The Incredible Hulk: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 21st, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
The Hulk's toilet did not survive his trip to Chick-fil-A.
(Holy shit, this is the 200th Abridged Script I’ve written for this site! And the 26th I’ve written sober!)
FADE IN:
INT. RESEARCH LABORATORY
We are shown a montage of EDWARD NORTON’S transformation into a green monster while the credits roll, allowing us to skip over all of that boring character development and jump right into scenes of EDWARD NORTON looking CONCERNED and GREEN CARTOONS BREAKING SHIT.
INT. SODA BOTTLING COMPANY - BRAZIL
EDWARD NORTON bottles soda and tries not to flip the fuck out. Some RANDOM JERKS start picking on an INNOCENT HOT GIRL.
EDWARD NORTON
Leave her alone. Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.
RANDOM JERK
Why, because you’ll rewrite the entire script yourself if you get pissed off?
EDWARD NORTON
Well, yes. But moreover, I turn into a violent monster when I get angry. That’s why I got a job working in a dangerous manufacturing plant full of people.
EDWARD tries to remain calm, but accidentally cuts himself and a drop of blood falls into a soda bottle. EDWARD presses the EMERGENCY STOP button and grabs it.
EDWARD’S BOSS
Geeze Norton, chill the fuck out. What’s the big deal?
EDWARD NORTON
Wait, even if you don’t know that I have contaminated blood, shouldn’t you still be a bit disturbed by shipping out a soda with blood in it anyway?
EDWARD’S BOSS
This is Jones Soda Company, dude. We’ll just call it “Blood” and release it at Halloween.
One bottle with blood still in it gets shipped out, where it is drunk by STAN LEE in an GRATUITOUS CAMEO.
EDWARD NORTON goes online and talks to a mysterious stranger named MR. BLUE.
MR. BLUE
Hello Mr. Green. A/S/L?
EDWARD NORTON
39/M/Brazil. Figure out how to cure me yet?
MR. BLUE
No, I need you to send me some of your blood. Surely the suspiciously mysterious nature of our relationship shouldn’t be any cause for concern.
EDWARD NORTON
Alright fine. I’ll send some of my blood to you, even though it’s obvious that this is a mistake. Now what?
MR. BLUE
I put on my robe and wizard hat…
Meanwhile…
INT. PENTAGON - UNITED STATES
TIM ROTH enters WILLIAM HURT’S office.
TIM ROTH
There’s been a report of soda-induced gamma poisoning.
WILLIAM HURT
It’s summertime - it was probably just some new Mountain Dew flavor, that shit will kill you.
TIM ROTH
I checked, sir. It came from a soda company in Brazil.
WILLIAM HURT
Brazil! That must be where Edward Norton is! I’ll see to it that Edward is captured or my name isn’t General “Thunderbolt” “Sawdust” “Explosion” “Football” Hurt!
TIM ROTH
Are we just going to ignore the possible existence of a second Hulk created by drinking the soda? Yeah? We are? Alright.
TIM ROTH takes a team to BRAZIL to try and capture EDWARD NORTON.
EDWARD NORTON
Mr. Orange? What the hell are you doing in my movie? Are you trying to upstage me? I’m Edward Fucking Norton!
EDWARD becomes furious and turns into THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE HULK!
TIM ROTH
Holy shit, a broccoli monster! Aiee!
GREEN EDWARD NORTON
RAWWRR! HULK SMASH!
TIM ROTH
I’m sorry, did you just say “Hulk trash”? Because so far, I agree. It is.
GREEN EDWARD NORTON beats the MILITARY GUYS up and escapes to AMERICA.
INT. CULVER UNIVERSITY - VIRGINIA
EDWARD NORTON tries to get some records from his old computer and runs into LIV TYLER.
EDWARD NORTON
Liv! I need you to help me, when I get angry I turn into The Hulk.
LIV TYLER
Didn’t we just have a Hulk movie like five years ago? Does Hollywood get mulligans or something? Will they keep remaking this shit every five years until one of them doesn’t suck?
EDWARD NORTON
I guess we’ll know in five years.
LIV TYLER
Hopefully this movie, unlike the last one, will consist of more than just the Hulk trying to get away from the military the whole time.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh, is that what made the last one so boring? I thought we’d be safe if I just got rid of the Hulk Dogs.
The two of them hide from the GOVERNMENT and try to figure out how to cure EDWARD. They to go find MR. BLUE somewhere in NEW YORK CITY.
INT. NEW YORK CITY
They find MR. BLUE, who turns out to be TIM BLAKE NELSON.
