"Forget it, Melissa. No way am I letting you put your finger in there."


"Forget it, Melissa. No way am I letting you put your finger in there."

THE HEAT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A ROOM FULL OF DICKS

A team of penis-having FBI AGENTS are searching for illegal DRUGS and WEAPONS belonging to two CROOKS who are also in possession of PENISES.

FBI DICK

(looks around)

No weapons or drugs here. Let's go!

SANDRA BULLOCK

(entering)

I am a by-the-book yet socially awkward female FBI agent, and my highly trained vagina-powers tell me there are drugs right under this coffee table!

(finds drugs)

FBI DICK

The hell? I have an entire SWAT team and a dog at my disposal and no one thought to flip the fucking coffee table? How could we be so incompetent?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Because you have penises.

FBI DICK

Oh that's why. But what about the illegal guns we didn't find?

SANDRA BULLOCK

My vagina-powers also tell me this house has hidden compartments, one of which contains guns! Presto!

(finds guns)

FBI DICK

(scowling)

Curse my stupid and inferior penis mind! Clearly you, Sandra, are the best and smartest agent of us all!

SANDRA BULLOCK

(bashful)

Gee golly gosh thanks!

FBI DICK

But at least we're not single like you, loser.

SANDRA BULLOCK

(pouts)

Gee willikers you guys are a bunch of big ol meanies.

FBI DICK

Does this scene actually have anything to do with plot? Or is it here just to establish that every man you deal with is an asshole?

PRETTY MUCH.

FBI DICK

And seriously, how the hell did you know about that hidden compartment? Do your vagina-powers also include telepathy or x-ray vision? Please don't cut to the next scene without explaining

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - BOSTON

A HORNY GUY is soliciting sex from PROSTITUTES in BROAD DAYLIGHT because that's how HARDCORE PERVS ROLL, SON.

HORNY GUY

How much for a Cleveland Steamer? And do you take checks? I only have checks.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(appearing)

Freeze! I am a loud and violent bully who loves to monologue and improv and says every possible iteration of the word "fuck" known to man.

HORNY GUY

Or, in other words, you're Melissa McCarthy channeling Danny McBride.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Fucking fuck motherfucking fuckety fuck shit ass fuck cunt dick pussy bitch balls. Fuck.

(punching)

HORNY MAN

The hell, lady?! Cops aren't allowed to just physically attack suspects! Even if they are creepy old guys like me who's cheating on the mother of his five children!

(is kicked in the balls)

Does this scene have anything to do with the plot besides showcasing how unbelievable you are as a police officer and to further emasculate anyone in possession of a penis?

BINGO.

MELISSA confronts local BLACK CRIMINAL SPOKEN REASONS, whose real name, surprise, is actually not SPOKEN REASONS, but all the other REASONABLE SOUNDING stage names were ALREADY TAKEN. Every single one.

SPOKEN REASONS

Stop harassing me, Melissa! There's nothing illegal about me smoking a joint in front of you!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I'm guessing that must be some really good ganja if you honestly believe that, or are you really just that stupid?

SPOKEN REASONS

I have a penis, so yes.

(runs)

Despite SPOKEN being younger and in perfect physical shape, MELISSA is able to chase him down and clubs him with a WATERMELON.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I would have used a bucket of fried chicken but then that sight gag would have burst into flames from being too obvious.

INT. POLICE STATION (FULL OF DICKS)

SANDRA interrogates SPOKEN.

SANDRA BULLOCK

You are working for the Mysterious Drug Lord I'm looking for. Roll over on him or I'll make sure you do 25 years for your drug charge.

SPOKEN REASONS

Holy shit, 25 years?! If I had raped someone the maximum I'd do is 7 years!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Then maybe you should have thought about going into the rape business instead of the drug business.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

What the fucking fuck is fucking Miss Congeniality doing talking to my fucking prisoner?!

(punches SANDRA in the tit)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Excuse me, but the Lisa Lampanelli Impersonators Convention is down the hall and to the left past the water cooler.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I'm a cop you twat! And since you're well dressed, well groomed and don't say naughty words I will angrily invade your personal space!

SANDRA BULLOCK

I can't work with this psycho!

SANDRA'S BOSS

You and Melissa must work together!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh fooey.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I can't work with this uptight dick-mitten!

MELISSA'S BOSS

You and Sandra must work together!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Fuck you, cocksicle! How dare you tell me what to do! Now I shall emasculate you by criticizing the exact size, diameter and atomic weight of your testicles in front of all your subordinates!

MELISSA'S CAPTAIN

Clearly I deserve your severe tongue lashing because I have a penis.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

And I will not suffer any consequences because I don't have one!

INT. BAR

SANDRA goes to talk to MELISSA but finds her STUNT DOUBLE instead.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I'm going to help you find this drug lord guy because I'm a Ford tough dick kicker with a rocket launcher in my fridge that I will never get to use.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Fine, but why are you so abrasive? Do you have daddy issues?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

And mommy issues. And sibling issues. My entire family hates my guts because I put my junkie brother Michael Rapaport in jail. What's your excuse?

