Star Wars: The Clone Wars: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 25th, 2008 |
58 Comments
| Movie: 
Anakin pauses the fighting briefly to snack on his shoulderpad.
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
The movie begins. Instead of the traditional ‘STAR WARS’ logo disappearing into the distance, we see a modernized ‘CLONE WARS’ logo.
AUDIENCE
What …
Instead of the classic Star Wars theme, we hear a remix of the theme.
AUDIENCE
… The …
Instead of an opening text crawl, we are treated to a cheesy NARRATOR that sounds like the guy doing the propaganda ads for STARSHIP TROOPERS talking over overly stylized ANIMATION.
AUDIENCE
… Fuck?!?
JABBA THE HUTT’S UNCLE is an offensive homosexual stereotype.
AUDIENCE
FUCK THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF THIS.
The AUDIENCE leaves to go watch THE DARK KNIGHT again.
END
Relax. Dark Knight gets posted tomorrow.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:56 amyou actually went to see this?
Ahh well; the script was still great, man! Kudos!
August 25th, 2008 at 10:02 amWow, thanks for this, I saved myself 4 bucks! (that’s what movie tickets cost here :D ) but most importantly nearly 2 hours of my life!
August 25th, 2008 at 10:04 amI think this was the only movie I have ever walked out of before it finished…
Script pretty much sums up why I left.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:05 amBad enough to not take my 6-year old nephew to? He has been driving me crazy about it…
August 25th, 2008 at 10:17 amlol, I always automatically click on the continue reading-button with new scripts. I was looking for it for like 5 minutes when I realized the entire script was before my eyes all this time already….
great script btw, you saved me money, Rod. thx again.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:01 amYou could’ve done the script from the trailer. Can’t believe anyone actually went to see this.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:23 amWow…that bad, eh?
August 25th, 2008 at 12:11 pmI thought it was specifically an offensive Truman Capote. I was surprised when one reviewer thought it was a southern black madame.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:25 pmReminds me of the Trade Federation in Phantom when no one could quite figure out who should be offended (”They can’t be Jewish AND Japanese stereotypes”).
This movie cracks me up. It’s like it was SO DIFFICULT for George Lucas to film his last few films entirely in front of a green screen that this time he went without them entirely. Except just like the last movies, the voice actors are terrible. The next movie he makes is going to be yet another retread of the series with computerized voices instead so that actors don’t have to do ANY work. I’m sure that will complete his “vision.”
August 25th, 2008 at 12:50 pmHA HA HA. The Dark Knight line was hilarious, especially since it’s the only movie I’ve watched in the last month. Four times too, dude. Everything else just looks like shit.
Nice work Rod. Keep it up.
August 25th, 2008 at 1:56 pmAwesome. Although, the remix of the theme was pretty badass.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pmYou summed it up pretty well, Rod. Couldn’t understand why my friends liked this film so much.
Although you neglected to mention the annoying female Padawan and Jabba’s son. As if the Star Wars universe needs anymore back story…
August 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pmMy nephew said he wanted to see it so I saw it.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:11 pmYou pretty much summed up my reaction.
The Logo didn’t kill the movie so much, but that narration instead of the crawl…I felt like leaving right then. And neon the hut…
I don’t understand why this was made….
My friend was accosted by Storm Troopers outside the theater opening night. I thought he was talking about Vancouver police but then I remembered George Lucas. Keep milking that franchise ‘tubbers!
August 25th, 2008 at 3:20 pmSo difficult being a Star Wars fan nowadays.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:02 pmOnly vaguely on topic, but the Star Wars scripts are among the best ones here, especially if you like the movies… That said, I never planned on seeing this, and I have yet to hear anything good about it.
August 25th, 2008 at 5:35 pmFond…childhood…memories…finally…dead.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:44 pmThe guy who does voice over work on the propaganda videos from Starship Troopers?
What an oddly specific thing to remember.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:55 pmI can´t believe something like movie this actually exist. Fuck you George Lucas
August 25th, 2008 at 7:33 pmWell, I saw this and I’m not a Star Wars fan anymore. It’s just gotten too hard to like that mess.
Thank you George, I’m finally free to go spend my time and money on other things.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:37 pmI neeed my abridged script fix! Give me Dark Knight or give me death!
August 25th, 2008 at 8:11 pmClone Wars was a miserable experience. Thanks so much for summing it up so perfectly, Rod!
