"Look, it's better than flying United, okay?"


"Look, it's better than flying United, okay?"

THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CGI ISLAND

CUE: FRANTIC ORCHESTRAL PIECE

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS runs through the jungle. But along the way he runs into SHENANIGANS!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

(falls off cliff)

AAAAAAAAAH!!!

(bounces off of tree)

AAAAAAAAAH!!!

(attacked by snake)

AAAAAAAAAH!!!

(falls into river)

Hey, if anyone sees Scrat from "Ice Age", ask him if he needs an understudy.

CGI BIRD

Where have you been? You're one minute late to my son's birthday party! Unacceptable! UNACCEPTABLE!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Geez buddy, why would anyone be this hostile?

CGI BIRD

(foams at the mouth)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I thought MY character arc was that I needed to calm down.

CGI BIRD

You're the worst party clown we've ever had! I'm not paying!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Well in that case I'm going to snap and go UTTERLY CRAZY!

CGI BIRD

You're not saying you'll...

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

That's right, I'm going to perform a frantic monologue of bird puns!

CGI BIRD

Wait! Don't do it!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

This movie is "flocking" awful!

CGI BIRD

Aargh! My ears!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Films like this are for the birds!

CGI BIRD

No! Stop!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I'm running out of puns; I might have to "wing it".

CGI BIRD

YOU DIE NOW!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS tries to leave CGI BIRD'S HOUSE but ends up crushing his EGG.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Oh thank God, the baby bird inside is alright. What an amusing spectacle!

(laughs)

Ah, but in all seriousness, I nearly killed your unborn child.

EXT. CGI ISLAND - BIRD COURT

CUE: FRANTIC ORCHESTRAL PIECE

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS is being held on trial by CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Jason, you're being charged with ruining that chick's hatching party, but not nearly crushing him or physically assaulting his father. How do you plead?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I'd like to call my attorney, Harvey "Bird"-man.

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

AARGH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TURN EVERYTHING INTO A FUCKING PUN! I mean, why do you have to be so aggressive? Bird society is built on suppressing anger!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Is it really? Because everyone I've met has been a dick to me so far. Even small children.

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

You need to solve your crippling anger management problem. Or maybe we need to solve our emotional repression. This movie can't decide.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

A good movie wouldn't have to, it would be able to balance both messages.

(beat)

Maybe if it were directed by David "Finch"-er?

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Fuck. You.

(bangs gavel)

I'm sentencing you to the gravest punishment our society has; anger management!

(beat)

No really, that's our gravest punishment. I'm not sure what we would have done if you'd actually killed that baby.

INT. CGI ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

Okay class, why don't we all introduce ourselves?

CGI JOSH GAD

ITALKLOUDANDVERYVERYFAST!!!ITAKEJASON'SMONLOGUESANDSPEEDTHEMUPANDTAKEOUTALLTHEJOKES!!!

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

Do you remember Quicksilver from the X-Men movies? Imagine him being written by Happy Madison. Josh is basically that.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

I have a tendency to explode. Literally explode. For no rhyme or reason.

CGI SEAN PENN

Grrr.

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

Sean Penn doesn't speak. He does allow us to put "Sean Penn" in the top billing despite him doing nothing more than just growl.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

None of these really seem like anger management problems.

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

HOW DARE YOU! "ANGRY" IS THE ONLY CHARACTER TRAIT WE WILL EVER FOUCS ON!

(violently assaults Jason)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Ow! You seem wildly unqualified to teach an anger management class!

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

I know you're upset Jason. But the movie really only has two themes; "Angry" and "Birds". And we shall milk those themes as hard as we can.

CUE: FRANTIC ORCHESTRAL PIECE

CGI JOSH GAD

THEREITISAGAIN! IT'STHATMUSIC! WHYDOESITKEEPPOPPINGUP?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Oh, we just put that in when we have a heavy "slapstick" scene. Instead of comedy, it conditions the audience into expecting an action scene. They usually get neither.

CGI JOSH GAD

OHWOWTHATSEEMSREALLYDISTRACTING!HEYYOUGUYSWANNACOMEOVERTOMYPLACEAND Okay that's getting really annoying. Let's pretend I speak normally for the rest of the movie.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

Say Jason, you wanna hang out with us after class?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Nah, I'd rather make some lame excuses. And by that I mean launch into one of my trademark monologues where I talk really fast so no one realizes it's not funny.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

This is just more evidence that you have an anger problem! Who wouldn't want to hang out with Josh Gad and a serial bomber?

EXT. CGI ISLAND - LATER

A mysterious SHIP arrives, crushing CGI JASON'S HOUSE!

CGI BILL HADER

Behold! I am the king of the CGI Pigs! And I am here to spread peace and-

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Hey, what about my house?

