The Abridged Script
EXT. BOSTON - 1985
PATRICK STEWART (V.O.)
Once upon a time in a decade Seth MacFarlane is obsessed with to the point of utter insanity, Young Mark Wahlberg had no friends because he was too stupid to go to a playground or sign up for little league or join a gang or any number of ways kids found friends in the 80s.
YOUNG MARK WAHLBERG
I am so lonely. Would you be my friend, Jewish Kid who is getting his ass kicked?
JEWISH KID WHO IS GETTING HIS ASS KICKED
As you can see I have quite enough friends, thank you very much.
That Christmas, YOUNG MARK's PARENTS give him a STUFFED TEDDY BEAR and YOUNG MARK WISHES he were REAL.
PATRICK STEWART (V.O.)
And if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.
You hear that girls? Your wishes are silly and meaningless. Sucks to be you. Boys rule!
The next morning TED comes to LIFE.
YOUNG MARK WAHLBERG
I love you Ted! Let's be best friends forever!
Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.
TED instantly becomes FAMOUS.
But eventually the NOVELTY wears off and nobody GIVES A SHIT about TED anymore.
SETH MCFARLANE should pay EXTRA SPECIAL ATTENTION to this part.
INT. BOSTON - 2012
Adult MARK WAHLBERG and TED grow up to be SLACKERS instead of BANK ROBBERS like everybody else in BOSTON.
Oh my Gawd I am so fackin baked! Let's watch Flash Gordon!
Yes! Surely Flash Gordon won't somehow turn out to be a crucial plot point later on!
MARK is blessed with a JOB, an APARTMENT, and a MILA KUNIS.
Holy shit I was such a loosah when I was a kid but now I got a hawt girlfriend and a talkin teddy beah! My life is awesome!
Sex joke. Drug joke. Sex joke. Pop culture joke. Sex joke. Racist joke. Poop joke. Anti-Semitic joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. Sex joke. I am fackin hilarious!
MILA meets with her GIRLFRIENDS.
Mila, tell that asshole Mark you're dumpin him if he don't ditch the teddy beah.
But why? I love Mark and Ted is actually kind of adorable. All things considered our relationship is pretty good.
ANOTHER ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND
That's because you suck at dating. If you're not pressuring yah man to change and choosing who his friends ah then you're a shitty girlfriend.
But if I do that he won't be the guy I fell in love with anymore. Maybe I should just keep things the way they are.
EVEN MORE ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND
Bitch are yah stoopid? Ignore your instincts and do what we tell yah.
It's MARK and MILA's Four Year Anniversary so they go out on a DATE.
This tastes kinda fishy, yet strangely familiar.
Hey, doesn't this remind you of the time we first met?
CUE: AWKWARD FAMILY GUY STYLE CUTAWAY!
Wow! That was a funny cutaway!
I know! Such an epic Airplane/Saturday Night Fever reference!
What in the fuck is Airplane and Saturday Night Fever?
Mark, I want you to prove you love me by breaking off all contact with your childhood friend.
That sounds like a perfectly fair and measured request. Ted, move out.
You pussy whipped motherfacka!
Come on, Ted! Didn't you see that movie where she went down on Natalie Pautmin? That was fackin hawt, right?
(still eating parsnip)
Oh, now I remember.
TED moves out. MARK and MILA enjoy their time ALONE.
Thank you for getting rid of your only friend in the world just for me.
Don't mention it. Now what part of your life are you going to change or give up to prove that you love me?
Yeah right. Figure out how to reach Little Mark with your mouth and then we'll talk.
MARK secretly hangs out with TED and they are about to get HIGH OFF THEIR ASSES when they are approached by CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI and his PLUS SIZED SON.
CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI
I want to buy your teddy beah.
How about you buy my fuzzy foot up your ass instead.
CREEPY GIOVANNI leaves, CREEPILY.
I'm glad he's gone.
Yes. Surely he won't pop up in the third act.
MARK and MILA have dinner with TED and his WHITE TRASH GIRLFRIEND JESSICA BARTH.
Mila, you are a stuck up skank biotch and I hate you yah fackin whooah!
Did you just call me a whore?
Yeah, whooah, that's what I said!
TED and JESSICA leave and go have STUFFED ANIMAL SEX.
Mark, I'm upset that you're still hanging out with Ted instead of devoting all of your time and attention to me and nothing else.
I really enjoyed that Guilt Trip, Mila. I've never flown First Class before.
As punishment you must come with me to my jerk boss Joel McHale's party.
You mean the guy who sexually harasses you and constantly tries to fack you?
That's the one.
MARK and MILA go to DOUCHEBAG JOEL MCHALE'S HOUSE where TED calls MARK.
Oh man! Sam J. Jones is at my house RIGHT NOW!
