Anne and Robert realize that, with three Oscars between them, they somehow wound up making this movie.


Anne and Robert realize that, with three Oscars between them, they somehow wound up making this movie.

THE INTERN

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. BIG FANCY OFFICE

ANNE HATHAWAY owns a company that sells clothes online.

ANDREW RANNELLS

Say boss, what do you think of the idea of an internship program for senior citizens?

ANNE HATHAWAY

I think that phasing out starter jobs in favor of exploiting recent graduates for free labor is already morally suspect; if now we start giving those positions to bored retirees instead and make it even more challenging for young people to gain a foothold on their chosen career paths, we’ll basically be Frank Capra villains.

ANDREW RANNELLS

Well too late, here’s your new geriatric helper monkey!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hello. I’m here to dispense sage advice and nuggets of wisdom, whilst never changing or having even the tiniest of character arcs, because I’m already a perfect example of how the men of my generation were well-mannered, sophisticated gentlemen.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Men of your generation? You mean like Travis Bickle, Rupert Pupkin and Max Cady? Are we sure you’re the guy we want to exemplify the inherent superiority of your time?

DIRECTOR NANCY MEYERS

Shut up! Men were just better in my day! They wore suits and owned handkerchiefs and combed their hair! Men today are so infantile. Did you know there are GROWN MEN who actually play VIDEO GAMES? Kids these days! Get off my lawn!

ANNE HATHAWAY

So what, are you actually hankering for the stylish, take-charge males we see in, say, Mad Men? Robert, remind us what you carry a handkerchief FOR.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I carry it around to offer it to crying women. Women they do cry a lot. This is the actual explanation.

DIRECTOR NANCY MEYERS

I’m sorry, I can’t hear either of you when I have my head crammed this deep in the Nostalgia Box.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Ugh, whatever, let’s get on with this thing.

ANNE and ROBERT spend a bunch of time together and become real close. (In a SURROGATE FATHER-DAUGHTER WAY, don’t be GROSS.)

ANNE HATHAWAY

But dangit, the plot revolves around my investors pressuring me to bring in a CEO to run my company for me. I might have to do it, in the desperate hope that if I spend more time with my family, then my cheating asshole of a husband might spend less time with his dick in Mrs. Homewrecker.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Don’t do it, Anne! I knew that only you could run your company right, the day I saw you personally showing some warehouse guys the right way to pack shipments!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Um, isn’t that kind of obsessive micro-managing the exact reason I SHOULD get somebody else to deal with the bigger picture? I mean, we’ve already shown that my compulsively hands-on approach and inability to delegate has caused huge time management problems for me and my staff. If I just go on like this, won’t my hectic schedule and overworked employees and strained personal life just get worse and worse as the company continues to expand?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Shh, it’ll be fine, we just have to stubbornly act like you Believing In Yourself is the only issue at stake here. Once you do that, all the other stuff can be lazily assumed to have worked itself out somehow!

ANNE learns to BELIEVE IN HERSELF and I guess her company lives happily ever after! That is until some middle-management positions open up and they try to promote internally, then remember that instead of giving training and experience to ambitious young go-getters, they gave play jobs to a bunch of old farts on the cusp of senility OOOOPS

END.

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