CGI BILL HADER

Your house? I know nothing about your house. We had nothing to do with its destruction!

(whistles)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Oh come on, the ENTIRE ISLAND was on the beach staring at your ship as it ploughed into my home! Are we all going to pretend we didn't see that?

CGI BILL HADER

Come now, I'm trying to win over your populace. How would mollifying the sole voice of dissent and using the construction crews I brought to help you achieve that?

The CGI PIGS put on a SHOW!

CGI BILL HADER

Ladies and gentlemen! We have come here to share with you our wondrous inventions! Such as, er, trampolines, and...giant slingshots?

(scratches head)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Boo! Show us something good!

CGI BILL HADER

Alright. We also brought a shitload of pig-related puns!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Yeah! Wait! No!

CGI BILL HADER

Next week we'll put on a performance of "Ham"-let.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I'm sorry! Stop it!

CGI BILL HADER

Followed by the hip-hop musical "Ham"-ilton!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I take it back! I take it all back! Just don't do anymore!

CGI BILL HADER

I'm putting a photo on Insta-"Ham".

(that's an actual joke in this fucking movie I swear to God)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

AAAAARGHHH!!

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Yeah, it sucks when someone else makes awful puns at you doesn't it?

EXT. CGI ISLAND - THROUGHOUT NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS

CGI BIRDS

Hooray for the piggies!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I hate the piggies! Don't trust them!

Repeat these two lines a hundred times and that's HALF THE MOVIE abridged right there.

EXT. CGI ISLAND - THE NEXT WEEK

CGI JOSH GAD

We're more than halfway through the movie and no one has tried to sell us a half-assed "Farmville" ripoff. This is not a very faithful "Angry Birds" adaptation, I'm just saying.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

We have to do something! We must consult our greatest hero, Peter Dinklage!

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

What's he doing in this movie?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I think he wanted to see if he could star in a videogame movie worse than "Pixels".

CGI JOSH GAD

Oh, I know that feeling.

The ANGRY BIRDS hike to CGI PETER DINKLAGE'S HOME.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Peter! The Piggies are overtaxing our tourist industry! And a week ago we didn't even HAVE a tourist industry!

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

(urinates into a lake for thirty solid seconds)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Please, the Piggies are acting really nice and friendly and since I'm an overbearing prick I hate them!

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

(dances to "Wild Thang")

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Guys, help me out here.

CGI JOSH GAD

Sorry Jason, I'm too busy fantasizing about Peter's buttocks.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

Between that and the earlier joke that the pigs are into rape fantasies this may be the most uncomfortably sexualized children's movie I've ever seen.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Goodbye Peter. You may have shattered my hope and faith now, but I know that you'll miraculously reappear to save us just as things look bleakest.

The ANGRY BIRDS return home to see the CGI PIGS blow half the town to smithereens and steal all the FERTILIZED EGGS.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

...or maybe you'll just do jack shit.

EXT. CGI ISLAND - DAY AFTER

The CGI BIRDS explore the ruins of their BOMBED-OUT HOME.

CGI BIRD

Our town...Our homes! It's all gone!

SECOND CGI BIRD

(sinking to her knees)

Our children! For the love of God, why did they take our children!?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

(weirded out)

Are we trying to wring actual pathos out of this? That might have worked better if the past ninety minutes weren't animal puns.

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

We are so sorry we doubted your virulent xenophobia, Jason! Please teach us how to be angry like you!

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

See, here a better children's movie could have explored how anger is a multi-faceted emotion and not always a bad thing. We come so close to doing something profound for a minute that it's actually agonising.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Alright. I'll teach you anger. But it won't be easy!

TEN SECONDS LATER...

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

We're done! Let's get our revenge!

CGI JOSH GAD

But how? We mentioned that we've never been on a boat before and oh look we've suddenly built a ship.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

And now we're sailing to Piggy Island despite thinking that our island was the ENTIRE PLANET not too long ago.

EXT. PIGGY ISLAND

The now ANGRY BIRDS crouch outside the PIGS' CAPITAL CITY.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

So how'd you wanna raid the royal palace? Full-on assault? Cover of darkness? Put on some disguises? Maybe go through the sewers?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

I think we should load ourselves onto a giant slingshot and fling ourselves to the castle.

CGI DANNY MCBIRDE

...

CGI JOSH GAD

This is going to look so surreal to anyone watching this ten years from now when the "Angry Birds" game has faded from memory.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Look, we've bastardized every aspect of this movie so we could have this scene. We hamstrung our characters, our story, our central theme, our worldbuilding, just so we could recreate a mobile game where a bird gets shot out of a slingshot at a group of pigs. If we chicken out now all those bird puns will be POINTLESS.

