FADE IN:

INT. VATICAN

JONATHAN PRYCE

We just got word from the commander. Team Alpha Strike is needed. Some chick seems to be getting the stigmata.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Oh, so she’s just getting wound marks?

JONATHAN PRYCE

Yes, except that wasn’t interesting enough, so we’re stretching the definition of stigmata to include possession or some shit like that.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. VATICAN – A SECOND LATER

GABRIEL BYRNE

I’m on my way, Lieutenant Cardinal.

WILL SMITH

Here come the ministers in black…orthodoxy defenders..

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. FREAKISHLY UGLY LOFT

PATRICIA ARQUETTE takes a bath.

Suddenly, there is a scary loud noise!

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

BIRDS! LIKE, EWW!! BIRDS!! SCARY!

Then she is attacked by an unseen force. Blood goes all over the place. During her attack, BILLY CORGAN and DIRECTOR RUPERT WAINWRIGHT pretend they are making a music video.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. SUBWAY – LATER

PATRICIA is attacked again. It is very clear that she is not doing this to herself.

FRIEND

Hey, what’s going on? Maybe you have some disease.. or you’re crazy. Certainly, you aren’t clearly being attacked by some unseen force.

PATRICIA’S back is sliced open, blood going everywhere.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

SHIT! Red does NOT go with this outfit!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. FREAKISHLY UGLY LOFT – LATER

GABRIEL BYRNE

Well, I’m here to help you.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

I’m an atheist.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Then you can’t have stigmata.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

Oh.

AUDIENCE

Wait, but she does have stigmata, so what’s the explana–

LOUD STUFF STARTS HAPPENING AND THE DIRECTOR IS IN MUSIC VIDEO MODE AGAIN SO THE AUDIENCE CAN’T HEAR THEMSELVES QUESTIONING THE MOVIE AND IT’S VERY LOUD AND SOMEWHAT SCARY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT IS THAT IT IS LOUD LOUD LOUD! LOUD!

The loudness stops, PATRICIA has more wounds.

AUDIENCE

What was I saying? Oh well, look at the pretty colors and high-contrast close-ups!

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

Help me.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Zzzz…

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

GABRIEL!

GABRIEL BYRNE

Oh right, I’m in this movie. Um, I dunno, I’ll call my friend.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. VATICAN CENTRAL HQ – TRANSLATION DIVISION

GABRIEL BYRNE

Hey, what’s going on here?

OLD GUY

Hello Gabriel. I can’t talk, the ridiculously conspiratorial cardinals are monitoring me. All I can tell you is that this other priest guy is taking her body over because he needs to get his message out to the world. He has decoded the words of Jesus himself! They could destroy the church!

GABRIEL BYRNE

What did Jesus say?

OLD GUY

I can’t tell you! It would destroy the church!

GABRIEL BYRNE

This must be some pretty bad shit.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. FREAKISHLY UGLY LOFT

GABRIEL BYRNE

OK, so you’re suffering these attacks because you’re becoming closer to God and shit like that and you hold the key to unlocking the words of Jesus, which could destroy the church.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

Oh. Well, I know the message.

JONATHAN breaks in.

JONATHAN PRYCE

NO! I WILL NOT LET YOU DESTROY MY CHURCH!

He begins to strangle PATRICIA.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

Jesus is just saying you don’t need churches and statues, Jesus is everywhere.

JONATHAN PRYCE

NO! YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME! THAT’S IT, NOW I’M GOING TO GO BE A TELEVANGELIST! MONEEEYYYYY COMETH! TO ME!

He runs off.

GABRIEL BYRNE

That’s it? That’s the big message? I learned that in Sunday school. Everybody knows that.

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

I love you.

The demon or priest or whoever-the-hell was possessing PATRICIA leaves. PATRICIA and GABRIEL kiss.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Fuck celibacy! I’m gonna get some tail!

END