The rush to make a Justice League Movie led to sloppy effects and some budget cuts.


The rush to make a Justice League Movie led to sloppy effects and some budget cuts.

THE LEGO MOVIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NOT QUITE MINES OF MORIA

Evil WILL FERRELL steals SOME WEAPON from WIZARD MORGAN FREEMAN, who's busy wondering how much of this stop-motion Lego animation is COMPLETELY FAKE and how much is REALLY COOL STOP-MOTION (Spoiler: it's all COMPLETELY FAKE).

CGI WILL FERRELL

So we open with an homage to "Lord of the Rings," eh? Where's Aragorn and LEGOlas? Ha ha!

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

(dramatic)

In a world filled with Oscar-grubbing depressants and money-grubbing franchises, one movie will boldly rise to be original by cut-and-pasting iconic moments from OTHER movies together with an animated toy tie-in! PRAISE BE!

EXT. LEGO-OPOLIS CITY

CHRIS PRATT checks his MANUAL OF CONFORMITY BY GEORGE ORWELL to discover he is, ironically, a PRAT.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Conformity is bad

That's the moral of the day,

So we'll open our non-conformist animation

With an extended song, hooray!

This is the only song

You'll be hearing on this day

It's catchy but it gets old fast

And keeps re-using rhymes. Hooray!

CHRIS goes about the city, doing things that show off all the cool uses LEGOS can be put to when you have your very own LEGO-Animating computer software. Suddenly he finds a MYSTICAL BLOCK.

BLOCK

Touch me... Ohhhh yessss touch me... Mmmmm I like that yessss...

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Inappropriate... subtext... CAN'T RESIST

(touches block, which sticks to his back)

CHRIS is kidnapped by WILL'S HENCHMEN, led by PROFESSOR LIAM NEESON QUIRRELL.

CGI LIAM NEESON

I am a bad guy. My name is literally "Bad Cop." I have a good face on the back of my head-

LIAM'S GOOD FACE

(muffled in helmet)

Mmmmmmmmmmph!

CGI LIAM NEESON

-who hasn't suffocated somehow. Now Chris, I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next 5 seconds, and you're going to swallow a lot of blood for a fucking billfold.

But ELIZABETH BANKS saves CHRIS by MURDERING 50 HENCHMEN and DODGING 5,000 BULLETS. They have a REALLY VIOLENT CAR CHASE that kills 100 MORE PEOPLE but it is ANIMATED and therefore IMMUNE to the MPAA.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

There, we've gone through the magic world-barrier to the next level! Access the Main Menu now to unlock four new playable characters.

EXT. THE LEGO-LD WEST

They arrive in the LEGO WESTERN SET and endure a brief montage of ADS FOR OTHER LEGO PRODUCTS.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Who are you? And what's so special about this block stuck to my back?

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Because you've found the magic block, you are prophesized to destroy Will Ferrell's weapon and- Hey, you're not listening to me!

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Why would I bother listening? You burst into a fully-armed lair and destroyed over a hundred guys shooting at you from all sides. You can build anything around you into anything else. There's no conflict that could possibly beat you, you can solve this whole problem yourself.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Uh...What's happening? My awesome ninja skills are slowly leaking away as the plot requires tension to rise!

They find MORGAN FREEMAN disguised as a PIANO PLAYER for no reason other than to wonder how LEGO PEOPLE can play a PIANO.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

I am Elizabeth Banks. I must seek your help.

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

I'm sorry, I don't know you.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

What? Yes you do, I'm-

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

Come on. You're definitely not Elizabeth Banks.

ELIZABETH sighs, pops off her Gothic Hairpiece, and puts on an Oversized Effie Trinket Capitol Party Hairpiece available at select LEGO sales outlets near you.

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

Ah, you ARE Elizabeth Banks! Come, we must enter Chris Pratt's mind to discover his hidden imaginative powers.

They enter CHRIS PRATT'S MIND, which looks like a paused frame from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Wow, Chris, your mind is completely empty.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Maybe we have to... go one level deeper?

