Suggest A Movie

So, this time of year is always a really boring time for movies. All of the brainless action movies are being held off until summertime, and all of the pretentious oscar-grabbers came out months ago. Basically the studios just stand around with their dicks in their hands for the next few months, and that makes me bored.

So I’m trying something new. Suggest a movie for me to watch and abridge (or just abridge if I’ve seen it). Just leave a comment on this post making a suggestion for what’s next.

The way I plan for this to work is: I’ll read all of your comments and pick movies from them that I think would be good candidates for abridgement. Then I’ll make a poll on the sidebar and visitors can pick one of the movies from the list, and then I’ll, like, write down what happens in screenplay format with fart jokes.

Here are some guidelines:

  • Don’t suggest Doomsday or 10,00 B.C. Doomsday is the next script anyway, and 10,000 B.C. is one I want to abridge if I ever get around to it. Also don’t suggest Harry Potter 7 or whatever it is, since I already committed to doing that one months ago.
  • Don’t suggest totally random movies that you and your stupid friends rented while high that one time. If I’ve never even heard of the movie, I’ll filter it right out before it goes into the poll.
  • Don’t suggest amazing movies that would be impossible to abridge because they lack flaws. Like don’t suggest Citizen Kane and then be surprised when I call you an asshat.
  • Similarly, don’t suggest movies that are so mind-blowingly stupid that I’d have virtually nothing to say about them. Like, what am I gonna say about Batman and Robin? That movie mocks itself.

If I don’t put your suggestion in the poll, don’t whine about it, it probably violated one of those guidelines above or one of the hundreds of internal guidelines I have in my head and decided not to share.

Update: Holy shit, I got a lot of responses to this. Alright, finish making your suggestions by end of day Sunday. I’ll put the poll up by Monday.

Updatier Update: Alright, poll is up. Comments are closed. Thanks for participating, everyone.

Updatiest Update: Looks like Cloverfield and Juno both did extremely well in the poll. I guess I’ll just do them both. Thanks for playing, everyone.

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90 Responses to “Suggest A Movie”

  1. 1
    KamiFlashedDODO Says:

    rambo 4.

  2. 2
    TR Says:

    rambo 4? Can we say asshat?

    What about Showgirls?

  3. 3
    firmpulse Says:

    the last legion

  4. 4
    Marsten Says:

    Wow, does the first poster even READ this site?

    I’d suggest Sweeney Todd, but that’s actually a pretty damn good film. I’d recommend Be Kind Rewind because it’s a one-trick pony and Jack Black really, really irritates me, but your mileage may vary.

    If you want my honest thoughts, try The Other Boleyn Girl. Utterly mediocre in every way, it’s riddled with more historical inaccuracies than I’ve seen in any other film to date. And the idea of characterisation seems to be ‘make all of the other characters REALLY EEEVIL so that the title character seems better by comparison’. You could really rip this apart.

    Or, if you’re stuck for ideas entirely, I could send you my own abridged screenplay for Highlander 5, which was released last year.

  5. 5
    Zane Says:

    I think Tyler Perry is coming out with another film. I hate his films.

  6. 6
    Dave Says:

    For my money, movies don’t get much worse than 2004’s Chronicles of Riddick. Pitch black was great, I wen’t to see the sequel hoping for more of the same.

    I left the cinema feeling violated.
    vomitous writing, hideous acting…
    worst sequel ever.

  7. 7
    Matt Says:

    Why not do something classic, like the Evil Dead movies?

    As to movies in theaters, Vantage Point will be awesomely bad.

  8. 8
    SomeGuy Says:

    Jurassic Park and The Lost World

  9. 9
    Sofia Says:

    Atonement. Love in the time of cholera. Superbad. Juno. Cloverfield. I’ll go on later…

  10. 10
    Jiblah Says:

    As a matter of fact, I’d have to agree with SomeGuy. Jurassic Park (especially The Lost World) would be a very fun read.

    The Lost World felt like taking it in the rear by a phallus-shaped nuclear bomb while hearing the smell of cheese. It was that bad.

