The Incredible Hulk: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 21st, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
The Hulk's toilet did not survive his trip to Chick-fil-A.
(Holy shit, this is the 200th Abridged Script I’ve written for this site! And the 26th I’ve written sober!)
FADE IN:
INT. RESEARCH LABORATORY
We are shown a montage of EDWARD NORTON’S transformation into a green monster while the credits roll, allowing us to skip over all of that boring character development and jump right into scenes of EDWARD NORTON looking CONCERNED and GREEN CARTOONS BREAKING SHIT.
INT. SODA BOTTLING COMPANY - BRAZIL
EDWARD NORTON bottles soda and tries not to flip the fuck out. Some RANDOM JERKS start picking on an INNOCENT HOT GIRL.
EDWARD NORTON
Leave her alone. Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.
RANDOM JERK
Why, because you’ll rewrite the entire script yourself if you get pissed off?
EDWARD NORTON
Well, yes. But moreover, I turn into a violent monster when I get angry. That’s why I got a job working in a dangerous manufacturing plant full of people.
EDWARD tries to remain calm, but accidentally cuts himself and a drop of blood falls into a soda bottle. EDWARD presses the EMERGENCY STOP button and grabs it.
EDWARD’S BOSS
Geeze Norton, chill the fuck out. What’s the big deal?
EDWARD NORTON
Wait, even if you don’t know that I have contaminated blood, shouldn’t you still be a bit disturbed by shipping out a soda with blood in it anyway?
EDWARD’S BOSS
This is Jones Soda Company, dude. We’ll just call it “Blood” and release it at Halloween.
One bottle with blood still in it gets shipped out, where it is drunk by STAN LEE in an GRATUITOUS CAMEO.
EDWARD NORTON goes online and talks to a mysterious stranger named MR. BLUE.
MR. BLUE
Hello Mr. Green. A/S/L?
EDWARD NORTON
39/M/Brazil. Figure out how to cure me yet?
MR. BLUE
No, I need you to send me some of your blood. Surely the suspiciously mysterious nature of our relationship shouldn’t be any cause for concern.
EDWARD NORTON
Alright fine. I’ll send some of my blood to you, even though it’s obvious that this is a mistake. Now what?
MR. BLUE
I put on my robe and wizard hat…
Meanwhile…
INT. PENTAGON - UNITED STATES
TIM ROTH enters WILLIAM HURT’S office.
TIM ROTH
There’s been a report of soda-induced gamma poisoning.
WILLIAM HURT
It’s summertime - it was probably just some new Mountain Dew flavor, that shit will kill you.
TIM ROTH
I checked, sir. It came from a soda company in Brazil.
WILLIAM HURT
Brazil! That must be where Edward Norton is! I’ll see to it that Edward is captured or my name isn’t General “Thunderbolt” “Sawdust” “Explosion” “Football” Hurt!
TIM ROTH
Are we just going to ignore the possible existence of a second Hulk created by drinking the soda? Yeah? We are? Alright.
TIM ROTH takes a team to BRAZIL to try and capture EDWARD NORTON.
EDWARD NORTON
Mr. Orange? What the hell are you doing in my movie? Are you trying to upstage me? I’m Edward Fucking Norton!
EDWARD becomes furious and turns into THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE HULK!
TIM ROTH
Holy shit, a broccoli monster! Aiee!
GREEN EDWARD NORTON
RAWWRR! HULK SMASH!
TIM ROTH
I’m sorry, did you just say “Hulk trash”? Because so far, I agree. It is.
GREEN EDWARD NORTON beats the MILITARY GUYS up and escapes to AMERICA.
INT. CULVER UNIVERSITY - VIRGINIA
EDWARD NORTON tries to get some records from his old computer and runs into LIV TYLER.
EDWARD NORTON
Liv! I need you to help me, when I get angry I turn into The Hulk.
LIV TYLER
Didn’t we just have a Hulk movie like five years ago? Does Hollywood get mulligans or something? Will they keep remaking this shit every five years until one of them doesn’t suck?
EDWARD NORTON
I guess we’ll know in five years.
LIV TYLER
Hopefully this movie, unlike the last one, will consist of more than just the Hulk trying to get away from the military the whole time.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh, is that what made the last one so boring? I thought we’d be safe if I just got rid of the Hulk Dogs.