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

NO, Chris, you have to think ORIGINAL thoughts! Only originality can allow you to access Will Ferrell's evil tower and destroy his mysterious weapon! Following the INSTRUCTIONS will accomplish nothing, you must build what is not on the page!

CGI CHRIS PRATT

So, the whole shtick of this movie is NOT to follow those build-this-design-kits that LEGO makes so much money from. This could be viewed as "Crummy Marketing."

INT. WILL FERRELL'S GIGANTIC TOWER OF EVIL

LIAM NEESON meets WILL FERRELL in his lair atop KADATH IN THE COLD WASTE.

CGI WILL FERRELL

Soon I will use my glue weapon to freeze everything so it will stay the same way FOREVER! Ha ha, RULES and ORDER are the by-products of evil, kids, you should be out playing with toys instead of dragging your parents to watch movies!

He forces LIAM to FREEZE HIS PARENTS FOREVER, then DISSOLVES HIS FACE IN ACID.

LIAM'S GOOD FACE

(melting off)

WHAT KIND OF KID'S MOVIE IS THIS AAAAAUGH

CGI WILL FERRELL

A movie that challenges viewers to wonder how Lego-People even have parents! Chew on THAT one.

CGI LIAM NEESON

Dude, if this movie were realistic it would be called "The People Stepping on Hard Bits of Plastic Movie."

CGI WILL FERRELL

Stay tuned for "Lego Two: Rise of the Choking Hazard!"

EXT. LEGO-LD WEST

BAD GUYS APPEAR and there's another STAR WARS LASER FIGHT. Hundreds are brutally killed. At one point, ELIZABETH crushes someone's body and their decapitated head rolls toward the camera in slow-motion.

BATMAN

(appearing)

Boo! I'm Batman! Hey, shouldn't I be "CGI Will Arnett?"

FUCK THAT, YOU'RE BATMAN.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Whoa, Batman! Batman is awesome! Remember, everyone, my character has nothing but dumb conformist thoughts fed to him by over-hyped media sensations!

BATMAN

Shut up. We have to visit a council of pop culture references based on best-selling action figures. This means we must travel to the land of-

EXT. THE LAND OF EYE-ASSAULTING VISUALS

CGI CHRIS PRATT

AAAAAAUGH! I'VE GONE BLIND!

CGI ALISON BRIE

Welcome to the Hyper-Cutesy land of Bright Colors and Epilepsy! I'm your new sidekick, and I make Jar-Jar Binks look like Gandalf!

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

(looking around)

I feel like someone at Westboro tried poisoning an entire gay pride parade, but instead gave everyone rainbow diarrhea and subsequently created this world.

CGI ALISON BRIE

Stop, that's NEGATIVE! Everyone here is SUPER HAPPY ALL THE TIME! We have no rules of any kind, because Anarchy is Fun!

BAD GUYS burst in and RUTHLESSLY SLAUGHTER all the citizens of HappyLand, DESTROYING ALL THE BUILDINGS and FLINGING THE BURNING RUBBLE INTO THE OCEAN. ALISON watches as bits of her friends and family sink into the sea.

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

(to camera)

Next time, you should rent Evil Dead for your kids and stay home. At least you'll give them a head start in pop culture quips.

BATMAN

EVERYBODY INTO THE BADLY-ANIMATED WATER!

They escape by floating away on CHRIS' STUPID COUCH INVENTION.

CGI MORGAN FREEMAN

Ah-Ha, Chris! That's it! You can save us by thinking of ideas so dumb and stupid-sounding, no one would ever expect them to be any good!

CGI CHRIS PRATT

You mean, like, a full-length Lego Movie?

They get rescued by a TRANSFORMER PIRATE or something, then build a SPACESHIP to reach WILL FERRELL'S TOWER.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Uh-oh, guys, our ship needs a HyperDrive to fly. Too bad we can't build a HyperDrive in two seconds like we can build everything else.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Pfft, how are we going to get a HyperDrive? You think the Millennium Falcon is going to show up out of no where and-

The MILLENNIUM FUCKING FALCON shows up from FUCKING NO WHERE with BILLY DEE WILLIAMS, ANTHONY DANIELS and a FAKE HARRISON FORD to save the day. They try to go into HYPERDRIVE and FAIL.