SANDRA BULLOCK

I'm such a prissy, arrogant and career driven spaz because that's what I play these days. I'm basically Lenina Huxley's great grandmother.

INT. NIGHT CLUB (FULL OF VARIOUS SEXUAL ORGANS INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, DICKS)

SANDRA and MELISSA discover that CROOK and COCK-OWNER ADAM RAY is working for the MYSTERIOUS DRUG LORD.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I have to get close to Adam so I can bug his phone.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

That means I'll have to sex you up first by cutting your clothes to shreds and verbally bullying you.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I will whine accordingly.

SANDRA and MELISSA manage to bug ADAM's phone by being AWKWARDLY CLUMSY and announcing their intentions OUT LOUD in front of everyone INCLUDING ADAM.

ADAM RAY

Having a penis makes my eyes and ears and common sense not work.

SANDRA and MELISSA are confronted by DEA DICKS TARAN KILLAM and DAN BAKKEDAHL, who is an ALBINO.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

I will continue being an annoying loudmouth by constantly making fun of your genetic disorder.

DAN BAKKEDAHL

And I will get back at you by making fun of the fact you are a woman instead of the obvious weight jokes because that would be mean.

TARAN KILLAM

And I'll just stand here silently because I'm not an important character. Honest.

INT. FBI CRIME LAB

SANDRA and MELISSA meet with FBI AGENT MARLON WAYANS, the casting of which is the movie's funniest UNINTENTIONAL JOKE.

MARLON WAYANS

I've found that--

SANDRA BULLOCK

Some bad guys are hiding in an abandoned warehouse?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Dude, we already knew that thanks to our awesome vagina-powers.

MARLON WAYANS

So what's the point of even coming to me for info if you already knew what I was going to tell you?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Say another word and I'll shoot you in the dick.

MARLON WAYANS

Aaah, I bet you paid to see A Haunted House, didn't you?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

If I had your dick would already have more than one hole in it by now. Like, a million.

MARLON WAYANS

Oh. Well I guess I'm going to be Sandra's love interest then?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ha, no. I'd never date a Wayans. Besides I'm a 21st Century career woman, I don't need a man to complete me. What I most desire is a friend.

MARLON WAYANS

But I can still be--

SANDRA BULLOCK

With boobs. A friend with boobs.

MARLON WAYANS

I guess Billy Crystal was right after all.

SANDRA and MELISSA go to the warehouse and are immediately CAPTURED for FIVE WHOLE SECONDS before they break free and arrest CRIMINAL DICK-HAVER MICHAEL MCDONALD.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Tell us where the Mysterious Drug Lord is or I'll shoot you in the dick.

MICHAEL MCDONALD

Why are you so obsessed with penisicide? Or is the movie not even bothering to hide its utter contempt for the male genitalia anymore?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(points gun at his dick)

MICHAEL MCDONALD

OKAY OKAY! But realistically this interrogation should be filmed and I should be able to sue the stretch pants off of you and this entire precinct but let's pretend that doesn't happen, shall we?

INT. BAR

SANDRA BULLOCK

Well Melissa, I guess we can either continue on with the plot or take the next six scenes off and get in some alcohol based quirky female bonding.

THIS HAPPENS.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

While we were doing that Michael got out of prison and put a bomb in your car.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Why would he put the bomb in my car? You're the one who held a gun to his wiener.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

My God! Michael could target my family! We must relocate them!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Okay, I'll call the FBI and they'll send someone to--

MELISSA MCCARTHY

No! Just you and me and that's it and nobody else!

SANDRA, MELISSA and MELISSA'S FAMILY pile into a van that MICHAEL unfortunately DID NOT rig to EXPLODE.

SANDRA BULLOCK

We've been getting along for far too long so let's fight for no reason and stop being best buds.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

And done.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Now let's make up 30 seconds later by stabbing an innocent choking man in the throat and having him bleed all over everything.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

And done. Now can we get on with the fatherfucking plot already?

MICHAEL RAPAPORT

Hey sis, my criminal connections tell me the Mysterious Drug Lord will be down at the docks!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Of course! The docks! We must be the first cop movie to ever have something shady going on there!

But it turns out to be a RUSE and the MYSTERIOUS DRUG LORD puts MICHAEL RAPAPORT into a COMA.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Well I'm done. I feel such guilt over my brother being in a coma that I will decide to mope around for a while instead of actively looking for the guy who tried to kill Michael. Good luck solving the case all by yourself, Sandra!

(fucks off)

INT. FBI BUILDING

SANDRA mopes around too and finds her FBI BOSS laughing at MELISSA along with DAN and TARAN and a bunch of other DICKS.

SANDRA BULLOCK

HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF MY BESTEST AND OLDEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD YOU FUCKING NO GOOD SHIT EATING TURD GOBBLING BITCH HEAD FUCK NUT FUCKING DOUCHE NUGGET ASSHOLE FACE FUCKING FUCK!

