Brian van Holt gets an urgent message from Future HQ that he's still not famous.


Brian van Holt gets an urgent message from Future HQ that he's still not famous.

S.W.A.T.

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. FIRST BANKING BANK OF BANK

The BANK is being robbed by the guys from WORLD'S MOST EXTREME POLICE VIDEOS, who have taken hostages! SWAT teams are surrounding the BANK.

COLIN FARRELL

Geez, what a tough situation. What should we do?

AUDIENCE

Hey, we know! Play the "Theme from SWAT"! It's the only reason we're here anyway!

COLIN FARRELL

No no, we are being too serious and dramatic for that. Perhaps a solemn fragment of the theme while I brood, but that's it.

JEREMY RENNER

Fuck it, I'm charging in blind to go save the day!

(wraps head in duct tape, runs forward firing 82 automatic weapons)

COLIN FARRELL

(to audience)

I would just like to point out that Jeremy is clearly evil, since he is putting his own ego before the team and recklessly endangering innocent lives to get the bad guys. Anyone who does these things for the remainder of this film must therefore also be evil. Now let us continue.

INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE

DORKY CAPTAIN

Colin, even though the entire force knows what an utter psycho Jeremy Renner is, unless you rat out on him I will take you off SWAT.

COLIN FARRELL

No, even though he is clearly the worst partner in the known universe, I cannot rat him out. And since I have roughly 8,000 other films currently in theatres, it won't hurt so bad to lose one here and there.

INT. SWAT HEADQUARTERS - LATER

RANDOM COP

Fuck you, Colin Farrell, you dirty sell-out.

(dumps vat of rotten fish on Colin)

COLIN FARRELL

What the hell? Getting expelled from SWAT wasn't bad enough?

RANDOM COP

(smearing Colin with feces)

Not really.

COLIN FARRELL

But since expulsion from SWAT was what I was publicly threatened with unless I sold out Jeremy Renner, doesn't my non-SWAT status imply that I DIDN'T sell him out?

RANDOM COP

I suppose so.

(throws curdled spunk in Colin's face)

Fuck you, sell-out.

COLIN FARRELL

Goddamn it. Do you understand any of this, Glutton Cop?

GLUTTON COP

(eating furiously)

Don't ask me, Colin! My only function is to stuff myself with McDonald's and Dr. Pepper! Glomph blomph blomph blarrb!!!!!!!!

(mouth overflowing)

Once again, that'sh McDonald'sh... and Dr. Pepper!!!!! Ashk for them by name!!!!

(eats entire McDonald's restaurant)

GGLMPHHFPGLGGLLFHPFHPMMPFH!!

(dies of heart failure)

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(arriving)

Hey there, Colin. I've decided to offer you a spot on my new, elite, hand-picked SWAT unit. Can you guess why?

COLIN FARRELL

Obviously you've chosen me because of my ability to turn paper clips into deadly weapons and my supernaturally perfect aim... no, wait... I mean, because of my expert CIA training with Al Pacino... umm... or rather, my ability to outsmart snipers while trapped in a telephone booth... er... what's my shtick in this movie again?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

You have the unique ability to have the same character name as the one from the original TV show. Accordingly, you're on the team. Now assist me as we gather our other rag-tag members.

They go and find MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, LL COOL J, and an UNKNOWN CHARACTER ACTOR.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

You can tell I am a crazy tough chick, because even though I am a girl, I managed to beat up a guy using nothing more than my extensive SWAT combat training and excellent physical conditioning.

LL COOL J

Hey, look, my stomach is really ripped! Look at my great stomach!

(pause)

Well, that's my contribution to this movie.

(falls asleep)

UNKNOWN CHARACTER ACTOR

Even though I am the only member of this team without my own promotional poster, I am confident I will make to the end of this adventure alive and unscathed.

AUDIENCE

Okay, the team is gathered! What a great opportunity to play the "Theme from SWAT"!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

All right guys, let's go train to the accompaniment of non-descript filler music.

AUDIENCE

D'oh!

They TRAIN in a mildly interesting way.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Now it is time for the training graduation exercise! We must achieve two critical objectives to pass this test: (1) defeat the simulated hostages-on-a-jet-plane scenario; and (2) even more importantly, we must convince the audience that this somewhat cool sequence is a promise of more and better things to come, not the high point of the entire movie!

They (1) SUCCEED and (2) NOT SO MUCH.

EXT. RANDOM EXTERIOR LOCATIONS

The TEAM is going about their lives. Suddenly their PAGERS go off, calling them to active duty!

AUDIENCE

This must be it! The team is assembled, trained, and ready to go, so this must at long last be the big payoff where we hear a rousing rendition of the "Theme from SWAT"!!!

Instead the music DIES DOWN UTTERLY as the team arrives at an ORDINARY HOUSE.

AUDIENCE

Goddamnit.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Well, you might think it was time for some serious action, or maybe even for the plot to get started, but you'd be ever so wrong. Instead we must deal with some unimportant schmuck who won't come out of his house.

