THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 2
The Abridged Script
FADE IN: AWKWARD START, WITH NO INTRO OF ANY KIND:
INT. DISTRICT 13
JENNIFER LAWRENCE sits in a BLEAK hospital room, recovering from her BLEAKY throat injury, given to her by the BLEAKIFIED JOSH HUTCHERSON.
Yep, this is it everyone. As we have shown in Part 1, all the fun and games from the first two movies are over! We're at war now, and in case you didn't know, WAR IS BLEAK!
I'll say. My memories are still distorted thanks to Donald Sutherland's weird brainwashing, so why don't we play a game of "real or not real?" For instance, Catching Fire's climactic ending got everyone's hopes up for some kind of exciting conclusion, and all we got so far was a cinematic whine-fest otherwise known as Part 1. Real or not real?
C'mon Jen, time for some action! Our first mission is to go to District 2 and listen to Gwendoline Christie pretend like she's not eager to run off our set and onto The Force Awakens set.
Liam, I'm very disturbed by what a warmonger you've become. Is this because I still haven't chosen between you and Josh? Come here, how would you like one of my half-assed, pity kisses?
Er, no thanks. In fact, I practically admit that I've given up on you because you obviously love Josh more, making it pretty obvious who you're going to choose in the end.
They go to District 2.
We need District 13's help to bomb a Capitol arsenal and oh God this is so boring can I put on my chrome Storm Trooper suit yet?
Sorry guys, I'd love to help, but if there's anything we've learned from the last movie, it's that in order to be the Mockingjay, you have to be as whiny and uncooperative as possible!
Dammit Jen, this is a Capitol ARSENAL. It's also their headquarters for all offensive military operations. I may be a warmonger, but doesn't this make a little bit of sense?
No! There are civilians in there, despite no military facility in history ever hiring civilians!
Well okay, maybe we could give the civilians a chance to escape, but then we're stuck with a bunch of refugees! What the hell are we supposed to do with them?
I don't know! Maybe we should go on social media and fight about it!
(on video chat)
Enough! Here's what we're going to do. We'll bomb the arsenal with these special bombs that only kill bad guys and that also, somehow, give the civilians enough warning and time to escape. When we meet the refugees after they exit the escape tunnel, we'll sing Tom Petty's "Refugee" and hope they surrender. Does that sound like a fair idea?
Yes, but only if I'm allowed to do something incredibly stupid! Like jump into a hostile crowd of refugees surrounded by guns in a war zone for example!
Well, we're only ten minutes into this thing, so it's not like you're going to die or anything. So go ahead.
JENNIFER DOES THIS and gets SHOT, because apparently, the Mockingjay is also RECKLESS and IRRATIONAL.
INT. DISTRICT 13
Everyone gathers for SAM CLAFLIN'S wedding.
What a truly joyous event in the midst of all this warfare. The perfect time to gather up all my hatred and decide to go rogue and kill Donald Sutherland.
She's going Rogue? I'm upset about this even though I secretly want her dead because I can't control her!
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Ha! That's my girl! Well, I wish I could see how this all plays out, but I have to go... um... disappear from the movie now. Damn, we can't even blame Suzanne Collins for this particular bleakness.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, this film tries to hide your absence by reducing us secondary characters' screen time to about 5 minutes or or less.
JENNIFER meets her new SQUAD, consisting of LIAM, SAM, MAHERSHALA ALI, MICHELLE FORBES, NATALIE DORMER, and her film crew.
To slow our advances, Donald has turned the Capitol into a minefield of Pods, filled with deadly boobytraps. See? I knew we could find a way to shoe-horn in another Hunger Games!
Indeed. Anyway, we have this device called a Holo, which locates every Pod around the city. It can also turn into a bomb, so if we ever needed to bomb our way out of a situation, we're forced to use the single most important thing in our artillery.
At this point I'd like to introduce you to our new squad members, but since they barely contribute anything and/or die in the next ten minutes, I'm not going to bother.
Well you already know me! Hey everybody! Julianne sent me to be a part of your mission! This has everything to do with me being in the propos to garner support for the rebellion, and has nothing to do with the fact that I'm still unhinged and she's secretly hoping I kill Jennifer because she's a threat to Julianne's leadership!
Wait, we're still doing these damn propos? If you want me to garner support, why don't I just write an open letter on the internet?
The #notSQUADGOALS manages to get past some FIREBALL and MACHINE GUN pods. MAHERSHALA checks if the pods have stopped by WALKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM AS THEY START UP AGAIN.
Holy shit, did Jennifer transfer her reckless and irrational powers to me?
They accidentally hit another POD, which releases a fuckton of BLACK SHIT OR SOMETHING.
Quick everyone! Run away from the tidal wave of goofiness! And run in any direction you can even though I'm not using the Holo to tell you if it's safe or not!
INT. DONALD'S OFFICE
DONALD'S assistant, SARITA CHOUDHURY approaches.
Sir, Jennifer survived! I don't know how... the last pod was fool proof! You know, the one with the black tar that retreats whenever it's most convenient to the protagonists and also dries completely so they don't leave any footprints if they were to survive!
Impossible! I saw the footage of them running away from the tar! I mean, that was proof enough, right? Seriously, why should I take advantage of the live surveillance we apparently have around here to check to see if they got away?
What should we do?
