"I'm a helicopter!"


"I'm a helicopter!"

THE LAST AIRBENDER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DRAB ARCTIC WASTELAND

JACKSON RATHBONE fails at fishing while NICOLA PELTZ fails at exposition.

JACKSON RATHBONE

Man, it's good to be out of those Twilight movies. A couple of decent films and people might start taking me seriously again. By the way, who's directing this?

NICOLA PELTZ

M. Night Shyamalan.

JACKSON RATHBONE

Oh goddammit!

The pair accidentally free NOAH RINGER, who was frozen beneath the ICE.

NOAH RINGER

Hi, I'm the Avatar, twelve-year old embodiment of the four elements. Who are you?

NICOLA PELTZ

I'm an orphaned but idealistic youngster from a backwater place who dreams of leaving home to find adventure, develop my mystical abilities and help defeat the local evil empire.

JACKSON RATHBONE

I'm her brother. I stand behind people's shoulders.

NOAH RINGER

Well that's fascinating, but I've got to go and learn my responsibilities as protector of the world.

NICOLA PELTZ

Take us with you! We're tired of being the only Caucasians in our tribe of Eskimos.

NOAH RINGER

A fisherman who can't fish and a waterbender who can't waterbend? Sure, you'll be a great help.

The TRIO fly off on NOAH RINGER'S MAGICAL BISON/MAMMOTH/BEAVER/SLOTH/SNUFFALUFFAGUS.

EXT. DRAB FOREST

NOAH, NICOLA, and JACKSON are taking in the boring sights.

NICOLA PELTZ

Oh by the way, you've been frozen in the iceberg for over a century. Everyone you knew and loved is dead.

NOAH RINGER

NOOOOOO!

(beat)

Continue.

NICOLA PELTZ

The evil Fire Nation wiped them out. To defeat them we must go the Northern Water Tribe and learn to how to manipulate water or "waterbend" using martial arts.

NOAH RINGER

So, are nations here named after their respective martial arts styles? Because that makes as much sense as South Korea being called Tae Kwan Do Land.

The trio are captured by FIRE NATION SOLDIERS and brought into a NEARBY VILLAGE.

NICOLA PELTZ

This is an Earth Kingdom village. It's called the Earth Kingdom because...

NOAH RINGER

They can move earth with martial arts?

NICOLA PELTZ

How did you guess?

FIRE NATION SOLIDER

Both of you shut up! Now get in this rock quarry with the other political prisoners.

NOAH RINGER

You keep people who can move rocks with their mind in a rock quarry? What's stopping them from crushing you into a pulp?

EARTH KINGDOM VILLAGERS

Huh. We never thought of that. Thank you white protagonists!

(overthrow oppressors)

NOAH RINGER

Wow. It took less than two minutes for us to convince them to rebel. These are the most easily led people on the planet.

JACKSON RATHBONE

Since we're going to be passing through a lot of these villages on the way to the Northern Water Tribe, I think we should convince them to rise up as well.

NOAH RINGER

You mean we're going to do "Braveheart" but with magical martial arts? That's awesome! I can't wait to...

INT. DRAB FIRE NATION FORTRESS

NOAH RINGER is being held prisoner by AASIF MANDVI.

NOAH RINGER

...what the hell?

AASIF MANDVI

Who wants to see you go on a bunch of fun adventures when you can hear me describe them in a lengthy monologue? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to give more exposition to my troops.

A MASKED STRANGER frees NOAH'S restraints and escapes with him. FIRE NATION TROOPS try to follow them but NOAH moves some CLOUDS in their way.

FIRE NATION ARMY

Light fog! Our one weakness!

An ARCHER manages to shoot off THE STRANGER'S MASK from nearly 300 MILES AWAY revealing...

DEV PATEL

It is I, the exiled son of the Fire Lord! It turns out I'm an expert fighter whenever my identifying features are obscured.

