"I need Storm and Wolverine down here RIGHT NOW! ...what do you mean, wrong movie?!"


"I need Storm and Wolverine down here RIGHT NOW! ...what do you mean, wrong movie?!"

THE LAST STAND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DITCHTURD, ARIZONA

Small-town Arizona sheriff ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER wow this is already ridiculous.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ah, it's nice to be making movies again. I can love movies all I want and they don't get pregnant.

TOWNSPERSON

What do you mean you'll be back? You ARE back. Anyway while I'm on vacation please look after my plot device, I mean, car.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Huh? I didn't say anything about being back. I'm not relying on catchphrases this time, I'm going to create a whole new character and...

TOWNSPERSON

No, I'll see YOU at the party! Where I will also see Richter.

(leaves)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

This could prove troublesome.

INT. DINER

ARNOLD takes a seat and spots PETER STORMARE trying to be inconspicuous and nonchalant through his trademark technique of being ANYTHING BUT THAT.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(squinting)

Hm, my impeccable crime-vision, along with having seen any movie ever, tells me that Peter Stormare's character is evil.

STEVEN SEAGAL

(waddling in)

Hey, no fair! Being an 80s-action-icon-turned-lawman with supernatural crime-detection vision is MY shtick!

(eats entire walrus)

ARNOLD goes around town doing SHERIFF STUFF, introducing the audience to deputies LUIS GUZMAN, JAMIE ALEXANDER, and ZACH GILFORD. Also JOHNNY KNOXVILLE is there dressed like a RIMJOB.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Actually, my costume is a shout-out to Song Kang-ho in "The Good, The Bad, The Weird", an earlier film by our director Kim Jee-Woon, and...

LUIS GUZMAN

Come on, you think anyone cares about that? As far as the audience is concerned Arnie has exactly two directors: James Cameron and Not James Cameron. Now go staple your kidneys together or something.

EXT. THE BIG CITY

BIG CITY FBI AGENT FOREST WHITAKER is arranging a PRISONER TRANSPORT while steadfastly REFUSING to have ANY DOUBLE LETTERS in his name despite the existence of FINDING FORRESTER and ROGER WHITTAKER and FORREST GUMP and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL BUDDY and let's continue.

FOREST WHITAKER

(addressing fellow agents)

Make sure we have everything on the ground covered. Keep careful watch ONLY on the same horizontal plane as us! For as we all know, movie bad guys NEVER attack from below or above.

Just then a HELICOPTER with a DANGLING MAGNETIC PLATE steals the PRISONER TRUCK! MASKED FIGURES use their ZIPLINES and SEXY FORM-FITTING BODYSUITS to defeat the GUARDS, after which they dramatically open the REAR DOORS to reveal none other than... brace yourselves... EDUARDO NORIEGA!!!

AUDIENCE

(stares)

That's right... EDUARDO NORIEGA!!

AUDIENCE

(blinks)

Ah, I said... EDUARDO...

AUDIENCE

(coughs)

Fine. Anyway he kidnaps FBI LADY AGENT GENESIS RODRIGUEZ and drives off in a CORVETTE which is apparently the most exotic outlandish car anyone could think of.

EXT. A FARM

HARRY DEAN STANTON is doing FARM STUFF when PETER STORMARE approaches him.

HARRY DEAN STANTON

(sighs)

Of course, since we ALREADY have a hero and main villain with horribly thick accents, why NOT throw in Peter fucking Stormare while we're at it.

PETER STORMARE

Excuse me, but blah blah and I'm too lazy to even pretend I'm not threatening your life.

HARRY DEAN STANTON

Don't think you can dispatch me too easily! I was in The Avengers AND Seven Psychopaths you know. Ol' Stanton's making a comeback!

PETER STORMARE

Really. And how many scenes did you get in those movies?

HARRY DEAN STANTON

Well, only about one in each, but what does that have to do with... oh.

(is shot)

INT. BIG SLICK BIG CITY FEDERAL BIG BUREAU OF BIGVESTIGATION HEADQUARTERS

FOREST WHITAKER

Dammit, we must find a way to stop Eduardo from crossing the border, and all we know is exactly how he'll do it and what all his possible routes are. This'll be tough.

FBI GUY

We could always lay down those tire-puncturing things, that takes 5 seconds.

FOREST WHITAKER

Oh that's brilliant. And then what would we do for the remaining 80 minutes of movie?! THINK, man!!

