"I said SMELL MY FINGER!"


"I said SMELL MY FINGER!"

THE COLLECTION

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK ALLEY, NIGHT

EMMA FITZPATRICK, JOHANNA BRADDY, and MICHAEL NARDELLI arrive in front of an UNMARKED DOOR.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

This is a club? It’s in a basement and we’re in one of the many parts of Detroit where no one can hear you scream. I’m certain that I’ll be raped and murdered in there.

MICHAEL NARDELLI

I'm also afraid of being rape-murdered. Where’d you hear about this place?

JOHANNA BRADDY

I saw an ad in a sex shop that sells snuff films-

A PIERCED FREAK SHOW opens the door.

PIERCED FREAK SHOW

(stares maliciously)

(wears t-shirt that says “Run, Dipshit!”)

They find a RAVE inside and RAVE IT UP, as one does at a RAVE.

MICHAEL NARDELLI

Woo! Occasional flashes of bare titties!

EMMA sees her BOYFRIEND kissing ANOTHER WOMAN.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

(tears up)

Wherever will I find another vacuous douche?

(looks around)

Oh, right...

She RUNS AWAY into a SMALL ROOM and finds a LARGE RED BOX. It starts SHAKING and emits MOANS OF PAIN.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

Sounds like someone’s trapped inside... but chances are equally good that it’s full of puppies!

(opens latch)

JOSH STEWART lunges out and TACKLES HER.

JOSH STEWART

(screams)

LONG STORY SHORT I BURGLARIZED A HOUSE THAT HAD A SERIAL KILLER INSIDE AND I SAVED THE FAMILY’S DAUGHTER BUT THE REST DIED BUT HE TOOK ME BECAUSE HE ALWAYS TAKES ONE BECAUSE HE’S A COLLECTOR AND HE LOVES BOOBYTRAPS AND YOU JUST TRIGGERED ONE! ARE WE ALL CAUGHT UP NOW?!

EMMA FITZPATRICK

(screams and runs)

JOSH STEWART

Come back! Fuckin’ recaps...

EMMA returns to the DANCE FLOOR and finds that EVERYONE, including MICHAEL, has been CHOPPED TO BITS by a COMBINE BLADE.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

Talk about escalation, this dude went from Bundy to Stalin! Classic BS character transformation...

JOHANNA BRADDY

Help! I’m trapped in an elevator shaft and am slowly being-

(squished)

A MAN IN A BLACK MASK stands on top of the ELEVATOR.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

You bastard! You blended Michael and juiced Johanna!

(beat)

Did you plan this while making a fruit smoothie?

She RUNS and FRUIT SMOOTHIE follows.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

(sees JOSH)

Help me! Forget that I didn’t help you a minute ago and the same situation got you captured in the first place!

JOSH STEWART

Fool me once, shame on- fuck this!

(dives out window)

INT. HOSPITAL

JOSH receives EMERGENCY CARE and a CAST for his BROKEN FOREARM. His WIFE, NAVI RAWAT enters.

JOSH STEWART

It's you! The same woman I’ve been married to since the last movie! How are you, wife that I’ve definitely met before?

(beat)

You’ve got five minutes 'cuz that’s how much of a fuck the writers give about my backstory.

NAVI RAWAT

Remember how you robbed that house in the first movie so you could pay my loan shark and keep our daughter safe? And also how you never got me the money so we’re probably still in danger?

JOSH STEWART

... No?

NAVI RAWAT

Great! Let’s never address that again.

(grabs flowers)

Someone sent these.

JOSH STEWART

(reads card)

“I didn’t appreciate being called ‘Dog Shit Face’ in the first script and I’m not liking ‘Fruit Smoothie’ any better. Just because I sent another man roses doesn’t make me a fruit- okay, I see it now.”

(checks watch)

Times up! Get out before everyone wonders why our daughter isn’t here!

SHE DOES. LEE TERGESEN enters.

LEE TERGESEN

I work for a former Pro Golfer whose daughter’s missing.

(shows picture)

Have you seen this girl?

JOSH STEWART

The Masked Beatnik took her. He’s the world’s most dangerous man in a turtleneck!

LEE TERGESEN

My boss eats pieces of shit like him for breakfast... We’ve assembled a rescue team and need you to find his hideout.

