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The American

THE AMERICAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. GEORGE CLOONEY'S ROMANTIC SWEDISH VILLA

GEORGE CLOONEY has sex with a HOT SWEDISH WOMAN.

Then GEORGE arrives ON SET and has MOVIE SEX with IRINA BJÖRKLUND.

IRINA BJÖRKLUND

Oh George, this is so romantic! I can't wait to move in with you so that we can experience this wonderful committed relationship of ours for years to come!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Uh... look! Swedish Bad guys!

GEORGE kills some SWEDISH BAD GUYS.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Oh no! They've killed Irina! And I was totally looking forward to settling down and raising a family with her. Swear.

IRINA BJÖRKLUND

Um, but George, I'm still alive--

(is shot in the back by GEORGE)

GEORGE CLOONEY

A real tragedy what those assholes did to Irina. Real tragedy.

GEORGE consoles himself by GETTING SHIRTLESS and doing PUSH-UPS.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Move over, Justin. THIS is how you bring sexy back!

EXT. ITALY

GEORGE meets with a SEXY and MYSTERIOUS WOMAN.

Then GEORGE arrives ON SET and films scenes with THEKLA REUTEN.

THEKLA REUTEN

I need you to build a rifle for me that can shoot really far.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Why don't you just buy a rifle on the Black Market?

THEKLA REUTEN

This needs to be a special rifle that won't give away the shooter's position when you fire it.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Why don't you just buy a rifle with a silencer attached?

THEKLA REUTEN

I'll pay you a lot to make it. Do you prefer dollars or euros?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Pussy, mostly.

GEORGE spends a lot of time alone building THE RIFLE out of USED CAR PARTS.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Phew, rifle construction is hard. I need to go unwind.

GEORGE goes to a BROTHEL and screws a PROSTITUTE.

Then GEORGE arrives ON SET and makes out with VIOLANTE PLACIDO who is playing a PROSTITUTE and who is totally NAKED.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Open your chest.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

(pulls open own rib cage to reveal HEART OF GOLD)

GEORGE CLOONEY

Oh yeah. That's what daddy likes.

EXT. ROMANTIC WOODED AREA

GEORGE and THEKLA test out GEORGE'S RIFLE.

GEORGE CLOONEY

So are you some kind of sexy assassin or something? You're dressed like you just stepped out of an issue of Harper's BAZAAR.

THEKLA REUTEN

Let's discuss this further while having a picnic.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Of course. We may be cold blooded killers, but that shouldn't stop us from enjoying a lovely picnic.

INT. ROMANTIC BROTHEL

GEORGE has sex with VIOLANTE and GOES DOWN ON HER, as any true GENTLEMAN would. Then he TAKES HER FROM BEHIND, as any true GENTLEMAN would.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Oh George, this is so romantic! I just had to tell my girlfriend about the sexy rich American who has come to whisk me away from this hell hole!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Did you happen to tell her that I was going to commit to you and that we were going to get married and move in together?

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

No. Why?

GEORGE CLOONEY

(putting away gun)

No reason.

EXT. ITALY

GEORGE is taking a MANLY STROLL through the streets when a SWEDISH ASSASSIN shoots at him!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Fuck! There's no way I can survive this situation without the aid of a scooter!

GEORGE chases the ASSASSIN on a VESPA and shoots at him. The ASSASSIN is killed not by bullets, but by the FUCKING RIDICULOUSNESS of being chased by a VESPA going 300 MPH.

GEORGE meets with his handler JOHAN LEYSEN.

GEORGE CLOONEY

The fuck, Johan? You said I'd be safe here! How'd the mysterious Swedish Bad Guys find me?

JOHAN LEYSEN

(nervous, shifty, sweating profusely)

I have no idea. I'm sure I had nothing to do with it. Nothing at all. Scout's honor.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Even though it is obvious you will eventually screw me over, I'll believe you.

INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT

GEORGE takes VIOLANTE out on a date.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Wait, so is this movie a crime drama or a gritty reboot of Pretty Woman?

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

I'll answer that just as soon as I finally squeeze in some character development.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Or we could just go have sex again instead.

They GO HAVE SEX INSTEAD.