  11. 11
    Alex Says:

    I’d love to see an abridged script for The Road Warrior or perhaps Sin City. The Fifth Element would also be great. Or X-Men 2 / Spider-Man 2, I was disappointed that you missed those two.

  12. 12
    Andrew Says:

    The Big Lebowski. Or someone else said with the Evil Dead series, specifically Army of Darkness.

  13. 13
    Brandon Says:

    This might be too easy to make fun of, but how about “Stealth”?

  14. 14
    Iain Says:

    Juno.
    Really, beacause it is both a great film, and has some really big flaws. Such as the horrendus plugging of “sunny-D” and “tic-tacs”, which although was not too bad, and fittet quite well into the character and the themse and stuff, really could get abridged quite funilly. Really, i think you could do a great job on it. Whatever you do, please dont go for something “cult”, people will either not have seen it, or they will love it.

  15. 15
    Liquidcow Says:

    TR - surely Showgirls is the definition of a movie that mocks itself.

    Although I was pleasantly surprised by it, I think there’s plenty to mock in Sweeny Todd.

    Here’s a mixed bag of suggestions, some old, some new, some good, some bad:

    Requiem for a Dream
    Juno
    Brick
    Tideland
    Atonement
    The Lives of Others
    Syriana
    Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV

  16. 16
    Liquidcow Says:

    Oops I thought I put paragraph breaks between titles in that post, sorry, should have put commas there instead.

  17. 17
    Wantzacracker, |Paul E Says:

    Atonement

    or Kung-fu hustle..whatever it’s called..that’s a cool flick, the one with the ‘axe gang’ Classic movie.

  18. 18
    Johnny Says:

    No brainer - NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.

    What did I win?

  19. 19
    Beth Says:

    Hehe. I was also going to say The Other Boleyn Girl or Juno, but only so that you would have to suffer through it, because as your sister that would clearly be funny for ME.

  20. 20
    Fantasticraig Says:

    Beowulf could use a good ripping upon.

  21. 21
    Jeremiah Says:

    How about the Number 23? It was almost unwatchable because of the rampant “horror” “thriller” “psych” cliches.

  22. 22
    darndest Says:

    planet terror/death proof

    never back down

    The Last King of Scotland

    Pretty in Pink

    Cloverfield

  23. 23
    Nate Says:

    I agree with a poster above - How about Juno? Ya, my wife loved it as well but for me I couldn’t get past the smart ass 16-year old who think and talks like a bitter, crusty 30-year old. Just saying…

  24. 24
    Jon Says:

    Juno’s too easy

    Clerks 2
    Dirty Dancing
    Labyrinth
    Goonies
    Demolition Man
    Ferris Bueller
    The Jerk
    Police Academy :D
    Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
    Perfume

    Could go on…

  25. 25
    anonymous Says:

    Finish the Bourne movies.

  26. 26
    Amaris Says:

    Death Sentence, Enchanted, The Mist, Awake, Juno, Knocked Up, Superbad, Clerks 2…

    I’d say Date Movie/Epic Movie, but I’d be giving you nothing to work with. Not to mention I wouldn’t want you to burn your eyeballs out by the halfway mark. You might need those eyes one day.

  27. 27
    Tom Says:

    Going along with a lot of the suggestions here, I think it’s a generally good policy to choose movies that are well regarded (especially by pretentious critics and people who want to convince you they are super-cultured) but are really pretty mediocre. My nomination in that category would have to be Lars and the Real Girl, although I didn’t see Juno of NCFOM.

    If you’re willing to get historical in that category (although this might be a stretch), I’d love to see a Gone with the Wind abridgment.

  28. 28
    Lance Says:

    I would ask for any of the following: No Country, Beowulf, Vantage Point or American Gangster. ESPECIALLY Beowulf or Gangster.

    And I am so very happy to see that Doomsday will soon be getting a sword through its heart here on your site.

    THANK YOU.

  29. 29
    Paul Says:

    Evil dead, would be great. And Americal Gangster because I need to get somthing back for paying to see it.