JOSH STEWART

(turns up morphine drip)

Fuck it. I'll lead you there but I'm not going inside! Deal?

LEE TERGESEN

Deal!

(crosses fingers and makes no attempt to hide it)

EXT. ABANDONED HOTEL, NIGHT

JOSH figures out the location of FRUITY’S LAIR by tracing CUTS on his FOREARM and COUNTING to- whatever, A WIZARD DID IT. LEE'S TEAM approaches the door.

LEE TERGESEN

Obviously, we’re forcing you inside.

(gives lockpick to JOSH)

To add insult to injury, we’re gonna make you pick this lock one-handed even though we’re all skilled at infiltration.

JOSH STEWART

Feels more like penetration... At least give me a weapon!

LEE gives him a PLASTIC SPORK and SHOVES HIM INSIDE.

BRANDON MOLALE

(is a brick shithouse)

Ladies first! Hehe, sissy little torture victim... I'm gonna stay back and guard the door!

The TEAM enters and leaves him behind.

BRANDON MOLALE

(immediately killed)

(like a total bitch)

(it's hard to watch)

(and harder to believe)

(seriously, the guy’s huge)

The TEAM enters a room that’s BLANKETED with SYRINGES.

ZOMBIE CRACKHEAD

(charges)

MORE MEAT FOR ME!

LEE shoots him in the HEAD.

SHANNON KANE

(examines body)

This guy’s cooked out of his skull! We’re talking Charlie Sheen levels of delirium!

LEE TERGESEN

(picks up syringe)

There’s enough drugs here to turn anyone into a Charlie Sheen...

DOZENS more CHARLIES charge into the room.

CHARLIE 1

TIGER BLOOD! ADONIS DNA!

CHARLIE 2

DUH, WINNING!

They ESCAPE into another ROOM.

TIM GRIFFIN

(shoves JOSH)

We’re fucked! Game over, man! Game over!

(triggers booby trap)

(turned into shish kabob)

ANDRE ROYO pistol whips JOSH, who FALLS on his BACK.

ANDRE ROYO

Why’d you bring us here?! And don’t say it’s because we forced you!

JOSH STEWART

(points at ceiling)

ANDRE ROYO

What, you expect me to look?! That’s the oldest trick in the-

A GIANT HOOK slices into ANDRE’S JAWBONE and FRUIT SMOOTHIE rappels into the room, using his BODY as a COUNTERBALANCE.

FRUIT SMOOTHIE

HEEEEEERE’S FRUITY!

FRUIT SMOOTHIE knees JOSH in the face, disarms LEE, throws a GRAPPLING HOOK around SHANNON’S LEG, attaches the other end to a RAIL SYSTEM ON THE CEILING, PUSHES HER down the HALLWAY, RAPPELS back out of the room, and THIS ALL HAPPENS EXACTLY THAT FAST.

SHANNON KANE

(screams and disappears)

ANDRE ROYO

(dies from being fatally not white)

Only JOSH and LEE remain.

LEE TERGESEN

(breathes heavily)

ARE WE FIGHTING FUCKING BATMAN?!

ERIN WAY enters the room, covered in SLOPPY MAKEUP and looking like a BARBIE DOLL that’s been MICROWAVED.

LEE TERGESEN

OHMYFUCKINGOD IT’S HARLEY QUINN!

(points gun)

ERIN WAY

(meekly)

I know where Emma is...

INT. ERIN’S ROOM

JOSH, LEE, and ERIN find EMMA and SHANNON.

LEE TERGESEN

(hugs EMMA)

How’d you find Shannon?

EMMA FITZPATRICK

I found her screaming in a net full of razor blades at the end of a hallway of exploding mannequins - whatever, she’ll be dead soon anyway.

SHANNON KANE

Wait, wha-?

JOSH STEWART

(finds hole in wall)

Lee, give me your gun!

(shoots hobo on street)

LEE TERGESEN

What will that accomplish? We’re in the middle of nowhere, Detroit-

JOSH STEWART

Great, the paramedics are here!

LEE TERGESEN

Is this in real time?! I’m sure dead hobos aren’t at the top of this city’s priorities list...

JOSH STEWART

(shoots at ambulance)

Now the cops will come investigate! We just have to wait for Shannon to die and then we’re free...

