Coachella just keeps getting weirder and weirder.


Coachella just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

THE FIRST PURGE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

MARISA TOMEI

It’s the early 21st century, the United States is deeply divided, everyone is so fed up with corrupt Democrats and Republicans that the country is ready to elect a radical 3rd party to break up the duopoly of politics.

(pause)

Oh and that’s also happening in this movie. The New Founding Fathers were recently swept into power on a Murder-based platform and I’m here to make it happen with my theory that legalized murder = utopia. What could possibly go wrong?

INT. MURDER INTERVIEW ROOM

DOCTOR

I’m screening people to participate in America’s very first national murder night and we are looking for high value candidates.

They bring in a CRACKHEAD who has never won a battle with a tooth brush in his life.

ROTIMI PAUL

That’s me. Hey you mind if I go Full Nicolas Cage for the entire movie? I’m really trying to establish my brand as a living breathing cartoon character.

DOCTOR

Application approved!

ROTIMI PAUL

(chewing scenery with his tar teeth)

Wonderful, wonderful. Also you should call national murder night “The Purge”.

DOCTOR

We were really set on “Killerween” but yeah, that sounds more ad friendly.

EXT. STATEN ISLAND

The New Founding Fathers have chosen Staten Island to Beta Test The First The Purge because of the copious amounts of POOR BROWN PEOPLE there.

VAN JONES

I’m Van Jones with Corrupt News Network reporting. Some are saying The Purge is just an excuse to murder all the poorers on welfare. Any comment Hot Aunt May?

MARISA TOMEI

(produces pearls)

(clutches them)

That’s JUST LIKE the Lamestream Media to demonize people like me! Anyone is allowed to leave the island if they wish, but if they stay they get $5 thousand bucks. We know how much these types love free government money.

VAN JONES

But they only get the money if they’re not brutally murdered first.

MARISA TOMEI

Hey there’s no such thing as a free lunch. If they don’t like it they can go to Venezuela with Bernie Sanders!

Meanwhile local ANTIFA activist LEX SCOTT DAVIS and her WOKE DREADS are protesting The Purge.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Do not participate in The Purge! Poor Lives Matter!

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Bitch we trying to get that $5k! That’s life-changing money for us!

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

You can’t spend the money if you’re dead. Is trying to avoid dropping dead for 12 hours for so little money really worth it?

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Clearly you’ve never worked at Walmart or an Amazon warehouse before. It’s the same damn thing while somehow paying less money.

Meanwhile local drug kingpin COTTONMOUTH Y'LAN NOEL swaggers into frame.

Y'LAN NOEL

I can’t risk leaving my massive drug empire unattended for 12 hours so I’ll stay on the island to protect it from what is sure to be hundreds of my customers looking to get some free drugs or money.

HIS CREW

Wait are we getting hazard pay for this?

Y'LAN NOEL

Hell no! And if you don't like it you can take it up with the Drug Dealer’s Union! Hey Lex, since we used to bone and clearly still have a thing for each other I want to offer you protection at my drug fort.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

No Y’Lan! As you know I broke up with you because you are a ruthless drug dealer! Even though I started boning you probably because of the money and power that comes with being a ruthless drug dealer!

Y'LAN NOEL

Your hypocrisy is so sexy. Don’t do it for me, do it for the safety of your idiot brother Joivan Wade.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

I know Joivan is a candy ass moron so I sent him off the island before The Purge starts.

JOIVAN WADE

That’s what you think! I got a gun and signed up for the $5k if I survive! And for my participation the government gave me these terrible video camera contacts that make me look like some kind of cyber zombie. Now I look as stupid as I am.

INT. NFFA MURDER MONITORING HEADQUARTERS

MARISA and NFFA boot licker PATCH DARRAGH watch the participants through drone footage and those awful, awful CONTACT LENS CAMERAS.

PATCH DARRAGH

Can we sacrifice whoever came up with those contact lens cameras to The Purge?

MARISA TOMEI

But I came up with those!

PATCH DARRAGH

Good to know. Time to watch all the delicious poor people murder! I’ve got my popcorn and Big Gulp ready and everything!

THE PURGE BEGINS!

And nothing happens!

PATCH DARRAGH

The fuck?! The government didn’t shell out all this cash to NOT watch society instantly devolve into mindless killing machines! This is all your fault Marisa!

MARISA TOMEI

Hey! My entire theory was based on the first act of the Left Behind movie so blame them instead!

PATCH DARRAGH

Wait wait wait what about that ghoulish crackhead from the first scene? Surely he’ll prove the stereotype that all black people are violent killers!

ROTIMI approaches a DOOMED HISPANIC GUY.

DOOMED HISPANIC GUY

The only person I’m planning on killing is this ATM machine! See? The Purge doesn’t have to be all about murder! It can be about theft too ERK!

(stabbed to death)

ROTIMI PAUL

I’m on the board with the first Purge kill! And mama said I’d never amount to nothing! Now I’m off to prove her right by being a heartless killer!

EXT. STATEN ISLAND

Everyone’s just hanging out at a BLOCK PARTY and committing the reprehensible crime of playing loud music without a permit.

ROTIMI arrives with his knife clearly in hand and some THOT starts grinding her ass all up on him.

ROTIMI PAUL

Jesus woman, if the knife didn’t tip you off that I am a psycho then surely my crazy tweeker eyes and gingivitis teeth should have clued you in.

THOT

(ignores all that)

(is stabbed)

JOIVAN WADE

Well it’s a good thing I have a gun! The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a shiv is a good guy with a gun who’s not a total pussy!

