"It's agreed. Neil will go on to dominate the entertainment industry, and we, er... won't."


"It's agreed. Neil will go on to dominate the entertainment industry, and we, er... won't."
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

STARSHIP TROOPERS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MICHAEL IRONSIDE teaches a class of FUTURISTIC STUDENTS in their FUTURISTIC CLASSROOM with FUTURISTIC DESKS.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

I am your hard-ass teacher. I lost my arm in one of the many wars of our fascist society, and because of that I am now eligible to vote. Now, tell me the difference between a Citizen and a Civilian!

CASPER VAN DIEN

Sorry. I didn't read the classic novel by Robert Heinlein that this movie is based on.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

You should die then, you bitch motherfucker.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY

CASPER VAN DIEN, DINA MEYER, DENISE RICHARDS, and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS are all outside doing futuristic high school things.

DINA MEYER

Hi! I show my breasts twice in this movie.

DENISE RICHARDS

Anyway, let's all join the military.

CASPER VAN DIEN

Okay.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Cool.

INT. RECRUITMENT PLACE - DAY

CASPER VAN DIEN, DENISE RICHARDS, and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS take an OATH and are sworn into MILITARY SERVICE.

RECRUITER SERGEANT

I have no legs and no right hand. So, how did you kids do?

DENISE RICHARDS

I'm going to be a starship pilot!

CASPER VAN DIEN

I'm going into the infantry!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Hey, remember me? I was the star of the hit show "Doogie Howser, M.D."!

RECRUITER SERGEANT

Holy shit--I knew you looked familiar. Are you going to become a hardcore futuristic soldier?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

No, I'm a fucking geek in this movie too! And this was my last chance to be cool! Instead I'm going to be a super-intelligent mind control freak!

EXT. TRAINING CAMP - DAY

EVERYONE goes through the roughest, most bad-ass BOOT CAMP anyone has ever seen in any SCIENCE FICTION WAR MOVIE.

CASPER VAN DIEN

Sir, yes, sir! Move out in pairs of quadruple squads, left flank to the middle side rear, moonwalk on the triple!

JAKE BUSEY

Har, Casper. I'm Gary Busey's son. I'm going to be yer bestest bud from now on. Let's shoot pool and drink beer together and take shits together, like bestest buds in the military do.

DINA MEYER

Hi, I'm back--I joined the military too! I promise I'll show my breasts soon.

They go through more TRAINING. A CO-ED SHOWER SCENE occurs, in which most of the FEMALE CHARACTERS, especially DINA MEYER, show their BREASTS. Meanwhile, a race of ALIEN BUGS destroys an EARTH CITY with a METEOR, since Earth with its futuristic, fascist, war-like society has NO DEFENSE against slow-moving, long range METEORS.

CASPER VAN DIEN

That meteor killed my whole fucking family. The Bugs are bad, real bad.

EXT. BUG HOMEWORLD - NIGHT

A HUGE INVASION of the BUG HOMEWORLD occurs in response to the METEOR ATTACK. MANY SOLDIERS are ripped to pieces by SPECIAL EFFECTS and COMPUTER GENERATED BUGS.

GEORGE LUCAS

ILM actually didn't do the graphics for this movie? No wonder the Bugs look real!

The SOLDIERS get beat up bad by the Bugs. CASPER VAN DIEN is WOUNDED and left behind, surrounded by many BUGS.

CASPER VAN DIEN

I'm not worried. I'm the main character.

Meanwhile, DENISE RICHARDS is flying around in a STARSHIP above the planet. Her ship becomes DAMAGED.

INT. FUTURISTIC HOSPITAL

CASPER VAN DIEN has been miraculously RESCUED and put into a giant FISH TANK to heal. JAKE BUSEY and DINA MEYER come to see him.

DINA MEYER

You're going to live to see my breasts again.

JAKE BUSEY

I'm yer buddy. When you get out, let's find our old Drill Sergeant and shove a pool stick up his ass, smear shit on him, and flush him down a toilet. Har. That's some funny shit.

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

JAKE BUSEY, DINA MEYER and CASPER are transferred to a NEW UNIT. The UNIT not only includes the only BLACK CHARACTERS in the movie, but is also led by MICHAEL IRONSIDE.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

I bet you didn't expect that shit, because I had no left arm in the other scene. But I have a mechanical arm now, see? And if you don't fight I'll kill you myself, you bitch motherfuckers.

EXT. DESERT PLANET - DAY

MICHAEL IRONSIDE, CASPER, and DINA MEYER and JAKE BUSEY kill Bugs together, alongside the other faceless TROOPERS. They kill bugs dead, like RAID. A whole bunch of people DIE, because that's what happens to people in a WAR MOVIE.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

One of my important people was just killed, Casper. Even though I have other soldiers in this unit who are probably more experienced than you, I'm going to promote you.

CASPER VAN DIEN

Okay.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE throws a VICTORY PARTY for his TROOPERS. CASPER VAN DIEN and DINA MEYER have a SEX SCENE during the party, and she shows her BREASTS. Suddenly, DINA MEYER is stabbed through her BREASTS by a BUG and DIES. MICHAEL IRONSIDE has his balls ripped off by BUGS and CASPER VAN DIEN shoots him out of PITY. CASPER and the rest of the SOLDIERS are eventually rescued by DENISE RICHARDS who happened to be flying above the planet in her STARSHIP.

DENISE RICHARDS

I'm a pilot!

INT. STARBASE - NIGHT

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

I'm a high-ranking officer now. I need you to go back down to that planet where all that gruesome shit happened and capture a Brain Bug.

CASPER VAN DIEN

Sir, yes, sir!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

By the way, I'm hardcore now. War does that to people. They put make-up under my eyes to make me look tough, and gave me this Nazi uniform. See how tough I look?

CASPER VAN DIEN

Sir, yes, sir!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Also, you're promoted again. I have to go write all this down in my computerized diary now.

EXT. DESERT PLANET - DAY

CASPER and his TROOPERS try to capture a BRAIN BUG. Meanwhile DENISE RICHARDS is flying above the planet in her STARSHIP. Her ship gets DESTROYED, she crash lands inside a huge CAVE, and is captured by the BRAIN BUG, which is IRONIC.

BRAIN BUG

I'm going to suck out your brains, because, shit, I'm a Brain Bug, and it makes sense for me to do that.

Suddenly, CASPER VAN DIEN and JAKE BUSEY appear inside the CAVE. They save DENISE RICHARDS and capture the BRAIN BUG. They piss on it and then JAKE BUSEY shoves a pool stick up the BRAIN BUG's ASS. They tie a ROPE around it and FLUSH it down a TOILET, then pull it back out. Then they bring it to NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, who is waiting outside with thousands of TROOPERS. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS uses his skills as a genius TV doctor to examine the BRAIN BUG.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

It's scared shitless. Now we know how to defeat the Bugs.

CASPER VAN DIEN

So I guess in the next few scenes will show us going around killing off all the remaining Bugs, pissing on them and shoving pool sticks up their asses?

DIRECTOR PAUL VERHOEVEN

Fuck no, we're almost out of film, you bitch motherfucker. So the movie is going to end abruptly, without any real resolution. We'll just throw up a text screen with some bullshit on it about eventually winning the war... because, shit, I directed ROBOCOP.

CASPER VAN DIEN

Sir, yes, sir!

JAKE BUSEY

Har, that's some funny shit.

END

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