"There, I cut off my balls, deep-fried them, and served them as breakfast. Happy?!?"


"There, I cut off my balls, deep-fried them, and served them as breakfast. Happy?!?"

THE F WORD (WHAT IF)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ROOFTOP

DANIEL RADCLIFFE, pining over his ex-girlfriend, sits on top of his house looking at TORONTO.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Holy crap this is ridiculous. The CN Tower is RIGHT THERE, how are we supposed to pretend this is New York or Philadelphia or…

DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE

Ah, Daniel, the movie actually is set in Toronto.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Fuck off. Really?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE

Really. And please don't swear too much or we might have to re-edit this whole movie for the American distributors. In fact, I'd better change the title so that it doesn't even HINT at a swear word.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Are we talking about the same America that had "S#*! My Dad Says" on network TV?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE

Strangely, yes. But I've got it all figured out--it'll be "The F Word" in Canada, "What If" in the USA, and "Harry Potter's Got a Big Blue Nutsack, Crikey!" in Australia, unless that's too tame for them.

INT. HOUSE PARTY

DANIEL goes to a party thrown by ADAM DRIVER. He wanders to the kitchen and makes MAGNETIC FRIDGE POETRY, establishing that the movie takes place between OCTOBER 17 AND 26, 1994, the only period in history when anybody gave a shit about MAGNETIC FRIDGE POETRY. ZOE KAZAN notices.

ZOE KAZAN

That's a real quirky, offbeat, hipster thing to be doing. Allow me to make cute, artsy comments about it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Only an artsy dream girl type could make such quirky comments! We should be offbeat and hip together.

Meanwhile, ADAM DRIVER introduces himself to MACKENZIE DAVIS.

ADAM DRIVER

Hi. Let's fuck nonstop for the rest of time starting now.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Sure! You know I'm not Cobie Smulders though, right?

ADAM DRIVER

Absolutely! And you know I AM Adam Driver, right?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Fucking right!

They begin FUCKING. Meanwhile DANIEL walks ZOE home.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We are ridiculously compatible, aren't we. I mean we might even be clones, we should have our DNA tested before things get serious.

ZOE KAZAN

I can't wait for that! I can't fight the uncontrollable urge to bring you back to my place and let you eagerly suck on the fact that I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, OH SNAAAAAAP!!!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(balls explode)

INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT -- WEEKS LATER

ZOE invites DANIEL to a party with her boyfriend RAFE SPALL.

ZOE KAZAN

Rafe, this is Daniel, the guy I've been doing non-stop cutesy activities with, the kind of stuff people bond over in romantic comedies? Daniel, this is Rafe, he's the type of serious career successful guy that always loses out to the scruffy loser in romantic comedies. Have fun!

RAFE SPALL

Good to meet you, Dan. Why don't you help me prep for dinner... Hey, could I ask you to open that window reeeealllly wide?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What, this enormous one behind you, that a human could easily fit through?

RAFE SPALL

Exactly! Now if it's no trouble, please set this tripwire so it runs beside my ankle? Make sure it's nice and taut.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Happy to!

RAFE SPALL

And if you wouldn't mind coating my shoes with this high-slick engine grease...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No problem!

RAFE SPALL

Thanks buddy, I'm sure we'll get along great. Now to AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(plummets to death)

INT. AMBULANCE

RAFE is being rushed to HOSPITAL.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'm still amazed he didn't actually die from that multi-storey drop onto his head.

PARAMEDIC ENNIS ESMER

(to camera)

Hey there fans! That's right, you're not seeing things: it's me, Ennis Esmer, playing exactly the same role that I do on the hit CTV series "The Listener"! Pretty crazy right?!? Time for the Internet to EXPLOOODE!!

(crickets)

INT. ZOE AND RAFE'S PLACE

RAFE, having completely healed, sits down with ZOE.

RAFE SPALL

Zoe, I have some big news. The director got some money from the Irish Film Board so we get to shoot some scenes there! Anyway I’m going to my new job across the ocean in ten minutes, and we’ll have a long distance thing, sound good?

(taxi honks from outside)

ZOE KAZAN

Not really. Maybe we could have a longer discussion about perhaps me going with you, or some other compromise, or a re-assessment of our life goals... y'know, like people in an actual relationship might do?

RAFE SPALL

Sorry what, I was busy drinking Guinness with leprechauns OH DAAANNY BOOYYYY, OH DAAAAAAANNY BOOYYYYYY

EXT. TORONTO

In an effort to rid his mind of dirty thoughts about ZOE, DANIEL goes on a date with her sister MEGAN PARK, since that always works EVER SO WELL.

MEGAN PARK

I had a great time tonight. It's pretty obvious you're hopelessly in love with Zoe, though, so let's fuck.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(blinks)

Huh? No, look, you're great but--

MEGAN PARK

(enraged)

GREAT?!? HOW DARE YOU I HATE THAT FUCKING WORD SO MUCH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

(beats up Daniel)

ALEXANDER THE GREAT & THE GREAT GATSBY

Pardon us, we got caught in an interdimensional time vortex and we were hoping...

