No, no, no! That is not how you do the YMCA! From the top, people!


No, no, no! That is not how you do the YMCA! From the top, people!

THE INCREDIBLES

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON, CGI HOLLY HUNTER, and CGI SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON are participating in some sort of DOCUMENTARY.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

So this is kind of cool, huh?

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

This is totally a very interesting way to open a kid's film.

CGI SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Totally fresh and new.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

And not at all contrived.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Not at all.

CGI SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Not even slightly.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Even though we never use this framing device again.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Or mention it.

CGI SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Or reference it in any way.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Or divulge any, you know, plot details in this little cold open here.

CGI SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Most people don't even remember this was in the movie.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Very few people.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

But it's still a cool way to open a kid's film.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Very realistic.

CGI SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Kinda like Watchmen.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRAD BIRD

NO! NO! THIS IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WHAT IS WATCHMEN I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF IT!

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

It's widely considered the greatest graphic novel of all time due to its deft deconstruction of the superhero archetype, largely through the use of inserted snippets of interviews with super-

A huffy BRAD BIRD ends the DOCUMENTARY framing device and NEVER TOUCHES IT AGAIN.

EXT. STUPID CITY

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON is trying to drive six blocks in a forward direction. He CANNOT DO THIS because LITERALLY EVERYONE in this city is an IDIOT who cannot handle the SIMPLEST OF TASKS.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

(rescuing a cat while stopping robbers)

Ugh, superhero's burden. Am I right?

YOUNG CGI JASON LEE

Sure are, oh hero of mine!

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Da fuq? Who are you?

YOUNG CGI JASON LEE

I'm your biggest fan! The lives you save and the people you help make me want to be the best I can be! I want to be super juuuust like you!

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Get fucked with a rusty pitchfork, turd-nugget. There's no way a sniveling hanger-on could be useful to an Aryan Supermensch like me.

YOUNG CGI JASON LEE

Well it just so happens I'm a technical genius who's been crafting jetpacks in his spare time. You don't want a Robin. Fine. I could easily be your Oracle, or even your Alfred.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

I'm sorry kid. You just don't have what it takes to be super.

YOUNG CGI JASON LEE

What the fuck kind of superhero are you? Whatever happened to "there's goodness in all of us" or "your talents are needed elsewhere"?

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Fuck that noise. Now leave the superheroics to the divinely ordained.

CRAIG drops JASON like a BASS BEAT at BURNING MAN and proceeds to save ALL THE PEOPLE. Later, ALL THE PEOPLE sue CRAIG for not SAVING THEM RIGHT.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

What the actual fuck? I thought I was some beloved icon of goodness!

SUICIDE JUMPER

Yeah, but you broke my collarbone when you stopped me from becoming street pizza.

TRAIN FULL OF PEOPLE

And some of us got injured when you saved our train from a terrorist bombing.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

And I'M getting sued for this shit!? Mr. Suicide up there is clearly mentally ill, how the hell did his suit make it to court? And as for you train fuckheads, I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't you sue the SUPERVILLAIN who BLEW UP YOUR TRAIN!?!

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRAD BIRD

Because the average citizen is a conniving bastard who will turn on the heroes that save them whenever it is convenient.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Slow the fuck down, Ayn Rand. I'm pretty sure the only villain in this movie so far is my lawyer.

INT. HOME - PRESENT DAY

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON is now FAT, having gone into hiding. He's been married to CGI HOLLY HUNTER, and they have three kids, CGI SPENCER FOX, CGI SARAH VOWELL, and Maggie Simpson a BABY.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

And we're not going to waste ten seconds explaining where our powers came from, are we?

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Nope. It really does appear like superheroism is a genetic trait belonging only to a select few lucky individuals.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Lucky my ass! I have to work for a living now! In a cubicle! Signing papers! And filing things!

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Wow, it must suck having a stable job in this economy. It's not like you have a family to support or anything. What oppression.

CRAIG goes to work for his boss, CGI WALLACE SHAWN.