The two of them hide from the GOVERNMENT and try to figure out how to cure EDWARD. They to go find MR. BLUE somewhere in NEW YORK CITY.
INT. NEW YORK CITY
They find MR. BLUE, who turns out to be TIM BLAKE NELSON.
EDWARD NORTON
Every time I get angry, I turn into an uncontrollable monster that never does anything evil and therefore isn’t really shown to be all that uncontrollable! You need to help me remain calm at all times.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
If you’re asking for a prescription for medical marijuana, I can’t help you…
EDWARD NORTON
No, you have to study my blood to figure out how to turn the green cells into red cells. Seriously, that’s what we’re going with for the science part of this movie.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
Well I’ve been studying your blood for months. I keep it stockpiled in the back so that I can turn it into a weapon for the government.
EDWARD NORTON
How unforeseen!
TIM ROTH breaks into TIM BLAKE NELSON’S lab and EDWARD runs away.
TIM ROTH
Despite having no motivation to do so, I want you to inject me with Norton’s blood.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
That’s a bad idea. You may become some kind of… ABOMINATION!
TIM ROTH
No, this whole movie is an abomination. I’ll just look stupid.
TIM ROTH gets injected and turns into a BROWN GLOB OF PIXELS.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh no! Another person has been afflicted with my power, and the only way for me to stop them is by embracing the monster within myself and fighting!
LIV TYLER
Oh yeah. This movie is totally different from Ang Lee’s version. So glad we made this.
EDWARD turns into a GREEN GLOB OF PIXELS and the two PIXEL GLOBS are rendered far apart, then close together, then far apart, and then close together.
WILLIAM HURT
Is this really supposed to pass for entertainment? CGI shit throwing other CGI shit around? It’s 2008 for christsake.
Eventually, the machine rendering BROWN TIM ROTH runs out of DISK SPACE and he is DEFEATED.
INT. BAR
EDWARD goes back into HIDING. ROBERT DOWNEY JR approaches WILLIAM HURT.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Samuel L. Jackson and I are forming a group and we’d like to talk to Edward Norton about joining.
WILLIAM HURT
God damn, are all of these movies just 2-hour trailers for some unwatchable Avengers movie to be released in a few years?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Yes.
WILLIAM HURT
I guess we should all brace ourselves for the release of a Wonder Man movie.
END
Rod - not bad but not your best, perhaps we need you back on the sauce. Your script was saved by such things as:
“Does Hollywood get mulligans or something?” - Awesome! Funny as hell and I could not have put it better, wasted or sober.
Everything being a 2 hour trailer for another Marvel Studios hatchet-fest. They really should give up on these things, or take more than the obligatory 5 hours in writing and develping their scripts.
Once again you saved me a portion of my post-tax income in ensuring that I should not pay to see this film. The economy ain’t so great these days so every dollar I save is one that can be invested in something more beneficial at a later date. Thanks for that.
All in all, not bad but not super fly awesome. Then again, considering what the Hollywood machine gave yo to work with on this one - it is definitely NOT your fault.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:43 amOh Rod, always hating on the CGI.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:04 amRod mad at Hulk. Rod smash Hulk movie. Rarr.
Limey critic mad at Hulk, too:
http://film.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/Critic_Review/Guardian_review/0,,2285042,00.html
July 21st, 2008 at 7:07 amAlthough I really liked the movie, I read this script. Not your best, but not your worst either.
Keep up the good work.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:10 am“Eventually, the machine rendering BROWN TIM ROTH runs out of DISK SPACE and he is DEFEATED.” XD
Also, I love how you just use the actors’ real names. Your site kicks major ass.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:13 amThis might just be a joke I didn’t get, but don’t you mean “Wonder WOman?”
Funny stuff, as always though.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:15 amMeh… Bring on Wanted!
July 21st, 2008 at 7:38 amCongratulations on the 200th script. I see this script sort of comes full circle back to the one you did for Blade back in 1998 where Blade defeats the invincible bad guy by offing the special effects crew (long time fan here :-) ).
July 21st, 2008 at 7:39 amFinally someone out there that recognized this movie for the piece of shit it is. Thank you!