But JOIVAN is a TOTAL PUSSY so ROTIMI takes his gun and chases after him.

JOIVAN WADE

Lex! You were right about my ass being pure candy! Come save me!

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Sure thing! I was using my plot armor to protect this church full of unarmed children and elderly people but I’m sure they’ll be fine without it.

That church is FUCKED.

LEX runs across town but is nearly pulled into a sewer by some weirdos who GRAB HER BY THE PUSSY.

YES THIS HAPPENS, UGH.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

At least these guys have The Purge as an excuse, unlike some people.

LEX arrives to save JOIVAN.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

(is immediately held hostage by Rotimi)

ROTIMI PAUL

Smooth move Lex-Lax! Bet you wish you could trade in your gender studies degree for a gun right about now.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Actually I wish I had a dentist license so I could fix that fucked up septic tank you call a mouth.

JOIVAN stabs ROTIMI in the back and runs away with LEX.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Wait why didn’t you kill him?

JOIVAN WADE

Did you not hear the part about me being a sentient labia? Besides you never know, that dirt mouthed crackhead might be the one who saves us all in the end.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

No way. That would be the craziest fucking thing this franchise has ever done.

JOIVAN WADE

Texas went Democrat in the last movie.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Okay-- SECOND craziest fucking thing.

INT. NFFA MURDER MONITORING HEADQUARTERS

PATCH DARRAGH

Damnit! The poors aren’t turning Staten Island into Chicago 2: Chicago Harder! Time to send in our government funded kill squads dressed up as MS-13 and KKK members!

MARISA TOMEI

But that’s CHEATING! You’re corrupting my experiment!

PATCH DARRAGH

Bitch I’m a politician, cheating and being corrupt makes my dick hard. Now it’s time to Thanos you.

(snaps fingers)

MARISA TOMEI’S BODY DOUBLE?

(dusted)

EXT. STATEN ISLAND

LEX and JOIVAN try to make it back to their HOUSING PROJECT while avoiding the KILL SQUADS.

Meanwhile Y’LAN and his DRUG GANG are ambushed by the KILL SQUADS but fight them off with their MILITARY TRAINING???

Y'LAN NOEL

Apparently I am a highly trained badass who chooses to use his unique skill set to traffic drugs to the community. Well no more! I now pledge to protect this neighborhood! Because if I don’t I won’t have any customers left!

Y’LAN and his gang save a nursing home from a KILL SQUAD and he instantly becomes a folk hero.

Y'LAN NOEL

I’m not the hero this city deserves, but I’m the one it needs.

(perches on a rooftop as his cape billows in the wind)

HIS CREW

Look! The Kill Squads are descending on Lex’s housing project!

Y'LAN NOEL

We must save her and protect all the innocent souls within from harm!

HIS CREW

Uh boss, you do realize you were selling heroin and crack rocks to these very same people like 12 hours ago right?

Y'LAN NOEL

Hey nobody’s perfect.

Then some of the government DRONES monitoring The Purge brandish machine guns and KILL Y’LAN’S ENTIRE CREW.

Y'LAN NOEL

Damnit! Guess I’ll just have to take down a dozen highly trained killers with military weapons all by my damn self!

(strips down to John McClane wife beater)

(shleps Jack Bauer man bag full of infinite weapons)

INT. PEACH TREES HOUSING PROJECT

Y’LAN uses guns to mow down the first few floors of bad guys, then uses the deadly art of SILAT to kill the rest.

Meanwhile LEX and JOIVAN are held up in their apartment when Y’LAN arrives.

JOIVAN WADE

Holy shit you’re jacked. Are you auditioning for the Blade reboot or what?

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

And who the hell taught you Silat? All this time you could have used these skills to stop criminals instead of becoming one, then we would still be boning.

Y'LAN NOEL

Oh that is going to happen, but first we need to make it out of here alive. I have a C4 bomb, but the kill squad has a rocket launcher ready to explode us all. There’s no way out! We need a miracle!

JOIVAN WADE

A miracle with meth teeth!

The KILL SQUAD is about to blow everyone up when ROTIMI attacks them with a machete!

ROTIMI PAUL

Wait you guys have guns OH FUCK

(gets smoked)

KILL SQUAD

(is blown up)

THE PURGE ENDS.

All the survivors and wounded regroup outside the housing project.

SURVIVORS

Hey at least we all get our $5k! Whoo-hoo!

(spends money on PTSD treatments and surgery to repair nerve damage from gunshot/stab wounds)

Fuuuuuck, $5k isn’t going to cover all this shit is it?

JOIVAN WADE

$5k isn’t even going to cover the co-pay.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

So what do we do now?

Y'LAN NOEL

We fight! I guess this means I’m the guy who starts The Resistance.

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

Does that mean we have to wear Pussy Hats?

Y'LAN NOEL

Hell no! I want our movement to be taken seriously! Not memed and laughed at on Twitter! Why would we sabotage ourselves by looking silly?

LEX SCOTT DAVIS

So... black leather coats and French beret hats then?

Y'LAN NOEL

Well we can’t be plotting to kill rich people and politicians while looking lame! We should be able to accomplish our goal of stopping The Purge with 5 years or so.

THE PURGE goes on for 20 MORE YEARS.

END

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

PATCH DARRAGH

The Purge has been such a rousing success we have decided to create a spinoff TV show!

AUDIENCE

Finally, this premise can be given the time it needs to properly flesh out its concept and characters all while giving us the R-Rated violence we’ve come to love about this franchise.

PATCH DARRAGH

It’s premiering on USA Network.

AUDIENCE

God fucking damnit!!!!!

END

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