CGI WALLACE SHAWN

Craig, you're doing your job too well! Be more mediocre.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

I'm not a cog in a machine, Wallace. I have a talent that's yearning to burst free!

CGI WALLACE SHAWN

Yes, I know, cubicles are dehumanizing hellscapes, I've seen Office Space. Now shut the fuck up and do the job your government buddies got you.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

But look! There's a woman being mugged literally right outside your window!

CGI WALLACE SHAWN

Fuck her.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Can't I at least call the police or something? This is legitimately kind of psychotic of you.

CGI WALLACE SHAWN

Fuck. Her.

CRAIG retorts to this missive in the form of LAUNCHING his FIVE FOOT TALL HOMUNCULUS of a BOSS through SIX LAYERS OF DRYWALL. He is met by his GOVERNMENT CONTACT CGI BUD LUCKEY.

CGI BUD LUCKEY

Dammit, Craig, we can't keep doing this.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

"Keep doing this"?!?! How many bosses have I put in traction in the past?! Wallace will be lucky if he can walk again! Jesus, I really am a threat to public safety, aren't I?

CGI BUD LUCKEY

Yeah, it'd probably make more sense for my shadowy government organization to just kill you, rather than letting you spawn several more superchildren who can barely control their own powers, and then giving you millions in taxpayer money to keep moving you around when one of you fucks up. Hell, it'd even work better with this movie's vague Objectivist vibe, having mean Mr. Government turn evil at some point and try to eliminate you.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

(sighing)

Maybe in the sequel.

CRAIG then receives a mysterious message from CGI ELIZABETH PENA.

CGI ELIZABETH PENA

Mr. Nelson, I represent a mysterious genius who wants you to flee society so he can make use of your talents in his special isolated enclave. Please come to John Galt Island immediately.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Awesome! It's not like I'm a world-renowned ex-crimefighter whose made dozens of enemies over the years, any of whom would love to lure me into a trap! I'll be there in a jiffy!

EXT. JOHN GALT ISLAND

CRAIG meets with ELIZABETH.

CGI ELIZABETH PENA

So, we've made a massive killer robot with such a high degree of intelligence it can barely be controlled, then turned it loose on an island.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Perfectly unsuspicious.

CGI ELIZABETH PENA

We'd like you to go deactivate it without destroying it.

CRAIG runs through the jungle, finds the robot, fights it AWESOMELY, and then DESTROYS IT.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Uhh, I win, I guess!

But then he is CAPTURED by CGI JASON LEE.

CGI JASON LEE

Remember me, Craig? That eleven-year old boy who really wanted to confront murderers with you? Well now I'm an evil genius! Gaze in terror at my Half Life 2-style Gravity Gun powers!!

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Wow, that's all it took to turn you evil? Me telling you to wait til you're old enough to drink before you start putting yourself in regular contact with bombers, thugs and murderers? Jesus, the average Joe really is a psychotic fuck in this universe.

CGI JASON LEE

Yup. I've become rich selling inventions to governments all over the world!

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

That's horrible!

CGI JASON LEE

Almost as horrible as that giant robot you were totally complicit in helping to recapture earlier on?

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

That's different! I didn't realize huge, laser-blasting, armored, thinking, walking fortresses could be used for evil!

CGI JASON LEE

Well now you know. Also, I've slaughtered every other superhero in the world except you, your family, and Samuel L. Jackson. All the ones that didn't get comically murdered in that infamous "No Capes" montage, that is.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Jesus Christ, Pixar! Is this a frikkin Holocaust movie??

MEANWHILE:

INT. DESIGN STUDIO

A suspicious HOLLY goes to visit COSTUME DESIGNER CGI BRAD BIRD to see where her HUSBAND disappeared to.

CGI BRAD BIRD

Never would have guessed a three foot tall Edith Head caricature could be the best part of a kid's movie, huh?

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Nope, you're Napolean meets Zoolander. It's hilarious. The satire of the fashion industry is very biting.

CGI BRAD BIRD

Satire? How is this satire? I actually AM the best at my job in the universe, my ego is perfectly justified.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Okay. Well, how the heck are you going to affect the plot?