FBI GUY

We could say his car has magical solid tires that defeat road tacks...

FOREST WHITAKER

Look, stop triple-guessing our writers already! Just come up with easily defeatable plans that can tide us over to the third act. Meanwhile I'll call up Arnold and tell him exactly nothing useful.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Some COPS are setting up a ROADBLOCK.

NON-AUSTRIAN AND THEREFORE USELESS SHERIFF

Here comes Eduardo now! Hey, did we remember to bring the heavy police cars, or did everyone bring their full-scale styrofoam replica, like I did?

DEPUTY

Don't worry guys, I blocked the road with my scale model of the Taj Mahal made of popsicle sticks, then reinforced it with a TWO-DECK house of cards and then sprayed whipped cream all over it, there's no way he's getting through AW FUCKITY SHIT

INT. FBI HQ

FOREST WHITAKER

I think it's time to make a serious effort to stop Eduardo. I'm sending in the helicopter.

FBI GUY

(actual line)

That Corvette's faster than any chopper.

FOREST WHITAKER

Oh thanks, that's a GREAT thing to say right before the big Corvette/chopper chase, fuckwad.

EDUARDO tries to help out by NOT driving faster than the chopper, but then simply TURNS OFF his HEADLIGHTS.

CHOPPER PILOT

Crap, I lost sight of him! Oh if only we had infrared and night-vision equipment for, let's say, the last twenty years!! But since we clearly don't, and since there's not a huge paved straight line to indicate which direction he may have gone in, I may as well literally fuck myself, right now!

(fucks self)

(crashes)

INT. HARRY'S FARM

ARNOLD and the DEPUTIES arrive looking for HARRY DEAN STANTON, but find only HARRY DEAD STANTON.

LUIS GUZMAN

Looks like he shot himself.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(detecting)

No... he was murdered!

JAMIE ALEXANDER

He didn't have to split, he's right here. Dead. What's WITH you?

ZACH GILFORD follows some TRACKS and finds PETER STORMARE and his GANG nonchalantly building a SIDE-SPAR CABLE-STAYED SUSPENSION BRIDGE over a CANYON.

PETER STORMARE

Make sure you leave space for the customs gate over by the duty-free, guys!

ZACH GILFORD

Glurp!

(to self)

Must remember my Arnold training...

(aloud)

Okay, FREEZE! Everyone chill out and give me the cold shoulder and have an "ice" day and...

A SHOOTOUT happens! ARNIE and the others RESCUE ZACH but not until AFTER he is MORTALLY WOUNDED.

ZACH GILFORD

(weakly)

I hear... the lamentation... of the women...

(dies)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(grieving)

AGHAHGAGHAAAGHAAGHAAGHAGH

JAMIE ALEXANDER

Arnie sure is broken up about this.

LUIS GUZMAN

He's also gotta be angry at Forest Whitaker for not warning us what we're up against. Which I'm sure he'll remember later on, when he fails to warn the townspeople what they're up against.

ARNOLD calls up FOREST.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Forest! The bad guys are here, in my town! Come quick!

FOREST WHITAKER

I'm sorry, what does a light bulb have to do with anything, and why should it follow you?!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You're not listening to me, I am LITERALLY telling you the exact location of the people you're after...

FOREST WHITAKER

I can't get to the chopper! We lost our only chopper in a tragic self-fucking incident.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING DAMMIT?!

FOREST WHITAKER

Oh yeah? Well maybe I WILL let off some steam! And tell whoever this "Bennett" is that he has too many goddamn double letters!!

(hangs up)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

AAAAHGGHAGHAGHAGAHGAHGAAGHAAAGHGHAAGH

EXT. HIGHWAY

EDUARDO crashes up two SWAT vehicles using the CORVETTE as a RAMP because having JOHNNY KNOXVILLE wasn't quite enough DUKES OF HAZZARD content for this movie.

GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

Nice. I presume that slick bit of stunt driving is only a prelude to some even more impressive stunt driving in the big finale?

EDUARDO NORIEGA

Oh absolutely, as long as you find driving in a straight line through a field impressive. After which, I'll use the bridge my minions are building to escape!

GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

Huh. Are they also building an offramp and a new stretch of highway for you? Or are you seriously going to drive off-road in this sports car that has about half a nanometre of ground clearance?

EDUARDO NORIEGA

(defensively)

Well maybe one of the gajillion modifications and upgrades to this car is an optional raised suspension!

GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

(pause)

Is it?

EDUARDO NORIEGA

No.

EXT. BACK AT THE CANYON

PETER confers with SONNY LANDHAM, who is BILLY from PREDATOR and therefore FUCKING AWESOME.

SONNY LANDHAM

We sure are drawing a lot of attention to ourselves with this fuckdiculous bridge that can be seen from space.

PETER STORMARE

C'mon, how else are we supposed to get a car across this canyon, unless we could somehow summon a helicopter dangling a giant magnet OH WAIT WE HAVE ONE OF THOSE, HERP DERPY DERP, ah, too late now. Fuck.

INT. BIG CITY SLICK FBI JET

FOREST WHITAKER and FBI GUY, having apparently decided that spending EIGHTY PERCENT of the movie in ONE ROOM was pushing it, are on the JET.

FOREST WHITAKER

I have a crazy hunch that the random gibberish Arnold spouted at me might be a clue. What's the deal with his character anyway?

FBI GUY

Let's see...

(reading from file)

Former leader of Navy Seal Team Six Billion, an elite group of soldiers exactly one billion times better than Seal Team Six. Graduated from Ultra Tactical Special Forces Academy as part of a top secret, hand-picked squad that included Jason Bourne, Ethan Hunt, and every character ever played by Stallone, Norris, Van Damme, and Statham. Received advanced training in eating carbon rock for breakfast and shitting diamonds for lunch. But as a result of extreme man-trauma, he decided to retire to some low-level backwater job and now only he stands between etcetera etcetera.

(closes file)

So, y'know, the usual.

FOREST WHITAKER

Right.

(pause)

Did we remember to explain the Austrian part?

FBI GUY

Er... and he's from Austria.

FOREST WHITAKER

(slow clap)

EXT. MAIN STREET

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

We must prepare to stop all the bad guys with guns and accents in the only way possible, by being good guys with bigger guns and thicker accents. I hope everyone in town remembered to buy hot-lead insurance. And take cover. Maybe I should have said something.

RODRIGO SANTORO

(arriving)

Let me help! I have a huge backstory and a redemption arc and an embittered love interest and everything!!

LUIS GUZMAN

Seriously? That seems terribly overwritten for someone who's just gonna be one extra body at the big action scene.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Dude, I was on "Lost". I'm used to it.

PETER STORMARE arrives with his GANG and the BIG SHOOTOUT HAPPENS!

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

WOO-HOO!

(electrocutes own face)

LUIS GUZMAN

(is exploded all to shit)

I'm okay!

SONNY LANDHAM

(is killed without exchanging any lines with Arnold, so nice job fapping away that potential Predator reunion, movie)

JAMIE ALEXANDER

I love you Rodrigo!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(shooting things)

AAGAHGAHAHAAHGHAGHAGHGHGHGAGHAAAGH

PETER STORMARE

(dying)

GLGUURRGHZHAGLUGLGUUHUHGHLLUGZHZ

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

(bazookas own nuts)

Finally EDUARDO shows up and drives through town! ARNOLD hops in the PLOTDEVICEMOBILE and chases him! They drive through a CORNFIELD which by all rights should ASSFUCK BOTH CARS in TWO SECONDS, but instead it DOESN'T, until much later when it finally DOES.

EXT. CANYON

EDUARDO gets to the BRIDGE, thinking himself HOME FREE, only to find his path hopelessly blocked by an UNARMED SIXTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD MAN!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'm afraid your villainous escapades end here. Now put these cuffs on.

EDUARDO NORIEGA

Consider WHAT a divorce? We're not even married. You're not making sense!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(sighs)

Never mind, let's just fight.

EDUARDO NORIEGA

Who or what is Sub-Zero? OOF!

ARNOLD attacks EDUARDO with his unstoppable supreme fighting style of HUGGING HIM and then FALLING DOWN. ARNIE WINS!

EXT. BACK IN TOWN

GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

Oh hey everybody, I was actually evil the whole time, not that it matters.

FOREST WHITAKER

Except now I get to arrest you, meaning my character goes from accomplishing utterly jack shit, to accomplishing one minor thing.

(gives thumbs-up to camera)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(grinning)

And so launches the bold new era of my film career!

LUIS GUZMAN

You sure? I think maybe it IS a tumor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

No, I said...

LUIS GUZMAN

I heard you.

END

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