MEGAN PARK

OH FUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

(disembowels Gatsby)

(neck-snaps Alexander)

(changes human history, catapulting us into a nightmarish Bizarro-world)

(Leafs win Stanley Cup)

EXT. BEACH -- YEAH TORONTO HAS BEACHES, LOOK IT UP, IT'S NOT ALL IGLOOS AND TUNDRA UP HERE YOU KNOW

DANIEL, ZOE, ADAM, and MACKENZIE all take a trip to the beach. They SKINNY DIP and as a hilarious prank, ADAM and MACKENZIE run off with everyone's clothes.

ZOE KAZAN

I guess we'll just hang out naked together. But, y’know, as friends.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sure. Totally platonic friendly naked time.

ZOE KAZAN

We could even stare at each others’ junk a bit. In a friendly way.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Absolutely. FYI, my member is TOTALLY throbbing with friendship. That’s mutual respect bulging the veins of my cock right now.

ZOE KAZAN

I'm glad we understand each other. Now for warmth, let's lie adjacent in the nude and

(falls asleep)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(balls explode)

EXT. THE NEXT MORNING

ADAM and MACENZIE return with all the clothes.

ADAM DRIVER

Phew, you didn't die of exposure. Wasn’t that a wacky stunt we did? So all those awkward unspoken things between you got completely resolved in a painless way, am I right?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Fuck you.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Wait, how did that not work?!? I’d think about making it right but Adam and I have to start fucking again, that is all we ever do, apparently.

INT. ZOE'S MAGIC OFFICE OF FANTASTICKAL WHIMSY

ZOE is hard at work HALLUCINATING PRETTY GLOWY FAIRYTALE APPARITIONS when her boss approaches.

ZOE'S BOSS

Good work on the Shiny Pixie Stardust account, Zoe. Have you thought about that job offer from Taiwan?

ZOE KAZAN

I did, but sadly we didn't get any funding from the Taiwan studios. So we're stuck being an Irish/Canadian co-production, which means I guess I'm going to Ireland now.

EXT. IRELAND

ZOE arrives at RAFE'S apartment.

ZOE KAZAN

Surprise, I came to visit!

RAFE SPALL

(carousing)

Wha, oh, hello! Um, please allow tits to introfuck my cock-worker, Sluttie O'Sluttigan! Erk!

ZOE despairingly teleports back to TORONTO.

EXT. TORONTO

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I realize now, I must tell Zoe I love her!

DANIEL teleports to IRELAND and finds RAFE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hi, is this a good time to derail your long-term relationship?

RAFE SPALL

Fuck you!

(punches Daniel)

DANIEL teleports back to TORONTO and finds ZOE in their favourite diner.

ZOE KAZAN

What the fuck, did Ireland switch places with Scarborough in this universe? That whole sequence seemed to happen in one afternoon.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Never mind that! I love you Zoe!!

ZOE KAZAN

What!? You mean all this time you were only pretending to like me for who I am!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, that's not true at all. I DO like you for who you are, so much so, that I love you.

ZOE KAZAN

And so what, you've just been respecting my choices and not forcing romantic intentions where they aren't wanted?!? Fuck off, you horrible jerk!

(runs out)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(balls explode)

INT. ANOTHER PARTY AT ADAM DRIVER'S PLACE

DANIEL and ZOE, having avoided each other for months, both come to the party, just like the original party they met at, because NARRATIVE SYMMETRY!!!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Zoe, I heard you accepted that offscreen job in Taiwan. So I... got you a going-away present.

ZOE KAZAN

Aw, that's sweet. I actually got you something too.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Here you are, it's... a triple-deep-fried pound of meat on grease-bread with lard sauce and extra sweatcheese. It's literally the most disgusting food ever created and is considered a war crime in 42 countries. Please, accept this offering.

ZOE KAZAN

Oh wow, I got you... the same thing! We're destined for each other after all! Kiss me!

At long last, they share their first KISS next to the enormous slab of juice-oozing deli slop.

END

INT. BIG-TIME BIG-MONEY DISTRIBUTION OFFICES

DISTRIBUTORS

Woah, wait, what just happened?!? Like they kissed but then what?!?? So confuuuuused!! Quick, add another scene!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

But, we finished filming ages ago. Everyone has moved on and spread out across the globe and...

DISTRIBUTORS

SOOOO CONFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSED

INT. / EXT. BONUS EXPLANATORY SCENE

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh hello Zoe who is MY WIFE because WE GOT MARRIED. It sure is nice to be IN LOVE AND MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.

CUTOUT OF ZOE KAZAN

(with voiceover)

Yes I also am quite pleased with being IN LOVE AND MARRIED TO YOU.

ADAM DRIVER AND MACKENZIE DAVIS

(splitscreen, in respective living rooms)

WE ARE ALSO STILL MARRIED AND IN LOVE

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So I hope everybody now understands which characters are IN LOVE AND MARRIED.

VACATION PHOTO OF RAFE SPALL

(voiceover)

Presumably I remain an UNMARRIED DONKEY FUCKER.

DISTRIBUTORS

WAY BETTER THANKZ

END

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Claire.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.

Discussion