"My beady eyes and vaguely sponge-like face are up HERE."


"My beady eyes and vaguely sponge-like face are up HERE."

SWIMFAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

JESSE BRADFORD basks in his WONDERFULNESS.

JESSE BRADFORD

Man, life is great. I’m banging the chick from Roswell, I have a dog, and I’m on track for an athletic career that will end in my early 30s if I’m lucky. I still haven’t seen a doctor about that mouth that won’t stop hanging open, but I’ll think about it tomorrow.

SHIRI APPLEBY

So today can we talk about how we can't go to separate colleges because we'll totally break up?

JESSE BRADFORD

Babe, I swear on the grave of this genre that we will not become completely different people after Orientation Week. Or within the next 85 minutes.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN shows up.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

Hi, I’m the blond, well-endowed, heavy-eyelidded new girl. Can you please bust open my locker by which I mean pussy?

JESSE BRADFORD

I will of course come to your aid, fair damsel. But now I must away, if there be a sick man in need of potions or a kitten imperiled in a tree. Fare thee well.

(rides off on white steed)

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

He will be mine. Oh, yes. He WILL be mine.

She proceeds to engineer a series of COINCIDENCES that lead to a DATE, KIND OF.

JESSE BRADFORD

...and, so, that drug habit and criminal history led to my redemption as the best person ever. But I’ve been going on and on about myself. Tell me about you.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

I like music and I can’t swim.

JESSE BRADFORD

That’s it? That’s your character?

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

Oh, no. We’ll get to THAT cavalcade of crazy after we fuck in the pool.

JESSE BRADFORD

Um, thanks for the offer and all, but the best person ever doesn’t cheat on the chick from Roswell.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

OK, well, two other aspects of my character I can reveal in this scene are my breasts.

JESSE'S MOUTH

(hangs open for a reason)

ERIKA manages to bang his BRAINS out in the pool despite her INABILITY TO SWIM. Look, we’d accept this in ACTUAL PORN, just roll with it.

INT. OH CRAP

JESSE does laps on the one SET that has an excuse to be TINTED BLUE.

COACH DAN HEDAYA

Jesse, you’re not sportsing as amazingly as usual. You’re not wracked with guilt or anything, or you?

JESSE BRADFORD

I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS IN THAT DEEP END!

COACH DAN HEDAYA

Uh... yeah. Just sports better, maggot.

SHIRI APPLEBY

Hi honey! Come meet my new friend Erika!

JESSE BRADFORD

I HAVE NEVER MET THIS FOUL TEMPTRESS!

SHIRI APPLEBY

Uh... yeah. I have a plot contrivance that goes nowhere to get to.

(exits)

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

I will not be post-coitally friendzoned, Jesse. I’m going to worm my way into your life so thoroughly that you’ll have to reject me to my face.

JESSE BRADFORD

Fine. I awkwardly and indecisively reject you to your face.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

OK, cool.

(exits)

JESSE BRADFORD

Wow, disposing of my stalker was surprisingly easy. Life is perfect once more!

Except for the parts where she stalks him at WORK, sends him NAKED PHOTOS and pretends to date his LUNKHEAD BEST FRIEND CLAYNE CRAWFORD.

JESSE BRADFORD

Yeah, yeah, OK. I firmly and decisively reject you to your face.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

(looks up from copy of 50 Quick & Easy Rabbit Recipes)

Sorry, what?

JESSE BRADFORD

You heard me. This is my firm and decisive voice.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

Your voice says no, but your open mouth says “Insert tongue here!”

JESSE BRADFORD

GO DROWN IN A BATHTUB!

ERIKA proceeds to engineer a series of FUCK-UPS that leads to JESSE losing his JOB, GIRLFRIEND, ATHLETIC CAREER and IMAGE AS THE EMBODIMENT OF PERFECTION.

JESSE BRADFORD

Why is this happening to me? All I did was stick it in crazy!

HETEROSEXUAL MALES EVERYWHERE

(shake their heads sadly)

EXT. THE MOMENT OF DUH

ERIKA makes out with CLAYNE.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

Oh, God, Jesse... give me that dead-eyed gape! That’s it!

CLAYNE CRAWFORD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Getting my name wrong is enough for me to totally believe everything’s your fault. Bye, bitch.

Having also violated the STICKING IT RULE, he dies. In revenge, JESSE decides to stalk ERIKA for a change. He is confronted by her cousin, JAMES DEBELLO.

JAMES DEBELLO

Dude, she isn’t just bro-crazy. She has Borderline Athlophiliac Disorder. It’s this disease that makes her destroy the lives of star high school athletes when they don’t fuck her a second time.

JESSE BRADFORD

That’s... bizarrely specific.

JAMES DEBELLO

I know, but maybe now people will understand when you say she’s BAD. Welp, I’ve served my purpose in this movie.

(fucks off)

Then JESSE gets a message on SOME BEEPY THING and calls his mom, KATE BURTON, on a WALL-MOUNTED PHONE that is operated by QUARTERS. I don’t get it.

KATE BURTON

Shiri just got struck by your car, so everyone's mad at you again.

JESSE BRADFORD

It wasn’t me! I can prove it this time! Erika’s BAD! She’s BAD, I tell you!

Against all ESTABLISHED CHARACTERISTICS, he sets up an ELABORATE TRAP for ERIKA that gets her arrested for about TEN MINUTES before she kills a COP, knocks out KATE and kidnaps SHIRI.

JESSE BRADFORD

BAD, but effective, I’ll give her that.

He finds ERIKA holding SHIRI by the POOL.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN

You have two choices, Jesse! Save your girlfriend, or save... wait, you actually have one choice, don't you? Let me try that again.

JESSE BRADFORD

EAT CHLORINATION, BITCH!

He rescues SHIRI and throws ERIKA'S NON-SWIMMING ASS into the POOL, for which NOBODY gets mad at him.

JESSE BRADFORD

It’s OK, Shiri. She's dead. And the erotic thriller is also dead, because nobody will ever make another one as bad as this.

OBSESSED

Let me show you how it's done.

THE BOY NEXT DOOR

Hold my beer.

UNFORGETTABLE

LEEEEEROOOOOOOY JEEEENNKIIIIINNNS

END

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