Syriana: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Mar 18th, 2006 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. OIL COMPANY MEETING ROOM
CHRIS COOPER meets with a bunch of OIL TYCOONS and LAWYER JEFFREY WRIGHT.
CHRIS COOPER
I am very upset because our company has been shut out of drilling for oil in a Middle East country, which has led to our company being forced to acquire a smaller company that has the rights to drill in Kazakhstan. Unfortunately for my shareholders, this merger represents a potential monopoly, so now the government has to investigate us and approve! How infuriating!
JEFFREY WRIGHT
Wow, that lengthy expository monologue seemed awfully forced and contrived.
CHRIS COOPER
Trust me, twenty minutes from now you’ll be yearning for shit like this.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS
Some SLIMY CIA FUCKERS discuss promoting GEORGE CLOONEY so that he doesn’t keep talking about a missile that he lost.
SLIMY CIA ASSHOLE
George, welcome back. Whoa, you packed on some pounds.
GEORGE CLOONEY
I gained 40 pounds for this role.
SLIMY CIA BITCH
Er, why? There’s no reason for this character to weigh more than you did already.
GEORGE CLOONEY
But I gained weight. For a movie role. Like other important actors. It means I’m awesome.
SLIMY CIA BITCH
Is that an M&M stuck in your beard?
SLIMY CIA ASSHOLE
So, we want you to kill this prince, Alexander Siddig, because his agenda works against the agenda of the United States government.
GEORGE CLOONEY
How slimy and despicable!
EXT. PERSIAN GULF REGION
MATT DAMON meets with ALEXANDER SIDDIG. He uses a PERSONAL TRAGEDY to further his career, making him SLIMY AS WELL.
MATT DAMON
Damn, I was almost the likable one.
ALEXANDER SIDDIG
All I want is to maximize profits, just like any shrewd American businessman. It so happens that this capitalistic tendency is exactly why I sold drilling rights to China, causing the American government to label me a terrorist.
MATT DAMON
How poignant. I sure hope everyone in the audience catches that detail.
AUDIENCE
Wait, who is that guy? Where are they? What country is he the prince of? What happened with Matt Damon’s kid? Where’s that guy’s brother? What the hell is going on?
MATT DAMON
Oh.
EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE REGION
The CHINESE take over drilling for oil, kicking out all of the WORKERS.
MAZHAR MUNIR
Helping Americans rape the land was my only means of employment! I am now jobless!
ISLAMIC EXTREMIST
I’m hiring in the Assistant Suicide Bomber department.
MAZHAR MUNIR
Do you have flexible hours?
ISLAMIC EXTREMIST
No.
MAZHAR MUNIR
I’ll take it. So what do I get to blow up?
ISLAMIC EXTREMIST
How about the company that you used to work for, since they were forced out by the prince and would have greatly preferred continuing their operation and keeping you employed.
MAZHAR MUNIR
Yes, damn the American swine that were paying me until the Chinese paid the prince more money to have them kicked out. Attacking them makes much more sense than attacking anyone that was actually responsible for me losing my job.
These four stories intertwine confusingly, eventually alienating every audience member by failing to provide crucial information and time to digest and process the story.
MATT DAMON
What’s going on? I sneezed and somehow missed five crucial conversations.
GEORGE CLOONEY
Let me summarize everything that has happened so far: everyone involved in the oil business in even the most indirect way is a total dick.
MATT DAMON
Oh. That actually clarifies things significantly. What a topical message for a film, given the current political climate.
GEORGE CLOONEY
This is truly an important movie that everyone should watch.
CHRIS COOPER
You’d think such an “important” movie would make more of an effort to be comprehensible to the audience. So that people would leave the theater talking about current events rather than, you know, “who was that guy?”
GEORGE CLOONEY
No way, this movie makes such incendiary allegations against the oil business, there’s no way people could watch it and not be shocked into action.
AUDIENCE
(shrugging)
Meh. I’ve pretty much assumed this was how the oil business worked for a while. I stopped caring in order to resolve my cognitive dissonance years ago.
The AUDIENCE leaves the theater, stopping to fill up their SUVs on the way home.
END
Two smart digs here, Rod - firstly, at Clooney’s weight gain and beard (He is a good actor, but was there really any reason for the physical change apart from to bring attention to himself?).
Secondly, at the fact that these big message movies really don’t seem to be making that much of a difference - “The AUDIENCE leaves the theater, stopping to fill up their SUVs on the way home”. Your final line in the Crash script dug into this theme pretty well too.
July 15th, 2007 at 4:06 amCoginitive dissonace - the reason 90% of assholes act like they do.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:56 pmMICHAEL CLAYTON: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
FADE IN: George Clooney sits in his lavish mansion on his private island in Italy or France or wherever watching “SYRIANA” and thinks, “This is a socially relevant and thought-provoking film, perhaps the most important film of the 21st century. It’s so good, it needs to be remade.”
TONY GILROY: Guess what? I watched “Syriana” too. Here’s the script for “Michael Clayton.” It’s like “Syriana” instead of the oil industry being the malevolent force you discover has turned you into an unscrupulous amoral asshole who helps the badguys, it’s big corporations who stomp on the little guy. Oh, and here’s a copy of “A Civil Action” and “The Rainmaker.” Watch those.
MICHAEL CLAYTON: I am feeling bad about myself because I help big corporations stomp on the farmers and the little guy.
TOM WILKINSON: I feel bad for the same reason, except that I feel SO bad that I go batshit crazy and start telling everybody about it.
SHADY BIG CORPORATION STRING PULLER #1: This guy is talking too much. What do people like us do in movies like this?
SHADY BIG CORPORATION STRING-PULLER #2: Hitmen.
SHADY BIG CORPORATION STRING-PULLER #1: Oh yeah.
TOM WILKINSON is killed by HITMEN, which no one in the audience was expecting.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Wilkinson is right. We are on the wrong side. I’m going to follow his lead.
HITMAN #1: We got to do Clooney too.
HITMAN #2: Nice.
GEORGE CLOONEY talks to his UNREALISTICALLY WISE AND KNOWING SON. Because he is GEORGE CLOONEY, he gets out of his car right before the car explodes.
GEORGE CLOONEY confronts SHADY CORPORATE STRING-PULLER.
GEORGE CLOONEY: You’re an asshole. I resign.
CRITICS: I’ve never seen anything like this before! Brilliant! Socially relevant! Clooney does it again!
END. (George Clooney gets a blowjob back at his mansion.)
November 20th, 2007 at 1:17 pmDude, the audience was not that stupid and the 4 plots were not really complicated if one was not stoned during the movie. Why did not you mention anything about Clooney’s nails being ripped out or the 20 minute Beduin goat crossing. Great comment about the SUVs.
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:05 am