"Where is the fucker in charge of wardrobe?"


"Where is the fucker in charge of wardrobe?"

STRAW DOGS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. BAR IN THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH

KATE BOSWORTH and her husband JAMES MARSDEN drive into KATE'S hometown and enter a bar called BLACKIES.

KATE BOSWORTH

I've only been in town 2 seconds but I see everyone I used to know when I lived here an undisclosed amount of time ago. Also, the name of this bar is disturbing.

JAMES MARSDEN

The idea of a fried pickle is appalling to me. Where the shit are we?

KATE BOSWORTH

The South dear. The place with a lot of local drunks, stereotypical simpletons, places that don't accept credit cards, and shady ex-boyfriends.

KATE'S shady ex-boyfriend, ALEXANDER SKARSGARD, approaches KATE and JAMES.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Howdy there Katy Kakes and James. I want you to pay me to rebuild the barn roof you lost during that hurricane. And to gaze into your bedroom.

JAMES MARSDEN

Great idea! I'm totally ignoring that Katy Kakes thing.

KATE BOSWORTH

Come again? Lets discuss this together. We're here visiting my hometown from Los Angeles, and we're fixing the home I grew up in. This is my ex, but he could turn out to be some kind of rapist or something. I am visibly very uncomfortable about this.

JAMES MARSDEN

I'm supernaturally unthreatened by the idea that you used to bone Alexander Skarsgard.

INT. KATE'S OLD HOUSE IN THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH

KATE shows JAMES her house, which previously belonged to her DADDY.

KATE BOSWORTH

This was my Daddy's.

(points to some guns)

This was also my Daddy's.

(sits in chair)

Every chair was my Daddy's chair.

JAMES MARSDEN

You're one of those people who says "Daddy"? That's... weird.

KATE BOSWORTH

This is just one of many Southern clichés in this movie.

JAMES tries to write in the kitchen, but a CONSTRUCTION WORKER comes in and gets a beer. KATE is sweaty and wet and sits in front of JAMES eating a red Popsicle.

JAMES MARSDEN

Is it normal for dudes to just walk in the house and grab a beer around here, without asking?

KATE BOSWORTH

Kind of, yeah. But this is your house now, so go tell him to go fuck himself.

JAMES MARSDEN

Actually, since this is apparently your inheritance, it isn't actually my house. But it's fitting with the fucked up gender dynamics of this movie for you to say that.

JAMES talks to ALEXANDER about his rude construction worker friend. ALEXANDER does not care.

JAMES MARSDEN

Holy Christ you're tall. People who have never seen an episode of "True Blood" may be in awe of you right now, which will make them feel wildly uncomfortable later on.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

We're heading out to go hunt. That's what we do here.

INT. BLACKIES AGAIN

DRUNK JAMES WOODS bitches about LOCAL SIMPLETON DOMINIC PURCELL to everyone including DEPUTY LAZ ALONSO. LYNYRD SKYNYRD is playing, because DUH.

DRUNK JAMES WOODS

If he does anything AGAIN imma come kill his ass. I will never say what it was he actually did to justify my belligerent blind hate.

LAZ ALONSO

Dominic seems to think your fifteen-year-old daughter is his girlfriend. That's fucked up. But despite that, he appears to be the least threatening thing in this entire town.

EXT. THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH

KATE goes jogging wearing only a shoestring and ALEXANDER and the other CONSTRUCTION WORKERS stare at her.

RAPE CULTURE

HELLO! I'm this movie's special guest cameo! Kind of like Bill Murray in "Zombieland" except much more disturbing. That queasy feeling in your stomach right now is totally appropriate.

KATE BOSWORTH

My nipples also seem to be a special guest. This isn't going to mix well.

INT. KATE'S HOUSE

KATE talks to JAMES about being gawked at by construction workers.

KATE BOSWORTH

Those guys are fucked up. I realize I don't seem to understand work out clothes, but they were being pretty gross.

JAMES MARSDEN

Maybe you should wear a bra. Be more modest. You know, reaping and sowing. Basically I'm saying that if something horrible happens to you, it will be your fault.

RAPE CULTURE does a cartwheel and lands with jazz hands.

KATE BOSWORTH

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! I'm going to show Alexander and his friends my rack.

JAMES MARSDEN

What I just said really was fucked up, but they have an even worse idea of consent than I do.

Instead of drawing up divorce papers, KATE goes upstairs and flashes ALEXANDER and all his friends her rack.

INT. CHURCH IN THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH.

JAMES and ALEXANDER both stare at KATE.