Then they all DIE. That SERIOUSLY HAPPENS.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

At least we killed off Star Wars before J.J. Abrams could sign on Damon Lindelof to rewrite Episode VII.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Now to perform our dramatic heist of Ferrell Tower, the most advanced security system in the Universe...

INT. FERRELL TOWER

The DRAMATIC HEIST is over in 30 SECONDS. Everyone SUCCEEDS, but then FAILS, so it didn't really matter anyway.

CGI WILL FERRELL

At last, I have captured you all. Now I will wire you into my kill-machine, strap Chris to the main battery, set a timer on the machine for several minutes, then walk out of the room and leave you unguarded!

CGI CHRIS PRATT

(rolls eyes)

Gosh, how will we ever escape?

BATMAN

Can't I escape from this anyway? I'm Batman.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Damn, the ninja-talent drained from you too. I guess Chris will have to fling himself off the tower and fall into the never-ending void sitting RIGHT THERE.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

How uncontrived. I guess that's it for me, because no one comes back from that void. No sir. I'm definitely leaving forever.

The Special Prophesized RANDOLPH CARTER, I mean CHRIS PRATT, jumps off the IMPOSSIBLY TALL TOWER OF KADATH, um, OF WILL FERRELL, to stop NYARLATHOTEP I mean WILL from taking over his BEAUTIFUL HOME CITY; he falls into the ENDLESS VOID but WAKES from his dream-state to find himself in the REAL-WORLD-VERSION of his CITY, which was in the ACTUAL WORLD ALL ALONG, in BOSTON, I mean in-

H.P. LOVECRAFT

(appearing as a zombie)

PLAAAAAAAAAGIARISM

INT. WILL FERRELL'S BASEMENT

CHRIS finds himself in a LIVE-ACTION LEGO MODEL CITY. Huh?

WILL FERRELL

Ha ha! I'm actually a businessman who won't let my kids play with my LEGOS!

CHRIS PRATT

What an identifiable problem for kids. Gosh, I hate it when my parents play with my toys too much.

WILL'S KID convinces WILL not to spray glue on everything, NO THANKS TO THE MOVIE'S HERO.

CHRIS PRATT

Aaaaand back to the world of LEGO I go to save the day, now that we know nothing I do has any bearing on the plot at all because it's all inside some kid's mind!

EXT. LEGO CITY

WILL'S GIANT GLUE MACHINES are freezing CIVILIANS.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

(appearing on TVs)

Everyone, listen to me! If you could all stop running from the glue machines for a motivational TV promo, I read the script for Mockingjay and it said this is how rebellions happen.

CIVILIANS

It worked! Let's use our sudden building-powers to save the day!

There is an IMPOSSIBLE-TO-FOLLOW BATTLE SEQUENCE.

CGI ALISON BRIE

I now see using ANGER to fight turns me into a BADASS! GRAAAGH!

(destroys enemies)

Anger is AWESOME! Luke Skywalker can kiss my Lego-Ass!

Eventually CHRIS PRATT meets WILL FERRELL (Lego version) as WILL'S KID meets WILL FERRELL (Real version).

WILL'S KID

Don't glue these together, Dad. I mean, what are you going to do with a basement full of LEGO buildings? Think of how boring and space-consuming that is.

WILL FERRELL

Gee, you're right. I see the error of my ways. This is totally emotional, it's great to see this father-son plot become the main focus of the climax when we only just discovered it was important.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

But I'M saying everything your kid is saying, because we were the same person all along! Get it?

WILL FERRELL

No.

WILL suddenly EXPLODES, probably from the abruptly accelerated character development.

CGI CHRIS PRATT

Now we can live happily ever after knowing some kid will one day grow bored of us and rip us apart, destroying our homes and our world at will.

CGI ELIZABETH BANKS

Remember, kids, don't follow the instructions! Build from your imagination!

BATMAN

And be sure to buy the movie tie-in merchandise, as well as the merchandise this movie was based on! Sequel coming in 2016!

END


Discussion