Don't worry, I've placed dozens of new pods all along the streets and rooftops! They'll never get here in one piece-oh fuck I forgot to put pods in the underground train tunnels, didn't I...
You really are quite the moron, sir.
INT. UNDERGROUND TRAIN TUNNELS
Okay, we've walked about halfway across the city in the last five minutes, I say we rest here. We need to gather our strength just in case this movie decides to turn into a horror flick.
Hey guys, I'm feeling the urge to whine about my distorted memories again. Even though the origins of my PTSD are pretty unrelatable and kind of ridiculous, it seems that we'd rather spend more time on silly plot devices like this instead of actual plot progression. Real or not real?
Then, some KNOCKOFF H.R. GIGER LIZARD MONSTERS appear out of THIN AIR and ATTACK THEM!
(doesn't get paid enough to survive)
NAMELESS SQUAD MEMBERS
(discovers they're all wearing red shirts)
SAM CLAFLIN on the other hand, kills the monsters with his TRIDENT and is a TOTAL BADASS.
Look, guys! Sam is holding off the monsters so we can escape! Lets reward him by not doing a damn thing to help him in return!
(being torn apart)
SERIOUSLY YOU ASSHOLES DON'T EVEN LOOK BACK TO SEE IF I'M OKAY AAAARGGHHH!
JENNIFER at least has the decency to use the HOLO BOMB to make SAM'S death 1/8th less gruesome.
EXT. ABOVE GROUND
They get past some GOOMBAS and PIRHANA PLANT THINGYS and then hide out in JOCELYN WILDENSTEIN'S house.
Welp, we've lost the Holo, so there's no way we can get through the city alive. Oh well, I guess we can just sit back until something swoops in and saves Jen's ass again.
You can't be serious. I know that's pretty much how she survived the last two Hunger Games, but we don't expect that to happen a third time, do we?
People of the Capitol, I'm inviting you all to seek refuge in my giant mansion! Yep, I'm that much of a rich asshole that my house can accommodate an entire city. Anyways I've shut all the pods off so you can walk safely up to the mansion. Yup, just walk right up to it. My mansion. Where I'll be.
EXT. STREETS OF THE CAPITOL.
JENNIFER and LIAM walk among the crowd of Capitol citizens disguised in nothing but HOODS.
Remind me again why we didn't use any of Tiger lady's face makeup? Especially since we're the two most wanted people in the whole city?
Hey, you don't mess with J. Law's face. It's the money maker. It's probably why I'm not even in my Mystique costume in the new X-Men trailer either.
Whatever. Let's just keep our heads down and hope that they're not checking faces-oh shit they're checking everyone's faces.
Dang, I wish we didn't use the Deus ex Machina card earlier, because they're coming closer and we could really use some help right now and-- Oh look the rebels are here!
Oh come the fuck on!
The REBELS fight the CAPITOL SOLDIERS and JENNIFER gets to the mansion gates.
Oh no! Liam's been captured, and people are passing their children forward hoping to save them!
Not bleak enough...
Oh no! A Capitol plane just tricked it's citizens by dropping "gifts" into the crowd that turned out to be bombs!
Still not bleak enough...
OH NO! My sister Willow Shields is attending to the wounded victims and in harms way! She's been my driving force throughout this whole thing and the one person's safety I care about most and OH MY GOD SHE JUST GOT BOMBED TOO!
Eh, Rue's death was sadder.
INT. CAPITOL - SOME TIME LATER.
JENNIFER visits DONALD in JAIL, which in this universe means, a lovely greenhouse garden.
So yeah, it was Julianne who dropped those bombs that killed your sister and all those people, but it was disguised to look like me. Do you really think I would kill able-bodied children?
Um, yes actually. That's kind of what this whole thing has been about. But now you want to tell me that you're the rational one and Julianne's the evil one?
I've appointed myself Panem's new President and I'm creating a new Hunger Games with Capitol children for revenge and also my eyes glow yellow now! And during Donald's execution, I will stand directly above him with my arms outstretched so that even the most dimwitted audience member can see what's going to happen next!
Hmph. Alrighty then.
JENNIFER walks about TEN MILES to DONALD'S EXECUTION only to shoot JULIANNE instead, and the crowd goes RABID and kills DONALD with their bare hands! Total anarchy!
Wow! We just showed the assassination of a new dictator and the literal tearing apart of the old one! Surely the country will be in a state of chaotic disarray for some time, and our rebellion will probably struggle to create a new government while simultaneously establishing trust within it's people. Especially after they watched the symbol of the rebellion kill their new, seemingly peaceful leader!
EXT. EPILOGUE- FIELD- YEARS LATER
Um... yeah, I'm sure all of that happened. But look at the two kids we have now. Aren't they cute?
Really? We don't even get to see how it all plays out?
No, silly. All that matters is that we ended up together!
So where's Liam?
I'm pretty sure he got back together with Miley Cyrus.
This is bullshit!
I know. Have you seen that girl's instagram? It's like the boat scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Not that! This entire franchise was about on how fucked up our dystopian society was. And now we don't even get to see the new one?
Ah whatever, at least we took over the Thanksgiving box office! I mean, it's too late in the year for anything else to overshadow us and make movie goers forget about us completely, real or not real?
(in chrome Storm trooper suit)
Not real at all suckas! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!