I guess no one told Emojis that they should never shit where they eat.


I guess no one told Emojis that they should never shit where they eat.

THE EMOJI MOVIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THE EMOJI CITY

T.J. MILLER, the "Meh" Emoji, introduces us to the world inside a smartphone.

MEH T.J. MILLER

Hello morons! Are you being good little morons today? Did you get your moronic popcorn and moronic soda in order to enjoy some entertainment that will satisfy your little moron minds?

(pause)

Okay, so I don't actually say this, but let's face it, the filmmakers were probably thinking this when they wrote this movie. Anyway, welcome to the emoji city inside the messenger app! It's called Textopolis. It may seem like a happy little city, but in reality, it's a miserable hellhole with strict social norms and a vicious caste system.

T.J. prepares for his first day of work at the EMOJI SCANNER. We meet his parents, MEH JENNIFER COOLIDGE and MEH STEVEN WRIGHT.

MEH STEVEN WRIGHT

Son, I know you're excited about your first day, but I'm not letting you go to work. You see, the face emojis are only allowed to be one emotion, and you show too many emotions.

MEH T.J. MILLER

I'm confused. Are emojis physically incapable of showing other emotions, and I'm just the exception? Or do emojis have the capacity to make the other emoji faces but this world forces us to live every second of our lives as just one emoji face? And if that's true, this is just a job, isn't it? That's like saying that when a plumber leaves work he still has to go home and stick his face in a toilet.

SIR POOPTRICK STEWART

Yes, I would agree! As long as we make the face in the scanner, what does it matter what we do outside of it?

MEH T.J. MILLER

Oh Patrick, what are you doing? This is depressing. You're really playing the motherfucking poop emoji? Also, since your emoji is a piece of shit, shouldn't you BE a piece of shit, i.e. rude, aggressive, and selfish?

SIR POOPTRICK STEWART

That is a good point, but my emoji also has a happy face, so maybe I should be a nice guy. But let's not forget, I'm barely in this and don't even contribute to the plot. So who gives a "me?"

MEH JENNIFER COOLIDGE

Moving on. I'm sorry son, but it's truly a horrible and embarrassing thing to make other faces. That is why we call you a "malfunction."

MEH T.J. MILLER

That wouldn't be a dickish way of calling me handicapped, would it?

MEH JENNIFER COOLIDGE

It might be, dear. It might be.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - OUTSIDE OF THE PHONE

We meet TEENAGER JAKE T. AUSTIN

MEH T.J. MILLER (V.O.)

Hey, that's our user! And like most high schoolers, he's completely obsessed with his phone. And what a great way to encourage that behavior by glorifying it on the big screen!

JAKE'S crush, TATI GABRIELLE, sends him a TEXT.

JAKE T. AUSTIN

OMG! A TEXT! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

JAKE'S FRIEND

Why are you freaking out? She has your number already, right? You obviously have enough game to get her number, so you had to assume this would happen...

JAKE T. AUSTIN

Yes, but alas! I'm so awkward and shy that I can't decide what emoji to send her!

JAKE'S FRIEND

Well what does the text even say? Maybe it doesn't warrant an emoji response...

JAKE T. AUSTIN

Of course it does! I have to give the little, sentient blobs that live in my phone something to do!

JAKE'S FRIEND

We're not friends anymore.

INT. MESSENGER APP - EMOJI SCANNER

T.J. convinces his parents that he's capable of going to work and meets INSANELY SMILEY MAYA RUDOLPH.

SMILEY MAYA RUDOLPH

Haha! Hello everyone, welcome to your first day! So how it works is, you stand in your Hollywood Squares cubicle and wait for Jake to pick you. When he does, a giant finger robot scans your face and then sends the image up to Jake's phone, and the emoji is sent!

(pause)

And let me tell you, there's nothing like being scanned for the first time... You're gonna love it.

MEH T.J. MILLER

A sex joke, eh? That's nice for a kids movie--

SMILEY MAYA RUDOPLH

You'll love the second time too. And the third, fourth, and hundredth time. And pretty soon you'll have 10 to 12 scans a day... and it still won't be enough, so you start self-scanning in the bathroom at McDonalds. Then you start going out to dive bars and giving scan jobs to the local low-lives just to get your fix. Eventually you end up hiring hookers and have them beat you while scanning just so you can feel something again. And that's when you realize that you need help.

MEH T.J. MILLER

OOOKAAAAYYYYYYYY.. How 'bout showing us to our cubicles then?