  30. 30
    Ryan Says:

    Aliens vs Predator:Requiem

  31. 31
    Keith Callbeck Says:

    Godfather 3

  32. 32
    Anthony Says:

    The Saw movies.

    Funny Games (U.S. version). Really freaking weird movie.

  33. 33
    Alexander Says:

    I would love to see an abridged script for There Will Be Blood. It’s a great film but it could be made into a riotously hilarious, flaw-poking abridged screenplay.

    It seems like a lot of people around here want Juno to be abridged and I think that would be pretty funny. A good film, but easily mocked.

    Many of the funniest and boldest abridged scripts are for films that are supposed to be next-to-sacred new releases like The Departed.

  34. 34
    Arthur Says:

    Out of the suggestions above, I’d like to see Atonement and Juno simply because they’re so overrated. I’d also like to see Before Sunrise abridged but that favourite of mine is probably too obscure.

  35. 35
    dave Says:

    i’d love to read your take on “death proof”, “donnie darko” or “the boondock saints”.

  36. 36
    C-J Says:

    Please do D-wars. I´d love to see what you can do with it.

  37. 37
    Utter defiance Says:

    Top Gun
    The Frighteners
    Narnia
    Eragon

  38. 38
    Enzo Says:

    30 days of night or beowulf

  39. 39
    Rhuss Says:

    I second (or 3rd, 4th, whatever) Juno. Though it would be interesting to see you work your magic on No Country.

  40. 40
    Phixius Says:

    How about Hitman?

  41. 41
    DarthXan Says:

    Shoot Em Up. Terrible movie, but amazing cast. I dunno how the hell they agreed to do that piece of shit.

  42. 42
    John Says:

    Definitely JUNO - it’s such a bad movie, I know you must hate it too, Rod. You gotta make fun of all the Juno-obsessed people, “such a phenomenon,” please. I’d also enjoy a joke Cloverfield (like it wasn’t already a joke?) and American Gangster (just terrible).

  43. 43
    groarm Says:

    The Big Lebowski
    The Downfall (That’s going to be fun!)
    The Simpsons Movie (You know you want to do this one!)

    Any Matt Stone/Trey Parker Movie:
    Southpark The Movie
    Team America - World Police

  44. 44
    Chiusano Says:

    I have to admit, I was shocked that you glossed over CLOVERFIELD. I thought it was the most logical script choice thus far this year.

  45. 45
    Mark Says:

    I have to agree with the above posters. Do Jurassic Park. Not because its a bad movie, it isn’t, just because there are a few ehhhh moments that bothered me and we’ve all seen it. Please!

  46. 46
    Skitzoid Says:

    Looking over what’s already been suggested, I’d cast my vote for any of the Jurassic Park films or No Country for Old Men (great film but filled with mockable material).

    My own suggestions would be for Interview With a Vampire, Serenity (I love that film, but damn if it ain’t divisive) and the Indiana Jones series (some of my favourite movies of all time)

  47. 47
    JW Says:

    I’d have to suggest Cloverfield, 30 Days of Night, Beowulf, or AVP: Requiem. All ripe for ripping

  48. 48
    Noe Says:

    I wanna see a Burton Batman abridged script and a Batman Begins abridged script.

  49. 49
    Just some guy Says:

    Juno and There Will Be Blood should provide more than plenty of material for parody. Especially There Will Be Blood would be nice to see, it’s good film but damn it’s weird!

  50. 50
    The Silent Shadow Says:

    I always loved the idea for a War of the Worlds (the new one of course) parody script. While it doesn’t mock itself, many of the plot points are clearly not thought through.

  51. 51
    Eric Says:

    CLOVERFIELD.

    NUFF SAID.

  52. 52
    Maria Says:

    Another vote for Attonement from me!

  53. 53
    Brendan Says:

    The Brave One
    Eastern Promises

  54. 54
    Tyallie Says:

    I think both Juno and Sweeney Todd would be good. Juno, because it’s been so popular, and Sweeney Todd because it was one of those weird, cult-type films that half of everyone loves, and half of everyone hates. I disagree with the person that said you shouldn’t abridge cult movies. Sci-fi movies are cult of another kind, and you don’t shy away from those.

