Evian: The Official Bottled Water of WTF.


Evian: The Official Bottled Water of WTF.

THE DISASTER ARTIST

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MEANWHILE, IN SAN FRANCISCO...

Acting student DAVE FRANCO struggles to emote.

DAVE FRANCO

Um... *cough* "As far as I'm concerned, you can, uh, drop off the Earth..." Uh, line?

ACTING COACH MELANIE GRIFFITH

SCENE. That was fucking terrible. I don't know why you're even here, you could have been the top search term for female PornHub users by now. Jimmy, you're up.

Off-puttingly weird man JIMMY FRANCEAU takes the STAGE.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

(actual line)

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DAVE catches up with JIMMY after class.

DAVE FRANCO

You inspire me, man. I wish I could be as completely free of shame and understanding of normal human conduct as you. But I'm just a chicken.

BOTH

Cheep cheep cheep!

DAVE FRANCO

I mean, the wrinkles, the foreign accent, the Benz... what's going on here?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

You can keep basic details of your back story deep inside your head and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people decide not to question me, the world would be a better place to live.

DAVE FRANCO

Want to move in together and help each other become famous?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Oh, yeah, sure. You know what they say: Desperation is blind.

EXT. OH HAI HOLLYWOOD

JIMMY and DAVE try to audition and schmooze their way into MOVIES, with DAVE signing on with agent SHARON STONE.

SHARON STONE

I like you... very much... loverboy.

DAVE FRANCO

Does that mean you found a part for me?

SHARON STONE

I don't want to talk about it.

Meanwhile, JIMMY encounters ABJECT FAILURE at every turn.

THE INDUSTRY

Wake up, man! What planet are you on?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

I’ll show them! I will record everything!

He hunkers down to write the worst SCREENPLAY ever that is neither MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE nor BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR nor KIRK CAMERON'S SAVING CHRISTMAS nor TROLL 2 nor PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE nor SAMURAI COP nor GIGLI nor MONSTER A GO-GO nor MIAMI CONNECTION. Take your pick, I've got MORE.

INT. OH HAI APARTMENT

JIMMY enters.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Hai, babyface! I have something for you!

He presents DAVE with the SEXY NEW SCREENPLAY.

DAVE FRANCO

Thanks, Jimmy, it’s beautiful! Did you get the remote possibility of an acting career?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Naaah.

DAVE FRANCO

You didn’t get it, did you?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

They crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. I don’t care anymore.

DAVE FRANCO

I still have an ever-shrinking fragment of confidence in you.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

You’re the only one who does.

DAVE FRANCO

...Well, that's for damn sure.

INT. OH HAI AUDIOVISUAL EQUIPMENT RENTAL SHOP

JIMMY enters the shop, where he is greeted by owner HANNIBAL BURESS.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Yeah, can I buy two crews' worth of equipment, please?

HANNIBAL BURESS

Oh, hi, Jimmy, I didn’t know it was you. Literally, since we just met, but I'm sure I'll never forget this moment as long as I live and breathe.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

That’s me! How much is it?

HANNIBAL BURESS

It’ll be a never-confirmed sum of money somewhere in the territory of six million dollars, which came into your possession by means that men fear to contemplate.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Here you go. Keep the change.

(pats sales rep on head)

Hai, Jason Mantzoukas.

JASON MANTZOUKAS

Wait, you’re for realsies buying all this stuff outright instead of renting like everyone else?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Yeah. It's real Hollywood movie.

HANNIBAL BURESS

You're our favorite customer!

INT. OH HAI STUDIO

PRINCIPAL PHOTOGRAPHY begins with ZAC EFRON, who plays "DAN-J," turning in a surprisingly effective PERFORMANCE as a VIOLENT DRUG DEALER.

DAVE FRANCO

Damn, Zac, you have legit talent! I didn't expect that from anyone involved!

ZAC EFRON

Thanks, man. Maybe now people will FINALLY stop thinking of me as a mop-headed Disney twink.

(glares at audience)

Later, JOSH HUTCHERSON, who plays “PHILIP,” has a problem with his CHARACTER.

JOSH HUTCHERSON

So Philip is supposed to be in his mid-20s despite having no idea how to function as a human being past the age of six?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

That’s the idea! Let’s roll tape, huuuhhh?

Later, JACKI WEAVER, who plays “CAROLYN,” finds the FILMING CONDITIONS disagreeable.

JACKI WEAVER

Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

You're not dying, Jacki.

JACKI WEAVER

I got the results of 100-degree weather in a pantsuit with no water back. I definitely have heatstroke.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Don't worry about it.

Later, JIMMY films a CRINGE-INDUCING SEX SCENE with ARI GRAYNOR, who plays “JULIETTE.”