CGI JOSH GAD

I agree. Let's Pearl Harbor these motherfuckers!

The ANGRY BIRDS launch one of their own at the CITY.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

No, too far to the right!

They launch another BIRD!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Okay, just a little more to right!

They launch another BIRD!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

No, it fell too short.

They launch another BIRD!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Try aiming for the bottom of the towers.

They launch another BIRD!

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

MY GOD THIS IS BORING. Did no one realise how unpopular "Angry Birds" Let's Plays are?

CGI JOSH GAD

I say fuck it, let's just get inside the castle and improvise from there.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

We wasted the entire movie trying to justify this scene, and you want to abandon it after a few minutes?

CGI JOSH GAD

Yeah.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Okay. Let's go.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

Say I wonder what Peter Dinklage is doing?

INT. CGI PETER DINKLAGE'S CAVE

CGI PETER DINKLAGE puts on a record of...wait for it...Rick Astley's "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP"

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

Lots of movies are annoying, but it takes a special kind of evil to LITERALLY rickroll your audience.

INT. PIGGY CASTLE

The ANGRY BIRDS try to find the EGGS.

CGI JOSH GAD

Uh oh. Bill Hader has sent his forces after us.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Who cares? We're invincible! We've been smashing through skyscrapers with our FACES!

CGI JOSH GAD

Yes, but we're unarmed aside from Danny's ability to produce building-destroying explosions and my ability to outrun any projectile that- Yeah, okay we are invincible.

They find the EGG ROOM.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

But how to get inside?

CGI JOSH GAD

Remember when we said I was a ripoff of Quicksilver from the "X-Men" movies?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Yeah?

CGI JOSH GAD

We weren't kidding. I'm about to ripoff the "Time in a bottle" scene from "Days of Future Past" so hard you'll think I'm Evan Peters.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

But the cinema next to us is already ripping off that scene with "X-Men: Apocalypse".

CGI JOSH GAD

Too late! Did it while you were blinking.

(takes off silver wig, Walkman)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS confronts CGI BILL HADER.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

It's over Bill! Give back those eggs!

CGI BILL HADER

Over is it? But first you'll have to endure the wrath of my awful puns!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

You can't out-pun me, you're far too..."hammy"

CGI BILL HADER

Well, you're far too "chicken".

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

You should've been voiced by Kevin "Bacon"!

CGI BILL HADER

Well you should have been voiced by "Duck Bill" Murray! Get it!? GET IT!? IT'S BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT BIRDS!!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

(huddling into ball)

Alright! You win! I can't take it! Just please, no more puns!

Suddenly, CGI PETER DINKLAGE bursts in and rescues the EGGS from CGI BIL HADER.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Peter! What are you doing here?

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

I only pretended to be a kook so you could have faith in yourselves!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

You let our children get kidnapped so we could believe in ourselves? You deranged fuck!

CGI PETER flies away with the EGGS, CGI JOSH, and CGI DANNY while CGI JASON stays to battle CGI BILL.

CGI JOSH GAD

I can't help but feel that more than one of us should've stayed behind.

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

Oh please. What're you gonna do? Let go of me, fall safely to the ground with your obvious invulnerability, then run back to the castle instantly with your super-speed and defeat Bill in a heartbeat?

CGI JOSH GAD

Yeah, that sounds good actually.

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

Too bad, we need more characters outside for SHENANIGANS!

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

HEY GUYS I CAN SUDDENLY FART EXPLOSIONS! HA HA HA!

MEANWHILE...

CGI BILL HADER

Nothing's gonna save your "bacon", Jason!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Nothing? What about the seventy tons of TNT under your throne room?

CGI BILL HADER

What? Why would I keep that there? That's like storing nuclear warheads under the White House.

GUY FAWKES

(facepalms)

CGI JASON ignites the TNT, completely destroying the CITY!

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Fortunately I survived by hiding in a refrigerator cauldron.

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

Wow. We killed absolutely everyone in that city. Civilians, men, women, children...All gone. All dead.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Yeah! We really cooked their "goose".

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

(stares)

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

...no high five?

CGI KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Jason, by teaching our peaceful bird society how to hate and reducing an entire civilization to rubble, you've truly solved your anger management issues. Congratulations!

END.

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

CGI PETER DINKLAGE puts on another record.

CGI PETER DINKLAGE

How many of the six-year-olds in the audience are disco fans?

END.

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

The CGI PIGS pull themselves out of the wreckage of their home.

CGI BILL HADER

They may have defeated us now, but just wait until our team-up with...the FRUIT NINJAS!

END.

EXT. POST-CREDITS

CGI BIRD

Wait, there's still one more scene-

NO. NO THERE ISN'T. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

END.

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