Suggest A Movie
So, this time of year is always a really boring time for movies. All of the brainless action movies are being held off until summertime, and all of the pretentious oscar-grabbers came out months ago. Basically the studios just stand around with their dicks in their hands for the next few months, and that makes me bored.
So I’m trying something new. Suggest a movie for me to watch and abridge (or just abridge if I’ve seen it). Just leave a comment on this post making a suggestion for what’s next.
The way I plan for this to work is: I’ll read all of your comments and pick movies from them that I think would be good candidates for abridgement. Then I’ll make a poll on the sidebar and visitors can pick one of the movies from the list, and then I’ll, like, write down what happens in screenplay format with fart jokes.
Here are some guidelines:
- Don’t suggest Doomsday or 10,00 B.C. Doomsday is the next script anyway, and 10,000 B.C. is one I want to abridge if I ever get around to it. Also don’t suggest Harry Potter 7 or whatever it is, since I already committed to doing that one months ago.
- Don’t suggest totally random movies that you and your stupid friends rented while high that one time. If I’ve never even heard of the movie, I’ll filter it right out before it goes into the poll.
- Don’t suggest amazing movies that would be impossible to abridge because they lack flaws. Like don’t suggest Citizen Kane and then be surprised when I call you an asshat.
- Similarly, don’t suggest movies that are so mind-blowingly stupid that I’d have virtually nothing to say about them. Like, what am I gonna say about Batman and Robin? That movie mocks itself.
If I don’t put your suggestion in the poll, don’t whine about it, it probably violated one of those guidelines above or one of the hundreds of internal guidelines I have in my head and decided not to share.
Update: Holy shit, I got a lot of responses to this. Alright, finish making your suggestions by end of day Sunday. I’ll put the poll up by Monday.
Updatier Update: Alright, poll is up. Comments are closed. Thanks for participating, everyone.
Updatiest Update: Looks like Cloverfield and Juno both did extremely well in the poll. I guess I’ll just do them both. Thanks for playing, everyone.
rambo 4.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:59 amrambo 4? Can we say asshat?
What about Showgirls?
March 14th, 2008 at 11:07 amthe last legion
March 14th, 2008 at 11:07 amWow, does the first poster even READ this site?
I’d suggest Sweeney Todd, but that’s actually a pretty damn good film. I’d recommend Be Kind Rewind because it’s a one-trick pony and Jack Black really, really irritates me, but your mileage may vary.
If you want my honest thoughts, try The Other Boleyn Girl. Utterly mediocre in every way, it’s riddled with more historical inaccuracies than I’ve seen in any other film to date. And the idea of characterisation seems to be ‘make all of the other characters REALLY EEEVIL so that the title character seems better by comparison’. You could really rip this apart.
Or, if you’re stuck for ideas entirely, I could send you my own abridged screenplay for Highlander 5, which was released last year.
March 14th, 2008 at 12:00 pmI think Tyler Perry is coming out with another film. I hate his films.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:00 pmFor my money, movies don’t get much worse than 2004’s Chronicles of Riddick. Pitch black was great, I wen’t to see the sequel hoping for more of the same.
I left the cinema feeling violated.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:04 pmvomitous writing, hideous acting…
worst sequel ever.
Why not do something classic, like the Evil Dead movies?
As to movies in theaters, Vantage Point will be awesomely bad.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:06 pmJurassic Park and The Lost World
March 14th, 2008 at 1:18 pmAtonement. Love in the time of cholera. Superbad. Juno. Cloverfield. I’ll go on later…
March 14th, 2008 at 1:22 pmAs a matter of fact, I’d have to agree with SomeGuy. Jurassic Park (especially The Lost World) would be a very fun read.
The Lost World felt like taking it in the rear by a phallus-shaped nuclear bomb while hearing the smell of cheese. It was that bad.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:03 pmI’d love to see an abridged script for The Road Warrior or perhaps Sin City. The Fifth Element would also be great. Or X-Men 2 / Spider-Man 2, I was disappointed that you missed those two.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:32 pmThe Big Lebowski. Or someone else said with the Evil Dead series, specifically Army of Darkness.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:57 pmThis might be too easy to make fun of, but how about “Stealth”?
March 14th, 2008 at 3:25 pmJuno.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pmReally, beacause it is both a great film, and has some really big flaws. Such as the horrendus plugging of “sunny-D” and “tic-tacs”, which although was not too bad, and fittet quite well into the character and the themse and stuff, really could get abridged quite funilly. Really, i think you could do a great job on it. Whatever you do, please dont go for something “cult”, people will either not have seen it, or they will love it.
TR - surely Showgirls is the definition of a movie that mocks itself.
Although I was pleasantly surprised by it, I think there’s plenty to mock in Sweeny Todd.