DAN BAKKEDAHL

Wait, so your whole character arc is going from a nice, composed, well spoken, by-the-book agent and devolving into a disrespectful potty mouth?

SANDRA BULLOCK

You shouldn't have talked shit about my home girl Melissa! She's the Riggs to my Murtaugh! You're a misogynist pig who fears female authority and Melissa is a way better cop than any of you!

DAN BAKKEDAHL

Yes, even though the cases of the guys she busts probably get thrown out due to police brutality because she's a reckless violent loner who nobody likes besides you. But please, do go on about how super great at policing she is.

SANDRA BULLOCK

(covering ears)

NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WROOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!

Meanwhile MELISSA finally gets her shit together and tries to track down the MYSTERIOUS DRUG LORD on her own but is CAPTURED for about FOUR WHOLE SECONDS before SANDRA rescues her.

SANDRA BULLOCK

We're the motherfucking Heat, bitches!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

You're saying fuck now?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yes, so I guess that means you'll start saying it less and try to be a little less obnoxious, right?

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Fuck that noise. You don't arc McCarthy, yo! McCarthy arc YOU!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh. Well let's load up on weapons and go after the bad guys all by ourselves!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Fuckin' A!

INT. A WAREHOUSE FULL OF YOU KNOW WHAT (HINT: IT'S DICKS!)

SANDRA and MELISSA get the drop on some BAD GUYS for about THREE WHOLE SECONDS before they are captured by MICHAEL MCDONALD for longer than TEN SECONDS so the bad guys are at least making some progress in their CAPTURING SKILLS.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

So you're the Mysterious Drug Lord, right?

MICHAEL MCDONALD

Um, no, that's still supposed to be a big reveal even though nobody cares at this point. But since you two threatened to shoot me in the dick I will threaten to stab you in the cooter.

SANDRA BULLOCK

My cooter's been stabbed enough times by pointy objects. Trust me. Jesse James was one kinky SOB.

MICHAEL MCDONALD

Then I'll just stab you in the leg instead.

(does so)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ouchie.

MICHAEL MCDONALD

And now I'll leave the knife in you and hope you don't use it to cut yourselves free while I go play Bioshock Infinite in the next room. Be back in 30 hours!

(leaves)

SANDRA and MELISSA are rescued by DAN and TARAN.

SANDRA BULLOCK

So we need to be rescued by men after all? Lame.

DAN BAKKEDAHL

See Melissa, now I bet you feel like a real shitbird for making fun of my albinism.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Blow me! The Mysterious Drug Lord tried to kill my brother but he survived!

TARAN KILLAM

Wait, Rapaport is still alive? Oh dear. Then I guess now would be a good time to reveal myself as the super evil Mysterious Drug Lord!

(shoots DAN in the face)

Haha! Surprised?!

SANDRA BULLOCK

(thinks)

No. Not really. No.

TARAN KILLAM

Well shit.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

You know I was kinda hoping the main baddy would be a woman, thus showing how women can make for great authority figures as well as criminal masterminds.

TARAN KILLAM

What, and ruin the whole "all men are bad, all women are good" sexist running joke? Pfft. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go kill Michael Rapaport before he wakes up and I.D.'s me. I'll just leave you two alive instead of killing you myself and assume some inept henchmen took care of you. Ta ta!

(leaves)

MELISSA pulls the knife out of SANDRA's leg and they NINJA their way to freedom.

INT. HOSPITAL

MELISSA goes after TARAN. SANDRA CRAWLS AFTER HER because apparently getting stabbed in one leg automatically makes the other un-stabbed leg COMPLETELY USELESS.

TARAN is about to kill MICHAEL RAPAPORT.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Freeze cockbrain!

TARAN KILLAM

Ha! I got the drop on you! Which means I must have known you were still alive!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Then you must assume I've told anyone with ears that you're the Mysterious Drug Lord and you should be trying to get out of the country right now instead of trying to kill my brother.

TARAN KILLAM

That makes sense, but I think I'll risk my freedom to kill Michael Rapaport. I mean who wouldn't? Now if you take one more step I'll inject him with this deadly poison that will--

SANDRA BULLOCK

(slides in)

(shoots TARAN in the dick)

(twice)

MELISSA MCCARTHY

(horrified)

Oh my God, Sandra. How could you be so cruel? Shooting a guy in the dick? That's just... that's evil, man. You disgust me.

SANDRA BULLOCK

What?! But you've been threatening to do that for the entire movie!

MELISSA MCCARTHY

It was just talk! Only a true sadist would shoot a man in his happy place! You have officially out-crazied me, and thereby have earned my respect and admiration. Hmm, I guess I kinda arced after all.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yes. Our vagina-powers are as one.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

So how exactly did you slide into the room like that? Did an off screen nurse slicken up the floor with lube first and push you? Or did it involve some type of elaborate pulley system? Seriously, I want to know how you were able to do that with two paralyzed legs. Was it vagina magic? It was vagina magic wasn't it?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh fiddlesticks.

END


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