T.J. gets his own cubicle, and JAKE picks him!

MEH T.J. MILLER

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod it's my time! Alright, remember T.J., the only thing you have to do is make a "meh" face. That should be simple enough!

It is apparently NOT SIMPLE. He FREAKS OUT and makes a DOZEN FACES at once, all of which get SCANNED and sent to TATI in some weird HYBRID EMOJI.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM

TATI GABRIELLE

Huh, a new emoji... that's kind of cool. I'm sure it would get a lot of attention if I posted it on Tumblr or something. And I should really talk to the guy who sent it. That might be a funny conversation COUGH I mean, woah, like, that's totally fucking weird! I am not speaking to the guy who sent it because he is totally fucking weird!

JAKE T. AUSTIN

Oh my god! My life is over!

INT. BACK IN THE PHONE

T.J. somehow causes the scanner to CRASH and DESTROY the other cubicles. Chaos ensues!

MEH T.J. MILLER

Oh my god! My life is over!

SMILEY MAYA RUDOLPH

Haha! Well, unlike Jake, who's just being a dramatic teenager, YOUR life IS actually over! See, we're going to do what we do to all handicapped people. Kill you! Haha!

MAYA sends out her TERMINATOR BOTS to kill T.J.. He escapes them and runs into HI-5 JAMES CORDEN in the "Loser Lounge" where all the unpopular emoji hang out.

MEH T.J. MILLER

Really? The eggplant emoji? You mean to tell me that the eggplant emoji is in the "least used" section? Bahahahaha!

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

Whatever. Anyway, I think I know how to solve your problem. We'll just find the hacker named Anna Faris. She can reprogram you so you're not a handicap- err... a "malfunction" anymore!

MEH T.J. MILLER

Great idea! But wait, emojis can leave the messenger app? That's weird, isn't it?

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

You mean, weirder than the idea that an emoji just tried to have another emoji killed?

MEH T.J. MILLER

Good point.

JAMES and T.J. flee the MESSENGER APP and walk on the phone's wallpaper, where they bounce around FACEBOOK! And WECHAT! WHEEEEEEEEE!

INT. HARD ROCKIN', BEER SWIGGIN' PIRACY APP.

They walk amongst viruses, spam bots, and trolls.

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

Because internet trolls are things you download in to your phone...?

They find UNOFFICIAL REBEL EMOJI ANNA FARIS.

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Oh hey. And by "hey" I mean, I don't want anything to do with you guys. I am a totally cool, independent emoji, and I don't need the help of anyone else. And don't even think about asking me about my divorce from Chris Pratt.

MEH T.J. MILLER

YOU AND CHRIS PRATT BROKE UP? OH MY GOD! LOVE IS DEAD! SHOCKED! HAPPY! ANGRY! CONFUSED!

REBEL EMOJI ANNA FARIS

Woah, you show a lot of emotions! You must be special. Or a gossip columnist. Either way, I'll help you. If we hurry, we can get to the most important place on the phone. Dropbox. Now available for Android and iOS.

TROLL JEFFREY ROSS

Jeez, here we go again. What's next, "everyone surround the dropbox, make sure it's safe!"?

NOT QUITE but...

They leave the PIRACY APP and fall into CANDY CRUSH. They waste the next five minutes just playing CANDY CRUSH. Then they fall into the JUST DANCE app. This again, is another waste of five minutes, but at least it moves the plot along. Slightly.

Elsewhere, STEVEN and JENNIFER leave Textopolis and check out YOUTUBE and INSTAGRAM in order to find T.J..

MEH STEVEN WRIGHT

Look at this, if we select this picture on Instagram of Jake and his family in Paris, we can walk through and interact with the frozen landscape. That's kind of cool. Are we going to use this idea for something useful?

MEH JENNIFER COOLIDGE

Nope. In fact the only reason we're here is to explore this stupid subplot of us splitting up and then getting back together again. Which everyone definitely cares about!

INT. JAKE'S BORING WALLPAPER.

Since the JUST DANCE app caused JAKE'S phone to make noises in class, he DELETES the app. ANNA and T.J. make it out in time, but JAMES gets deleted with it!

MEH T.J. MILLER

Oh no! James is in the trash now! We've got to go rescue him!

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Why? He's the one who turned on the dancing app in the first place. This is pretty much all his fault.

MEH T.J. MILLER

Yes I know. My stupid, annoying sidekick behaved stupidly and annoyingly. But he's my friend.

