The Abridged Script
INT. OIL COMPANY MEETING ROOM
CHRIS COOPER meets with a bunch of OIL TYCOONS and LAWYER JEFFREY WRIGHT.
I am very upset because our company has been shut out of drilling for oil in a Middle East country, which has led to our company being forced to acquire a smaller company that has the rights to drill in Kazakhstan. Unfortunately for my shareholders, this merger represents a potential monopoly, so now the government has to investigate us and approve! How infuriating!
Wow, that lengthy expository monologue seemed awfully forced and contrived.
Trust me, twenty minutes from now you'll be yearning for shit like this.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS
Some SLIMY CIA FUCKERS discuss promoting GEORGE CLOONEY so that he doesn't keep talking about a missile that he lost.
SLIMY CIA ASSHOLE
George, welcome back. Whoa, you packed on some pounds.
I gained 40 pounds for this role.
SLIMY CIA BITCH
Er, why? There's no reason for this character to weigh more than you did already.
But I gained weight. For a movie role. Like other important actors. It means I'm awesome.
SLIMY CIA BITCH
Is that an M&M stuck in your beard?
SLIMY CIA ASSHOLE
So, we want you to kill this prince, Alexander Siddig, because his agenda works against the agenda of the United States government.
How slimy and despicable!
EXT. PERSIAN GULF REGION
MATT DAMON meets with ALEXANDER SIDDIG. He uses a PERSONAL TRAGEDY to further his career, making him SLIMY AS WELL.
Damn, I was almost the likable one.
All I want is to maximize profits, just like any shrewd American businessman. It so happens that this capitalistic tendency is exactly why I sold drilling rights to China, causing the American government to label me a terrorist.
How poignant. I sure hope everyone in the audience catches that detail.
Wait, who is that guy? Where are they? What country is he the prince of? What happened with Matt Damon's kid? Where's that guy's brother? What the hell is going on?
EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE REGION
The CHINESE take over drilling for oil, kicking out all of the WORKERS.
Helping Americans rape the land was my only means of employment! I am now jobless!
I'm hiring in the Assistant Suicide Bomber department.
Do you have flexible hours?
I'll take it. So what do I get to blow up?
How about the company that you used to work for, since they were forced out by the prince and would have greatly preferred continuing their operation and keeping you employed.
Yes, damn the American swine that were paying me until the Chinese paid the prince more money to have them kicked out. Attacking them makes much more sense than attacking anyone that was actually responsible for me losing my job.
These four stories intertwine confusingly, eventually alienating every audience member by failing to provide crucial information and time to digest and process the story.
What's going on? I sneezed and somehow missed five crucial conversations.
Let me summarize everything that has happened so far: everyone involved in the oil business in even the most indirect way is a total dick.
Oh. That actually clarifies things significantly. What a topical message for a film, given the current political climate.
This is truly an important movie that everyone should watch.
You'd think such an "important" movie would make more of an effort to be comprehensible to the audience. So that people would leave the theater talking about current events rather than, you know, "who was that guy?"
No way, this movie makes such incendiary allegations against the oil business, there's no way people could watch it and not be shocked into action.
Meh. I've pretty much assumed this was how the oil business worked for a while. I stopped caring in order to resolve my cognitive dissonance years ago.
The AUDIENCE leaves the theater, stopping to fill up their SUVs on the way home.
Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the lion's share of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com