"Shooting my cock off won't change the fact that I totally tapped that, Captain."


"Shooting my cock off won't change the fact that I totally tapped that, Captain."

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. ENTERPRISE

The crew sits around, waiting for a plot...er.. "exploring" the vast depths of space, which appear to look exactly like the rest of space.

PATRICK STEWART

Help me reroute my negative tracefields through the processor directive! STAT!

MICHAEL DORN

Sir, we've found a planet surrounded by rings. It appears to be giving off a strange radiation. It makes anything near it younger.

PATRICK STEWART

How is that possible?

MICHAEL DORN

Well, in terms nobody can understand to make the explanation seem feasible: The positively ionic banana split ate twelve under cheese with bat router emotions lift and whores.

PATRICK STEWART

I see..

INT. BAD GUY SHIP

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

I will be taking over that planet soon, to keep myself looking younger.

ANTHONY ZERBE

I will help you, to pursue my own greedy, capitalist interests.

He presses a button for an intercom kind of thing.

PATRICK STEWART

(over intercom)

Yes, admiral?

ANTHONY ZERBE

I want you to leave that fountain of youth planet alone, or I'll kill you.

PATRICK STEWART

Hmm. Well, now that you say that, I better go down there and take a look.

ANTHONY ZERBE

If you do that, you will be disobeying a direct order!

PATRICK STEWART

I disobey a direct order every movie and episode. You should be used to it by now.

ANTHONY ZERBE

Yeah, you're right. But we're going to shoot your ass down.

PATRICK STEWART

I assumed as much.

INT. ENTERPRISE

PATRICK and BRENT are beamed down to the planet. SUDDENLY, part of the main hull explodes.

JONATHAN FRAKES

We've been hit!

Every single object on the ship that is tubelike in its nature begins shooting smoke out. Everything silver begins shooting sparks.

JONATHAN FRAKES

LAVAR, DO SOMETHING!!

LAVAR BURTON

Butterfly in the sky... I can fly twice as high...

JONATHAN FRAKES

What the hell?

MICHAEL DORN

Sir, it appears as though the rings are making us all younger. LaVar seems to be reverting back to the days when he did 'Reading Rainbow.' Meanwhile, I have developed acne and my hair has started growing.... upstairs and down.

JONATHAN FRAKES

That's disgusting.

(pause)

WHOA!

MICHAEL DORN

What is it, captain?

JONATHAN FRAKES

I just realized..I AM REALLY HORNY!

MARINA SIRTIS

My breasts have gotten firmer!

JONATHAN and MARINA grab each other and run to the "AUXILLARY DWELLING ZONE -O- LOVE"

The Enterprise begins rocking.

EXT. FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH PLANET

DONNA MURPHY

Well, hello Captain Stewart. In case you didn't notice, on this planet, everyone remains young. That doesn't really matter, though. It won't be expanded upon in any way, but will simply be the plot point which the bad guys use to try to take our planet over.

Suddenly, PATRICK'S watch lights up. It's the ADMIRAL.

ANTHONY ZERBE

Captain Stewart, these ugly Mozart- killing beings want to move these people to another planet and take over the fountain of youth. Leave now.

PATRICK STEWART

Negative. Those Mozart-killers don't matter.

NERDY AUDIENCE

Yeah! You tell em, captain!

ANTHONY ZERBE

Dammit, there are over a million of them and only 600 of these hippie punks that we're moving. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"?

PATRICK STEWART

Yes, it was in another Star Trek movie. But I don't care about logic, I am going to protect these people. Donna here is REALLY hot and I want to have hot, wild sex with her.

He turns the watch off.

PATRICK STEWART

Ok, let's move these people out. Everyone go up to those scenic mountains!

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE

BRENT SPINER

We'll be safe as long as we're here.

AUDIENCE

Hey..I know that place. I vacationed there last summer.

BRENT SPINER

No you didn't. This is another planet.

AUDIENCE

No it's not. It's a mountain range in-

BRENT SPINER

ANOTHER PLANET! Shut up. Now, let us all boogie.

BRENT, PATRICK, and the HIPPIE PUNKS all start dancing for no reason.

INT. BAD GUY SHIP

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

DAMN IT! That's it, they're going down. Vile henchman, beam me down to that planet.. and give me some kind of device which will enable me to blow up my ship while I'm down there.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Now, captain, you die.

Suddenly, BRENT takes his EXPLODING DEVICE!

BRENT SPINER

Neener neener!

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Hey, give that back, doodyhead!

As he lunges toward BRENT, BRENT throws the device to PATRICK.

PATRICK STEWART

(singing)

Monkey in the middle! Monkey in the middle!

(throws it to Brent)

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

CUT IT OUT! If I lose that, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble.

BRENT SPINER

(catching it)

HA HA!

BRENT pushes the button on it.

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!

The ship explodes, loudly, and with horrible special effects. Shards of the ship shoot by stars, which are apparently very small in the Star Trek world.

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

You guys really suck!

PATRICK STEWART

(into watch)

LaVar, beam us back up.

LAVAR BURTON

Take a look.. it's in a book.. reading rainbow.

While PATRICK is distracted and confused, F. MURRAY ABRAHAM grabs DONNA MURPHY and takes her hostage.

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Har har!

PATRICK shoots F. MURRAY ABRAHAM in the head with a 'WACKY-RAY GUN' and upon doing so, the many stretched layers of his face stretch out and engulf his head. The skin continues to engulf the rest of his body until he vanishes.

BRENT SPINER

Now that's what I call using one's head.

PATRICK STEWART

(laughing)

Oh, Brent!

END

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