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Okay, so we've got to find a way to get to him. It's got to be quick, safe, and enables it's users to download unlimited content for just a mere $9.99 a month.

ANNA AND T.J.

(turn to camera)

Spotify, of course!

They sail the music streams of SPOTIFY throughout the phone. It is also revealed that ANNA is actually the PRINCESS EMOJI.

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Yes, it's true. I left Textopolis because if you're a girl, you're only allowed to be a princess or a bride. That's why I need to get to Dropbox. So I can live on the cloud and be whatever I want to be!

MEH T.J. MILLER

I'm confused again. Are you saying that you had a choice of what emoji you wanted to be at some point? Couldn't you just stick with the idea that you don't like that Textopolis forces you to stay just one thing, so you decided to leave? Because the idea of someone being just one thing is absurd?

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Nope! Oh and I just realized that my previous statement was wrong. You can be something other than a princess or a bride if you're a girl. You can be a hell-raising dictator like Maya.

MEH T.J. MILLER

Textopolis is swell.

They rescue JAMES from the TRASH and finally get to DROPBOX. JAMES actually makes himself useful and gets them past the FIREWALL, and they finally end up in the CLOUD.

REBEL ANNA FARIS

Well, you helped me get to my destination, so I guess I'll keep my end of the bargain and reprogram you. Which is a real bummer, because I like you the way you are. Oh well, enjoy your new life as a mindless drone.

T.J. decides to tell ANNA how he feels about her. She turns him down, and he turns into a "meh" all by himself. He is then captured by MAYA'S MEGA BOT and willingly goes back to the MESSENGER APP.

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

WTF bitch? Did you really have to stomp all over his heart?

REBEL ANNA FARIS

I let him down pretty nicely actually... but I regret it now! We've got to get back to the messenger app. I'm going to whistle for a bird to take us there, like all princesses can!

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

You've been saying that's just a bullshit stereotype throughout the entire movie. Now you're saying that it's true? Also, WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE JUST DONE THIS BEFORE?

They fly the TWITTER BIRD back to TEXTOPOLIS.

INT. MESSENGER APP

MAYA prepares to EXECUTE T.J. in a PUBLIC SQUARE.

SMILEY MAYA RUDOLPH

I may be a homicidal psychopath, but really, can you guys blame me at this point? Jake is literally at the phone store right now having us all deleted. That's right! Thanks to the antics of the "heroes" of this movie, we're all going to be killed! Haha!

JAMES and ANNA arrive in time to defeat MAYA by running her over during CARPOOL KARAOKE.

PRINCESS/REBEL ANNA FARIS

Okay, Tati is at the same phone store as Jake. If we can send up a super cool emoji to send to her, he might not want to delete us after all. I know you're a zombie now T.J., but I came back because you're special!

MEH T.J. MILLER

Does that mean you're in love with me too?

PRINCESS/REBEL ANNA FARIS

Woah, hey now, let's not jump to conclusions. I guess I just came back here so we could be friends...?

MEH T.J. MILLER

This is surprisingly good enough for me!

T.J. makes numerous faces again, but this time, ANNA turns them into an animated emoji that changes expressions. He sends it to TATI.

INT. AMBIGUOUS T-MO-SPRINT-VODO-IZON PHONE STORE

TATI receives the animated emoji and approaches JAKE.

TATI GABRIELLE

Cool emoji.

(actual line)

I like that you're one of those guys who can actually express his feelings.

PHONE STORE CLERK

(slams head on desk)

JAKE reconsiders and unplugs his phone during a MAJOR UPDATE. Everything undeletes itself! The city is saved!

INT. MESSENGER APP

MEH T.J. MILLER

Welp, I dunno about you guys, but I've learned a valuable lesson out of all of this. I've learned that sometimes you don't have conform to societal norms. Especially when your society is as stupid as ours.

PRINCESS/REBEL ANNA FARIS

And I've learned that sometimes you have to conform back into the person you were trying so hard not to be.

MEH T.J. MILLER

I've got an idea! Let's try to create a meme to market this movie! People love that stuff!

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

Dude, give it up. This is starting to get embarassing.

MEH T.J. MILLER

C'mon! We can make a meme, this movie is great! We can totally pull it off!

HI-5 JAMES CORDEN

(posing like a chicken)

wE CAn MaKE a mEMe, THiS mOViE iS GrEAt! wE CAn tOTalLy pULl iT oFf!

END

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