"Hold still, my nose itches."


"Hold still, my nose itches."

THE BAD BATCH

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN OR AROUND TEXAS OR MAYBE MEXICO - THE FUTURE OR WHATEVER, DAY

SUKI WATERHOUSE gets dropped off in the desert behind an electric fence with nothing but a jug of water and the SHORTEST SHORTS money could buy.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

(adjusts camel toe)

She silently WANDERS around the desert while the camera zooms in on her LEGS and ASS as much as possible. She is immediately KIDNAPPED by a clan of BODYBUILDER CANNIBALS, led by SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

(is shirtless)

The cannibals CUT OFF SUKI’s RIGHT ARM and RIGHT LEG and EAT them. She kills one of her captors, escapes, and gets saved by a FILTHY HERMIT but it’s less interesting than it sounds because NOBODY SAYS A FUCKING WORD for the first 20 MINUTES.

BODYBUILDER CANNIBALS

(never seen again)

EXT. DYSTOPIAN TOWN THAT HAS ELECTRICITY AND RUNNING WATER AND PLENTY OF FOOD AND IS EXACTLY LIKE A MODERN BORDER TOWN, AKA “COMFORT” – FIVE MONTHS LATER, DAY

GIOVANNI RIBISI meanders down the street, wearing HULK-SIZED CLOTHING and a JEAN VALJEAN HAIRCUT.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

(rambling)

Don’t forget to ask one thing... You can’t forget to ask... Don’t forget to ask the director: What is the point of my character?

(screams)

WHY AM I EVEN IN THIS?!

(drifts away and has no effect on the plot)

SUKI now has her own HOUSE, a PROSTHETIC LEG, a REVOLVER, and some brand new SHORT SHORTS. She WANDERS out of town to shoot at birds but comes across SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA’S wife, YOLONDA ROSS, and ALOOF daughter, JAYDA FINK, rooting through garbage.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

(points revolver)

Let me get this straight: Y’all are ridin’ around this dangerous wasteland in the same golf cart you use to hunt people, you’re unarmed, and your only back-up is a 7-year-old girl?

YOLONDA ROSS

When you say it like THAT, it sounds pretty stupid...

(shot in the head)

JAYDA FINK

(no reaction)

(like... at all)

SUKI WANDERS back to town and JAYDA follows her. SUKI buys her a RABBIT and takes her to a RAVE.

EXT. REALLY LAME RAVE, NIGHT

A bunch of RAVE EXTRAS dance around LAZILY, as though dosed with LITHIUM. It’s unclear if this is intentional or if they are just as BORED as the AUDIENCE.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Listen, little girl, you can stay with me as long as you answer one question: If we’ve established that there are birds and rabbits and plenty of food in town, why the fuck did your family resort to cannibalism?

JAYDA FINK

(drops rabbit and runs after it)

KEANU REEVES enters the scene and the RAVE EXTRAS cheer their asses off.

RAVE EXTRA 1

That’s the best Pablo Escobar costume I’ve ever seen! The double chin is spot-on!

RAVE EXTRA 2

I love you, The Dream! I want The Dream inside me!!! “Single Ladies” was my jam! Screw Taylor Swift!

KEANU steps up to the stage and a hush falls over the crowd.

KEANU REEVES

(to AUDIENCE)

I know you’re curious about our origin story. You’re asking: What are these people? What does ‘The Bad Batch’ mean? Are they clones or something? Do they have some other interesting, sci fi-related flaw that explains the wider world and frames the story?

(dramatic pause)

NOPE! We’re just bad. We’re not good. We’re bad. We’re a Bad Batch. Not a Good Batch. A bad one. Wake up and live The Dream. Here’s some free drugs!!!

SUKI takes some DRUGS and decides to WANDER out of town YET AGAIN. She WANDERS around while looking at the STARS and mumbling NONSENSE to herself. She WANDERS and WANDERS and just when you think she’s done WANDERING, she WANDERS some more!

SUKI WATERHOUSE

(wanders into SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA)

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

(silently stares at her as though he is going to kiss her but never does it)

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND, DAY

SUKI wakes up to find SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA standing over her, holding her PROSTHETIC LEG and a PAD OF PAPER.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

(supposedly Cuban accent)

‘Ey, meng, ju seen dis girl?

(points at drawing of JAYDA on pad)

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Holy hell, no wonder you haven’t said a word for half the movie. Who's your accent coach, Speedy Gonzalez?

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

Answer de question, meng! Ju ain’t goin’ nowhere without dis leg. Ándale! Ándale! Arriba!!!

(does Mexican hat dance)

SUKI WATERHOUSE

You should stick to Dothraki... Anyway, um... no, I haven’t seen that little girl or her murdered mom, I swear!

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

Well den ju gonna take me to Comfort and find de girl or I kill ju, ju fuckin’ cock-a-roach!

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Ok, but you have to promise to take every opportunity to stare at me while holding your face uncomfortably close to mine to create forced sexual tension.

