"Who's the cutest widdle boy who lived? You are! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

FADE IN:

INT. MAGICAL, EXCITING BANK VAULT

DANIEL RADCLIFFE, EMMA WATSON, and RUPERT GRINT sneak into A BANK, EMMA
disguised as HELENA BONHAM CARTER, DANIEL disguised as INVISIBLE, and
RUPERT disguised as a DORK.

                              EMMA WATSON
               So the plan is that I just walk up to the
               head banker, demand to enter Helena Bonham
               Carter's vault, and destroy all of her
               copies of "Planet of the Apes", right?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               No, no, we're destroying horcruxes!
               Remember, the things that JK Rowling came
               up with in the sixth book but pretended
               had been around since the first one?

                              EMMA WATSON
               Oh right.  Okay, stop distracting me, I
               have to concentrate to walk in high-heels
               even though I wore high-heels without a
               problem in the other movies.

EMMA approaches one member of the RACE OF CREATURES THAT WORK
EXCLUSIVELY IN BANKS.



                             BANKER GOBLIN
               I am suspicious of you since you seem to
               be yet another actress doing an extended
               impersonation of Emma Watson's overacting.

                              EMMA WATSON
               It pretty much consists of arching your
               eyebrows up and saying all your lines
               while pretending you're watching a YouTube
               video of a snake eating a mouse.

                             BANKER GOBLIN
               Guards!

                              RUPERT GRINT
               Oh no, everyone is slowly closing in on us
               and the tension is mounting!  We're going
               to be found out, what will--

                             BANKER GOBLIN
                 (magic!)
               Did you just use Uma Thurman's weapon from
               Batman and Robin on me?  Why didn't you
               just do that when you came in?  Whatever,
               I'll take you assholes to your vault now.

They travel to a VAULT in the most INEFFICIENTLY DESIGNED BANK EVER
CONCEIVED.  It's also guarded by a DRAGON because FUCK LOCKS.

                             BANKER GOBLIN
               Hey, the drugs you drugged me with wore
               off and now I'm pissed, and not just at
               the missed opportunity to start the movie
               with a magic bank heist instead of more of
               the same old polyjuice potion bullshit!

RUPERT drugs him again, and in his intoxicated state he gets BURNED
ALIVE by the DRAGON.

                              RUPERT GRINT
               Can we all ignore the fact that I
               basically just murdered an innocent banker
               merely doing his job?

                              EMMA WATSON
               Here's Helena's vault.  Be careful in
               there, this is where she keeps all of her
               gold and jewels, but if you touch anything
               it will multiply infinitely causing
               inflation and diluting market value!

                              RUPERT GRINT
               How will you find the horcrux in here? 
               I'm no help unless it's got red and white
               stripes.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               It's okay, I can hear horcruxes now. 
               Also, when we destroy them, Ralph Fiennes
               can feel it even though the other films
               specifically showed that not to be the
               case.

                              EMMA WATSON
               Ugh, what's next, horcruxes can be
               destroyed by something other than the
               magical sword we spent the last movie
               looking for?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Yeah, now they be killed by, oh let's say,
               magical teeth!  In fact, that sword was
               only useful in the first place because it
               had some tooth residue on it!

This is the ACTUAL EXPLANATION.  

They take the HOLY GRAIL HORCRUX and proceed to the NEXT LEVEL after
SAVING THEIR GAME.

INT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL AND HIS USELESS TAGALONG FRIENDS use a SECRET PASSAGEWAY to sneak
into the heavily guarded castle fortress of HOGWARTS.  They find the
other students.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Alright everyone, there are two horcruxes
               left and one of them has to be here
               because this set was way too expensive not
               to reuse.

                              EMMA WATSON
               We don't know what it looks like or where
               it is, but we do know that it's small and
               easy to hide.  Oh, and it might be extra
               hidden because of magic, naturally.

                              EVANNA LYNCH
               Brazzle dishwasher froob, it's probably
               Kelly Macdonald's crown!

                              RUPERT GRINT
               Bloody 'ell, Evanna.  We just drew
               attention to the impossibility of our task
               for comedic effect.  There's no way this
               shit is so lazily written that literally
               the very first thing you suggest would
               be--

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               It's the crown, I can feel it.  I wonder
               what obstacle I'll have to overcome to get
               it.  A two-headed dragon?  A giant
               troll?

                           KELLY MACDONALD'S
                                 GHOST
               Just convince me you really really want
               it.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               How did we manage to run out of magical
               obstacles?  Aren't we dealing with
               material that makes such a thing
               impossible?  Whatever, I need to destroy
               the crown, the last guy who had it put a
               part of himself inside of it.