CGI BRAD BIRD

By giving you those fancy red costumes and telling you your husband is a two-timing, cheating fuckhead who's been island-hopping with a gorgeous coat rack woman.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Aw hell naw!

HOLLY and the KIDS fly to the ISLAND, BLOW UP, and GET CAPTURED.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Thanks for the rescue, babe.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Oh, fuck off.

CGI JASON LEE

Well isn't this awesome. Now that I've got the whole family together I can finally reveal my master plan! I'm going to sic my killbot on a city, then fly in and save the day! Then everyone will think I'm special!

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

What the shit? You ARE special. You built working rocket boots before you hit puberty. Go cure cancer, build robot prosthetics so the paralyzed can walk again, or here's a thought, go stop an ACTUAL DISASTER.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Seriously, just pull a Tony Stark. Go kill terrorists in the Middle East. Save people from tsunamis. Stop forest fires. End world hunger. There's a billion ACTUAL disasters you could be preventing, you don't have to make a fake one.

CGI JASON LEE

Nah, I'd much rather go up against a robot the world's most powerful man could barely defeat, which I programmed to think and adapt to new strategies as it fights. And then, when I'm loved and adored by all the people I saved from myself, I will start giving away my magical inventions.

(actual line)

And when everyone is super...no one will be.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

I'm sorry, that's utopia. What you just described, a future where everyone has access to amazing technology that solves all of our problems and allows us to fulfill our wildest daydreams, is called utopia.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Now now, honey. If the average person is special, that means you and I will no longer be special! Our egos are far more important than societal progress!!

EXT. CITY

The massive robot ATTACKS! But JASON swoops in to start defeating it!

CGI JASON LEE

Greetings, civilians! I'm Syndrome, your new hero! Yes, that's right, my superhero name is a supervillain name. Doesn't "Syndrome" just sound so heroic and trustworthy?

Unfortunately, he lasts about TEN SECONDS against his own ROBOT, which then proceeds to destroy the city. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON notices and turns to his WIFE to deliver his ICONIC LINE.

CGI SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance- wait, shit. Hang on.

(tries to remember)

Hold onto your butts! Wait, no.

(rubs forehead)

I'd like to talk to you about the Avengers initia- Shit!

(pacing back and forth)

I've had it with these motherfucking snakes... No, that's not right.

(tapping on table)

AK-47, the very best there is- DAMMIT.

(banging head against wall)

It's my duty to please that booty- FUCK!!

(pause)

(smiles, remembers)

Neo, you are the One THAT'S NOT EVEN MY LINE!!!

(checks script)

HONEY WHERE'S MY MOTHERFUCKING SUPER SUIT!! God dammit, I gotta say fewer iconic lines. The English language will soon be entirely Sam Jackson quotes if I keep appearing in every movie ever.

Meanwhile, the SUPER FAMILY has escaped and is fighting the ROBOT. They DEFEAT IT by WORKING TOGETHER as a TRADITIONAL FAMILY UNIT.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

Let that be a lesson to you people. Technology is evil and only serves to make the naturally gifted less special.

CGI HOLLY HUNTER

Unlike our super suits that can armor us against rocket blasts, intense heat, and high speed winds. These things are not technology, somehow.

The FAMILY goes home to find JASON has captured their BABY! But the baby TRANSFORMS into a PIXAR ANIMATION DEMO REEL, causing JASON to get SUCKED INTO A JET ENGINE and TURNED INTO CHILI and then EXPLODED into FINE PLASMA that will probably get CURB STOMPED by NEUTRONS at the SUBATOMIC LEVEL seriously this guy DIES AS HARD AS YOU CAN DIE.

CGI CRAIG T. NELSON

And now we're finally free to be super! Except for the government that's still monitoring us, presumably. And all the lawsuits we've previously established are an inevitable consequence of superheroics. But hey, at least we're finally a family in the end.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRAD BIRD

(receiving paycheck to make a sequel)

Nothing ends, Craig. Nothing ever ends.

END

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