Star Trek: Insurrection: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Dec 11th, 1998 |
6 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. ENTERPRISE
The crew sits around, waiting for a plot…er.. “exploring” the vast depths of space, which appear to look exactly like the rest of space.
PATRICK STEWART
Help me reroute my negative tracefields through the processor directive! STAT!
MICHAEL DORN
Sir, we’ve found a planet surrounded by rings. It appears to be giving off a strange radiation. It makes anything near it younger.
PATRICK STEWART
How is that possible?
MICHAEL DORN
Well, in terms nobody can understand to make the explanation seam feasible: The positively ionic banana split ate twelve under cheese with bat router emotions lift and whores.
PATRICK STEWART
I see..
INT. BAD GUY SHIP
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
I will be taking over that planet soon, to keep myself looking younger.
ANTHONY ZERBE
I will help you, to pursue my own greedy, capitalist interests.
He presses a button for an intercom kind of thing.
PATRICK STEWART
(over intercom)
Yes, admiral?
ANTHONY ZERBE
I want you to leave that fountain of youth planet alone, or I’ll kill you.
PATRICK STEWART
Hmm. Well, now that you say that, I better go down there and take a look.
ANTHONY ZERBE
If you do that, you will be disobeying a direct order!
PATRICK STEWART
I disobey a direct order every movie and episode. You should be used to it by now.
ANTHONY ZERBE
Yeah, you’re right. But we’re going to shoot your ass down.
PATRICK STEWART
I assumed as much.
INT. ENTERPRISE
PATRICK and BRENT are beamed down to the planet. SUDDENLY, part of the main hull explodes.
JONATHAN FRAKES
We’ve been hit!
Every single object on the ship that is tubelike in its nature begins shooting smoke out. Everything silver begins shooting sparks.
JONATHAN FRAKES
LAVAR, DO SOMETHING!!
LAVAR BURTON
Butterfly in the sky… I can fly twice as high…
JONATHAN FRAKES
What the hell?
MICHAEL DORN
Sir, it appears as though the rings are making us all younger. LaVar seems to be reverting back to the days when he did ‘Reading Rainbow.’ Meanwhile, I have developed acne and my hair has started growing…. upstairs and down.
JONATHAN FRAKES
That’s disgusting.
(pause)
WHOA!
MICHAEL DORN
What is it, captain?
JONATHAN FRAKES
I just realized..I AM REALLY HORNY!
MARINA SIRTIS
My breasts have gotten firmer!
JONATHAN and MARINA grab each other and run to the “AUXILLARY DWELLING ZONE -O- LOVE”
The Enterprise begins rocking.
EXT. FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH PLANET
DONNA MURPHY
Well, hello Captain Stewart. In case you didn’t notice, on this planet, everyone remains young. That doesn’t really matter, though. It won’t be expanded upon in any way, but will simply be the plot point which the bad guys use to try to take our planet over.
Suddenly, PATRICK’S watch lights up. It’s the ADMIRAL.
ANTHONY ZERBE
Captain Stewart, these ugly Mozart- killing beings want to move these people to another planet and take over the fountain of youth. Leave now.
PATRICK STEWART
Negative. Those Mozart-killers don’t matter.
NERDY AUDIENCE
Yeah! You tell em, captain!
ANTHONY ZERBE
Dammit, there are over a million of them and only 600 of these hippie punks that we’re moving. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”?
PATRICK STEWART
Yes, it was in another Star Trek movie. But I don’t care about logic, I am going to protect these people. Donna here is REALLY hot and I want to have hot, wild sex with her.
He turns the watch off.
PATRICK STEWART
Ok, let’s move these people out. Everyone go up to those scenic mountains!
EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE
BRENT SPINER
We’ll be safe as long as we’re here.
AUDIENCE
Hey..I know that place. I vacationed there last summer.
BRENT SPINER
No you didn’t. This is another planet.
AUDIENCE
No it’s not. It’s a mountain range in-
BRENT SPINER
ANOTHER PLANET! Shut up. Now, let us all boogie.
BRENT, PATRICK, and the HIPPIE PUNKS all start dancing for no reason.
INT. BAD GUY SHIP
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
DAMN IT! That’s it, they’re going down. Vile henchman, beam me down to that planet.. and give me some kind of device which will enable me to blow up my ship while I’m down there.
EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Now, captain, you die.
Suddenly, BRENT takes his EXPLODING DEVICE!
BRENT SPINER
Neener neener!
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Hey, give that back, doodyhead!
As he lunges toward BRENT, BRENT throws the device to PATRICK.
PATRICK STEWART
(singing)
Monkey in the middle! Monkey in the middle!
(throws it to Brent)
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
CUT IT OUT! If I lose that, I’m gonna get in a lot of trouble.
BRENT SPINER
(catching it)
HA HA!
BRENT pushes the button on it.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!
The ship explodes, loudly, and with horrible special effects. Shards of the ship shoot by stars, which are apparently very small in the Star Trek world.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
You guys really suck!
PATRICK STEWART
(into watch)
LaVar, beam us back up.
LAVAR BURTON
Take a look.. it’s in a book.. reading rainbow.
While PATRICK is distracted and confused, F. MURRAY ABRAHAM grabs DONNA MURPHY and takes her hostage.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Har har!
PATRICK shoots F. MURRAY ABRAHAM in the head with a ‘WACKY-RAY GUN’ and upon doing so, the many stretched layers of his face stretch out and engulf his head. The skin continues to engulf the rest of his body until he vanishes.
BRENT SPINER
Now that’s what I call using one’s head.
PATRICK STEWART
(laughing)
Oh, Brent!
END
Wow, that movie was way sillier than I remember it.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 pmThis movie sounds far beyond stupid and pointless.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:30 amYeah after they did First Contact, Star Trek went down hill, so don’t bother seeing Nemesis anyone, because Janeway somehow becomes Admiral over Picard, even though she was lost in the Delta Quadrant for like 12 fucking years but Picard kept doing his duty instead and got shafted. Someone tell me how that fucking works in the real world, also Data sacrifices himself to kill the bad guy and his huge ass ship and Riker marries Troi and he gets promoted and moves ships leaving the Enterprise totally destitute of all the cool characters outside Worf, Picard and LaForge from the Next Generation series so you don’t need to see that shitty movie anymore.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:24 pmI don’t want to get into a nerdy discussion, but if you adhere to the series internal logic, Janeway did manage to kill the FUCKING BORG, or at least HURT THEM SOMEHOW… A LITTLE. On the other hand, Picard disobeyed orders and tried to score an alien chick, and had the indecency of doing so while NOT BEING FUCKING KIRK. Ergo: Janeway gets to be an admiral and appear on conventions, Picard stays as a captain. And Professor X. And Ahab from Moby Dick, maybe.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:02 pmThe best part of this movie in my opinion was Riker piloting the Enterprise with a joystick. That was funny. :)
June 1st, 2009 at 3:05 pmHave you seen TNG from start to finish? Picard, has always given up being admiral. He's had at least 2 offers and turned them down. Being a captain is where you make the difference. Being on the front line bettering humanity and the galaxy. As for Data dying, there's always a way to get him back (Remember the download to B4, what if B4 wakes up one day as Data. Essentially cheating death.) Getting Riker and Troi back is as easy as a collaborative effort of the two ships in formation. (Really why the hell not have the enterprise and another ship fly together in a joint mission) I never got why they always had to fly solo for the feature films esp if there's a competition between Picard and Riker to out captain each other. And for the logistics of Nemesis plot, the war between inheritance and choices deciding fate is a lesson in humanity I still debate.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:50 am