JAMES MARSDEN

It seems we aren't on the same page in terms of religion. I wonder why we didn't discuss that before we got married. Church sucks. I'm leaving.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Hey, James. I see you left in the middle of church. We praise the Lord baby Jesus in these here parts and everybody has to go along with that or your life will be a living hell.

JAMES MARSDEN

That must be a giant pain in the ass for people who actually live in the deep fucking south and don't share these beliefs.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

It is.

JAMES MARSDEN

And this makes you one of those massive hypocrites.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Right again.

EXT. PICNIC

DRUNK JAMES WOODS' daughter WILLA HOLLAND talks to DOMINIC.

WILLA HOLLAND

Hello Dominic, whatever relationship or history we have together is pretty much a mystery.

DOMINIC PURCELL

I am going to do exactly what I was told and not talk to you.

DRUNK JAMES WOODS

FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER DON'T FUCKING TALK TO HER!!!

DRUNK JAMES WOODS and almost everyone else beat the shit out of DOMINIC because they fucking hate him.

DOMINIC PURCELL

Kate, I think we're in some serious shit here.

KATE BOSWORTH

Yeah, I think so too.

INT. KATE'S HOUSE

KATE and JAMES discover that someone hung their cat.

KATE BOSWORTH

Obviously this was ALEXANDER.

JAMES MARSDEN

Come on now, how do we know that?

KATE BOSWORTH

Because he keeps calling me Katy Kakes. Clearly he's a sociopath.

JAMES MARSDEN

I'm blind to your skepticism about your ex.

JAMES and KATE talk to ALEXANDER and his friends about their dead cat. Nobody cares.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

James, do you want to go hunting with us?

JAMES MARSDEN

I sure would LOVE TO!

KATE BOSWORTH

Wait. What?

They take JAMES hunting but at first ALEXANDER isn't there, but then he is, but then he isn't because he forces his way into KATE'S house.

RAPE CULTURE

Get ready to throw up, you guys!

ALEXANDER RAPES KATE while the camera places soft gentle kisses on his torso as he is FUCKING RAPING her. His friend barges in and RAPES her off-screen because he is way less attractive, but the camera continues to make sweet love to ALEXANDER while he watches KATE get raped.

RAPE CULTURE

I'm a fucking ROCK STAR in this movie.

JAMES kills a deer and realizes everyone has abandoned him. Later when he's home, KATE is wearing clothes to emphasize how little she wore before because this movie is an asshole.

KATE BOSWORTH

Lets leave please.

JAMES MARSDEN

Nah. I'm just going to fire those assholes for leaving me in the woods.

KATE BOSWORTH

Well then lets go watch football. Because when you're in the deep fucking south, you go watch football, even when you have just suffered through a horrendous violent crime.

RAPE CULTURE

Since I'm the star of this movie, everyone should be judging her harshly.

EXT. FOOTBALL GAME

KATE and JAMES go to a football game. ALEXANDER is also there and KATE has flashbacks so they leave. DOMINIC and WILLA go somewhere alone.

WILLA HOLLAND

For some reason I really want to give you a blow job.

DOMINIC PURCELL

That is indicative of a really huge problem for you. Unfortunately, we won't get to that because DRUNK JAMES WOODS just barges and I accidently suffocate you just like Lennie from "Of Mice and Men."

DOMINIC runs away. KATE and JAMES hit him with their car, and then take him to their house.

DRUNK JAMES WOODS

GO FIND DOMINIC YA'LL!!! GASTON, start singing "Kill the Beast" because we are going to fucking get that retard by charging at KATE'S house!

REST OF THE CAST

KILL THE BEAST! As well and Kate and James! And her house!

DRUNK JAMES WOODS blows away DEPUTY LAZ ALONSO. Everyone panics and responds by trying to kill the ever living fuck out of DOMINIC, KATE and JAMES.

JAMES MARSDEN

Holy Shit Kate! Everybody in the town is fucking crazy!

KATE BOSWORTH

They're also really stupid because they just tried to drive a truck through my house.

JAMES MARSDEN kills ALEXANDER by ensnaring his head in a bear trap. Everybody else dies except for KATE and JAMES.

KATE BOSWORTH

Nobody is going to ask what happened to Willa? Isn't she the reason they were all storming up the house anyway?

JAMES MARSDEN

I think we can all agree that nobody in this movie actually cares about violence against women Kate, so just continue being wet and sweaty.

RAPE CULTURE dances with a BOWLER HAT and CANE across the screen.

END

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