(And yes…I immediately went to go see Dark Knight again to wash the memory of this travesty out of my brain!)
August 25th, 2008 at 9:20 pmLMAO, my 7 year old half brother actually walked out on this movie, and I followed him straight out of the theater with no regret, what a waste of money. I’m done with star wars, thanx Lucas.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:33 pmThe Gennedy Tatrosin.. Tatrosky.. Tatro.. Whatever.. the guy who did Samurai Jack, the Clone Wars shorts he made were awesomesauce by the bucketfull and got me honestly interested in the Star Wars Mythos for the first time since seeing those useless CGI droidamajiggers floating around Mos Eisly for absolutely no reason in the ‘Special Edition’ of A New Hope.
Of course, the original Clone Wars shorts were a peripheral project pretty-much hands-off from Lucas himself. Does everything he touch just turn completely to shit?
August 25th, 2008 at 10:38 pmthanks rod. thanks. sums up the movie to a t. my eyes still bleed from this atrocity.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:21 pmOh man, Rod. You sure hit the nail on the head with this one. So many fans try so hard to enjoy Lucas’s endless train of travesties that he inflicts on his fans. WHY GEORGE?! WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR FANS SO MUCH?!?
August 26th, 2008 at 7:06 amI lasted fifteen minutes into this steaming pile of sewage and fecal matter before I left to immediately go home and have a well deserved shower. Well done epitomising this film Rod.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:56 amClone Wars was an awesome cartoon series by the people who made Samurai Jack, showing that there was indeed promise in the prequels wartime setting.
Clone Wars will now never be remembered as good.
Thanks, Lucas.
I hope you never make anything with the name Star Wars again.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 ami knew this movie was not gonna be like any of the other ones.
it was alright i guess. i missed the theme, the text crawl and the overall feel of the originals and even the prequels.
i dont want to see it again…unlike the dark knight!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:33 pmI took my cousin to see this and it was sooooooooooooo bad.
Fuck you George Lucas
August 26th, 2008 at 11:16 pmI imagine George Lucas like Uncle Scrooge from Ducktales, swimming in a swimming pool of poor Star Wars fans hard earned money.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:47 amNot the worst movie I’ve ever sat through, but this is outright hilarious!!
Personally if I could have done at least two things differently, it would have been: 1) Jabba eats the little Hun upon its return, 2) C-3PO and the attack droid would have had more time to insult each other back and forth over the holographic projector.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pmGood Job Rod, this describes how i felt after watching this crap, right down to the detail about leaving and watching “The Dark Knight” again.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:26 amI’m making a stand and boycotting this movie.
My moral principles line up neatly with my lack of motivation to leave the house.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pmHow is it possible to screw up a movie about the biggest, most pivotal event in the Star Wars universe? Oh yeah, like this.
Lucas, you suck.
August 30th, 2008 at 6:23 amHey now!
It was not that bad! Remember that great bit where… erm…
I liked the pizza i had after it, does that count?
August 30th, 2008 at 7:05 amIs the remix of the star wars theme the one used in the second trailer? I actually like it, lol. Not the movie, the remixed theme. They should hav ehad Jay-Z in there too, “Yo,yo,yo star wars…”. Yeah, sarcasm in case no one notices.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:34 amHi, I´m a medical school student doubling as a ticket puncher in a local cinema during weekends. If anyone is curious, the total ammount of visitors for this movie ammounted last weekend (which was the first the movie was on here) to an astonishing total of…. *drums*… FOUR. Yes. Really.
I was already suspicious of this thing after the trailers, seeing it had worse graphics than modern PC games. On the other hand, one could only hope that, if they have discarded the actors, and have discarded the animators, they might have centered on the story (which is faulty logic; the logical conclusion would be that the storywriters have been discarded as well, as seems to be the case).
Oh well, cest la vie…
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:32 amWell, time to move on to Star Trek.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pmYeah it was the Gay Hutt that made everyone “fuck the shit right outta this!”
