"THE PENIS MIGHTIER!"


"THE PENIS MIGHTIER!"

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OLD-TIMEY LONDON, NIGHT

A group of ENGLISH BOBBIES patrol the streets in front of the 20TH CENTURY FOX logo.

ENGLISH BOBBY #1

Hear-ye, hear-ye! The year is 1899 and tanks won’t exist for at least another 15 years!

Suddenly, a TANK crashes through a wall and charges down the street.

ENGLISH BOBBY #2

What the deuce?! Everyone shoot at it and blow your whistles!

(no effect)

Bloody hell! I’ll stop it by standing in front of it and blowing my whistle even more!

(squished)

The tank crashes into a BANK. Some HYDRA NAZIS jump out and kill everyone. Their leader, FANTOM WITH AN ‘F’, steps out, wearing RUBBER SCAR MAKEUP and a METAL MASK.

FANTOM WITH AN 'F'

In case you haven't noticed from my theatrical costume, guttural accent, and skull-tipped cane, I AM THE VILLAIN.

(breathes heavily through mouth)

To drive the point home, I'm now going to steal some stuff out of this vault-

(more mouth breathing)

-kidnap some scientists, blow up some blimps, and maybe take candy from a few babies.

HE DOES.

EXT. KENYA, DAY

A PROPER ENGLISH GENTLEMAN arrives at a large hotel. It’s filled with OLD SWEATY WHITE GUYS WITH MUTTON CHOPS. SEAN CONNERY sits in the back, reading a newspaper.

PROPER ENLISH GENTLEMAN

How do, good sir. I’m frightfully sorry to inform you that the British Empire is in need of your unmatched marksmanship and hand-to-hand combat skills.

SEAN CONNERY

Yesh, I’m sure it ish; I’m totally aweshome. But I’m shtill butthurt over not shtarring in the Lord of the Ringsh, sho fuck off.

A group of ARMORED COWBOYS burst in and start shooting. SEAN’S stunt double kicks the shit out of everybody, mostly by hitting them with small tables.

PROPER ENGLISH GENTLEMAN

One’s getting away, old bean!

SEAN runs outside, puts on his READING GLASSES, and shoots the last ARMORED COWBOY.

PROPER ENGLISH GENTLEMAN

Wow, you hit him from so far away! Er, well… he wasn’t THAT far away but I’m still impressed because it’s 1899! NOW will you come with me?

SEAN CONNERY

No thanksh. I’ve got a martini waiting inshide-

(building explodes)

Aw, fuck it. Let’sh go.

EXT. OLD-TIMEY LONDON, DAY

SEAN enters a mansion and meets RICHARD ROXBURGH.

RICHARD ROXBURGH

Thank you for coming, Sean. You can call me ‘M’.

SEAN CONNERY

Thish sheemsh familiar… brief me.

RICHARD ROXBURGH

This Fantom with an ‘F’ is a fiendish chap who’s trying to start a world war; he’s kidnapping all the world’s scientists and possesses extremely advanced, steam-punk weaponry. His next target is in Venice and we need you to lead a group of unique individuals to stop him.

NASEERUDDIN SHAH enters the room, dressed like the GENIE from Aladdin on Ice.

SEAN CONNERY

Ah, you musht be ‘Q’.

NASEERUDDIN SHAH

Actually, I’m Captain Nemo. But I possess a bunch of technology that couldn’t possibly exist in this era—so, yeah, I’m basically ‘Q’. And this is my first mate:

FIRST MATE

Call me Ishmael.

(beat)

Now that I’ve said that line, my usefulness in the movie is pretty much spent. I’ll just be over here…

SEAN CONNERY

Ishmael worked on Captain AHAB’SH ship, douchebag. Did anyone bother to reshearch thish shite?

RICHARD ROXBURGH

You will also be joined by a chemist, named PETA WILSON.

SEAN CONNERY

(scoffs)

A woman?! At besht, women are a dishtraction and, at worsht, they need a good open-handed shlap every now and then.

PETA enters, wiping blood off her face.

PETA WILSON

Oh, yeah? Well I’m a badass vampire and can take care of myself, you marble-mouthed prick!

(beat)

However, I WILL serve as a pretty big distraction, since practically every team member falls in love with me. Not to mention, I was the leader of this group in the graphic novel but now I’m just some side character who-

RICHARD ROXBURGH

(clears throat)

ANYWAY, there’s also STUART TOWNSEND…

STUART TOWNSEND enters, looking as metrosexual as ever.

STUART TOWNSEND

I’m completely indestructible. I’m also centuries old but will die instantly if I look at my own portrait… Wait, why the fuck did I tell you my only weakness even though I’m planning to betray you later on?

SEAN CONNERY

And why am I even here? I don’t have any powersh and almosht no one hash heard of the character I’m bashed upon!

