"Um, Larry, you do know there's already a hole, right?"


"Um, Larry, you do know there's already a hole, right?"

THE COLONY

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

The camera pans over a VAST, BLEAK, FROZEN, DESOLATE WASTELAND while audience members from EDMONTON wonder when the SCI-FI stuff will start.

INT. CHEAPLY-RENTED INDUSTRIAL-LOOKING STATION

KEVIN ZEGERS

Life sucks since Earth got so very, very cold. The snow never stops, which should mean it isn’t actually all THAT cold, but we’re pretending it is. Most of civilization was destroyed, and apparently the studios that make post-1980s special effects were the first to go. All we have left are a handful of colonies, like this one.

LAURENCE "WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN HERE" FISHBURNE

(checking plot monitor)

Uh-oh, another station just got attacked by Reavers from the Firefly universe, led by the main vampire from 30 Days of Night. And I’m not just making snarky comparisons, that is LITERALLY what happened, because this movie had a design budget of four dollars.

KEVIN ZEGERS

I guess we’ll have to go out there and inevitably lead the bad guys back to our station, where I can defeat the head vampire twice my size on the principle that dreamy teenagers are invincible.

LAURENCE "I WAS IN MAN OF STEEL YOU KNOW" FISHBURNE

Okay! I’ll make sure to bring the fully functional radio so we can ignore a means of warning everyone. We'll leave Bill Paxton behind though, since he’s been blatantly waiting to seize control of the colony from me at the first opportunity, like the evil psycho he is.

BILL PAXTON

Fuck’s sake Laurence, we’ve established that a single flu virus could wipe us out. But you want to quarantine people AFTER they show tons of symptoms and infect everyone, and that makes ME the nutcase?

CHARLOTTE SULLIVAN

Y’know, I was going to mention that I found a patch of warm land on the satellite radar, but on second thought I think this entire narrative should just freeze to death forever.

(freezes)

EVERYONE ELSE

Suits us.

(freezes)

BAND OF REAVERS LED BY HEAD VAMP FROM 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

It's for the best.

(freezes)

Suddenly KEVIN WAKES UP!

KEVIN ZEGERS

Wait, it was all a dream! The Earth ISN’T dying of cold… it’s dying of HEAT!! WOHHHHHHH

(melts)

ROD SERLING

(entering frame)

Of course, this scene didn’t actually happen, because then we might actually approach the level of a third-rate Twilight Zone episode. Seriously though, why are you settling for this garbage? I mean, shit, I’m on Netflix now and everything.

(explodes)

END

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