THE LAST AIRBENDER
The Abridged Script
EXT. DRAB ARCTIC WASTELAND
JACKSON RATHBONE fails at fishing while NICOLA PELTZ fails at exposition.
Man, it's good to be out of those Twilight movies. A couple of decent films and people might start taking me seriously again. By the way, who's directing this?
M. Night Shyamalan.
The pair accidentally free NOAH RINGER, who was frozen beneath the ICE.
Hi, I'm the Avatar, twelve-year old embodiment of the four elements. Who are you?
I'm an orphaned but idealistic youngster from a backwater place who dreams of leaving home to find adventure, develop my mystical abilities and help defeat the local evil empire.
I'm her brother. I stand behind people's shoulders.
Well that's fascinating, but I've got to go and learn my responsibilities as protector of the world.
Take us with you! We're tired of being the only Caucasians in our tribe of Eskimos.
A fisherman who can't fish and a waterbender who can't waterbend? Sure, you'll be a great help.
The TRIO fly off on NOAH RINGER'S MAGICAL BISON/MAMMOTH/BEAVER/SLOTH/SNUFFALUFFAGUS.
EXT. DRAB FOREST
NOAH, NICOLA, and JACKSON are taking in the boring sights.
Oh by the way, you've been frozen in the iceberg for over a century. Everyone you knew and loved is dead.
The evil Fire Nation wiped them out. To defeat them we must go the Northern Water Tribe and learn to how to manipulate water or "waterbend" using martial arts.
So, are nations here named after their respective martial arts styles? Because that makes as much sense as South Korea being called Tae Kwan Do Land.
The trio are captured by FIRE NATION SOLDIERS and brought into a NEARBY VILLAGE.
This is an Earth Kingdom village. It's called the Earth Kingdom because...
They can move earth with martial arts?
How did you guess?
FIRE NATION SOLIDER
Both of you shut up! Now get in this rock quarry with the other political prisoners.
You keep people who can move rocks with their mind in a rock quarry? What's stopping them from crushing you into a pulp?
EARTH KINGDOM VILLAGERS
Huh. We never thought of that. Thank you white protagonists!
Wow. It took less than two minutes for us to convince them to rebel. These are the most easily led people on the planet.
Since we're going to be passing through a lot of these villages on the way to the Northern Water Tribe, I think we should convince them to rise up as well.
You mean we're going to do "Braveheart" but with magical martial arts? That's awesome! I can't wait to...
INT. DRAB FIRE NATION FORTRESS
NOAH RINGER is being held prisoner by AASIF MANDVI.
...what the hell?
Who wants to see you go on a bunch of fun adventures when you can hear me describe them in a lengthy monologue? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to give more exposition to my troops.
A MASKED STRANGER frees NOAH'S restraints and escapes with him. FIRE NATION TROOPS try to follow them but NOAH moves some CLOUDS in their way.
FIRE NATION ARMY
Light fog! Our one weakness!
An ARCHER manages to shoot off THE STRANGER'S MASK from nearly 300 MILES AWAY revealing...
It is I, the exiled son of the Fire Lord! It turns out I'm an expert fighter whenever my identifying features are obscured.
Why did you rescue me? Isn't the Fire Nation supposed to be evil?
Noah, you can't just divide people in terms of black and white.
Why not? The casting director did.
Fine. I rescued you because I wanted to present you to the Fire Lord myself. Then he'll love me again!
Won't he just be mad at you when he realizes you stole me from one of his own dungeons?
I was wearing a mask!
Yeah, and nearly a hundred people saw me being broken out. It's going to look a little suspicious when you turn up with me the next day.
Dammit! Well, since I have nothing better to do, I guess I'll ask some street urchin to tell me MY OWN GODDAM BACKSTORY.
EXT. DRAB NORTHERN WATER TRIBE CITY
NOAH, NICOLA, and JACKSON arrive and meet WATER TRIBE ELDER FRANCIS GUINAN.
I've done nothing for the entire film. Can I have a job guarding the princess?
A teenage fisherman? Sure why not. Be sure to share only one romantic scene together before being tragically forced to part.
Don't worry about that sir. I've been reading "Anakin Skywalker's Guide to Romantic Chemistry".
Suddenly a FLEET OF FIRE NATION WARSHIPS attack!
Oh no! The Fire Nation is drawing strength from their small fires! And we have no way of putting out these small fires! Especially not with our waterbending abilities! Or the dozens of fountains and other water features we keep around the city specifically to fight the Fire Nation! We're doomed!
OTHER WATER TRIBE ELDER
Maybe we should cover ourselves in gasoline! That way we'll be able to slip out of their soldier's grasp!
Princess, we have to get you to safety!
PRINCESS SEYCHELLE GABRIEL
We can't! I have to die so that a fish can live so that we can bring back the moon in order to lift our waterbending abilities to full strength!
PRINCESS SEYCHELLE GABRIEL
I swear that made sense in the cartoon.
Meanwhile, DEV PATEL sneaks into the city to fight NOAH RINGER.
Oh no you don't! I've been training in waterbending throughout the entire movie, and I'm going to show how much I've grown by-
So, it all boils down to this. A fistfight between a twelve-year-old and the star of "Slumdog Millionaire". Let's just get this over with.
DEV PATEL throws fireballs while NOAH RINGER displays his "HIDING BEHIND BARRELS" MARTIAL ARTS STYLE. Eventually DEV is encased in ICE.
Despite your threat to kill me, I'll let you escape from the authorities because friendship magic unicorns. Besides, I need to face-off against the mastermind behind the attack, Aasif Mandvi.
Actually, he was just killed by three nameless characters. There's still the rest of the invasion force though.
NOAH raises a GIANT TIDAL WAVE to ward off the FIRE NATION NAVY.
FIRE NATION NAVY
In retrospect, maybe attacking a race of people with godlike powers over water in an environment containing millions of tons of water was not the best idea we've ever had.
Thank you Noah! Now we must prepare for the Fire Nation's next big assault.
Really? After I just vanquished their entire army in twenty seconds? They must have something really impressive in mind...
EXT. DRAB FIRE NATION PALACE
FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS is talking to his window-sill.
FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS
Curses! Noah has defeated my entire army! But he's no match for my secret weapon...
SUMMER BISHIL steps forward.
FIRE LORD CLIFF CURTIS
A smiling young woman we've done nothing to establish as a badass. Okay, I know this looks bad, but she'll be terrifying in the sequel.