                           KELLY MACDONALD'S
                                 GHOST
               Ew, which part?  In any case, I don't
               believe you!
                 (pause)
               Okay, I believe you now, the crown you
               need is inside of the room that is by
               definition the room that has whatever you
               need inside of it.

DANIEL re-enters the ROOM OF WRITING MYSELF INTO A CORNER and acquires
the next MAGICAL MACGUFFIN, gaining 3,000 XP!

Meanwhile, RALPH FIENNES and his ARMY OF GUYS WHO WEAR DARK CLOTHING
descend upon HOGWARTS.

                              EVANNA LYNCH
               Sweet, it's the payoff to all of those
               scenes of us training, narble kumquat
               zoomoodle!

                              KATIE LEUNG
               Yeah, we can finally come together as a
               student body and defend our school!

                             BONNIE WRIGHT
               Not only will it complete the arc of this
               entire class, but our unity will serve to
               reiterate the importance of the school,
               packing its destruction with emotional
               intensity!

The PROFESSORS defend the school with MAGIC while the STUDENTS do
NOTHING except occasionally DIE.  BONNIE WRIGHT'S MOTHER goes all ELLEN
RIPLEY on HELENA BONHAM CARTER while BONNIE stands there helpless.

                             MATTHEW LEWIS
               Great, the fifth movie basically just got
               turned into bonus footage.  I had a lot of
               lines in that one.

                          SOME SLYTHERIN GIRL
               This is happening because Ralph wants to
               kill Daniel.  Can we at least entertain
               the thought of saving lives by handing him
               over?

                         PROFESSOR MAGGIE SMITH
               That's it, I want the entirety of
               Slytherin House locked in the dungeon for
               the duration of the film!

                          SOME SLYTHERIN GIRL
               Why the fuck do you even admit an entire
               group of kids to the school that you seem
               to have no qualms about collectively
               classifying as irredeemable douchebags?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               She's right, I must face him.  And by
               face him, I mean sneak around behind him
               and kill his snake, the final horcrux,
               when he's not paying attention.

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT sneak around only to catch a glimpse of RALPH
killing ALAN RICKMAN!

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Yipee-ki-yay, motherfucker!  No, I'm
               kidding, I'm totally super sad you're
               dying even though you murdered my
               surrogate father figure.

                              ALAN RICKMAN
                 (wheezing)
               I had to kill him.  It was part of his
               master plan for me to earn Ralph Fiennes's
               trust.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Looks like that worked out well.  Why?

                              ALAN RICKMAN
                 (murmuring)
               Because I was in love with your mother.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               That actually doesn't answer my question,
               but go on.

                              ALAN RICKMAN
                 (gasping)
               I loved your mother since we were
               children.  We used to laugh and frolic in
               the grass, but the sorting hat sat her
               next to your father at lunch and over the
               next few years I got to watch them fall in
               love. 
                 (coughing)
               Occasionally they would fight and she'd
               confide in me and cry on my shoulder.  I
               would tell her he didn't deserve her with
               the hope that she'd realize how sweet and
               sensitive I was and kiss me.  But alas,
               she would always go back to him.
                 (rasping)
               Once I joked about the possibility of us
               getting together, but she told me she
               valued our friendship too much and loved
               me "like a sister."  Things got awkward
               and we drifted apart, though I would read
               her Facebook status updates every day.
                 (panting)
               Eventually the two of them invited me to
               their wedding, but during their first
               dance I slipped out the back door, went
               home, and opened a bottle of Jack
               Daniel's.  I removed a graduation picture
               of the three of us from the frame and
               folded your father back, then imagined my
               life with her. I futilely tried to
               masturbate, but instead I wound up crying
               myself to sleep on my futon.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                 (pause)
               Okay, "The Friend Zone" has officially
               been renamed "The Snape Zone."

                              ALAN RICKMAN
               The point is, I know I was an asshole to
               you for seven years but it was only
               because I wanted to stick it in your mom.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I will name my child after you.

                              ALAN RICKMAN
               Oh, and Michael Gambon only kept you alive
               so Ralph could kill you later.
                 (dies)

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I'll name my child after him too.

DANIEL, heart heavy with responsibility, resigns himself to his death.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I'm a horcrux, Emma.  I have to die.

                              EMMA WATSON
               You think now's the best time? You don't
               want to try and make sure we destroy the
               snake first?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               No, I definitely need to go now.  And I'm
               not going to bother finding my girlfriend
               and saying goodbye first.  I'm not even
               going to say goodbye to Rupert, who's
               literally standing right next to you. 
               Fuck you, Rupert.

