"We are clearly not watching an Adam Sandler movie."


"We are clearly not watching an Adam Sandler movie."

TED

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BOSTON - 1985

PATRICK STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time in a decade Seth MacFarlane is obsessed with to the point of utter insanity, Young Mark Wahlberg had no friends because he was too stupid to go to a playground or sign up for little league or join a gang or any number of ways kids found friends in the 80s.

YOUNG MARK WAHLBERG

I am so lonely. Would you be my friend, Jewish Kid who is getting his ass kicked?

JEWISH KID WHO IS GETTING HIS ASS KICKED

As you can see I have quite enough friends, thank you very much.

That Christmas, YOUNG MARK's PARENTS give him a STUFFED TEDDY BEAR and YOUNG MARK WISHES he were REAL.

PATRICK STEWART (V.O.)

(actual line)

And if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.

(pause)

You hear that girls? Your wishes are silly and meaningless. Sucks to be you. Boys rule!

The next morning TED comes to LIFE.

YOUNG MARK WAHLBERG

I love you Ted! Let's be best friends forever!

TED

Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.

TED instantly becomes FAMOUS.

But eventually the NOVELTY wears off and nobody GIVES A SHIT about TED anymore.

SETH MCFARLANE should pay EXTRA SPECIAL ATTENTION to this part.

INT. BOSTON - 2012

Adult MARK WAHLBERG and TED grow up to be SLACKERS instead of BANK ROBBERS like everybody else in BOSTON.

TED

Oh my Gawd I am so fackin baked! Let's watch Flash Gordon!

MARK WAHLBERG

Yes! Surely Flash Gordon won't somehow turn out to be a crucial plot point later on!

TED

Surely!

MARK is blessed with a JOB, an APARTMENT, and a MILA KUNIS.

MARK WAHLBERG

Holy shit I was such a loosah when I was a kid but now I got a hawt girlfriend and a talkin teddy beah! My life is awesome!

TED

Sex joke. Drug joke. Sex joke. Pop culture joke. Sex joke. Racist joke. Poop joke. Anti-Semitic joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. I am fackin hilarious!

MILA meets with her GIRLFRIENDS.

ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND

Mila, tell that asshole Mark you're dumpin him if he don't ditch the teddy beah.

MILA KUNIS

But why? I love Mark and Ted is actually kind of adorable. All things considered our relationship is pretty good.

ANOTHER ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND

That's because you suck at dating. If you're not pressuring yah man to change and choosing who his friends ah then you're a shitty girlfriend.

MILA KUNIS

But if I do that he won't be the guy I fell in love with anymore. Maybe I should just keep things the way they are.

EVEN MORE ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND

Bitch are yah stoopid? Ignore your instincts and do what we tell yah.

MILA KUNIS

Okay.

It's MARK and MILA's Four Year Anniversary so they go out on a DATE.

MILA KUNIS

(eating parsnip)

This tastes kinda fishy, yet strangely familiar.

MARK WAHLBERG

Hey, doesn't this remind you of the time we first met?

CUE: AWKWARD FAMILY GUY STYLE CUTAWAY!

YOUNGER AUDIENCE

Wow! That was a funny cutaway!

OLDER AUDIENCE

I know! Such an epic Airplane/Saturday Night Fever reference!

YOUNGER AUDIENCE

What in the fuck is Airplane and Saturday Night Fever?

MILA KUNIS

Mark, I want you to prove you love me by breaking off all contact with your childhood friend.

MARK WAHLBERG

That sounds like a perfectly fair and measured request. Ted, move out.

TED

You pussy whipped motherfacka!

MARK WAHLBERG

Come on, Ted! Didn't you see that movie where she went down on Natalie Pautmin? That was fackin hawt, right?

MILA KUNIS

(still eating parsnip)

Oh, now I remember.

TED moves out. MARK and MILA enjoy their time ALONE.

MILA KUNIS

Thank you for getting rid of your only friend in the world just for me.

MARK WAHLBERG

Don't mention it. Now what part of your life are you going to change or give up to prove that you love me?

MILA KUNIS

Yeah right. Figure out how to reach Little Mark with your mouth and then we'll talk.

MARK secretly hangs out with TED and they are about to get HIGH OFF THEIR ASSES when they are approached by CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI and his PLUS SIZED SON.

CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI

I want to buy your teddy beah.

TED

How about you buy my fuzzy foot up your ass instead.

CREEPY GIOVANNI leaves, CREEPILY.

MARK WAHLBERG

I'm glad he's gone.

TED

Yes. Surely he won't pop up in the third act.

MARK WAHLBERG

Surely.

MARK and MILA have dinner with TED and his WHITE TRASH GIRLFRIEND JESSICA BARTH.

JESSICA BARTH

Mila, you are a stuck up skank biotch and I hate you yah fackin whooah!

MILA KUNIS

Did you just call me a whore?

JESSICA BARTH

Yeah, whooah, that's what I said!

MILA KUNIS

"Whore"

JESSICA BARTH

Whooah!

MILA KUNIS

"WHORE!"

JESSICA BARTH

WHOO-AH!

TED and JESSICA leave and go have STUFFED ANIMAL SEX.

MILA KUNIS

Mark, I'm upset that you're still hanging out with Ted instead of devoting all of your time and attention to me and nothing else.

MARK WAHLBERG

I really enjoyed that Guilt Trip, Mila. I've never flown First Class before.

MILA KUNIS

As punishment you must come with me to my jerk boss Joel McHale's party.

MARK WAHLBERG

You mean the guy who sexually harasses you and constantly tries to fack you?

MILA KUNIS

That's the one.

MARK and MILA go to DOUCHEBAG JOEL MCHALE'S HOUSE where TED calls MARK.

TED

Oh man! Sam J. Jones is at my house RIGHT NOW!