  55. 55
    AJ Says:

    Hitman.

    Most of the scenes and plotpoints in that movie are ripped of other movies, making for a lot of opportunities

  56. 56
    Sean C Says:

    SO MUCH PRESSURE. Uh, I dunno. Vantage Point. The Darjeeling Limited. Adventures in Babysitting?

  57. 57
    Alex Says:

    The original Saw, the Indiana Jones movies.

  58. 58
    Nick Sanford Says:

    Juno would be hilarious. And by the way, it’s Citizen Kane, not Cane. Just thought I’d point that out.

  59. 59
    Stephen Says:

    30 Days of Night. That film needs to be brought down a peg. You can’t fit 20 days into a 2 hour film

  60. 60
    Stephen Says:

    …30 days

  61. 61
    Halogirl Says:

    X2 and Spiderman-2. Yes, both are very superior films, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be poked fun at. :) (Particularly X2. I agree that Spiderman 2 has almost no flaws…the only “flaw” I saw in that film is that perhaps Raimie was a bit too sympathetic to Doc Ock, who could have been a little more ruthless and scary.)

  62. 62
    Halogirl Says:

    Also, although I am a HUUUUUUUGE (repeat: HUGE) fan of this film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind might be amusing. I know Rod would do a great job. ;)

  63. 63
    Halogirl Says:

    Sorry, one more: ;)

    Little Miss Sunshine: one of my fave movies of all time, but would still be cool to see an abridged script.

  64. 64
    Stu Says:

    The Oceans 11 remake and sequels might be fun to abridge, since while I found the first and third ones entertaining, the second one hinged on a stupid plot twist, and all of them depend on Ocean and the gang never actually screwing up, and using ludicrous, convoluted, and perfectly executed plans in every aspect of the job to succeed.

  65. 65
    Sean C Says:

    Sunshine, while we’re suggesting movies with the word ’sunshine’ in the title.
    Oh, I already went, FUCK

  66. 66
    random bob, a.r.c. Says:

    Pathfinder. Utterly gay, it’s just asking for it.

    Ha. I almost feel bad saying it, thinking I might be condemning someone to actually watching that shit of a stick.

  67. 67
    random bob, a.r.c. Says:

    Know what? No Country would be a good one, too. It’s way way WAY overrated, and I think it’d be fun to watch you tear it apart. Though you could probably get away with one of your 4-5 liners for it.

    1) TOMMY LEE JONES EXPLAINS THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.
    2) STUFF HAPPENS THAT’S ONLY MARGINALLY RELATED TO THE POINT OF THE FILM
    3) TOMMY LEE JONES’ WHEELCHAIR FRIEND RE-EXPLAINS THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE
    4) TOMMY LEE JONES TELLS US A DREAM.
    5) THE. END.

    OK, let the badgering begin…. NOW!

  68. 68
    Homero Says:

    Any of the Resident Evil movies would be pretty comical as far as satirical scripts go.

  69. 69
    Billy Says:

    Juno

  70. 70
    Khan Says:

    There Will Be Blood or Scarface

  71. 71
    Jake Says:

    Hellraiser. V for Vendetta. Pan’s Labyrinth.

    Don’t bother with any of the Evil Dead movies, I honestly don’t think that would work out well.

  72. 72
    Chris S. Says:

    I agree with No Country for Old Men. Also, Million Dollar Baby.

  73. 73
    Ben Says:

    White Noise or White Noise 2

  74. 74
    Jeff, God of Biscuits Says:

    Liking some of the ideas here (Jurassic Park, The Other Boleyn Girl), disagreeing with others (Shoot ‘Em Up wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, so I can’t see the point in mocking it, see also: Crank). My suggestion is National Treasure 2, such indefendable horseshit.

  75. 75
    Miriam Says:

    “No country for old men”
    “Next”
    “Sunshine”
    “Hellboy”
    “Cloverfield”
    “Shoot`em up”

  76. 76
    Mike Says:

    American Beauty. It’s really pretensious and “ground breaking” in a formulaic kind of way, and everybody seems to love it and I have absolutely no idea why. It could stand to be taken down a peg or two.