Here’s a mixed bag of suggestions, some old, some new, some good, some bad:
Requiem for a Dream
March 14th, 2008 at 3:55 pmJuno
Brick
Tideland
Atonement
The Lives of Others
Syriana
Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV
Oops I thought I put paragraph breaks between titles in that post, sorry, should have put commas there instead.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pmAtonement
or Kung-fu hustle..whatever it’s called..that’s a cool flick, the one with the ‘axe gang’ Classic movie.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:18 pmNo brainer - NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.
What did I win?
March 14th, 2008 at 5:07 pmHehe. I was also going to say The Other Boleyn Girl or Juno, but only so that you would have to suffer through it, because as your sister that would clearly be funny for ME.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:54 pmBeowulf could use a good ripping upon.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:03 pmHow about the Number 23? It was almost unwatchable because of the rampant “horror” “thriller” “psych” cliches.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:44 pmplanet terror/death proof
never back down
The Last King of Scotland
Pretty in Pink
Cloverfield
March 14th, 2008 at 6:52 pmI agree with a poster above - How about Juno? Ya, my wife loved it as well but for me I couldn’t get past the smart ass 16-year old who think and talks like a bitter, crusty 30-year old. Just saying…
March 14th, 2008 at 6:55 pmJuno’s too easy
Clerks 2
Dirty Dancing
Labyrinth
Goonies
Demolition Man
Ferris Bueller
The Jerk
Police Academy :D
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Perfume
Could go on…
March 14th, 2008 at 8:24 pmFinish the Bourne movies.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:45 pmDeath Sentence, Enchanted, The Mist, Awake, Juno, Knocked Up, Superbad, Clerks 2…
I’d say Date Movie/Epic Movie, but I’d be giving you nothing to work with. Not to mention I wouldn’t want you to burn your eyeballs out by the halfway mark. You might need those eyes one day.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:47 pmGoing along with a lot of the suggestions here, I think it’s a generally good policy to choose movies that are well regarded (especially by pretentious critics and people who want to convince you they are super-cultured) but are really pretty mediocre. My nomination in that category would have to be Lars and the Real Girl, although I didn’t see Juno of NCFOM.
If you’re willing to get historical in that category (although this might be a stretch), I’d love to see a Gone with the Wind abridgment.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:10 pmI would ask for any of the following: No Country, Beowulf, Vantage Point or American Gangster. ESPECIALLY Beowulf or Gangster.
And I am so very happy to see that Doomsday will soon be getting a sword through its heart here on your site.
THANK YOU.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:54 pmEvil dead, would be great. And Americal Gangster because I need to get somthing back for paying to see it.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:09 pmAliens vs Predator:Requiem
March 14th, 2008 at 10:10 pmGodfather 3
March 14th, 2008 at 10:22 pmThe Saw movies.
Funny Games (U.S. version). Really freaking weird movie.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:10 pmI would love to see an abridged script for There Will Be Blood. It’s a great film but it could be made into a riotously hilarious, flaw-poking abridged screenplay.
It seems like a lot of people around here want Juno to be abridged and I think that would be pretty funny. A good film, but easily mocked.
Many of the funniest and boldest abridged scripts are for films that are supposed to be next-to-sacred new releases like The Departed.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:38 pmOut of the suggestions above, I’d like to see Atonement and Juno simply because they’re so overrated. I’d also like to see Before Sunrise abridged but that favourite of mine is probably too obscure.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:16 ami’d love to read your take on “death proof”, “donnie darko” or “the boondock saints”.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:09 amPlease do D-wars. I´d love to see what you can do with it.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:15 amTop Gun
March 15th, 2008 at 6:54 amThe Frighteners
Narnia
Eragon
30 days of night or beowulf
March 15th, 2008 at 8:12 amI second (or 3rd, 4th, whatever) Juno. Though it would be interesting to see you work your magic on No Country.
March 15th, 2008 at 8:19 amHow about Hitman?
March 15th, 2008 at 8:20 amShoot Em Up. Terrible movie, but amazing cast. I dunno how the hell they agreed to do that piece of shit.
March 15th, 2008 at 8:58 amDefinitely JUNO - it’s such a bad movie, I know you must hate it too, Rod. You gotta make fun of all the Juno-obsessed people, “such a phenomenon,” please. I’d also enjoy a joke Cloverfield (like it wasn’t already a joke?) and American Gangster (just terrible).
March 15th, 2008 at 9:46 amThe Big Lebowski
The Downfall (That’s going to be fun!)
The Simpsons Movie (You know you want to do this one!)
