THE GREEN HORNET
The Abridged Script
SETH ROGEN acts like a DOUCHE with lots of MONEY.
Woo! Check out how vain and rich I am! Kind of like that guy in that other superhero movie!
You're a complete screw-up!
Um, hello? Seth Rogen? I'm like that in all my movies!
TOM WILKINSON dies OFFSCREEN from NOT BEES.
I'm very sad now, even though we established in a flashback that my father was a complete asshole. Also, I want to rehire whoever made the coffee before he died.
Hi! I'm Jay Chou! Not only can I make coffee but I'm also an expert auto mechanic, fantastic at martial arts and a genuinely good actor!
But I'll ironically take all the credit for your competence! Because that's what America wants: a Hong Kong Phooey movie with even less charm.
AMERICA watches reruns of True Blood INSTEAD.
Anyway, I want to rehire you and then complain about/mourn my father.
Hey, whatever you want. I'm just glad I'm not an extra in The Last Airbender.
JAY CHOU shows SETH ROGEN a CAR with HUGE SPIKES attached to the rims.
Whoa, my father must have had some enemies!
That's your reaction to huge metal spikes attached Speed Racer-style to your dad's car? Not "Holy shit, my father was insane!"?
SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU cut the head off a statue of TOM WILKINSON, because nothing says 'superhero action movie' like ripping off THE SIMPSONS. Then they beat up some THUGS.
Jay! If we act like we're the bad guys then we can somehow take down all of the city's organized crime syndicates!
(shoots THUG in the head)
You're right! Then we'll just have unorganized crime, which is the far more violent and dangerous type!
INT. NEWSPAPER HQ
There is a BOARD MEETING where SETH ROGEN decides on what to name his ALTER EGO.
I've got it! The Green Bee!
How about The Green Hornet?
Well that sounds no less asinine but since that's the title of the movie we'll go with that. Oh, and can you be smart enough to come up with all our schemes but stupid enough never to catch on?
INT. CHRISTOPH WALTZ HQ
How dare Seth Rogen try and hone in on my territory! I want anyone wearing green to be killed immediately!
Why would he wear the exact same color as his alter ego? We aren't dealing with a Power Ranger here.
They do this ANYWAY and it makes SETH ROGEN really, really SAD.
Oh no! Because of me innocent people are dying!
Okay, I'm over it now.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ puts on a GAS MASK and manages to be an even lamer villain than ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
Behold! I am no longer Christoph Waltz! I am now... Blood Waltz!
Why are you wearing a gas mask?
To protect myself from Ryan Reynolds' fart gun!
That's the Green Lantern, Waltz.
Jack Black's fart gun!
That's who would've played the Green Lantern if the universe was far more cruel. Our enemy is the guy based on the guy from the TV show most people skipped to watch Adam West stuff himself into a girdle.
DAVID HARBOUR talks to SETH ROGEN in a BAR because nobody can get through this without getting HAMMERED.
It was 'I' who killed your father, Seth! I've been working for Blood Waltz the entire time! Now I'm going to kill you for using your dead father's newspaper to promote The Green Hornet and tarnish my position as D.A.!
My god! D.A. David Harbour is evil! Who could've possibly seen this coming?!
Everyone who saw The Dark Knight.
JAY CHOU helps SETH ROGEN escape and there's a long, ridiculous CAR CHASE that somehow ends at the top floor of a BUILDING.
It's time for you to die, Seth Rogen!
Not if I stab your eyes with two giant pieces of wood first!
Christ, I don't even get a death that doesn't look stupid?
Hey, at least there's no chance of you appearing in a sequel.
(gets run over)
SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU go to CAMERON DIAZ'S house to hide from the POLICE.
Don't turn us in!
Because you're hot for Jay and we're acting extremely wacky right now!
SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU fix the TOM WILKINSON statue. Again, just like on THE SIMPSONS.
We did good, Jay.
What about all those innocent people that were killed because they were wearing green?
We also need a new D.A. that isn't corrupt.
Are we really just going to end the movie here?
Shhh. If we cut to the credits fast enough nobody'll noti
SETH ROGEN MASTURBATION JOKE
Wait! You forgot something!