Aren't you supposed to just pinch whoever doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day?


Aren't you supposed to just pinch whoever doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day?
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

THE GREEN HORNET

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MANSION

SETH ROGEN acts like a DOUCHE with lots of MONEY.

SETH ROGEN

Woo! Check out how vain and rich I am! Kind of like that guy in that other superhero movie!

TOM WILKINSON

You're a complete screw-up!

SETH ROGEN

Um, hello? Seth Rogen? I'm like that in all my movies!

TOM WILKINSON dies OFFSCREEN from NOT BEES.

SETH ROGEN

I'm very sad now, even though we established in a flashback that my father was a complete asshole. Also, I want to rehire whoever made the coffee before he died.

JAY CHOU

Hi! I'm Jay Chou! Not only can I make coffee but I'm also an expert auto mechanic, fantastic at martial arts and a genuinely good actor!

SETH ROGEN

But I'll ironically take all the credit for your competence! Because that's what America wants: a Hong Kong Phooey movie with even less charm.

AMERICA watches reruns of True Blood INSTEAD.

SETH ROGEN

Anyway, I want to rehire you and then complain about/mourn my father.

JAY CHOU

Hey, whatever you want. I'm just glad I'm not an extra in The Last Airbender.

JAY CHOU shows SETH ROGEN a CAR with HUGE SPIKES attached to the rims.

SETH ROGEN

Whoa, my father must have had some enemies!

JAY CHOU

That's your reaction to huge metal spikes attached Speed Racer-style to your dad's car? Not "Holy shit, my father was insane!"?

SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU cut the head off a statue of TOM WILKINSON, because nothing says 'superhero action movie' like ripping off THE SIMPSONS. Then they beat up some THUGS.

SETH ROGEN

Jay! If we act like we're the bad guys then we can somehow take down all of the city's organized crime syndicates!

JAY CHOU

(shoots THUG in the head)

You're right! Then we'll just have unorganized crime, which is the far more violent and dangerous type!

INT. NEWSPAPER HQ

There is a BOARD MEETING where SETH ROGEN decides on what to name his ALTER EGO.

SETH ROGEN

(douchey grin)

I've got it! The Green Bee!

CAMERON DIAZ

How about The Green Hornet?

SETH ROGEN

Well that sounds no less asinine but since that's the title of the movie we'll go with that. Oh, and can you be smart enough to come up with all our schemes but stupid enough never to catch on?

She DOES

INT. CHRISTOPH WALTZ HQ

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

How dare Seth Rogen try and hone in on my territory! I want anyone wearing green to be killed immediately!

THUG

Why would he wear the exact same color as his alter ego? We aren't dealing with a Power Ranger here.

They do this ANYWAY and it makes SETH ROGEN really, really SAD.

SETH ROGEN

Oh no! Because of me innocent people are dying!

(pause)

Okay, I'm over it now.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ puts on a GAS MASK and manages to be an even lamer villain than ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Behold! I am no longer Christoph Waltz! I am now... Blood Waltz!

THUG

Why are you wearing a gas mask?

BLOOD WALTZ

To protect myself from Ryan Reynolds' fart gun!

THUG

That's the Green Lantern, Waltz.

BLOOD WALTZ

Jack Black's fart gun!

THUG

That's who would've played the Green Lantern if the universe was far more cruel. Our enemy is the guy based on the guy from the TV show most people skipped to watch Adam West stuff himself into a girdle.

DAVID HARBOUR talks to SETH ROGEN in a BAR because nobody can get through this without getting HAMMERED.

DAVID HARBOUR

It was 'I' who killed your father, Seth! I've been working for Blood Waltz the entire time! Now I'm going to kill you for using your dead father's newspaper to promote The Green Hornet and tarnish my position as D.A.!

SETH ROGEN

My god! D.A. David Harbour is evil! Who could've possibly seen this coming?!

DAVID HARBOUR

Everyone who saw The Dark Knight.

JAY CHOU helps SETH ROGEN escape and there's a long, ridiculous CAR CHASE that somehow ends at the top floor of a BUILDING.

BLOOD WALTZ

It's time for you to die, Seth Rogen!

JAY CHOU

Not if I stab your eyes with two giant pieces of wood first!

(stabs)

BLOOD WALTZ

Christ, I don't even get a death that doesn't look stupid?

(dies)

DAVID HARBOUR

Hey, at least there's no chance of you appearing in a sequel.

(gets run over)

(dies)

SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU go to CAMERON DIAZ'S house to hide from the POLICE.

SETH ROGEN

Don't turn us in!

CAMERON DIAZ

Why not?

SETH ROGEN

Because you're hot for Jay and we're acting extremely wacky right now!

EXT. MANSION

SETH ROGEN and JAY CHOU fix the TOM WILKINSON statue. Again, just like on THE SIMPSONS.

SETH ROGEN

We did good, Jay.

JAY CHOU

What about all those innocent people that were killed because they were wearing green?

CAMERON DIAZ

We also need a new D.A. that isn't corrupt.

JAY CHOU

Are we really just going to end the movie here?

SETH ROGEN

Shhh. If we cut to the credits fast enough nobody'll noti

CREDITS

END

SETH ROGEN MASTURBATION JOKE

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