COLIN FARRELL

I will use my clever invention that rips holes in walls! He won't expect that, since like everyone else, he will be thinking that my invention has been designated to use at some important moment, instead of this meaningless one!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Y'know, the real police have plenty of ways to knock out walls already. Maybe this would have been innovative for the original 1970s TV show, but now? What the fuck?

They USE the invention, which WORKS GREAT, and is accordingly NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

INT. SWAT HEADQUARTERS

DORKY CAPTAIN

We just realized this movie will end some day, so we need to introduce a story. Please take Olivier Martinez to some maximum prison thing.

COLIN FARRELL

Huh? Why's that?

OLIVIER MARTINEZ

I dunno. I think I'm evil or something. Or if nothing else, I'm at least French.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(shrugs)

Good enough.

They arrange a BIG HONKING POLICE CONVOY, and the musical score actually comes FAIRLY CLOSE to something vaguely approximating the THEME FROM SWAT.

AUDIENCE

Hey! That was fairly close!

Suddenly, EVIL GANGS attack the CONVOY! But instead of rescuing OLIVIER MARTINEZ, they find only a MANNEQUIN, which reveals that the CONVOY was just a CLEVER DIVERSION that was SO VERY CLEVERLY PLANNED that it got a bunch of cops KILLED. Meanwhile the TEAM is with OLIVIER MARTINEZ elsewhere.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Tum, tee tum.

UNKNOWN CHARACTER ACTOR

Ha-ha, I am actually evil and in league with Jeremy Renner! To illustrate this I will let Olivier free, and shoot yet another team member, who to this point has been utterly unnoticed by anybody.

THOROUGHLY-OVERLOOKED-UNTIL-NOW TEAM MEMBER

(being shot)

ARRRGH!

COLIN FARRELL

Oh God! I am so shocked that you shot the other guy on the team... and also, that there was another guy on our team!!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

I think he'll pull through, whoever he is. We must stop the bad guys!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(grabbing walkie-talkie)

Dorky Captain, come in! Come in, Dorky Captain!

DORKY CAPTAIN

(over walkie-talkie)

Attention all SWAT units! We have a report of landing lights activated for one runway in the city. I order absolutely everybody to abandon anything you are doing and converge on this one position! As you arrive, please deposit any and all eggs you have into the single giant basket that will be provided! And remember, whatever you do, for God's sake DO NOT play the "Theme from SWAT"!

COLIN FARRELL

Clearly Dorky Captain is misguided. We'll have to blatantly disobey orders and find the getaway plane ourselves, using our elite training, knowhow, and...

(squints)

... oh, there it is.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Quick, everyone in the SWATmobile!

They GET IN the SWATMOBILE and DRIVE REAL FAST towards the PLANE.

COLIN FARRELL

Darn, they've taken hostages into the plane, thus mirroring our graduation exercise in a way absolutely nobody could have predicted! What to do?

AUDIENCE

(weakly)

...play the "Theme from SWAT"...??

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Perhaps we should use the methodical techniques we demonstrated during our training montage, designed for maximum odds of safety and minimal collateral damage?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

No, we must heroically crash the SWATmobile into the plane at full speed, recklessly endangering innocent lives in our pursuit to catch the villains!

This HAPPENS. Miraculously NOBODY DIES!

OLIVIER MARTINEZ

God this movie is crap. I must escape it...

COLIN FARRELL

Hey, Olivier is getting away! Quick, throw LL Cool J's sleeping form onto him!

They DO.

OLIVIER MARTINEZ

Oof! I am captured. Just please don't make me appear in any more scenes.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I must now confront the Unknown Character Actor and shame him into killing himself, for what he did to Guy We All Forgot Existed.

COLIN FARRELL

While you do that, I will defeat Jeremy Renner in a preposterously lame train-yard fight, which might be even lamer than the admittedly mega-lame train-yard fight from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, and certainly nowhere near as good as even the worst X-Files train-yard fight, or for that matter the admittedly run-of-the-mill train-yard fight in Tightrope with Clint Eastwood. Though it might compare favourably to...

JEREMY RENNER

(punching self in the head)

OH GOD JUST SHUT UP

(knocks self unconscious)

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE PRISON - THE NEXT MORNING

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Well, that takes care of Olivier Martinez and that psycho Jeremy Renner. We always knew that guy was evil, the way he would place his own ego before the team, blatantly disobey orders, and endanger innocent lives.

SWAT BUS DRIVER

I have a line because I was in the original show.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Hey, the SWAT radio is saying there is a serious crisis happening. What should we do?

AUDIENCE

(sighing)

We're not even going to say it...

COLIN FARRELL

Well let's see. Two of our team are dead, Michelle got shot in the arm, and I have a terrible wound to one hand. Clearly the most heroic decision is to blatantly disobey our orders to recuperate and call off the other healthy, rested, and intact SWAT teams, then barge in ourselves! That way we can both demonstrate how our egos are more important than the team, and ultimately endanger innocent lives. Let's go!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Remember kids, it's not whether you're right or wrong, it's whether your names are on the poster.

CUE: STILL NOT THE FUCKING THEME FROM SWAT FOR CHRISSAKE

END

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