September 8th, 2008 at 8:22 pmLike a caller on Jim Rome said,George Lucas needs to officially hang up his lightsaber.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:39 pmRon, strong with the mirth you are :)
September 15th, 2008 at 4:40 pmyeeeeah, i made it about 20 minutes in. And I so wanted to like it, but no, it was awful. terrible. it was the first time i could every accuse an animated movie of being filled with horrible acting.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:37 amWoa! Now I Don’t need to see this movie (Not that I was planning to anyways…)
September 29th, 2008 at 9:34 pmThe best thing I heard about this movie was a friend telling me that she went with her boyfriend just to maintain their nerdiness, but it came down to them making fun of all the fanpeople who were dressing up and other creepy shit. Oh and btw, they didn’t like the movie either ;P
October 17th, 2008 at 7:57 pmThis movie was obviously more for the kids than their parents. My guess is that the opening crawl was scrapped in favor of a narrator because the movie’s target audience **CAN’T READ**. Just a thought. My son’s four, he loved it. I had fun watching him watch the movie, so I liked it by proxy.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:21 pmDid it occur to you Phixius that the original Star Wars movies were also INTENDED FOR KIDS! It’s true. George Lucas himself even admits it in the documentary “Empire of Dreams.” In fact the studios were shocked that parents seemed to like going back to the movie over and over and over again.
December 13th, 2008 at 8:11 pmI came in the middle of the movie on T.V. and turned the channel after about ten minutes. I thought that out of loyalty for the series I should finish it, but….no. Almost worse than Twilight.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:01 pmI came in the middle of the movie on T.V. and turned the channel after about ten minutes. I thought that out of loyalty for the series I should finish it, but….no. Almost worse than Twilight.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:01 pmBlarg: Just because George Lucas “admits” something doesn’t mean it’s true. He lies and makes shit up all the time. The fact is that the original movies were clearly made for teenagers and young adults (need proof? watch them, and then watch Episode 1), and gradually Lucas noticed all the kids who were getting into it, so he started making the stories geared more and more towards them (since kids are willing to buy merchandise more than adults), at the expense of the original audiences (despite the fact that the kids liked what he did in the originals too, so why change?). The result? Star Wars became more and more like a cartoon, until finally it BECAME a cartoon. Here it is. And it sucks.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm“The AUDIENCE leaves to go watch THE DARK KNIGHT again.”
January 6th, 2009 at 8:20 amExactly what I did.
Incidentally, TDK arrived here (”here” being Punta Arenas, Chile: the veritable asshole of the planet) as (BATMAN: EL CABALLERO DE LA NOCHE, which could be translated to english as BATMAN: KNIGHT OF THE NIGHT *PLEASE KILL ME*), thus ruining all the ambiguous (¿is that correctly written?) connotations.
At least in Spain the got it as BATMAN: EL CABALLERO OSCURO.
One assumes they add the “BATEMAN:” (Sorry ’bout it, thought is was funny) for marketing reasons, but it kills the uns and double, or in this case triple entendres.
Rejoice yanks for not having to SUFFER subtitles or dubbings.
I hate to say it, but while I didn’t find the film as good as the live action, I don’t think it deserves such criticism. It was never going to apeal as much to the Adults anyway, however, I know that my little Brother thoroughly enjoyed it and has got in to the EU as a result.
Normally your scripts are good, however, you didn’t do your usual detailed work which was a shame.
January 19th, 2009 at 1:09 pm@Q. Cumber
Yeah, I felt like that too but then I remembered that Rod is a “RABID FAN” of STAR WARS and well, I would’ve done the same: Spit on this piece of movie-crap.
I guess I might feel the same for a Indiana 3D movie…or the ending of the last one.
January 20th, 2009 at 8:24 amOmg! It’s Saber-Scorpion! You f*cking rock dude! I love your halo customs! The capture the flag diorama rocks! Yay for feeling like a little school-girl!
January 20th, 2009 at 8:12 pmI’m still amazed at the fact that Lucas would pick the worst of the prequels to make an animation about it, somebody needs to tell him he has milked his franchise a bit too far. I’m also amazed that the wood-puppet-like Anakin animated character actually shows a less wooden acting than Hayden Christensen himself.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:40 pmI think Lucas should sell the franchise to someone else. The new owner could then get a good director to “re-imagine” the series.
J.J. Abrams now has a track record for that kind of thing…..
May 19th, 2009 at 12:15 pmThis is pretty much how it happened for me, but since I was one of three people in the theater on opening day of the movie, they would have seen me go into The Dark Knight. Thanks for bringing back memories!
July 13th, 2009 at 6:51 pm