July 21st, 2008 at 7:44 amThis entire script is rendered great by:
“I put on my robe and wizard hat…”
July 21st, 2008 at 8:26 amFavorite line:
“and the two PIXEL GLOBS are rendered far apart, then close together, then far apart, and then close together.”
hahhahahahaaaaaaa………
:-D
July 21st, 2008 at 8:36 amThere was a character called Wonder Man in the adventures. It wasn’t a mistake.
Rod THANKS You make Mondays bearable here at work because I know I can always count on a laugh.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:28 amits good man, but you should have included more of what an incredibly hapless dolt the general is. Fucking hell his incompetence drove me mad!
July 21st, 2008 at 9:34 amNice script. Do Cloverfield next.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:43 amAnother great script. Thank you for saving me $10. I can now get about 2.3 gallons of gas instead.
By the way, Rod, how did you like The Dark Knight?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:25 amHaha, I should show this to my cousin who loves all of the Marvel 2-hour trailers and laps this shit up like anti-freeze. I still expect you to do a script for The Dark Knight, even if you rate it 5 stars and make characters mention “how good it is otherwise.” I will still be disappointed if I don’t see one at all.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:14 pmOne thing I noticed in the movie was how boring Edward and Liv’s love towards one another was. The one scene before Edward turns into the hulk for the second time, with Edward and Liv just standing by outside, it was so dull I cant remember what happened. But right after, they spotted the military sneaking up on them and it was all like “Oh! Something exciting is happening!”
July 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pmOh and congrats on your 200th script, and 26th sober.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm“MR. BLUE
I put on my robe and wizard hat…”
Hahahah, kudos for putting in jokes that probably only 10% of readers will get.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pmI’m going to have to wait for the DVD before I see this, but I just saw the Dark Knight this weekend, so the odds me actually liking this movie are pretty slim. Oh, and are the sober scripts interspersed, or is that how they all are now?
July 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pmComing Soon: The Dark Knight?
July 21st, 2008 at 1:29 pmBien script, can’t wait for the suivant one!
July 21st, 2008 at 2:18 pmTo answer the question people keep asking:
YES, I will be doing The Dark Knight
NO, it will not be particularly soon. At the very soonest, after Hancock and Wanted.
Primarily, I want to wait until the fanboi fervor dies down a bit so I don’t get flooded with idiotic flames in my inbox.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:31 pmRod:
Why do you hate CGI so? I know this movie had a lot of it, but I didn’t think it was “glob of pixels” bad. And two ten feet tall monsters fighting while randomly destroying as many vehicles as possible would be kind of hard to do otherwise.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:37 pmRod, great script. Loved, “I guess we’ll know in five years”.
You should do Cloverfield next.
/too soon?
July 21st, 2008 at 4:09 pmI say if you’re going to do Dark Knight, do Batman Begins first since it is far more deserving of your surgical scriptwit.
And uhhh I kill the bus driver?
July 21st, 2008 at 4:48 pmWhat’s with all the idiotic Cloverfield script requests? Go to the main page and scroll down McCain voters.
Decent script, Rod. I hates the CGI too. It’s not cool or clever, it’s cartoony and fake looking.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pmI think the Cloverfield requests are a joke.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:34 pmThey’re getting old, don’t you think?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:00 pm“I put on my robe and wizard hat…”
You’re my hero.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:59 pmHey Rod if are going to do The Dark Knight, are you also going to do Batman Begins?
July 21st, 2008 at 9:36 pm“I put on my robe and wizard hat…”
July 21st, 2008 at 10:21 pmhaha! nice bash.org reference!
6 echodek Says: This might just be a joke I didn’t get, but don’t you mean “Wonder WOman?” Funny stuff, as always though.
Wonder woman is part of the DC universe. Wonder man, as stupid as that name is, is actually a marvel superhero.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:46 amA_Gorilla:
I doubt it. What would I write?
FADE IN:
CHRISTIAN BALE’S PARENTS are murdered. He decides to build a SUPERHERO COSTUME, which takes him TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
He uses it to capture a guy who wears a potato sack on his head, who then gets away.
KATIE HOLMES sucks.
END
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 amblackhammer Said:
6 echodek Says: This might just be a joke I didn’t get, but don’t you mean “Wonder WOman?” Funny stuff, as always though.