Any Matt Stone/Trey Parker Movie:
March 15th, 2008 at 10:09 amSouthpark The Movie
Team America - World Police
I have to admit, I was shocked that you glossed over CLOVERFIELD. I thought it was the most logical script choice thus far this year.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:29 amI have to agree with the above posters. Do Jurassic Park. Not because its a bad movie, it isn’t, just because there are a few ehhhh moments that bothered me and we’ve all seen it. Please!
March 15th, 2008 at 10:41 amLooking over what’s already been suggested, I’d cast my vote for any of the Jurassic Park films or No Country for Old Men (great film but filled with mockable material).
My own suggestions would be for Interview With a Vampire, Serenity (I love that film, but damn if it ain’t divisive) and the Indiana Jones series (some of my favourite movies of all time)
March 15th, 2008 at 11:16 amI’d have to suggest Cloverfield, 30 Days of Night, Beowulf, or AVP: Requiem. All ripe for ripping
March 15th, 2008 at 11:42 amI wanna see a Burton Batman abridged script and a Batman Begins abridged script.
March 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pmJuno and There Will Be Blood should provide more than plenty of material for parody. Especially There Will Be Blood would be nice to see, it’s good film but damn it’s weird!
March 15th, 2008 at 1:02 pmI always loved the idea for a War of the Worlds (the new one of course) parody script. While it doesn’t mock itself, many of the plot points are clearly not thought through.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:25 pmCLOVERFIELD.
NUFF SAID.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:49 pmAnother vote for Attonement from me!
March 15th, 2008 at 1:56 pmThe Brave One
March 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pmEastern Promises
I think both Juno and Sweeney Todd would be good. Juno, because it’s been so popular, and Sweeney Todd because it was one of those weird, cult-type films that half of everyone loves, and half of everyone hates. I disagree with the person that said you shouldn’t abridge cult movies. Sci-fi movies are cult of another kind, and you don’t shy away from those.
March 15th, 2008 at 4:38 pmHitman.
Most of the scenes and plotpoints in that movie are ripped of other movies, making for a lot of opportunities
March 15th, 2008 at 4:42 pmSO MUCH PRESSURE. Uh, I dunno. Vantage Point. The Darjeeling Limited. Adventures in Babysitting?
March 15th, 2008 at 4:48 pmThe original Saw, the Indiana Jones movies.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:34 pmJuno would be hilarious. And by the way, it’s Citizen Kane, not Cane. Just thought I’d point that out.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:44 pm30 Days of Night. That film needs to be brought down a peg. You can’t fit 20 days into a 2 hour film
March 15th, 2008 at 6:06 pm…30 days
March 15th, 2008 at 6:07 pmX2 and Spiderman-2. Yes, both are very superior films, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be poked fun at. :) (Particularly X2. I agree that Spiderman 2 has almost no flaws…the only “flaw” I saw in that film is that perhaps Raimie was a bit too sympathetic to Doc Ock, who could have been a little more ruthless and scary.)
March 15th, 2008 at 6:24 pmAlso, although I am a HUUUUUUUGE (repeat: HUGE) fan of this film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind might be amusing. I know Rod would do a great job. ;)
March 15th, 2008 at 6:27 pmSorry, one more: ;)
Little Miss Sunshine: one of my fave movies of all time, but would still be cool to see an abridged script.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:29 pmThe Oceans 11 remake and sequels might be fun to abridge, since while I found the first and third ones entertaining, the second one hinged on a stupid plot twist, and all of them depend on Ocean and the gang never actually screwing up, and using ludicrous, convoluted, and perfectly executed plans in every aspect of the job to succeed.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:43 pmSunshine, while we’re suggesting movies with the word ’sunshine’ in the title.
March 15th, 2008 at 7:27 pmOh, I already went, FUCK
Pathfinder. Utterly gay, it’s just asking for it.
Ha. I almost feel bad saying it, thinking I might be condemning someone to actually watching that shit of a stick.
March 15th, 2008 at 8:13 pmKnow what? No Country would be a good one, too. It’s way way WAY overrated, and I think it’d be fun to watch you tear it apart. Though you could probably get away with one of your 4-5 liners for it.
1) TOMMY LEE JONES EXPLAINS THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.
2) STUFF HAPPENS THAT’S ONLY MARGINALLY RELATED TO THE POINT OF THE FILM
3) TOMMY LEE JONES’ WHEELCHAIR FRIEND RE-EXPLAINS THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE
4) TOMMY LEE JONES TELLS US A DREAM.
5) THE. END.
OK, let the badgering begin…. NOW!
March 15th, 2008 at 8:36 pmAny of the Resident Evil movies would be pretty comical as far as satirical scripts go.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:22 pmJuno
March 15th, 2008 at 10:49 pmThere Will Be Blood or Scarface
March 15th, 2008 at 11:18 pmHellraiser. V for Vendetta. Pan’s Labyrinth.