DANIEL goes into the woods to confront RALPH FIENNES.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Alright.  Here I am.  I'm just going to
               let you kill me because that will destroy
               you as well.  If you're going to steal
               your ending from another movie, why not
               pick the worst Matrix film?

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Pffft, wait until you see the all-white
               train station limbo you go to when you
               die.  AVADA KADAVRA!

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Did you just yell "abracadbra" at me?  I
               swear I'll never understand how people
               take these movies seriously.
                 (dies)

INT. KING'S CROSS STATION

DANIEL wanders around a bit and finds a RALPH FIENNES FETUS ABORTION.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I have absolutely no doubt that the prop
               guy who made that killed himself
               afterward.

                             MICHAEL GAMBON
               Daniel, you can choose to come alive again
               if you want.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Seriously?  I don't use the resurrection
               stone or a clever spell or even some brand
               new magic bullshit that J.K. Rowling made
               up?  I just decide not to die?  Why the
               fuck didn't my dickhole parents or Gary
               Oldman just decide not to die?

                             MICHAEL GAMBON
               I'm sure the books do at least a slightly
               better job of explaining this complete
               nonsense, maybe you should read them.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Why do people keep suggesting that?  I
               already want back the 20 hours of my life
               spent watching these things, you honestly
               think I'd read 4,000 more pages of it? 
               The only thing I'd use those books for at
               this point would be bludgeoning myself to
               death.  Speaking of death, since this is
               obviously in my head, should I just wake
               up or something to get this series over
               with?

                             MICHAEL GAMBON
               Just because it's inside your head doesn't
               mean it's not real!

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Actually, it rather precisely means it's
               not real you fucking solopsist.

EXT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL reawakens at HOGWARTS, having been carried there by ROBBIE
COLTRANE.  RALPH FIENNES taunts the SCHOOL.

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Mwa-ha-ha, I killed one of your worst
               wizards, behold my power!

                               TOM FELTON
               Considering the direction my character has
               been going for the last seven films,
               clearly I should stand with my fellow
               students against you.
                 (pause)
               Ah, fuck it.

TOM joins RALPH, who gives him an AWKWARDLY HILARIOUS HUG, because
what's a SUPERVILLAIN good for if not COMIC RELIEF?

                               TOM FELTON
               No, don't hug me!  Great, more fodder for
               gay drawings of me on deviantART.

Suddenly, DANIEL reveals that he is ALIVE and the school erupts in
ANOTHER BATTLE.

                             MATTHEW LEWIS
               Can someone tell me where Evanna Lynch
               is?  I have to tell her I love her, I
               don't want to die in The Snape Zone!

DANIEL and RALPH take a MAGIC CARPET RIDE and face off against each
other.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               We'd better hurry up and end this fight
               scene before the audience realizes it's
               just two people pointing twigs at each
               other.

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Hey, where's my snake?  I've been super
               protective of it for the entire movie but
               suddenly I've stopped paying attention to
               it entirely!

MATTHEW LEWIS kills the SNAKE!

                               TOM FELTON
               Okay, see?  That would have been the
               perfect thing for me to do as an act of
               redemption.  But no, my parents and I
               will just go ahead and sneak away during
               the fighting like spineless little bitches
               instead.  That's fine.  Great work,
               everyone.

RALPH FIENNES'S WAND malfunctions and he proceeds to SNOWGLOBE TO DEATH
silently.

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Is that it?  IS THAT FUCKING IT?  Seven
               fucking films of buildup to the final
               confrontation, for that?  It looks like
               the fucking chubby plant kid killed him! 
               We're not just ruining one film with this
               horseshit you know, we're ruining eight! 
               Arrrgghhhh!

                              RUPERT GRINT
               Wait, what the hell just happened?

                              EMMA WATSON
               Wands are loyal to their owners.  Since
               Felton knocked the wand out of Gambon's
               hand and Daniel knocked it out of
               Felton's, he was the rightful owner of
               Ralph's wand, so it betrayed him at the
               last possible second after letting him
               kill half the school.

                              RUPERT GRINT
               Why don't wands just have wrist straps? 
               My Nintendo Wii has that shit.

DANIEL snaps the WAND in half.

                              EMMA WATSON
               Why did you do that, to stop power from
               falling into the wrong hands again?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Nah, I'm destroying all the props I can. 
               I figure Warner Brothers is already having
               meetings about when they can reboot the
               franchise and make all 8 movies again.  I
               figure if I break enough shit I can hold
               them off for few years.

19 YEARS LATER everyone STILL ALIVE is wearing RIDICULOUS-LOOKING MAKEUP
and the AUDIENCE creams their UNDEROOS over it.

END, FUCKING FINALLY