Flash Gordon, you morons. Flash Gordon is at my house!
I will abandon Mila and be right there!
MARK sneaks away to TED'S HOUSE where they meet SAM J. JONES and have a FACKIN GREAT TIME until MILA shows up and RUINS IT.
Mark! You left me! I hate you! We're over!
JOEL IMMEDIATELY hits on MILA.
I have an expensive house, car, and I'm not Black or Mexican so date me.
I know you're a major asshole who just wants to poke my balloon knot, but on the other hand I am a terrible decision maker so I will go out with you.
Great. Now if you would just sign this Sex Contract I copied from "50 Shades of Grey"..
Fuck you Joel.
Oh I'm counting on it.
INT. MARK'S MOTEL
MARK is busy SULKING when TED shows up.
Marky! Mila's going out with Joel! We have to stop it!
Screw you Ted! This is all your fault! I wish I had never wished for a talkin teddy beah!
You know what you're being right now? A cawk. A little pathetic uncircumcised cawk.
At least I actually have one instead of a parsnip.
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
THEY FIGHT! It's a flurry of BARE KNUCKLED and FUZZY KNUCKLED FISTS flying. BLOOD and COTTON is all over the place.
MARK and TED are on top of a FIRE TRUCK and are PUNCHING each other IN THE FACE at 60MPH.
The FIRE TRUCK is about to crash into a bus full of BLIND ORPHANS so it SWERVES and EXPLODES, killing the ORPHANS. They were probably going to grow up to be ASSHOLES anyway so it kind of EVENS OUT.
MARK and TED are still POUNDING THE SHIT out of each other as they BUY THEIR TICKETS and move through AIRPORT SECURITY and board the PLANE.
MARK and TED are strapped into their seats while STILL PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE. The plane takes off and as soon as the fasten seatbelt sign goes off they get up and KEEP BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER SOME MORE.
TED grabs a NEWBORN and uses it like a club to BEAT MARK. MARK uses a SMALL DISABLED CHILD as a SHIELD. Sadly the DISABLED CHILD'S INSURANCE will NOT cover this.
Then TED slams MARK's face into a WINDOW and it breaks causing the cabin to DEPRESSURIZE and a piece of the fuselage BREAKS OFF.
MARK and TED are sucked out of the plane seconds before IT EXPLODES, killing everyone on board. They probably all had ASS CANCER or something so it's OKAY.
MARK and TED plummet to the earth while STILL FUCKING PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING FACE. THIS IS ALL IN THE MOVIE.
INT. MARK'S MOTEL
MARK and TED crash through the roof and take a breather.
I love you man.
I love you too buddy. Let's go get Mila back.
MILA and JOEL attend a NORAH JONES CONCERT because she is POPULAR RIGHT NOW and MARK gets on stage.
Mila, I am going to get up in front of all these people and verbally mangle the song that played when we first met. Take me back.
What do you mean no? This always works! When a guy makes a fool out of himself in front of strangers for the woman he loves she MUST take him back! That's Rom Com 101!
This isn't a Rom Com, stupid. It's a gross out comedy about a talking teddy bear.
OMG enough already!
MARK is taken away by SECURITY.
Mila, if you take Mark back I promise I will go away forever.
Wow, how noble of you to put someone you love ahead of yourself. I feel like I should be learning a real lesson right now.
But she DOESN'T.
While MARK and MILA are busy making up, SETH MACFARLANE realizes his movie needs a THIRD ACT so...
CREEPY GIOVANNI RIBISI
If only MARK WAHLBERG had been there, then it wouldn't have went down like it did.
CREEPY GIOVANNI locks TED up in a room with his PLUS SIZED SON.
GIOVANNI'S PLUS SIZED SON
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Look, if you're planning to make a teddy beah suit out of me there are these things called "stores" and you can just go there and buy one--
(ear is ripped off)
JESUS FACKIN CHRIST MAN! Are you going to eat my ear?! Because let's be honest it would probably be the healthiest thing you've ever put in your mouth amirite?
TED manages to call MARK while CREEPY GIOVANNI is busy recording his "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?" audition tape.
MARK and MILA come to the rescue, but CREEPY GIOVANNI and his SON escape with TED in a car and they are chased to FENWAY PARK (because BOSTON, DUH) where TED is RIPPED IN HALF.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT
MARK and MILA gather TED's stuffing and sew him back together HALF-ASSIDLY.
Hold on Ted! You're not gonna die! Just hold on you fuzzy basted!
I wish my life could go back to the way it was before I took the advice of my dumbass girlfriends.
MILA's wish COMES TRUE and TED COMES BACK TO LIFE, proving once and for all that CAPTAIN PICARD was A SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT.
(swimming in cash Scrooge McDuck style)
$216 million box office! Suck it James L. Brooks! Whoo hoo!