GEORGE snoops through VIOLANTE's things and discovers she has a GUN.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Of course! She must be working for the mysterious Swedish Bad Guys who want to kill me for some mysterious Swedish reason! No wonder she hasn't asked me to commit and marry her! I should have known she was up to something when I performed oral sex on her! Only evil vagina could be so good!

EXT. ROMANTIC WOODED AREA

GEORGE lures VIOLANTE here to KILL HER.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(pulling out gun)

Time to die you treacherous bitch--

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Aaaaand I'm naked again.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(putting away gun)

I guess I can let you live a little while longer.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

This area is so romantic! Let's have a picnic!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Damnit, this assassin knows me too well. If there's one thing I love more than tits, it's picnics.

GEORGE waits for VIOLANTE to try and KILL HIM, but the only thing she manages to kill is his ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hey, not only does Violante not want to kill me, but she actually likes me for me (and not because I'm a rich foreigner with a passport)! Maybe committing to one woman and settling down isn't such a terrible idea after all.

GEORGE'S SUBCONSCIOUS

Don't do it, George! Remember the pact we made: Bros before Hoes!

GEORGE CLOONEY

No way! I'm going to elope with Violante and we're going to be happy forever!

GEORGE'S SUBCONSCIOUS

Monogamy will be the death of you!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Shut up me!

GEORGE calls JOHAN.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I've finished tweaking the rifle. As soon as I deliver it to Thekla I'll get my money and I'm out of the contract killing business! For good!

JOHAN LEYSEN

Okey dokey.

(calls THEKLA)

Kill Clooney!

EXT. ROMANTIC RELIGIOUS GATHERING (BECAUSE ITALY)

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Hey George, think we can squeeze in a quickie before I go back to turning tricks?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Run away with me.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Oh shit. You're about to kill me aren't you?

GEORGE CLOONEY

No, I'm serious. I'm a 49 year old single guy with a butterfly tattoo. I wish to be a bachelor no more.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

But George! I'm not a supermodel! And I'm not young enough to be your daughter! Are you sure?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Yes. You have shown me the light. And by the light I mean your fantastic vagina.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Oh George! Let's run away together!

THEKLA REUTEN

Not so fast Clooney!

(fires rifle)

(rifle blows up in HER FACE)

GEORGE CLOONEY

Ha! I sabotaged the rifle!

THEKLA REUTEN

Or you're just a shitty rifle maker.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Or you're a fucking moron for not testing out the rifle ahead of time.

THEKLA REUTEN

Yeah, good point.

(dies)

GEORGE CLOONEY

Violante, I need you to go wait for me at our romantic picnic spot.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

But how? I don't have a car and the buses don't go out that far--

GEORGE CLOONEY

(ignoring her)

I'll meet up with you as soon as I get in some last minute sight-seeing!

GEORGE wanders around Italy for a few hours until JOHAN, who is 60 FUCKING YEARS OLD mind you, sneaks up on GEORGE and SHOOTS HIM! But GEORGE hands JOHAN his TWO WEEKS NOTICE in the form of BULLETS to THE FACE.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Curses! I am fatally wounded! Something that took me several minutes to realize! I had better drive to the local hospital!

ITALY

Hospitals have been outlawed here.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Well then I'll find a local doctor!

ITALY

Doctors have been outlawed, too.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Then I'll find a store with some gauze and tweezers and pull the bullet out myself!

ITALY

Outlawed. All outlawed. Italians really hate the shit out of proper medical care. Your only option is to drive straight to Violante as you bleed out.

GEORGE CLOONEY

But that's stupid! Wait, this is because I cold bloodedly killed Irina, isn't it?

KARMA

Pretty much.

GEORGE CLOONEY

But why did Johan and those Swedish Bad Guys want me dead in the first place? What the hell did I do?

KARMA

Their wives.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Well that doesn't sound so bad.

KARMA

And their daughters.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Okay that makes sense.

GEORGE dies just as he reaches VIOLANTE. A BUTTERFLY symbolically whisks his soul off to HELL because that's where 49 YEAR OLD BACHELORS go when they die.

And MURDERERS, too. Probably.

END