THE LAST STAND
The Abridged Script
EXT. DITCHTURD, ARIZONA
Small-town Arizona sheriff ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER wow this is already ridiculous.
Ah, it's nice to be making movies again. I can love movies all I want and they don't get pregnant.
What do you mean you'll be back? You ARE back. Anyway while I'm on vacation please look after my plot device, I mean, car.
Huh? I didn't say anything about being back. I'm not relying on catchphrases this time, I'm going to create a whole new character and...
No, I'll see YOU at the party! Where I will also see Richter.
This could prove troublesome.
ARNOLD takes a seat and spots PETER STORMARE trying to be inconspicuous and nonchalant through his trademark technique of being ANYTHING BUT THAT.
Hm, my impeccable crime-vision, along with having seen any movie ever, tells me that Peter Stormare's character is evil.
Hey, no fair! Being an 80s-action-icon-turned-lawman with supernatural crime-detection vision is MY shtick!
(eats entire walrus)
ARNOLD goes around town doing SHERIFF STUFF, introducing the audience to deputies LUIS GUZMAN, JAMIE ALEXANDER, and ZACH GILFORD. Also JOHNNY KNOXVILLE is there dressed like a RIMJOB.
Actually, my costume is a shout-out to Song Kang-ho in "The Good, The Bad, The Weird", an earlier film by our director Kim Jee-Woon, and...
Come on, you think anyone cares about that? As far as the audience is concerned Arnie has exactly two directors: James Cameron and Not James Cameron. Now go staple your kidneys together or something.
EXT. THE BIG CITY
BIG CITY FBI AGENT FOREST WHITAKER is arranging a PRISONER TRANSPORT while steadfastly REFUSING to have ANY DOUBLE LETTERS in his name despite the existence of FINDING FORRESTER and ROGER WHITTAKER and FORREST GUMP and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL BUDDY and let's continue.
(addressing fellow agents)
Make sure we have everything on the ground covered. Keep careful watch ONLY on the same horizontal plane as us! For as we all know, movie bad guys NEVER attack from below or above.
Just then a HELICOPTER with a DANGLING MAGNETIC PLATE steals the PRISONER TRUCK! MASKED FIGURES use their ZIPLINES and SEXY FORM-FITTING BODYSUITS to defeat the GUARDS, after which they dramatically open the REAR DOORS to reveal none other than... brace yourselves... EDUARDO NORIEGA!!!
That's right... EDUARDO NORIEGA!!
Ah, I said... EDUARDO...
Fine. Anyway he kidnaps FBI LADY AGENT GENESIS RODRIGUEZ and drives off in a CORVETTE which is apparently the most exotic outlandish car anyone could think of.
EXT. A FARM
HARRY DEAN STANTON is doing FARM STUFF when PETER STORMARE approaches him.
HARRY DEAN STANTON
Of course, since we ALREADY have a hero and main villain with horribly thick accents, why NOT throw in Peter fucking Stormare while we're at it.
Excuse me, but blah blah and I'm too lazy to even pretend I'm not threatening your life.
HARRY DEAN STANTON
Don't think you can dispatch me too easily! I was in The Avengers AND Seven Psychopaths you know. Ol' Stanton's making a comeback!
Really. And how many scenes did you get in those movies?
HARRY DEAN STANTON
Well, only about one in each, but what does that have to do with... oh.
INT. BIG SLICK BIG CITY FEDERAL BIG BUREAU OF BIGVESTIGATION HEADQUARTERS
Dammit, we must find a way to stop Eduardo from crossing the border, and all we know is exactly how he'll do it and what all his possible routes are. This'll be tough.
We could always lay down those tire-puncturing things, that takes 5 seconds.
Oh that's brilliant. And then what would we do for the remaining 80 minutes of movie?! THINK, man!!
We could say his car has magical solid tires that defeat road tacks...
Look, stop triple-guessing our writers already! Just come up with easily defeatable plans that can tide us over to the third act. Meanwhile I'll call up Arnold and tell him exactly nothing useful.
Some COPS are setting up a ROADBLOCK.
NON-AUSTRIAN AND THEREFORE USELESS SHERIFF
Here comes Eduardo now! Hey, did we remember to bring the heavy police cars, or did everyone bring their full-scale styrofoam replica, like I did?
Don't worry guys, I blocked the road with my scale model of the Taj Mahal made of popsicle sticks, then reinforced it with a TWO-DECK house of cards and then sprayed whipped cream all over it, there's no way he's getting through AW FUCKITY SHIT
INT. FBI HQ
I think it's time to make a serious effort to stop Eduardo. I'm sending in the helicopter.
That Corvette's faster than any chopper.
Oh thanks, that's a GREAT thing to say right before the big Corvette/chopper chase, fuckwad.
EDUARDO tries to help out by NOT driving faster than the chopper, but then simply TURNS OFF his HEADLIGHTS.
Crap, I lost sight of him! Oh if only we had infrared and night-vision equipment for, let's say, the last twenty years!! But since we clearly don't, and since there's not a huge paved straight line to indicate which direction he may have gone in, I may as well literally fuck myself, right now!
INT. HARRY'S FARM
ARNOLD and the DEPUTIES arrive looking for HARRY DEAN STANTON, but find only HARRY DEAD STANTON.
Looks like he shot himself.
No... he was murdered!