  77. 77
    MrP Says:

    How about “No country for old men”? Much as that was a really good movie, it has some weird stuff happening, and the ending is especially contested.

  78. 78
    Matt H Says:

    The Princess Bride. Everyone pretty much loves it, it will be great to see what you come up with.

  79. 79
    Alex Says:

    The Saw movies are a good choice, or perhaps The Punisher or some of the other comic book movies (Hellboy, LXG, Blade 2 & 3, Batman Begins)

    Also The Island

  80. 80
    Phixius Says:

    Stephen said: “30 Days of Night. That film needs to be brought down a peg. You can’t fit 20 days into a 2 hour film”

    I submit to you:

    Harry Potter and all the Half-Plot Movies
    The Shawshank Redemption
    Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
    Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
    Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
    Mr. Holland’s Opus

    I could go on.

    What do all these films have in common? While they are all a little more than two hours long, they do manage to fit substantially more than 20 days into that two and a half to three hours. Nine months for each HP (although, admittedly, this is the weakest example), twenty or so years for Shawshank, about five months per Ring, and an entire career in Opus. They also do it without skipping enormous, decade long chunks of time.
    So while I agree, 30 Days of Night was overrated, that fact that it takes place over a month has nothing to do with it’s poor quality.

  81. 81
    rat_bastard Says:

    I think there are Micheal Bay films you have not done, as painful is it may be for you I feel you should complete his catalog. “The Rock”, “Bad Boys” I and II and “Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall” all probably have shit exploding for stupid reasons.

  82. 82
    Liquidcow Says:

    @ Mike - I agree about American Beauty, but it has already been done by a contributor, not Rod but still, that might be a reason that he wouldn’t do it.

    @Phixius - Exactly, I thought that comment about 20 days was a bit odd… pretty much any good biopic disproves that, and there are countless brilliant movies set over a longer period.

    I couldn’t disagree more with people slagging of No Country… th ending was perfect in my opinion.

  83. 83
    TTJT Says:

    I’d love to see you tear apart some 70s-80s slasher horrors like Halloween, Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm street.

    Or perhaps A clockwork orange or some other classic.

    From the recent films, American gangster and No country could be great. Both good films, but both hold great innate parody value.

  84. 84
    Mr T Says:

    Southland Tales
    Southland Tales
    Southland Tales

    You’ve just gotta do Southland Tales.

    Richard Kelly is just begging you to rip the sh1t out of this pretentious incoherent excuse for a movie.

  85. 85
    Evan Says:

    Beo-fucking-wulf. I know it’s been said repeatedly, but I just rented it and I couldn’t resist suggesting it because i found sooooo much to rip on. Especially the completely un-thought-out dragon slaying part… in which his arm suddenly can reach further than his sword AND his arm combined could… ugh.

    Additionally, even though I enjoyed it to a point, Across the Universe would be a good one to do.

    And any of those obnoxious Will Ferrell slapstick pieces o’ shit, such as, but not limited to, Semi-Pro, Blades of Fury, Talladega Nights…

  86. 86
    Aaron Says:

    I can’t believe nobody has mentioned The Bucket List. That movie was hated by critics, adored by the masses, but it begs for the full Rod treatment.

  87. 87
    ameer Says:

    Batman Begins, or American Gangster

  88. 88
    Pooge Says:

    Tideland.

    Seriously, whatthefuck.

  89. 89
    Tom Says:

    Halogirl Says:

    X2 and Spiderman-2. Yes, both are very superior films, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be poked fun at. :) (Particularly X2. I agree that Spiderman 2 has almost no flaws…the only “flaw” I saw in that film is that perhaps Raimie was a bit too sympathetic to Doc Ock, who could have been a little more ruthless and scary.)

    That was a joke, right? It had to have been. No one could seriously think… really?

  90. 90
    MDB Says:

    I was surprised to find Donnie Darko wasn’t in the archives….

    But I agree with several suggestions above, especially Jurassic Park and its ‘pink boxes’ version of Unix.

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