NOAH RINGER

Why did you rescue me? Isn't the Fire Nation supposed to be evil?

DEV PATEL

Noah, you can't just divide people in terms of black and white.

NOAH RINGER

Why not? The casting director did.

DEV PATEL

Fine. I rescued you because I wanted to present you to the Fire Lord myself. Then he'll love me again!

NOAH RINGER

Won't he just be mad at you when he realizes you stole me from one of his own dungeons?

DEV PATEL

I was wearing a mask!

NOAH RINGER

Yeah, and nearly a hundred people saw me being broken out. It's going to look a little suspicious when you turn up with me the next day.

(escapes)

DEV PATEL

Dammit! Well, since I have nothing better to do, I guess I'll ask some street urchin to tell me MY OWN GODDAM BACKSTORY.

EXT. DRAB NORTHERN WATER TRIBE CITY

NOAH, NICOLA, and JACKSON arrive and meet WATER TRIBE ELDER FRANCIS GUINAN.

JACKSON RATHBONE

I've done nothing for the entire film. Can I have a job guarding the princess?

FRANCIS GUINAN

A teenage fisherman? Sure why not. Be sure to share only one romantic scene together before being tragically forced to part.

JACKSON RATHBONE

Don't worry about that sir. I've been reading "Anakin Skywalker's Guide to Romantic Chemistry".

Suddenly a FLEET OF FIRE NATION WARSHIPS attack!

FRANCIS GUINAN

Oh no! The Fire Nation is drawing strength from their small fires! And we have no way of putting out these small fires! Especially not with our waterbending abilities! Or the dozens of fountains and other water features we keep around the city specifically to fight the Fire Nation! We're doomed!

OTHER WATER TRIBE ELDER

Maybe we should cover ourselves in gasoline! That way we'll be able to slip out of their soldier's grasp!

JACKSON RATHBONE

Princess, we have to get you to safety!

PRINCESS SEYCHELLE GABRIEL

We can't! I have to die so that a fish can live so that we can bring back the moon in order to lift our waterbending abilities to full strength!

JACKSON RATHBONE

...

PRINCESS SEYCHELLE GABRIEL

I swear that made sense in the cartoon.

(dies)

Meanwhile, DEV PATEL sneaks into the city to fight NOAH RINGER.

NICOLA PELTZ

Oh no you don't! I've been training in waterbending throughout the entire movie, and I'm going to show how much I've grown by-

(knocked unconscious)

DEV PATEL

So, it all boils down to this. A fistfight between a twelve-year-old and the star of "Slumdog Millionaire". Let's just get this over with.

DEV PATEL throws fireballs while NOAH RINGER displays his "HIDING BEHIND BARRELS" MARTIAL ARTS STYLE. Eventually DEV is encased in ICE.

NOAH RINGER

Despite your threat to kill me, I'll let you escape from the authorities because friendship magic unicorns. Besides, I need to face-off against the mastermind behind the attack, Aasif Mandvi.

FRANCIS GUINAN

Actually, he was just killed by three nameless characters. There's still the rest of the invasion force though.

NOAH raises a GIANT TIDAL WAVE to ward off the FIRE NATION NAVY.

FIRE NATION NAVY

In retrospect, maybe attacking a race of people with godlike powers over water in an environment containing millions of tons of water was not the best idea we've ever had.

(flees)

FRANCIS GUINAN

Thank you Noah! Now we must prepare for the Fire Nation's next big assault.

NOAH RINGER

Really? After I just vanquished their entire army in twenty seconds? They must have something really impressive in mind...

EXT. DRAB FIRE NATION PALACE

FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS is talking to his window-sill.

FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS

Curses! Noah has defeated my entire army! But he's no match for my secret weapon...

SUMMER BISHIL steps forward.

FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS

A smiling young woman we've done nothing to establish as a badass. Okay, I know this looks bad, but she'll be terrifying in the sequel.

SUMMER BISHIL

Sequel. Right.

END

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