He didn't have to split, he's right here. Dead. What's WITH you?
ZACH GILFORD follows some TRACKS and finds PETER STORMARE and his GANG nonchalantly building a SIDE-SPAR CABLE-STAYED SUSPENSION BRIDGE over a CANYON.
Make sure you leave space for the customs gate over by the duty-free, guys!
Must remember my Arnold training...
Okay, FREEZE! Everyone chill out and give me the cold shoulder and have an "ice" day and...
A SHOOTOUT happens! ARNIE and the others RESCUE ZACH but not until AFTER he is MORTALLY WOUNDED.
I hear... the lamentation... of the women...
Arnie sure is broken up about this.
He's also gotta be angry at Forest Whitaker for not warning us what we're up against. Which I'm sure he'll remember later on, when he fails to warn the townspeople what they're up against.
ARNOLD calls up FOREST.
Forest! The bad guys are here, in my town! Come quick!
I'm sorry, what does a light bulb have to do with anything, and why should it follow you?!
You're not listening to me, I am LITERALLY telling you the exact location of the people you're after...
I can't get to the chopper! We lost our only chopper in a tragic self-fucking incident.
WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING DAMMIT?!
Oh yeah? Well maybe I WILL let off some steam! And tell whoever this "Bennett" is that he has too many goddamn double letters!!
EDUARDO crashes up two SWAT vehicles using the CORVETTE as a RAMP because having JOHNNY KNOXVILLE wasn't quite enough DUKES OF HAZZARD content for this movie.
Nice. I presume that slick bit of stunt driving is only a prelude to some even more impressive stunt driving in the big finale?
Oh absolutely, as long as you find driving in a straight line through a field impressive. After which, I'll use the bridge my minions are building to escape!
Huh. Are they also building an offramp and a new stretch of highway for you? Or are you seriously going to drive off-road in this sports car that has about half a nanometre of ground clearance?
Well maybe one of the gajillion modifications and upgrades to this car is an optional raised suspension!
EXT. BACK AT THE CANYON
PETER confers with SONNY LANDHAM, who is BILLY from PREDATOR and therefore FUCKING AWESOME.
We sure are drawing a lot of attention to ourselves with this fuckdiculous bridge that can be seen from space.
C'mon, how else are we supposed to get a car across this canyon, unless we could somehow summon a helicopter dangling a giant magnet OH WAIT WE HAVE ONE OF THOSE, HERP DERPY DERP, ah, too late now. Fuck.
INT. BIG CITY SLICK FBI JET
FOREST WHITAKER and FBI GUY, having apparently decided that spending EIGHTY PERCENT of the movie in ONE ROOM was pushing it, are on the JET.
I have a crazy hunch that the random gibberish Arnold spouted at me might be a clue. What's the deal with his character anyway?
(reading from file)
Former leader of Navy Seal Team Six Billion, an elite group of soldiers exactly one billion times better than Seal Team Six. Graduated from Ultra Tactical Special Forces Academy as part of a top secret, hand-picked squad that included Jason Bourne, Ethan Hunt, and every character ever played by Stallone, Norris, Van Damme, and Statham. Received advanced training in eating carbon rock for breakfast and shitting diamonds for lunch. But as a result of extreme man-trauma, he decided to retire to some low-level backwater job and now only he stands between etcetera etcetera.
So, y'know, the usual.
Did we remember to explain the Austrian part?
Er... and he's from Austria.
EXT. MAIN STREET
We must prepare to stop all the bad guys with guns and accents in the only way possible, by being good guys with bigger guns and thicker accents. I hope everyone in town remembered to buy hot-lead insurance. And take cover. Maybe I should have said something.
Let me help! I have a huge backstory and a redemption arc and an embittered love interest and everything!!
Seriously? That seems terribly overwritten for someone who's just gonna be one extra body at the big action scene.
Dude, I was on "Lost". I'm used to it.
PETER STORMARE arrives with his GANG and the BIG SHOOTOUT HAPPENS!
(electrocutes own face)
(is exploded all to shit)
(is killed without exchanging any lines with Arnold, so nice job fapping away that potential Predator reunion, movie)
I love you Rodrigo!
(bazookas own nuts)
Finally EDUARDO shows up and drives through town! ARNOLD hops in the PLOTDEVICEMOBILE and chases him! They drive through a CORNFIELD which by all rights should ASSFUCK BOTH CARS in TWO SECONDS, but instead it DOESN'T, until much later when it finally DOES.
EDUARDO gets to the BRIDGE, thinking himself HOME FREE, only to find his path hopelessly blocked by an UNARMED SIXTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD MAN!
I'm afraid your villainous escapades end here. Now put these cuffs on.
Consider WHAT a divorce? We're not even married. You're not making sense!
Never mind, let's just fight.
Who or what is Sub-Zero? OOF!
ARNOLD attacks EDUARDO with his unstoppable supreme fighting style of HUGGING HIM and then FALLING DOWN. ARNIE WINS!
EXT. BACK IN TOWN
Oh hey everybody, I was actually evil the whole time, not that it matters.
Except now I get to arrest you, meaning my character goes from accomplishing utterly jack shit, to accomplishing one minor thing.
(gives thumbs-up to camera)
And so launches the bold new era of my film career!
You sure? I think maybe it IS a tumor.
No, I said...
I heard you.