FADE IN:

INT. A PARTY

KEVIN BACON, KATHRYN ERBE, and the very-nice-and- certainly-not-at-all-suspicious neighbors are enjoying a party.

KATHRYN’S SISTER

I am a witch or a psychic or some shit. Let me hypnotize you.

KEVIN BACON

Ha! I do not believe in this, but I certainly will by the end of this scene. Do your worst, Warwick.

She hypnotizes BACON, who freaks out.

KEVIN DUNN

You pussy. Ha ha. I thought it was very funny when she stuck the pin in your arm and you only bled out of one side! How did you do that? That’s some talent you have there, Bacon!

BACON continues freaking out and goes home to ignore his son, COLE.

INT. BACON’S HOME

COLE

I see dead people. Right, Samantha?

KATHRYN

We need a babysitter.

COLE

Maybe you should call Debbie.

KATHRYN

Good suggestion, I’ll wonder how the fuck you got that name, but later.

INT. LATER AT NIGHT – BEFORE ANOTHER PARTY

KEVIN BACON

We’re leaving, make sure my son doesn’t see any more dead people. Call Bruce Willis if you need to.

DEBBIE

Bruce Willis…he’s in “The Whole Nine Yards” with Rosanna Arquette, who was in “Hope Floats” with Sandra Bullock, who was in “Speed 2″ with Jason Patric, who was in “Sleepers” with Kevin Bacon! Four degrees of Kevin Bacon!

KEVIN BACON

Shut up.

COLE

Samantha says she can get it in two. Bruce was in “The Player” with Robert Wagner, who was in “Wild Things” with my dad. Two degrees!

KEVIN BACON

God I hate you people. And who the fuck is Samantha?

DEBBIE

Samantha? My sister had that name..

They go another party and weird shit continues happening to BACON while DEBBIE freaks out about the name SAMANTHA, which could easily have nothing whatsoever to do with her sister of the same name, but she’s apparently a little nuts and plus she needs to advance the story.

INT. ANOTHER PARTY OF SOME KIND

KEVIN BACON

Hey, you ever hear of some girl named Samantha? Got kidnapped or some shit.

KEVIN DUNN

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

KEVIN DUNN’S SON

I DO NOT KNOW THE GIRL, OKAY!? LEAVE ME ALONE! AIEEEEEE!

AUDIENCE

I wonder if anyone in this “decent” town has something to do with the girl being kidnapped. And I really wonder if it involves the only other two families in the town that have any actual lines.

INT. KEVIN BACON’S HOME

COLE

Samantha says to dig.

KEVIN BACON

I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed that Samantha desperately wants me to purchase high-quality Minute Maid Orange-Flavored Juice Drink. Minute Maid, the beverage of choice for a new generation of recievers.

(sips)

Ahhh. Now that’s refreshing supernatuality!

KATHRYN

By the way, I talked to some cop about your powers, I’m going to a meeting. See ya.

She leaves.

INT. DARK ALLEY

KATHRYN goes to a Recievers Anonymous Meeting or something, which I won’t even go into here because it’s so ridiculous-looking that it has to be seen, but trust me, it sucked.

INT. KEVIN BACON’S HOME

KEVIN is digging.

KATHRYN

What the shit?

KEVIN BACON

I’m digging.

KATHRYN

Digging for what?

KEVIN BACON

I don’t know, but it’s sure not the dead body of the missing girl Samantha, heh heh.

KATHRYN

Okay, I’m out of here.

KEVIN BACON

Wait! I found the body! It all makes sense now! All of the fucked up scenes have now been tied together! How surprising, the dead body of the kidnapped girl is here and she has been telling my kid what to do in order to give closure to her life so that she can move on to a higher plane!

(pause)

This is nothing whatsoever like Sixth Sense!

KEVIN DUNN

You’ve found me out. We buried her when our sons killed her.

LANDLORD

Yes, we did that. Time to die, Kevin Bacon.

AUDIENCE

What a clever murder mystery…er, I mean.. supernatural thriller, yeah.

KEVIN DUNN shoots the LANDLORD before the LANDLORD shoots BACON.

KEVIN BACON

Murder. Revenge. Coverups. God, what happened to this decent town?

KEVIN DUNN

(sobbing)

I don’t know, ask the film scribe.

SCRIBE/DIRECTOR DAVID KOEPP

Well, I ran out of supernatural stuff, so I decided to make some implausible murder story. I had cool editing though, eh?

AUDIENCE

Is Sixth Sense still playing?

END