THE HANGOVER PART II
The Abridged Script
INT. THAILAND WEDDING REHEARSAL
JUSTIN BARTHA ED HELMS is about to get married to SASHA BARRESE JAMIE CHUNG in LOS ANGELES THAILAND, with the slight caveat that HE'S LOST IN LAS VEGAS HER ASSHOLE FATHER THINKS SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR HIM, which is TRUE.
Fuck, Jamie. I'm such a nice guy and I mean so well, but I just can't get your father to like me. He compared me to mushy rice, for God's sake. He might as well have asked me what kind of tampons I use to stop the bleeding every month.
Oh, lighten up. This is a Hollywood comedy, I'm sure that there's some improbable obstacle you'll overcome to tentatively gain his respect.
Dude, it's so way lame that you're not having a bachelor party man! Fuck! Shit! The audience does remember that I'm the cool guy in these movies, right?
Cool guy? All you do is act abrasive and swear a lot. You're an overgrown asshole frat boy, if anything.
I'm not having a bachelor party because my worst nightmare is us going crazy again like in the last movie. Also because I need to go back to being a wet blanket, as my entire character development from the original film was wiped out. Settle in everybody, the entire movie was written this lazily.
Well gee Wolfpack, I'm just so gosh darn happy that we're all together again! This was well worth giving up those tickets to the topless Jonas Brothers concert oh my God, how did I get here? I'm actually a pretty cool guy in real life and now I'm stuck as "the fat dorky guy from the Hangover movies" for eternity. Why did I even agree to be in this piece of shit?
(checks bank account)
Oh. Right. Uh, what the crud, that guy's got a banana on his helmet! Ha ha, that's how they do it here in Asianic town!
How are you even here, anyway? The one weekend we grudgingly spent together you drugged me and almost got me killed multiple times. It's amazing that I haven't strangled you out of rage yet.
Sorry Ed, he's the easiest source of cheap humor out of all of us. Ninety percent of the jokes from the first movie were relating to him being fat or dumb. He needs to be a prominent part of this movie no matter how nonsensical that is.
Good point. And now that I think about it, kindly disappear from this movie almost completely since you have no personality whatsoever.
MASON LEE nerds his way into the movie GEEKILY.
Hi Ed, I'm Jamie's brother. I'm also a total math geek and Asian, which is an extremely lazy stereotype, but anyway since I don't get out much you should let me hang with you for the night.
Well, Zach and Bradley and I need to be kept together for comedy's sake, and it wouldn't make any sense for Justin to get lost again. Congratulations, you're the new boring character that we'll be spending ninety overly raunchy minutes looking for.
ED, ZACH, BRADLEY, JUSTIN, and MASON cautiously drink beer around a beach campfire, trying super-carefully to avoid getting UNKNOWINGLY DRUGGED although EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE knows they will FAIL.
INT. BANGKOK HOTEL ROOM
ED, ZACH, and BRADLEY wake up in a hotel room in
LAS VEGAS BANGKOK, and find that ED has shockingly LOST A TOOTH GOTTEN A CRAZY FACIAL TATTOO. They also find a cute, adorable BABY MONKEY, and a wild, vicious TIGER IN THE BATHROOM CRIMINAL ON THE COUCH.
Oh no, we've all woken up in a strange, trashed hotel room!
Oh no, Zach Galifianakis mistakenly drugged us and we can't remember anything!
Oh no, someone is improbably missing a body part!
Oh no, the least interesting person in our group is gone without a trace!
Well, at least Ken Jeong's here now, that's kind of new.
Come on! We need to find Mason before my wedding starts! We can take our time though; I need to think of lyrics for another annoying mid-movie song that I can waste the audience's time with.
EXT. STREETS OF BANGKOK
The group sets out to find
JUSTIN MASON before they leave for the wedding. Along the way, they stop by a HOSPITAL TATTOO PARLOR to get information that leads them to a WEDDING CHAPEL STRIP CLUB, where it is horrifyingly revealed that ED got MARRIED FUCKED IN THE ASS the previous night. They nearly find their friend multiple times, but are continuously thwarted by KEN JEONG PAUL FUCKING GIAMATTI, who immediately DENIES ever being in this movie to his FRIENDS.
