New Orleans? My life is ruined!

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

Hey, she's wearing a tiara at a party, so she must be a princess! And since a children's story once said something about a princess's kiss reversing frog transformations, that must work in real life too! Boy, I'm jumping to all sorts of logical conclusions today! Hey lady, kiss me and break this curse, ta very much.

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Ew, no!

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

...Really? My life is effectively ruined unless you give me a quick peck on the lips. This is basic human decency here.

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Maybe, but frogs are gross, so go fuck yourself.

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

Come on, I'll help you with that restaurant you're saving up for. I seem to find that a perfectly non-suspicious life goal for a princess, by the way.

ANIKA NONI ROSE

CHA-CHING! Lips, do your duty!

She kisses him, but then SHE TURNS INTO A FROG INSTEAD.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

What the fuck?! Why the hell would this happen?

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

Huh. I guess that royals are just inherently superior beings, and magic wilts before their blazing magnificence; but since you tried the same thing with your filthy peasant mouth, you must be punished for your insolence.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Wow, magic is a classist prick.

Suddenly a bunch of IMPLAUSIBLE SLAPSTICK happens, stranding them in a swamp.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Uh oh, Disney wilderness! Be careful, this place is a breeding ground for over-the-top action comedy, sappy musical numbers, and above all, wacky-

MICHAEL-LEON WOOLEY

Did somebody say "wacky animal sidekicks"?

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Crap! Maybe if we stay perfectly still they won't see us.

MICHAEL-LEON WOOLEY

Hi, I'm an alligator who dreams of playing jazz trumpet on a riverboat!

JIM CUMMINGS

And I'm a Cajun firefly who's in love with the planet Venus.

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

The hell? Did we just wander into Mad Libs: The Movie?

JIM CUMMINGS

Say, if you want to turn human again, you should talk to Jennifer Lewis, the local voodoo priestess.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

It bodes well for Disney's big foray into racial sensitivity that two of the three important African-American characters have voodoo powers.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

JENNIFER LEWIS

Well, good news: Bruno's moronic "princess kiss" theory is totally on the money. You just need to find a princess.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Well, Jennifer Cody's dad has been selected as king of the Mardis Gras. Does she count?

JENNIFER LEWIS

As a proper, magic-approved princess? ...No. Fuck no. I mean, what kind of idiot - that's like asking Judge Reinhold to get you out of your parking tickets. What the hell is wrong with you?

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Aw, shucks. I guess this movie'll just have to keep on going, then.

JENNIFER LEWIS

Uh, did I say "no"? I meant "sure, that's really no dumber than everything else going on here"

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

They head back to see Jennifer Cody, but on the way Bruno gets RE-KIDNAPPED for his PRECIOUS DNA. Then Jennifer goes to marry fake Bruno on a huge float in the Mardis Gras parade, because OF COURSE SHE FUCKING WOULD.

KEITH DAVID

Bwa ha ha, using my voodoo magic I will now make Jennifer's dad mysteriously drop dead the split second she and Peter are married! This would only cast suspicion on me if the whole town knew I was an evil voodoo con man, which they DO.

But Jim steals Keith's BRUNO-FAKING MACGUFFIN, passing it on to Anika before Keith KILLS HIM TO DEATH WITH MURDER. A loud "crack" sound goes through the cinema as dozens of childhoods end simultaneously.

JIM CUMMINGS

O I am slain! As I have my picturesque death and bittersweet final words, please don't ask why I'm not a sticky smear on the pavement right now!

(dies)

KEITH DAVID

Anika, I need that MacGuffin for some reason even though the jig is up with Jennifer and my plan is already ruined! Allow me to turn you human, then tempt you with visions of a life of restauranty luxury. This will surely work unless you know I'm an evil voodoo con man, which you DO.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

You can magic all that, but you can't magic a thing out of my hand? Just die now, you sucky piece of suck.

She DESTROYS THE MACGUFFIN, and Keith gets DRAGGED TO HELL BY DEMONS. The childhood traum-o-meter is now spiking off the charts.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

Bruno is wrangling a deal where he'll marry Jennifer Cody if she'll DE-FROGGIFY everyone.

JENNIFER CODY

Aw shucks, it's okay, you can marry Anika!! It's so ROMANTIC!! Princesses and weddin's, true love and happy endin's, rainbows and unicorns, EEEEE!!

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

Oh man, I just realised - you're the target demographic for this movie, aren't you?

Jennifer kisses Bruno, but WHOOPS, too late!

JENNIFER CODY

Mardis Gras's over!! Oh no, I wasn't a princess when I kissed ya!!

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Then WHY AREN'T YOU A FROG RIGHT NOW, BITCH?!

FROG BRUNO CAMPOS

Don't worry! With your wealthy friend's resources, and my royal connections, finding a real princess to do the job should be easy.

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

Nah. Let's give up. Get frog-married. Live in a swamp. Eat talking insects. Die at thirty, assuming a bird doesn't eat us first.

JENNIFER CODY

Sounds swell!! Can I come to the weddin'?!

FROG ANIKA NONI ROSE

For some reason, no.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

By the power vested in her by ABSOLUTELY NOBODY, Jennifer Lewis weds Anika and Bruno. When they kiss, they turn human again!

BRUNO CAMPOS

Oh thank god! That honeymoon was gonna be disturbing.

JENNIFER LEWIS

See, now that you're married, she's a princess and you kissed her and et cetera! I could have told you this earlier, but haven't you really learnt something this way?

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Ha ha, you cheeky devil! Also, this way Jim got crushed to death and is dead.

What's more, Anika gets the restaurant after all, by threatening the real estate agents with her alligator friend.

ANIKA NONI ROSE

Well, that's a fine message to be sending to the kids: idealism and hard work is fine and all, but money and muscle win every time.

(pause)

Wait a minute, that's actually an EXCELLENT lesson. Holy shit, I think Disney accidentally made their best movie ever!

END.


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