Don’t bother with any of the Evil Dead movies, I honestly don’t think that would work out well.
March 15th, 2008 at 11:24 pmI agree with No Country for Old Men. Also, Million Dollar Baby.
March 16th, 2008 at 12:40 amWhite Noise or White Noise 2
March 16th, 2008 at 6:01 amLiking some of the ideas here (Jurassic Park, The Other Boleyn Girl), disagreeing with others (Shoot ‘Em Up wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, so I can’t see the point in mocking it, see also: Crank). My suggestion is National Treasure 2, such indefendable horseshit.
March 16th, 2008 at 6:17 am“No country for old men”
March 16th, 2008 at 6:20 am“Next”
“Sunshine”
“Hellboy”
“Cloverfield”
“Shoot`em up”
American Beauty. It’s really pretensious and “ground breaking” in a formulaic kind of way, and everybody seems to love it and I have absolutely no idea why. It could stand to be taken down a peg or two.
March 16th, 2008 at 6:37 amHow about “No country for old men”? Much as that was a really good movie, it has some weird stuff happening, and the ending is especially contested.
March 16th, 2008 at 6:39 amThe Princess Bride. Everyone pretty much loves it, it will be great to see what you come up with.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:35 amThe Saw movies are a good choice, or perhaps The Punisher or some of the other comic book movies (Hellboy, LXG, Blade 2 & 3, Batman Begins)
Also The Island
March 16th, 2008 at 8:18 amStephen said: “30 Days of Night. That film needs to be brought down a peg. You can’t fit 20 days into a 2 hour film”
I submit to you:
Harry Potter and all the Half-Plot Movies
The Shawshank Redemption
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Mr. Holland’s Opus
I could go on.
What do all these films have in common? While they are all a little more than two hours long, they do manage to fit substantially more than 20 days into that two and a half to three hours. Nine months for each HP (although, admittedly, this is the weakest example), twenty or so years for Shawshank, about five months per Ring, and an entire career in Opus. They also do it without skipping enormous, decade long chunks of time.
March 16th, 2008 at 8:54 amSo while I agree, 30 Days of Night was overrated, that fact that it takes place over a month has nothing to do with it’s poor quality.
I think there are Micheal Bay films you have not done, as painful is it may be for you I feel you should complete his catalog. “The Rock”, “Bad Boys” I and II and “Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall” all probably have shit exploding for stupid reasons.
March 16th, 2008 at 11:29 am@ Mike - I agree about American Beauty, but it has already been done by a contributor, not Rod but still, that might be a reason that he wouldn’t do it.
@Phixius - Exactly, I thought that comment about 20 days was a bit odd… pretty much any good biopic disproves that, and there are countless brilliant movies set over a longer period.
I couldn’t disagree more with people slagging of No Country… th ending was perfect in my opinion.
March 16th, 2008 at 11:29 amI’d love to see you tear apart some 70s-80s slasher horrors like Halloween, Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm street.
Or perhaps A clockwork orange or some other classic.
From the recent films, American gangster and No country could be great. Both good films, but both hold great innate parody value.
March 16th, 2008 at 12:22 pmSouthland Tales
Southland Tales
Southland Tales
You’ve just gotta do Southland Tales.
Richard Kelly is just begging you to rip the sh1t out of this pretentious incoherent excuse for a movie.
March 16th, 2008 at 12:27 pmBeo-fucking-wulf. I know it’s been said repeatedly, but I just rented it and I couldn’t resist suggesting it because i found sooooo much to rip on. Especially the completely un-thought-out dragon slaying part… in which his arm suddenly can reach further than his sword AND his arm combined could… ugh.
Additionally, even though I enjoyed it to a point, Across the Universe would be a good one to do.
And any of those obnoxious Will Ferrell slapstick pieces o’ shit, such as, but not limited to, Semi-Pro, Blades of Fury, Talladega Nights…
March 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pmI can’t believe nobody has mentioned The Bucket List. That movie was hated by critics, adored by the masses, but it begs for the full Rod treatment.
March 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pmBatman Begins, or American Gangster
March 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pmTideland.
Seriously, whatthefuck.
March 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pmHalogirl Says:
X2 and Spiderman-2. Yes, both are very superior films, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be poked fun at. :) (Particularly X2. I agree that Spiderman 2 has almost no flaws…the only “flaw” I saw in that film is that perhaps Raimie was a bit too sympathetic to Doc Ock, who could have been a little more ruthless and scary.)
That was a joke, right? It had to have been. No one could seriously think… really?
March 16th, 2008 at 5:36 pmI was surprised to find Donnie Darko wasn’t in the archives….
But I agree with several suggestions above, especially Jurassic Park and its ‘pink boxes’ version of Unix.
March 16th, 2008 at 5:43 pm