Wonder woman is part of the DC universe. Wonder man, as stupid as that name is, is actually a marvel superhero.
—-
Well, The Hulk is a Marvel superhero…. so what would a Wonder Woman movie have to do with him? She’s not gonna be in the Avengers.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 amUh-oh. Shit on me. I didn’t notice that blackhammer was quoting echodek. So, hey Rod, how about a delete button? Sorry.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:28 amThanks Mr. Hilton, I still don’t have to formulate my own opinion or waste my precious $10 for entertainment. This 13″ monitor will do just fine. Now I can spend it on something else fun and useful, like gas! COOL. Funny script though.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 amPost that Batman Begins script to the main page, it’s perfect. Hell just “KATIE HOLMES sucks” would have been adequete.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 amLol you should just attach that batman begins bit onto the beginning of the dark knight script, i actually liked it. Great script as always, picture captions keep getting better LOL. Can’t wait for the next script.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 amRod I that what you just wrote was one of your greatest scripts EVER! Specially the part about Katie Holmes! Kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pmGood script, Rod. I especially liked the reference to Reservoir Dogs. I thought the film was decent enough, but it left no lasting impression, and how wooden was Liv Tyler?
Re: Batman Begins, I was actually one of the few who didn’t mind Katie Holmes… still, Maggie Gyllenhaal is more than welcome in her place.
By the way Rod, I think you may well get your fair share of flame mail no matter when you do The Dark Knight - far too many have already called it the best comic book film EVER. I’ll know if they’re right when I’ve seen it on Thursday night. (For the record, I loved Batman Begins.)
Also, as a side note, I’m surprised Pixar have emerged unscathed from your site - they’ve been the critical darlings of animation for years, and deservedly so (I especially liked Finding Nemo and Wall-E). But surely it would still be possible to attempt to abridge one of their cartoons? I seem to remember you having a quick crack at The Prince Of Egypt. (Ok, that was Dreamworks, but still…)
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pmThe only remaining question is how many stars would you give Begins?
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:07 pmSi - I think that it was the best comic book movie ever, but that means I’ll like the script even more :)
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 pmIncredible Hulk was begging to be ripped because A) it sucked ass and B) they got on their high horse thinking Ang’s version sucked (aside from the Hulked Up Dogs I didn’t think the movie was THAT bad). Any movie that pompous deserves a spot here I think.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:29 amExcellent Rod, good script, but please, put the batman begins short script on the main page. it was just awesome, especially cause you reminded us that katie holmes didn’t just suck because she married an asshole, but also for her shallow acting
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:39 pmWell, well. Now I’ve seen The Dark Knight, and while I acknowledge that it’s excellent, it can be made fun of. Especially since it appeared to draw pretty heavily on the themes of The Departed and No Country For Old Men…
July 25th, 2008 at 5:40 amwonder woman is from the justice league. I just pwned you n00b
July 25th, 2008 at 8:56 amRod you forgot to mention that BALE went to NINJA SCHOOL and KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT out of EVERYONE there when he graduates, except LIAM NEESON.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:56 amMy favorite line was about how Edward Norton is going to rewrite the script. Why is this not getting more recognition?
July 25th, 2008 at 3:13 pmWonder Man has a penis, Nate…which he gave to a robot to have sex with Magneto’s daughter.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:03 pmRod;
Just saw X-Files, and it suckeddddd!! Definitely deserving of your attention!
July 26th, 2008 at 2:26 amSo Rod did you hate Dark Knight or is it one of of those it is a good movie but people are overhyping it up so bad that it deserves to be knocked down a few peg things?
July 26th, 2008 at 7:59 amChris:
ditto. Except I don’t think it’s “all that.” The first one was better. It’s good, just not that good.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:09 amGotta fix this:
BALE went to NINJA SCHOOL and KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT out of EVERYONE there when he graduates, except LIAM NEESON, which will TOTALLY NOT COME BACK TO BITE HIM IN THE ASS.
Can The Dark Knight be mocked here? Certainly. The Deus-Ex-Totally-Unnecessary-Machina Batman uses near the end needs a send-up.
As for Katie Holmes, I didn’t find her to be that bad in Begins. But that might be because she was in it for about ten minutes, and Batman wasn’t lusting after her like some sort of crazed stalker (or Spiderman, if you’d prefer).
