"Clearly I've walked into the wrong movie. I'll just back up slowly, sorry folks."


"Clearly I've walked into the wrong movie. I'll just back up slowly, sorry folks."

TEACHING MRS. TINGLE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. KATIE HOLMES' BEDROOM

KATIE'S MOM

Katie, dear, I sure hope you get number one in your class so you can get out of this town. You certainly deserve the scholarship, as you're a smart kid with a heart of gold!

KATIE HOLMES

Yeah!

(pause)

Wait, no, I'm a kissup and kind of a snob and later I contemplate killing someone who stands in my way of free college.

KATIE'S MOM

Well, you still deserve it more than all of the other people with hard lives because you are the class suckup which everyone logically should hate.

KATIE HOLMES

Thanks mom, you're the greatest.

She leaves.

KATIE'S MOM

Back to my whiskey and smokes!

INT. SCHOOL

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

I am a bitch. What's your class project?

KATIE HOLMES

I wrote five hundred pages of a realistic diary of someone in salem. It is bound in a leather cover which has been passed down in my family for generations, made by my great great great grandfather who finished it right before being killed heroically in the war. The pages are bound not in regular paper, but for realism, hundred dollar bills taken from my life savings, which I hoped to spend on college but since I'm the class suckup intent on getting into college for free, I didn't really figure I needed them.. heh.

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

It sucks.

KATIE HOLMES

God dammit.

INT. BITCH TINGLE'S HOUSE

KATIE, her SLUT FRIEND and THAT GUY FROM 7TH HEAVEN all break into BITCH TINGLE'S HOUSE.

Some freakishly predictable things happen, including 7TH HEAVEN GUY shooting TINGLE with a CROSSBOW (?) and then tying her up so that she can trick SLUT FRIEND into letting her go, at which point she attacks and then they have to tie her up again.

Nothing is interesting and there is no actual conflict other than wondering if TINGLE will live or die, which nobody particularly cares about because the only person it affects is the suckup KATIE.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

ABRIDGED SCRIPT AUTHOR ROD & FRIENDS

This is the most uninteresting movie I've seen in a long time.

They leave the theater and walk around the mall, which is significantly more entertaining than the movie.

INT. BITCH TINGLE'S HOUSE

Some more bad shit probably happens to BITCH TINGLE and KATIE HOLMES almost definitely loses her virginity to THE GUY FROM 7TH HEAVEN.

ROD, not knowing what actually happens in the movie, just starts making shit up.

Suddenly, aliens come down from another planet and start blasting people at the school.

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

KATIE! ARM THE LASERS!

KATIE HOLMES

Yes sir!

She arms them and they shoot the aliens into a big pile of SHIT.

They think it's over, but as the dust from the first 5 alien ships clears, it is revealed that a mammoth ANNIHALATOR SHIP 27X3 DESTROYER is behind it, armed with 40 laser cannons, all of which begin shooting at the earth.

France is destroyed.

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

WE MUST FIND THE SERUM!!!!

They search desperately for the serum.

INT. CAVE OF MYSTERY

KATIE, BITCH TINGLE, and SLUT FRIEND search for the serum, which is contained in the GOLDEN VAULT deep inside the caves. Suddenly, bears jump out and attack our crew!

SLUT FRIEND

YOU GO ON! I AM THE TASTIEST ONE HERE!

She sacrifies herself for the good of humanity and truly learns to love the world with her selfless act. She is chewed to bits and goes to 7TH HEAVEN.

KATIE and BITCH run to the center of the cave and blow the lock on the vault, stealing the serum. They see a button inside, which they press, and the roof opens up.

AIR FORCE ONE flies overtop and stops in midair to drop a rope ladder down. KATIE and BITCH get on and are flown to BASE CODENAME MEGAFORCE.

INT. BASE

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

Do you have the serum?

KATIE HOLMES

Right here sir!

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

Excellent! Unfortunately, the only way the serum can be put into the mammoth ship is by having one of us fly into the brain of the ship and stick the needle into the leftmost lobe!

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

I shall go!

KATIE HOLMES

No! They need you here! I'll go!

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

No, Katie. Look..

CUE: string music

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

I see now that I was wrong to be such a god damned bitch. Your project was wonderful. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch.

(pause)

They need you here to write large volumes about the War. I must go. To make amends for my life!

KATIE HOLMES

(crying)

Goodbye, Bitch Tingle.

BITCH MRS. BITCH TINGLE BITCH

Just.. call me Tingle.

(winks)

See ya in the 7th Heaven.

She gets into the RFF FIGHTER X and flies to the brain of the MAMMOTH BIG SHIP WHOSE NAME I FORGOT AND ITS UP ABOUT A PAGE AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE SCROLLING UP TO SEE IT.

Before she can get there, though, the SHIP shoots her craft and it explodes! The explosion sends the NEEDLE OF SERUM through the air and into the leftmost lobe of the ship, which explodes in a massive display of patriotism and joy!!

KATIE HOLMES

GOD BLESS AMERICA! WE HAVE SAVED THE WORLD AGAIN!

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

Good work, Katie! You are truly the king of kings!

(handing her a piece of paper)

Here is a scholarship!

KATIE'S MOM

Honey, I'm so proud of you!

7TH HEAVEN GUY

ME TOO!

They fuck. KATIE and the 7TH HEAVEN GUY, that is.

INT. KATIE'S HOUSE - 5 YEARS LATER

KATIE is pregnant.

7TH HEAVEN GUY

Any day now, dear.

KATIE HOLMES

Yes, I cannot wait until I give birth. I am so excited!

(pause)

I think my water has broken.

She gives birth. The doctors take the baby.

INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER

The doctors enter with the baby in a blanket.

KATIE HOLMES

Awww, he's so cute.

7TH HEAVEN GUY

Wait a minute. Why is he green? And why does he have an antenna?

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

I'll handle this.

(pause)

I'm sorry Katie.

KATIE HOLMES

I understand.

COMMANDER HARDBRICK shoots the baby and it explodes, throwing numerous pieces everywhere.... they begin to move.

COMMANDER J. R. HARDBRICK

Good Lord.

7TH HEAVEN GUY

THEY CONTINUE TO LIVE DESPITE OUR EFFORTS!

KATIE'S MOM

We must leave this place. Let them have earth, we can not stop them. Jupiter is a nice place to live.

7TH HEAVEN GUY

No. I have a better idea. Let us enter true bliss at my home, the 7th Heaven.

They all shoot themselves in the head and DIE and go to the 7TH HEAVEN.

ABRIDGED SCRIPT AUTHOR ROD

This is what happens when a movie sucks so badly that I can't actually sit through it.

END

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