AUDIENCE

???

TED

Flash Gordon, you morons. Flash Gordon is at my house!

MARK WAHLBERG

I will abandon Mila and be right there!

MARK sneaks away to TED'S HOUSE where they meet SAM J. JONES and have a FACKIN GREAT TIME until MILA shows up and RUINS IT.

MILA KUNIS

Mark! You left me! I hate you! We're over!

MARK WAHLBERG

(frowny face)

JOEL IMMEDIATELY hits on MILA.

JOEL MCHALE

I have an expensive house, car, and I'm not Black or Mexican so date me.

MILA KUNIS

I know you're a major asshole who just wants to poke my balloon knot, but on the other hand I am a terrible decision maker so I will go out with you.

JOEL MCHALE

Great. Now if you would just sign this Sex Contract I copied from "50 Shades of Grey"..

MILA KUNIS

Fuck you Joel.

JOEL MCHALE

Oh I'm counting on it.

Meanwhile...

INT. MARK'S MOTEL

MARK is busy SULKING when TED shows up.

TED

Marky! Mila's going out with Joel! We have to stop it!

MARK WAHLBERG

Screw you Ted! This is all your fault! I wish I had never wished for a talkin teddy beah!

TED

You know what you're being right now? A cawk. A little pathetic uncircumcised cawk.

MARK WAHLBERG

At least I actually have one instead of a parsnip.

TED

(pause)

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

THEY FIGHT! It's a flurry of BARE KNUCKLED and FUZZY KNUCKLED FISTS flying. BLOOD and COTTON is all over the place.

EXT. HIGHWAY

MARK and TED are on top of a FIRE TRUCK and are PUNCHING each other IN THE FACE at 60MPH.

The FIRE TRUCK is about to crash into a bus full of BLIND ORPHANS so it SWERVES and EXPLODES, killing the ORPHANS. They were probably going to grow up to be ASSHOLES anyway so it kind of EVENS OUT.

INT. AIRPORT

MARK and TED are still POUNDING THE SHIT out of each other as they BUY THEIR TICKETS and move through AIRPORT SECURITY and board the PLANE.

INT. PLANE

MARK and TED are strapped into their seats while STILL PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE. The plane takes off and as soon as the fasten seatbelt sign goes off they get up and KEEP BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER SOME MORE.

TED grabs a NEWBORN and uses it like a club to BEAT MARK. MARK uses a SMALL DISABLED CHILD as a SHIELD. Sadly the DISABLED CHILD'S INSURANCE will NOT cover this.

Then TED slams MARK's face into a WINDOW and it breaks causing the cabin to DEPRESSURIZE and a piece of the fuselage BREAKS OFF.

MARK and TED are sucked out of the plane seconds before IT EXPLODES, killing everyone on board. They probably all had ASS CANCER or something so it's OKAY.

MARK and TED plummet to the earth while STILL FUCKING PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING FACE. THIS IS ALL IN THE MOVIE.

INT. MARK'S MOTEL

MARK and TED crash through the roof and take a breather.

TED

I love you man.

MARK WAHLBERG

I love you too buddy. Let's go get Mila back.

INT. CONCERT

MILA and JOEL attend a NORAH JONES CONCERT because she is POPULAR RIGHT NOW and MARK gets on stage.

MARK WAHLBERG

Mila, I am going to get up in front of all these people and verbally mangle the song that played when we first met. Take me back.

MILA KUNIS

No.

MARK WAHLBERG

What do you mean no? This always works! When a guy makes a fool out of himself in front of strangers for the woman he loves she MUST take him back! That's Rom Com 101!

MILA KUNIS

This isn't a Rom Com, stupid. It's a gross out comedy about a talking teddy bear.

MARK WAHLBERG

"Beah"

MILA KUNIS

Bear.

MARK WAHLBERG

"BEAH"!

MILA KUNIS

OMG enough already!

MARK is taken away by SECURITY.

TED

Mila, if you take Mark back I promise I will go away forever.

MILA KUNIS

Wow, how noble of you to put someone you love ahead of yourself. I feel like I should be learning a real lesson right now.

But she DOESN'T.

While MARK and MILA are busy making up, SETH MACFARLANE realizes his movie needs a THIRD ACT so...

CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI

Heeeeeeeere's Giovanni!

(kidnaps TED)

If only MARK WAHLBERG had been there, then it wouldn't have went down like it did.

CREEPY GIOVANNI locks TED up in a room with his PLUS SIZED SON.

GIOVANNI'S PLUS SIZED SON

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

TED

Look, if you're planning to make a teddy beah suit out of me there are these things called "stores" and you can just go there and buy one--

(ear is ripped off)

JESUS FACKIN CHRIST MAN! Are you going to eat my ear?! Because let's be honest it would probably be the healthiest thing you've ever put in your mouth amirite?

TED manages to call MARK while CREEPY GIOVANNI is busy recording his "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?" audition tape.

MARK and MILA come to the rescue, but CREEPY GIOVANNI and his SON escape with TED in a car and they are chased to FENWAY PARK (because BOSTON, DUH) where TED is RIPPED IN HALF.

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT

MARK and MILA gather TED's stuffing and sew him back together HALF-ASSIDLY.

MARK WAHLBERG

Hold on Ted! You're not gonna die! Just hold on you fuzzy basted!

TED

Sex joke.

(dies)

MILA KUNIS

I wish my life could go back to the way it was before I took the advice of my dumbass girlfriends.

MILA's wish COMES TRUE and TED COMES BACK TO LIFE, proving once and for all that CAPTAIN PICARD was A SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT.

SETH MCFARLANE

(swimming in cash Scrooge McDuck style)

$216 million box office! Suck it James L. Brooks! Whoo hoo!

END

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