HE DOES SO. During their journey back to town, he KILLS someone with a MEAT CLEAVER but manages to make it BORING.

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND, NIGHT

SUKI and JASON (still shirtless) sit by a fire and discuss why they were sent to live in the Bad Batch Containment Area or whatever the fuck it’s called. SUKI distracts him with her TITTY TATTOO and steals his KNIFE.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

I fuckin’ hate you! It’s bad enough that you stole my limbs, but your ultra-high-waist pants and love of the song “Karma Chameleon” are too much to handle. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you.

JASON turns the SMOLDER up to ELEVEN and gives her his best SILENT STARE yet. Just as SUKI starts to be hypnotized by his dynamite AREOLAS, JASON gets SHOT in the CHEST by some RANDOM DUDE.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

(screams in pain... silently)

RANDOM DUDE

I'm saving you. I could tell he’s a cannibal somehow. Stop staring at him and let’s go!

SUKI WATERHOUSE

(stares a little more and then leaves)

SUKI goes back to Comfort and sees JAYDA walking with some of KEANU’S PREGNANT GROUPIES and decides to rescue her because WHO THE HELL KNOWS.

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND, THE NEXT DAY

The same FILTHY HERMIT that saved SUKI in the beginning also decides to save JASON from MASSIVE BLOOD LOSS and INFECTION by feeding him some ROASTED CROW.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

Thanks, meng. I feel much bet-

(breaks character)

HOLY SHIT! Are you JIM CARREY?!

FILTHY HERMIT/JIM CARREY

(uses mime to answer “yes”)

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

I thought you were unrecognizable as the Grinch but this is... Wow.

(pause)

So, things haven’t been going well for you since “Dumb and Dumber To” came out?

JIM hands him a SNOW GLOBE and walks away, which I guess is Hermit for “Fuck you.”

INT. KEANU’S OUTRAGEOUSLY DARK MANSION, DAY

SUKI rings the doorbell and a PREGNANT GROUPIE looks at her through the security monitor.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Will you let me inside? I’m an amputee. See?

(shows nub)

PREGNANT GROUPIE

Good enough for me.

(buzzes her in)

KEANU takes a break from teaching PRE-NATAL WATER AEROBICS IN THE DARK to talk to SUKI.

KEANU REEVES

(dries off)

When you take a shit here in Comfort, it goes away, right?

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Uh, yeah... So, the reason I’m here is-

KEANU REEVES

Cows stand in shit ‘cuz they’re cows. Pigs stand in shit ‘cuz their pigs. You see that tomato plant?

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Whoa, non-sequitur. What are we-?

KEANU REEVES

It used to be a seed but I fed it and now it feeds me. And that’s the Dream. The Dream is Life. We don’t stand in shit. We stand in Dreams. I take the shit from your little asses and turn it into Dreams and the Dreams give us Life. Shit is Life. Life is Dreams. Shitty shitty Dream Life Lifey Dream shit...

(trails off)

SUKI WATERHOUSE

Your astounding ability to sound like a politician on peyote is really turning me on. Can I stay here and be one of your prego-groupies?

KEANU has PREGNANT ALINA ALILUYKINA escort SUKI to a room to prepare herself for his Wet Dream. Once she's alone, SUKI reveals that she hid a GUN in her PROSTHETIC LEG. She takes ALINA as a HOSTAGE and goes downstairs.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

(holding gun to ALINA’S head)

Bring me the little girl!

KEANU REEVES

Suki, don’t give up on The Dr-

SUKI WATERHOUSE

I swear to God, if you say, “dream,” “life,” or “shit” one more time, I will blow this bitch’s brains out!

JAYDA comes downstairs holding her RABBIT and gets into a golf cart with SUKI. They escape without having to listen to any more REPETITIVE MONOLOGUES.

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND, DAY

SUKI exits the town and finds JASON RIGHT OUTSIDE the gate.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

Suki, ju got some ‘splainin’ to do!

(hugs daughter in Spanish)

SUKI WATERHOUSE

You mutilated me and I killed your wife. We have no chemistry and absolutely no reason to like each other but I can’t deny that you have a hot bod, so...

(actual line)

You wanna hang out?

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

What ju tink dis is, gringa, a romantic comedy?

SUKI WATERHOUSE

I have no idea what genre this is supposed to be. And Cubans don’t say “gringa”...

JAYDA FINK

Daddy, I’m hungry! The nice man gave me spaghetti!

JASON responds by KILLING HER PET RABBIT and roasting it over a fire. He makes her EAT IT while she CRIES.

SHIRTLESS JASON MOMOA

And thus, I have completed my character arc. I used to be a cannibal but now I’m just a psychologically abusive father that eats my daughter’s pets... meng.

SUKI WATERHOUSE

And I went from having no character development to being... uh...

SUKI and JASON go back to staring at each other over the fire while 80’s music plays.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

(runs past screaming)

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(fades out)

END

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