RICHARD ROXBURGH

We needed you to help catch the infamous DR. JEKYLL and his alter-ego MR. HULK.

MR. HULK

(appears)

Yes, but it’s takes almost 40 minutes to introduce the whole team so let’s just say I’m already here.

SEAN CONNERY

Alright, then. The game ish-

Suddenly, a bunch of ARMORED COWBOY HYDRA NAZIS with machine guns step out from behind pillars and SURROUND them. SHANE WEST runs into the room with guns blazing.

SHANE WEST

Howdy, y’all! I’m Tom Sawyer and I’m here to help! My partner, Huck Finn, is busy so there will be a lot fewer N-words in this movie!

A FIGHT breaks out. Everybody shows off their super cool powers and NASEERUDDIN fights against MACHINE GUNS with just a SWORD and a CAN-DO attitude. Luckily, the ARMORED COWBOY HYDRA NAZIS have worse aim than STORMTROOPERS and everyone survives.

SEAN CONNERY

Ok, can we get thish show on the road or do we have any other ridiculoush charactersh to introdouche?

TONY CURRAN, the Invisible Man, speaks up.

TONY CURRAN

(powdering nose)

I didn’t want to say anything, but I’ve been here the whole time…

INT. CAPTAIN NEMO’S SWORD-SHAPED SUBMARINE SHIP

As the 20,000 Leagues of Extraordinary Gentlemen sail toward Venice, STUART skulks around the ship, STEALING everybody’s shit.

STUART TOWNSEND

Ok, I’ve got the blueprints for this ship, a vial of Dr. Jekyll’s Hulk Serum, a skin sample from the Invisible Man, and some hairs from Sean’s state of the art toupee. Now I just need to seduce Peta to get some of her blood…

PETA is in her room doing SCIENCY THINGS. STUART enters.

PETA WILSON

I’ve found evidence that someone may be trying to sabotage us. This ought to prove that women are more than just pieces of-

STUART TOWNSEND

Wanna fuck? We’re both immortal and hot, so…

PETA WILSON

(drops test tube)

Let’s get naked!

DR. JEKYLL peeps at them through a crack in the door.

DR. JEKYLL

Oh no, I’m so jealous and horny! And you won’t like me when I’m horny...

MR. HULK (V.O.)

Drink the serum! She doesn’t notice you now but she’ll surely want to bone you once you transform into a hideous, misshapen monster!

DR. JEKYLL

There’s nothing about that plan I don’t like.

(goes to room/opens serum box)

Oh, snap! One is missing. We ARE being sabotaged!!!

The ship’s crew SOUNDS THE ALARM and searches for the saboteur. The league meets in the wardroom but STUART and TONY are conspicuously ABSENT. NASEERUDDIN enters.

NASEERUDDIN SHAH

We found a recording disk inside that automobile I invented. Let me just pop it into this CD player that I also invented.

(hits play)

STUART TOWNSEND (V.O.)

Hello, league. I’m the one who stole your shit. Don’t bother looking for me because I already escaped in one of Naseeruddin's impractical, lop-sided escape pods. I work for Richard because he stole my portrait and I want it back.

RICHARD ROXBURGH (V.O.)

That’s right, league. I’ve been pretending to be Fantom with an ‘F’. The ‘M’ stands for ‘Moriarty’ AKA ‘Professor Moriarty’ AKA ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Arch Nemesis’ so you know I mean business. Now that I have your powers, I will use my super-army to take over the world!

(beat)

I'm also going to sell your powers to other organizations and lose my advantage... I haven't worked out all the details yet but my plan is brilliant and diabolical!

STUART TOWNSEND (V.O.)

I’m meeting Richard at his evil lair. He’s going to return my portrait so I’ll be in the same room with the ONLY thing in the universe that can kill me.

RICHARD ROXBURGH (V.O.)

I know what you’re thinking: What kind of moron would reveal his entire evil plan?

SEAN CONNERY

Not really, thish short of thing happensh to me all the time...

RICHARD ROXBURGH (V.O.)

This recording is playing an inaudible tone that’s going to set off bombs all over the ship and kill you all! MUHAHAHAHA-wait, maybe this was a stupid idea. I could have just had Stuart leave behind a simple time bomb instead of this plan-revealing, inaudible tone bullshit...

Several BOMBS explode and the ships starts sinking. DR. JEKYLL turns into MR. HULK and saves everyone.

DR. JEKYLL

(buttoning up new shirt)

It sure is lucky that Stuart didn’t steal ALL of my serum or break the other bottles because we would have been fucked! It’s also lucky that the serum only affects my upper body so my pants still fit!

SEAN CONNERY

(re-adjusting wig)

Ish everyone ok?

NASEERUDDIN SHAH

Ishmael is dead but no one important got hurt.

(cell phone chimes)

I just got a text from Tony on this cell phone I invented! He snuck aboard Stuart’s pod and will lead us to Richard’s evil lair!

EXT. FROZEN LAKES OF MONGOLIA, DAY

The league meets up with TONY, who leads them to RICHARD’S evil lair.

TONY CURRAN

Inside, Richard has a bunch of furnaces to make weapons, a group of kidnapped scientists working to re-create our powers, and a loyal army of HYDRA NAZI goons. Also, I’ve been naked in the snow for at least an hour but somehow have no signs of hypothermia.

SEAN CONNERY

Tony, I want you to shtick dynamite in all the furnachesh. Naseeruddin and Mr. Hulk will free the schientishtsh and take out the goonsh. Shane and I will go after Richard.

PETA WILSON

What about me?

SEAN CONNERY

I don’t know, go make yourshelf usheful, sugar titsh. Ready? Break!

PETA transforms into a swarm of bats and flies into STUART’S room.

PETA WILSON

Hello, lover. Care to re-enact the fight between Wolverine and Lady Deathstrike? We could slash each other’s faces and then watch them heal.

STUART TOWNSEND

Boring!

(stabs PETA in the chest)

PETA falls back on the bed, seemingly dead.

STUART TOWNSEND

(actual line)

I hoped I’d get to nail you one more time. I didn’t think it’d be literally.

PETA jumps up and stabs STUART through the belly, pinning him to the wall.

PETA WILSON

Not the first time you’ve been penetrated, eh, fancy pants?

STUART TOWNSEND

My quip was better.

PETA WILSON

Bullshit, you didn’t even stab me with a nail!

(picks up portrait)

Peek-a-boo!

STUART sees the portrait and turns into the Crypt Keeper before melting into an ugly puddle. Meanwhile, NASEERUDDIN and MR. HULK free the scientists and kick the shit out of the HYDRA NAZIS. One breaks away and grabs a giant flask of HULK SERUM.

MR. HULK

No! Don’t drink the whole thing!

(beat)

Well, you’re not really drinking it-just dumping it all over yourself like a cooler of Gatorade-but this is still bad.

The HYDRA NAZI transforms into a WILDLY MISSHAPEN CGI HULK.

MR. HULK

OH FUCK, RUN! His one skinny little arm is grossing me out! Plus, my serum is wearing off!

(transforms back into DR. JEKYLL)

NASEERUDDIN and DR. JEKYLL get cornered.

NASEERUDDIN SHAH

Oh no! Only an explosion that caves in the roof can save us now!

Elsewhere, in the lair's tallest tower, SEAN and SHANE find RICHARD.

SEAN CONNERY

Ha-ha, we’ve got you! Nothing short of an explosion that cavesh in the roof can shave you now.

TONY’S dynamite detonates and causes an EXPLOSION THAT CAVES IN THE ROOF. The WILDLY MISSHAPEN CGI HULK gets crushed and NASEERUDDIN and DR. JEKYLL get away. RICHARD STABS SEAN in the back, jumps out the window, FLOATS gracefully down to the ground, and starts running away.

SHANE WEST

What the hell? Was he wearing a Batman cape that lets him glide? Is there a deleted scene that explains that?

SEAN CONNERY

Shoot the bashtard!

SHANE WEST

I thought you said we need him alive to discover his secrets?

SEAN CONNERY

Fuck that! I want him and his shecretsh dead! Nobody makesh me climb shtairsh!

SHANE WEST

There’s no way I could do that! He’s like a mile away!

SEAN CONNERY

Jusht relax and take your time.

SHANE WEST

Oh, is that all I have to do to make this impossible shot?

(shoots RICHARD)

I got him! Did you see?

(beat)

... Sean?

EXT. KENYA, DAY

The league reunites to attend SEAN’s funeral.

NASEERUDDIN SHAH

We're gathered here today to mourn the death of Sean Connery’s career. Does anyone have anything to say?

PETA WILSON

... Not really. He was kind of a chauvinist dick.

SHANE WEST

But... he was like a father to me.

PETA WILSON

You’re on thin ice, too, Shane. Tom Sawyer was known for his charm and wit but you’re as charismatic as a block of wood.

DR. JEKYLL

What should we do now?

TONY CURRAN

The only thing the studio will let us do: Bring Sean back to life so that we can keep this franchise going.

A WITCH DOCTOR appears and begins dancing around SEAN’S grave.

WITCH DOCTOR

(chanting)

COME-back-to-life, MAKE-more-mon-ey, FORM-u-la-ic, PLOT-twist-end-ing...

The ground catches fire, the sky turns blood red, and the dirt on the grave shakes uncontrollably until...

SEAN CONNERY’S CORPSE

Fuck thish shite, I’m shtaying dead!

END

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