ARI GRAYNOR

We can start shooting now, Jimmy. They covered up that mole on my shoulder that only you found more objectionable than your taint.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

In a few minutes, bitch!

Amid all this, JIMMY finds himself constantly at LOGGERHEADS with script supervisor SETH ROGEN and cinematographer PAUL SCHEER.

SETH ROGEN

What kind of drugs do you take?!

JIMMY FRANCEAU

It’s nothing like that!

PAUL SCHEER

What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

STOP GANGING UP ON ME!!!

EXT. OH HAI ROOFTOP

DAVE has a chat with his girlfriend, ALISON BRIE.

DAVE FRANCO

Shooting is very strange these days. Jimmy had to a film a scene that took 60+ takes. One of them went so bad, he ended up staring directly into the camera like the demon he probably is.

ALISON BRIE

What a story, Dave.

DAVE FRANCO

Yeah, you can say that again.

ALISON BRIE

Well, maybe you should shoot an episode of a popular TV sitcom with my exercise buddy Bryan Cranston. Wait, how did I not tell you about that until now?

DAVE asks JIMMY for TWO DAYS OFF for this purpose.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

You shouldn’t take any time away from me. I am your future meal ticket.

DAVE FRANCO

You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change my mind. Actors with even the slightest bit of promise change their minds all the time.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Why, Dave? Why, Dave? Please sacrifice everything for me! I could not go on without you, Dave!

DAVE FRANCO

You’re scaring me. Like, for real, Jimmy. Get some help or go back to your home planet, whichever’s faster.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Do you understand vaguely homoerotic codependency? DO YOU?!

DAVE finally snaps and starts wailing on JIMMY.

DAVE FRANCO

What’s your fucking age, Jimmy? Where’s your fucking hometown? Where does your fucking money come from? WHERE DOES YOUR FUCKING MONEY COME FROM, JIMMY? WHERE DOES YOUR FUCKING MONEY COME FROM?!

JIMMY FRANCEAU

YOU ARE TEARING OUR VERBAL AGREEMENT NOT TO SPEAK OF THOSE MATTERS APART, DAVE!!!

DAVE FRANCO

I’M FED UP WITH THIS FRIENDSHIP!!!

INT. EIGHT MONTHS LATER

Having improved from USELESS to REASONABLY TALENTED, DAVE gets a role in LIVE THEATRE, where he unexpectedly reunites with JIMMY.

DAVE FRANCO

So... how did the movie turn out?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Oh, pretty good. We got a cinema and a limo for the premiere. We make a lot of money.

DAVE FRANCO

Jimmy, level with me: Can you foresee ANY circumstances under which this thing turns a profit?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

No, I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?

DAVE FRANCO

Well, watching you with Ari turned me off sex forever, so Alison dumped me.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Ha ha ha. I'm so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love our movie so much.

DAVE FRANCO

(sighs)

You want me to come to the premiere, don't you?

JIMMY FRANCEAU

It seems to me like you're the CO-STAR, Dave!

INT. A NIGHT WHICH WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

JIMMY greets the AUDIENCE.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

Hey, everybody, I have an announcement to make! We're expecting this to be a giant hit!

AUDIENCE

(claps politely)

And the MOVIE begins. Dear God. It begins.

SETH ROGEN

Oh, man, I just can't figure this movie out. Sometimes it's just too poorly written. Sometimes it's flat-out misdirected. Other times it's just THE MOST HILARIOUS FUCKING THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

AUDIENCE

(echoing mockingly in JIMMY's mind like a chorus of the damned heralding his soul's descent into the lake of hellfire)

HA HA HA

His DREAMS OF DRAMATIC CREDIBILITY shattering, JIMMY runs out of the CINEMA, DAVE in tow.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

(sobbing)

Why? Why is this happening to me? It's over. James Dean, forgive me.

DAVE FRANCO

Come on, Jimmy! Listen to them! They may not love the movie on your terms, but they love it!

JIMMY FRANCEAU

(realizes)

Is it a comedy? My God, Dave, is it a comedy?

DAVE FRANCO

...Yes. It's a comedy. Yes, it's a comedy!

With his REPUTATION ascending to a HIGHER PLANE, JIMMY re-enters the CINEMA.

JIMMY FRANCEAU

I did not write this as a drama. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not write this as a drama. I did not... Oh hai, stardom!

AUDIENCE

(cheers uproariously)

Thus the CROWDS pour in, the PROFIT turns, the PLASTIC SPOONS and FOOTBALLS soar, and an inscrutable, greasy-haired, double-belted, deeply unsettling LEGEND is born.

END

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Ashland Robinson.

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