EDWARD NORTON
Every time I get angry, I turn into an uncontrollable monster that never does anything evil and therefore isn’t really shown to be all that uncontrollable! You need to help me remain calm at all times.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
If you’re asking for a prescription for medical marijuana, I can’t help you…
EDWARD NORTON
No, you have to study my blood to figure out how to turn the green cells into red cells. Seriously, that’s what we’re going with for the science part of this movie.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
Well I’ve been studying your blood for months. I keep it stockpiled in the back so that I can turn it into a weapon for the government.
EDWARD NORTON
How unforeseen!
TIM ROTH breaks into TIM BLAKE NELSON’S lab and EDWARD runs away.
TIM ROTH
Despite having no motivation to do so, I want you to inject me with Norton’s blood.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
That’s a bad idea. You may become some kind of… ABOMINATION!
TIM ROTH
No, this whole movie is an abomination. I’ll just look stupid.
TIM ROTH gets injected and turns into a BROWN GLOB OF PIXELS.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh no! Another person has been afflicted with my power, and the only way for me to stop them is by embracing the monster within myself and fighting!
LIV TYLER
Oh yeah. This movie is totally different from Ang Lee’s version. So glad we made this.
EDWARD turns into a GREEN GLOB OF PIXELS and the two PIXEL GLOBS are rendered far apart, then close together, then far apart, and then close together.
WILLIAM HURT
Is this really supposed to pass for entertainment? CGI shit throwing other CGI shit around? It’s 2008 for christsake.
Eventually, the machine rendering BROWN TIM ROTH runs out of DISK SPACE and he is DEFEATED.
INT. BAR
EDWARD goes back into HIDING. ROBERT DOWNEY JR approaches WILLIAM HURT.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Samuel L. Jackson and I are forming a group and we’d like to talk to Edward Norton about joining.
WILLIAM HURT
God damn, are all of these movies just 2-hour trailers for some unwatchable Avengers movie to be released in a few years?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Yes.
WILLIAM HURT
I guess we should all brace ourselves for the release of a Wonder Man movie.
END
Thanks Mr. Hilton, I still don’t have to formulate my own opinion or waste my precious $10 for entertainment. This 13″ monitor will do just fine. Now I can spend it on something else fun and useful, like gas! COOL. Funny script though.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 amPost that Batman Begins script to the main page, it’s perfect. Hell just “KATIE HOLMES sucks” would have been adequete.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 amLol you should just attach that batman begins bit onto the beginning of the dark knight script, i actually liked it. Great script as always, picture captions keep getting better LOL. Can’t wait for the next script.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 amRod I that what you just wrote was one of your greatest scripts EVER! Specially the part about Katie Holmes! Kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pmGood script, Rod. I especially liked the reference to Reservoir Dogs. I thought the film was decent enough, but it left no lasting impression, and how wooden was Liv Tyler?
Re: Batman Begins, I was actually one of the few who didn’t mind Katie Holmes… still, Maggie Gyllenhaal is more than welcome in her place.
By the way Rod, I think you may well get your fair share of flame mail no matter when you do The Dark Knight - far too many have already called it the best comic book film EVER. I’ll know if they’re right when I’ve seen it on Thursday night. (For the record, I loved Batman Begins.)
Also, as a side note, I’m surprised Pixar have emerged unscathed from your site - they’ve been the critical darlings of animation for years, and deservedly so (I especially liked Finding Nemo and Wall-E). But surely it would still be possible to attempt to abridge one of their cartoons? I seem to remember you having a quick crack at The Prince Of Egypt. (Ok, that was Dreamworks, but still…)
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pmThe only remaining question is how many stars would you give Begins?
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:07 pmSi - I think that it was the best comic book movie ever, but that means I’ll like the script even more :)
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 pmIncredible Hulk was begging to be ripped because A) it sucked ass and B) they got on their high horse thinking Ang’s version sucked (aside from the Hulked Up Dogs I didn’t think the movie was THAT bad). Any movie that pompous deserves a spot here I think.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:29 amExcellent Rod, good script, but please, put the batman begins short script on the main page. it was just awesome, especially cause you reminded us that katie holmes didn’t just suck because she married an asshole, but also for her shallow acting
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:39 pmWell, well. Now I’ve seen The Dark Knight, and while I acknowledge that it’s excellent, it can be made fun of. Especially since it appeared to draw pretty heavily on the themes of The Departed and No Country For Old Men…
July 25th, 2008 at 5:40 am