SHANNON KANE

There it is again! What the hell?

ERIN WAY

He likes me you know... He calls me his “Little Robin.”

(screams)

THEY’RE IN HERE! APPARENTLY I CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN A GUNSHOT!

(triggers booby trap)

(killed by Iron Maiden)

(not the band)

FRUIT SMOOTHIE kicks in the door, releases TWO GERMAN SHEPHERDS, and STARTS SHOOTING.

JOSH STEWART

(kills dogs with spork)

FRUITY grabs EMMA and LEAVES.

SHANNON KANE

Why didn’t he just kill us? That guy’s a fuckin’ procrastinator...

LEE TERGESEN

(has spike through foot)

You two go on without me. If I move, it will trigger another booby trap that will probably kill Shannon...

SHANNON KANE

What the f-?

INT. ROOM THAT PROBABLY HAS NO BOOBY TRAPS IN IT... YEAH...

JOSH and SHANNON run in and find EMMA strapped to a MATTRESS with TAPE over her MOUTH.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

(muffled shouts)

They CUT HER LOOSE and a CAGE falls from the ceiling and TRAPS THEM.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

(pulls tape off mouth)

I said, “It’s a trap,” dipshit! Shannon, I understand - she’s dead meat - but you, Josh? I’m disappointed!

FRUIT SMOOTHIE enters the room.

JOSH STEWART

(slams against bars)

You fuckin’ pussy! Let me out of here and I’ll shove that mask up your ass!

(beat)

You look a lot more formidable than last time... Did you get taller? You’re looking built; what’s your program?

FRUIT SMOOTHIE

Do I look like an idiot? I’m not giving you a chance to escape!

(lights fuse)

Welp... Too-da-loo!

(leaves without killing them)

INT. HALLWAY

JOSH, EMMA, and SHANNON run towards the door as the building ERUPTS IN FLAMES around them. The FIRE DEPARTMENT and SWAT TEAM are OUTSIDE, attempting to open the door. JOSH cradles his ARM.

EMMA FITZPATRICK

Ugh, I can’t believe you made me re-break your forearm to get out of that cage! Watching your rubbery arm slip through the bars was the grossest thing I’ve seen today...

SHANNON KANE

Can I just point out that we’re almost free and I’m in perfect health-?

(knifed in the back)

You guys are dicks...

(dies)

FRUITY pulls his KNIFE out of SHANNON’S CORPSE and BEATS THE SHIT out of EMMA and JOSH. All seems lost until LEE appears.

LEE TERGESEN

(pulls second knife out of SHANNON’s corpse)

KNIFE to see you again! I escaped your trap by-

(stabbed to death)

JOSH tackles FRUITY and starts BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF HIM WITH ONE HAND.

JOSH STEWART

(stops)

... I’m winning?!

JOSH grabs FRUITY and throws him down a LAUNDRY SHOOT onto a PILE OF FLAMING CORPSES SOAKED IN GASOLINE.

CHRIS TUCKER

(magically appears)

WOOOO! You know he dead!

EMMA puts out the fire by breaking open a tank full of HIGHLY FLAMMABLE FORMALDEHYDE and they run out the FRONT DOOR.

EXT. BURNING HOTEL, NIGHT

EMMA reunites with her father, CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD.

JOSH STEWART

Oh! Now that reference makes sense...

JOSH finds a SINGED BLACK MASK on the GROUND.

JOSH STEWART

That fucker’s gonna pay...

(eats some hay)

(makes things out of clay)

(lays by the bay)

INT. QUAINT COTTAGE, DAY

A MAN enters, wearing a CANADIAN TUXEDO. His FACE is NOT SHOWN. He finds a LARGE RED BOX in the living room.

JOSH STEWART

(cocks revolver)

It turns out that framing your entomology degree and keeping it in your murder house was pretty stupid.

DENIM DAN/FRUIT SMOOTHIE

Are you going to kill me?

JOSH STEWART

Here’s the way I’ll do it. Step 1: Open the box. Step 2: Stuff your ass in that box. Step 3: Shut the box-

FRUITY attacks but JOSH knocks him INTO THE BOX.

JOSH STEWART

(slams door)

YOU’RE A DICK

(slams door again)

IN

(slams shut)

A BOX!

END

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