God this sucks. Is this movie really just going to be an almost exact scene-for-scene remake of the original with no new developments or plot twists?
Don't worry, I'm back from the dead to save this movie from sinking completely into unoriginality!
(awkwardly obscene one-liners in heavy accent)
Well, that failed too. Let's just wrap up the plot already, I'm so bored that I've completely given up on this piece of crap. What say you, Bradley?
Amen to that. What about you, Zach?
No! I'm not giving up! Look, I'm teaching my monkey some new tricks! Ha ha, not at the table Monkey! ...oh dammit.
The group realizes that all they have to do to get their friend back is improbably
WIN EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS PLAYING BLACKJACK CAPTURE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL KEN JEONG, which results in them unfortunately receiving A DIFFERENT, WRONG PERSON WITH THE SAME NAME AS THEIR FRIEND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SINCE THEY WERE MISLED BY THE GOVERNMENT, followed by ED magically remembering that their friend is trapped ON A HOTEL ROOF IN A FUCKING ELEVATOR SHAFT.
We finally found your nine-fingered ass! And incredibly, you're not starving, in shock, or unconscious from blood loss! How do you feel?
I've been trapped in a tiny enclosed space with no food or water for an entire day. I'm missing a fucking finger, for God's sake. I probably woke up this morning and thought I was living out the most terrifying part of a Saw movie. Unbelievably, I'm not freaking the fuck out and actually seem happy to have had this happen.
Oh-em-gosh Ed, your wedding is about to start! We need to hurry back!
Huh? I'm still going to get married today? In the last twenty-four hours I've gotten drugged, raped, shot at, and chased through the streets of Bangkok by murderous criminals. There's no way that I'm possibly ready to get married now.
Dude, this movie is another one of Hollywood's conventional, clichÃ©d, stereotyped pieces of awful comedy shit. I should know, I sold my soul to do them.
Yeah, there's no other way it could possibly end than with you getting married, which in all Hollywood comedies instantly makes everything better.
Fair enough. We'll need to move fast though, if we want to predictably get there seconds before the whole thing is called off. Zach, you can drive a boat, right?
Oh sure. I can't even make myself breakfast in the morning, but driving a foreign boat miles across unfamiliar water, that'll be a breeze.
The group arrives at ED'S wedding JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, WHEW!
Ed, I already hated you before this, and now you go and worry me to death by having my son out all night and then proceed to bring him home with a finger chopped off. You also have a disorienting, distasteful tattoo covering half your face. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go Crazy 88 on your ass right now.
I get fucked up all the time and find myself in all sorts of epically dangerous situations.
So I'm a fucking badass! That means you have respect for me, right?
Implausibly, yes. And not only that, I'm also still going to let you marry my daughter after that whole crazy story, because the writers of this movie apparently stopped giving a shit two hours ago.
Dude, seriously. This movie was way worse than the original. Dammit, why can't Hollywood keep putting out insightful, unique comedies like that one that I can watch with my dumb frat buddies a thousand times?
What are you even talking about, man? The first movie was a low-brow, generic buddy-buddy comedy, the kind that most critics usually rip to pieces. It succeeded mostly because of people falling all over themselves to praise the "original" and "suspenseful" story, even though everyone who guessed the ending within the first twenty minutes was spot-on. The fact that this crummy sequel is almost an exact replica of the original movie says a lot more about how overrated the first one is.
You think this was bad, just wait until you see how the writers come up with the script for the third one.
Coming soon: THE WOLFPACK heads to
LAS VEGAS BANGKOK SHUTTER ISLAND for the bachelor party of JUSTIN ED ZACH AND THE MONKEY, where they overdose on ROOFIES ADHD MEDICATION HEROIN and eventually run into MIKE TYSON TRYING TO GET HIS TIGER BACK RANDOMLY SINGING A TERRIBLE SONG EATING LENNOX LEWIS'S CHILDREN.