FADE IN:

EXT. EUROPE

MATT DAMON meets up with JUDE LAW.

JUDE LAW

Hello. I am kind of a snob and shit like that. Fall in love with me and then take over my life in a way similar to that of Gattaca.

MATT DAMON

Good idea. I am menacing. Really. I am quite a menacing screen presence.

JUDE LAW

Fuck me.

MATT DAMON

What?

JUDE LAW

Er, I mean, I wanna fuck Gwyneth Paltrow.

GWYNETH PALTROW

I am a waif.

JUDE LAW doesn't fall in love with MATT, who needs companionship. MATT kills JUDE and then takes over his life.

MATT DAMON

(as JUDE LAW)

Now I am Jude Law. Please watch as I juggle my two identities around.

He juggles.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

I don't believe that you are who you say.

MATT DAMON

That's alright, none of the people in the audience are convinced that I am a bi/homosexual with homicidal urges.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Maybe that's because you really suck as an actor.

MATT freaks out and kills SEYMOUR.

INVESTIGATOR

What the hell is going on here?

The INVESTIGATOR uncovers CLUES which he proceeds to IGNORE. For two more hours, the same basic CLUES are unconvered and subsequently IGNORED.

CATE BLANCHETT

I might have a personality but the writers aren't fleshing me out enough to really tell. I hate money.

AMERICAN INVESTIGATOR

Eureka! Your clothes, Matt, they are covered in Jude Law's blood! And you have his severed head in your freezer!

GWYNETH PALTROW

He's the killer!

AMERICAN INVESTIGATOR

No, I think Jude cut off his head, put it in the freezer, wore some of Matt's clothes, and then killed his fat friend.

JUDE LAW'S DAD

While I would seem like a prime candidate for someone who would want to uncover the truth about my son's disappearence, I will overlook obvious clues as well as blatant accusations by someone who was very close to my son. Have some money, Matt.

MATT DAMON

Thanks.

The movie, already way too long, continues. Eventually, it ENDS.

END