July 26th, 2008 at 11:14 pmMR. BLUE
I put on my robe and wizard hat…
Heeeeeheeee :D
July 27th, 2008 at 3:35 amIm not gong to lie, I like your scripts when they’re good and draw on actual flaws of the movie, however one passage was entirely incorrect:
TIM BLAKE NELSON
Well I’ve been studying your blood for months. I keep it stockpiled in the back so that I can turn it into a weapon for the government.
EDWARD NORTON
How unforeseen!
TIM ROTH breaks into TIM BLAKE NELSON’S lab and EDWARD runs away.
TIM ROTH
Despite having no motivation to do so, I want you to inject me with Norton’s blood.
Samuel Sterns/The Leader (Tim Blake Nelsons Character) wasnt going to use it as a weapon. He was going to synthesize it and use it as a cure. Banner knew that the government would just take it and turn it into a weapon. And, Emil Blonsky was shown early on as a consummate soldier, if he didnt get the job done he’d keep at it until he did. He got injected with the serum in the first place to be able to go toe to toe with Hulk. That failed but he was at that point becoming addicted to the power he had and longing for the power the Hulk had. To say he had no motivation to inject himself with further dosages of the serum is incorrect.
Like I said, I love it when you expose the flaws of a movie but at least let them be actual problems with it.
And also, Tony Stark wasnt approaching Ross to have Norton join the Avengers. The Avengers were first formed to stop the Hulk, same as the Ultimates (the Ultimate Universe’ Avengers). Stark was approaching Ross to let him know that a solution to the Hulk problem was coming and presumably to get all the info that Ross had on the project since though SHIELD in the movies is a US government branch the Gamma project was top secret.
side note: Without CG how WOULD they render the Hulk character? A man in green makeup? I think that’d be worse.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:10 ammy favorite line was ” I put on my robe and my wizard hat” nice reference dude!!!
bloodninja, right? :D
Laterz. Keep up the good work!
July 27th, 2008 at 1:27 pmI’m looking forward for the Wonder Man movie!
July 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm“side note: Without CG how WOULD they render the Hulk character? A man in green makeup? I think that’d be worse.”
obviously, you’ve never watched the hulk tv series.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:29 pmHey Mike ,what was the machina here i’m not sure Batman even WON in that movie, badass tough it may be.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:08 pmGreat sript as usual but one thing
August 11th, 2008 at 5:42 amCan we stop the CGI bashing for once? Okay sometimes movies use CGI but sometimes its god damned necessary! Its either that or Edward Norton running around painted green with fake muscles duct taped to his arms and legs.
To address a frequent point made in these comments:
My objection to the CGI in this movie is not with the CGI itself, it is with the fact that this movie (and others like it) rely on CGI as the only mechanism for entertainment.
Meaning, rather than a compelling, suspenseful fight sequence, the filmmakers simply render a boring fight sequence using “never-before-seen” CGI and hope to pass that off as entertainment. My point here is that, it’s 2008 - CGI is commonplace. CGI alone cannot wow audiences like it used to. The end of this movie wasn’t bad because it was CGI, it was bad because it was ONLY CGI.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:25 pm*cough* Transformers *cough*
August 13th, 2008 at 6:35 amWhy the hell is everybody complaining about the god damn CGI, of course it’s gonna be fucking CGI. IT’S THE FUCKING HULK how the hell else are you gonna have a nine foot green man on the screen.
September 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pmI PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT!!!!
October 20th, 2008 at 8:48 pmHow does someone like you enjoy movies? Yeah there are a lot of problems and stupid mistakes in Hollywood films, but so what? No one expects big budget films to be intelligent art movies. Not that I’m trying to defend garbage like the Transformers and Fantastic Four, but come on. You trashed The Dark Knight. While definitely not one of the better films in all of history, it was extremely fun and entertaining to watch. In fact, I’ll say it was compelling. But because of the type of person you are, you can only nitpick. You could have so much fun watching movies if you just let the little mistakes go. There are of course some movies like Eagle Eye that no matter how hard you try to let go of your intellegence and enjoy, you can’t because there’s nothing to be enjoyed. But, come on, The Dark Knight? That movie was the bomb diggity.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm