This election cycle has really taken its toll on Hillary.


This election cycle has really taken its toll on Hillary.

THE LAST WITCH HUNTER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. WESTEROS - 800 YEARS AGO

VIN DIESEL and his GRUNGE ROCK MOHAWK are hanging out with a group of VIKING LARPERS.

VIKING LEADER

We’re going to kill evil witch queen Julie Engelbrecht in her giant Tree of Evil because she’s trying to wipe out humanity with piranha flies. Now you all run in and get yourselves brutally killed while I stay behind and survive, verily!

VIN runs into the EVIL TREE and all the REDSHIRTS are killed by ORCS! Evil witch queen JULIE ENGELBRECHT appears.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Please ignore the fact I’m covered from head to toe in chunky peanut butter. Now I’ll attack Vin with my swarm of horrible CGI flies that will not kill him, but will annoy him, slightly!

VIN DIESEL

(shuffles playing cards)

I defend with my Plot Armor, then stack that with a Flaming Sword attack.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

(rearranging playing cards)

I block you with a magic enchantment, then I’ll play my “I killed your wife and daughter, muhahahaha, haha” attack card. +4 damage to your Plot Armor.

VIN DIESEL

(organizing playing cards)

Shit! Okay okay, I’ll block with my Gravely Voice card and invoke my Main Character Invincibility Power card. +5 damage to your lame magic CGI bullshit.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Wow Vin, for a musclebound meat-head you're surprisingly good at this role playing game that this movie seems to be loosely based on. Are you some kind of Dungeons & Dragons nerd?

VIN DIESEL

What? Uh no, not me, no way no how, that stuff's for scrawny pimply faced dorks who don't get laid.

(chugs a 12-pack of beer and crushes the cans on his forehead)

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Are you sure? Because I just read "30 Years of Adventure: A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons" and I'm pretty sure a potato-headed guy who looks suspiciously just like you wrote the foreword

(is stabbed)

Fucker! As my dying act I curse you with immortality so that you will never know the sweet release of death!

VIN DIESEL

Gee, thanks! That’s every human’s dream come true!

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Uh, wait, I don’t think you understand what a curse is--

VIN DIESEL

Now I’ll live long enough to see all the cool future technology like flying cars and great Broadway shows like Hamilton!

(realizes tickets are sold out 800 years in advance)

Already?! FUCK! I guess I'll just have to settle for using my new-found immortality to viciously murder evil witches like Julie out of existence for centuries to come!

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

No seriously, think about it, you’ll never die, this is a terrible thing I've done to you--

VIN DIESEL

Hey, if you had this power why not just make yourself an unkillable immortal? Did you not think of that?

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Hey you're right! Maybe there's still time to AW FUCK!

(croaks)

INT. AIRPLANE - PRESENT DAY

VIN, whose immortal regenerative powers do not cover BALDNESS, sits next to a young witch girl.

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WITCHGIRL

Are you going to kill me?

VIN DIESEL

No, it seems I’ve spent the last 800 years jailing witches instead of exterminating them. It also seems immortality has pussified me so I’ll let you off with a warning and a dapper smile.

(steals her magic Chekov’s Gun stones)

INT. SECRET WITCH POLICE SOCIETY “AXE AND CROSS”

MICHAEL CAINE (V.O.)

Holy shit this picture is all over the place, that’s where I come in to explain. Witches exist, but we humans live peacefully with them while somehow not getting our asses magicked to death by evil witches. Vin maintains humanity’s truce with the witches because his immortality makes him invulnerable to witchcraft.

VIN DIESEL

No it doesn’t.

MICHAEL CAINE

Really? Then what’s stopping a bunch of evil witches from burying you in a block of cement and throwing you in the ocean?

VIN DIESEL

My winning personality, of course!

MICHAEL CAINE

Well, as your trusted friend and witch hunting partner, I am retiring from our secret organization “Axe and Cross”. My replacement just flew in from New Zealand.

ELIJAH WOOD

Hello Vin, I’ve wanted to work with you ever since you saved me from evil witches when I was a kid.

VIN DIESEL

I did? Where were your parents during this?

ELIJAH WOOD

Not being the witches you murdered who were helping me practice evil magic that’s for sure.

MICHAEL CAINE

You’d think that would be a pretty important detail that would have turned up during a background check before Axe and Cross hired you to be my successor and Vin’s new sidekick--

(dead)

VIN DIESEL

Hmm, that’s suspicious. I sense dark magic afoot!

VIN uses SEASONING SALT to reveal MICHAEL’s room has been tagged with WITCH GRAFFITI.

VIN DIESEL

Clearly an evil witch tortured Michael before killing him.

ELIJAH WOOD

Thank you for overlooking the fact I was the last person to see Michael alive and am the prime suspect in his murder.

VIN DIESEL

No sweat. I mean no way would Frodo be evil. Now get lost while I go talk to a blind warlock and completely ignore his shitty CGI butterflies.

ELIJAH WOOD

Yes, I had better be going. I have lots of non-evil related things to do.

EXT. NEW YORK

An ADORABLE KID notices a trail of GUMMIE BEARS on the ground that leads to a GUMMIE BEAR TREE.

ADORABLE KID

Ooh, piece of candy! Ooh, piece of candy! Ooh, piece of candy!

VIN DIESEL

It’s an illusion, kid. Plus they were on the ground way past the 5 second rule, on New York streets. Gross, dude.

ADORABLE KID

Why the fuck is this scene even in the movie?

VIN captures evil warlock JOSEPH GILGUN.

VIN DIESEL

I did? Well that was easy.

JOSEPH GILGUN

Hey you’re right. It’s almost as if getting caught is somehow part of my master’s evil plan.

VIN DIESEL

Ah, so you’re working with someone. We’ll settle this in witch court.

INT. AXE AND CROSS WITCH COUNCIL

THE PEOPLE'S COURT theme music plays as JOSEPH is brought before a group of ANNE RICE FASHION ENTHUSIASTS.

WITCH COUNCIL

Guilty! Burn him!

JOSEPH GILGUN

Wait, where’s my lawyer? Aren’t I entitled to a fair trial where I can defend myself against these trumped up charges?

WITCH COUNCIL

No! Guilty! Lock him up and eat the key!

JOSEPH is hauled off to WITCH JAIL by an anthropomorphic WICKER BASKET causing scores of COMPUTER ANIMATORS to slit their wrists for rendering the CGI abortion they have wrought.

VIN DIESEL

Well there goes my only clue to figuring out what’s really going on HEY MICHAEL’S STILL ALIVE!

ELIJAH WOOD

Huh? How the hell did you manage to figure that out at just the right time?

VIN DIESEL

My baldsense was tingling. Michael’s been cursed so we only have a day or so before he’s for-real dead. We have to kill the main bad guy Joseph was working for.

ELIJAH WOOD

Luckily Michael had time to leave us a cryptic message in this book while he was being brutally magic-waterboarded. He wants you to “remember your death”.

VIN DIESEL

None of this makes any sense.

ELIJAH WOOD

It’s magic, it was never going to.

INT. ROSE LESLIE’S WITCH BAR

VIN shows up and everyone shits their brooms.

ROSE LESLIE

You chased away all my yuppie customers!

VIN DIESEL

Are you sure it wasn’t those dumb CGI Smurf farts coming out of the drinks that did it? Why was that even there?

ROSE casts a spell to help VIN “remember his death” but it’s interrupted by evil Pokémon ÓLAFUR DARRI ÓLAFSSON.

ÓLAFUR DARRI ÓLAFSSON

I can’t have Vin remembering things that could foil my evil witch plot so I’ll set this bar on fire with pixie dust, then use shitty CGI to teleport through the floor via a portal of Cthulhu vines.

(pause)

Oh, there's no joke here, this is word for word what really happens.

VIN DIESEL

None of this makes any goddamn sense.

(swallows sheet of 4000 grit sandpaper)

(washes it down with 200 proof whiskey)

INT. VIN’S BACHELOR PAD

ROSE LESLIE

Well Vin, you brought me back here so I guess we’re going to fuck.

VIN DIESEL

What? Eww, gross. We’re throwing so much CGI spaghetti at the wall there’s literally no room for a romantic subplot unless they’re going to badly composite my sausage lips onto yours somehow.

ROSE LESLIE

That’s a relief. Besides you’re way way too old for me. Your character, too. By the way I can’t make you another dream potion because reverse-magic spell gobbledygook.

VIN DIESEL

Not to worry, I’ll just go get help from evil witch Dawn Olivieri who hates my guts.

ROSE LESLIE

Ólafur killed my friend so I’ll tag along.

VIN DIESEL

And you’re hot so I’ll let you.

INT. AMERICA’S NEXT TOP WITCH MODEL

All fashion models are revealed to be ugly lifeless monsters underneath. And some are also WITCHES.

DAWN OLIVIERI

Hello Vin, instead of helping you I’ll trap you in a magic dream because I’m working with Ólafur and I’m a witch, and therefore evil, like every single witch you’ve encountered thus far.

ROSE LESLIE

But I’m a witch and I’m not evil! Look, I just used my magical Inception ability to kick Vin out of that deadly dream!

VIN DIESEL

Inception magic is something only soulless witches can do!

ROSE LESLIE

Wait is that some kind of crack about my gingerness? I’m not a bad guy, okay?

VIN DIESEL

Clearly. You’re way too bangable to be evil. This is something I know.

ROSE LESLIE

You comprehend zilch, Vin Diesel.

INT. VIN’S POTATO HEAD

ROSE uses her FREDDY KRUEGER POWERS to go into VIN’s memory.

VIN DIESEL

Oh shit! After I killed witch queen Julie her heart was still beating and the Axe and Cross guys kept it and my immortality is plot-conveniently tied to it!

ROSE LESLIE

Ólafur must be planning to use the heart to resurrect Julie so she can kill all humans!

ELIJAH WOOD

Yes, it’s true. That’s why they tortured Michael, because he knew where Julie’s heart was. Axe and Cross trolled you for 800 years by not telling you this because their fuckery is epic.

VIN DIESEL

Hey Elijah, why are you wearing that turtleneck? Only evil assholes wear turtlenecks.

ELIJAH WOOD

Don’t be fashion prejudiced. Now let’s go kill some humans-- I mean witches!

EXT. NEW YORK

ÓLAFUR uses the WITCH HEART to bring JULIE back to life.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

But the key is you, Vin. I needed to suck the immortality magic out of you to be fully reborn. Now you’re mortal again!

VIN DIESEL

I still don’t get how the fuck you died in the first place if you have immortality magic inside of you.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

You’re right. This makes absolutely no goddamn fuckcosm of sense.

(uses Akira tentacle portal to escape)

VIN DIESEL

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME INSTEAD OF KILLING ME DEAD?!

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

SORRY CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE POINTLESS SHITTY CGI BYEEEEEEE!!!

INT. VIN’S BACHELOR PAD

MICHAEL CAINE

(revived)

Phew! I’m still alive! So what’d I miss?

VIN DIESEL

Julie is about to use all the witches I put in witch jail to kill everyone in New York with cartoon mosquitoes.

MICHAEL CAINE

Oh. Well. Good luck with that.

(goes back to napping)

VIN DIESEL

I’m starting to think you only agreed to take this role because you literally got paid to sleep through the entire movie.

MICHAEL CAINE

Nolan money doesn’t last forever you know.

INT. WITCH JAIL

VIN, ROSE and ELIJAH arrive to find the place covered in BEE HIVES.

VIN DIESEL

They contain Julie’s plague flies. She’s linked the minds of all the witches in witch jail and using their witch powers to grow the witch flies and witch the witch out of the witch witch and

(gibberish)

ELIJAH WOOD

Is ANYBODY able to follow what's going on here without having to Wiki it first? Can't we just drop Julie into some lava? I like dropping things into lava.

ROSE LESLIE

While Elijah is being useless I’ll use my Inception powers to stop Julie from releasing the plague flies.

VIN DIESEL

And while you’re busy doing that I’ll fight that ridiculous CGI wicker basket from before.

CGI WICKER BASKET

Your MOTHER'S ridiculous!

VIN stabs it in the neck with a bargain bin copy of RIDDICK and it dies. Then VIN fights JULIE.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Look Vin, I’m wasting time showing you how the future will look like I Am Legend after I’ve won instead of just killing you dead for the umpteenth time.

VIN DIESEL

If only you had cast a magic spell that would have made you less stupid. Now I get to kill you twice!

ELIJAH WOOD

Not so fast! I’m holding Rose hostage because I’ve been evil all along! I idolized my witch parents that you killed but I was born without the magic witch gene! How did you not see my betrayal coming? The turtleneck should have been a dead giveaway for sure!

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

See Vin? Guess I’m not the only one who needed to drink an anti-dumb potion!

ELIJAH shoots VIN and JULIE releases the ZIKA VIRUS on NEW YORK.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Thanks Elijah, without your crucial help Ólafur would never have gotten my heart and brought me back to life, and you also just saved me from Vin, proving yourself to be a valuable and loyal subject.

(pause)

Buuuut you’re still a human and not a witch so

ELIJAH WOOD

(dead as fuck)

VIN DIESEL

Time to use those magic weather stones I stole from Negasonic Teenage Witchgirl!

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

All I heard was crushed rock sounds.

The STONES create a small THUNDERSTORM.

JULIE ENGELBRECHT

Yeah? So? I’m a fucking witch queen with Swamp Thing skin and a Xenomorph ponytail. And I just killed Elijah in 5 seconds flat with my evil house fly powers. Why would I allow myself to get distracted by a little rain and

(stabbed)

(electrocuted)

(turned into ashes)

(ashes grounded into dust)

(dust put into a particle accelerator and shot into the sun)

VIN DIESEL

And hey, I got my immortality back!

ROSE LESLIE

Because when a witch dies all her magic spells reactivate if it helps the main character!

VIN DIESEL

But Julie’s heart still survived. I could destroy it and finally be with my family in the afterlife.

ROSE LESLIE

But then you won’t get to be around for the sequel!

VIN DIESEL

Pfft, yeah right. This movie could have been dropped on ISIS it bombed so hard. No way is it getting a sequel.

2 WITCH HUNTERS 2 FURIOUS has just been GREENLIT.

VIN DIESEL

Wow, I guess witchcraft really does exist.

END

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