"Sorry Tom, but there is no cure for Space Herpes."


"Sorry Tom, but there is no cure for Space Herpes."

STAR TREK: NEMESIS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THE ENTERPRISE

The cast of THE NEXT GENERATION HOBBLES onto the screen to boldly CASH THAT LAST CHECK like no one has CASHED ONE BEFORE.

PATRICK STEWART

Captain’s log, stardate Post 9/11. Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis’ characters couldn’t progress any further so they finally got married. We had the bachelor party on the holodeck and it was fucking sick.

BRENT SPINER

Sir, there are some strange android readings coming from some wannabe Pitch Black planet that just happens to have oxygen and nice weather just like 99% of all planets in the universe.

PATRICK STEWART

And that is the sound of Neil deGrasse Tyson shitting an entire brick factory. Brent, you and the Klingon will go down there with me.

MICHAEL DORN

Sir, I know it’s kind of late to be bringing this up, but why does the captain always have to lead the away missions? Don’t we have commandos for that?

PATRICK STEWART

Good point. Too bad I don’t listen to guys with stupid make-up glued to their foreheads. Now let’s ride!

EXT. STOCK ALIEN PLANET (WITH NEW CAMERA FILTER!)

PATRICK, BRENT and MICHAEL fly down to the LOSER PLANET and find pieces of a human jigsaw puzzle that combine to make BIZARRO BRENT SPINER.

BRENT SPINER

Oh, this must be my evil android brother Lore from the TV series.

BIZARRO BRENT

No, I’m actually a 3rd version of you that your creator never told you about. Also I am retarded.

BRENT SPINER

Whoa whoa whoa, you can’t just say the “R” word. Not cool, bro.

BIZARRO BRENT

But I am! I’m a robot who suffers from mental retardation. A Ro-Tard, if you will.

MICHAEL DORN

This is a pretty big coincidence that we found another Brent robot out in the middle of nowhere.

PATRICK STEWART

Yes, but instead of dwelling on it let’s have a lame action sequence.

THEY DO and kill some ALIENS.

BRENT SPINER

Wait, what? Technically we invaded their planet and they were just defending themselves against intruders.

PATRICK STEWART

But are those aliens humans?

BRENT SPINER

No.

PATRICK STEWART

Then fuck'em.

They KILL MORE ALIENS and LEAVE the planet.

INT. ENTERPRISE

PATRICK Skypes with ADMIRAL KATE MULGREW.

KATE MULGREW

Patrick, there’s been a terrorist attack on Romulus and some new dork is in charge. I need you to go check it out.

PATRICK STEWART

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait a minute... Admiral? They made you FUCKING ADMIRAL?! But you were a colossal fuck up and was only a captain for like 7 years! Meanwhile I was a captain back when I still had hair!

KATE MULGREW

But I was the one who brought Jeri Ryan’s boobs into the franchise.

PATRICK STEWART

Oh, good point. So are we ever going to get any of that cool future tech you brought back with you? Because we could really use--

KATE MULGREW

(hangs up)

EXT. ROMULAS

The Enterprise arrives and hangs around in orbit for 17 HOURS.

PATRICK STEWART

Captain’s log, we’re at Romulas and we’re bored. Holy shit are you serious about that 17 hours thing?

YES. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

PATRICK STEWART

Huh? Have the Romulans not invented fucking wrist watches yet? Ugh.

Suddenly a big MECHANICAL BAT appears outside the ship.

RON PERLMAN

Hey everybody! It’s me Ron Perlman!

PATRICK STEWART

Nobody can tell with all that rubber shit glued to your face.

RON PERLMAN

Well fuck. Anyway I am a Reman, the ghoulish cousins of the Romulans. My leader wants you to beam over so you can chat.

PATRICK STEWART

Splendid. Can I bring over most of the main cast members with me?

RON PERLMAN

Uh, you sure that’s a good idea? That would make it stupidly easy for us to just kill you all and cripple your command structure.

PATRICK STEWART

Good point. Too bad I don’t listen to guys with prosthetic shit glued to their faces. Now let’s go!

INT. EVIL REMAN SHIP

MOST OF THE MAJOR CAST beams over and is KILLED ON THE SPOT met by BIZARRO PATRICK STEWART, TOM HARDY.

TOM HARDY

That’s right, Patrick. I’m an evil mirror version of you!

PATRICK STEWART

Where’s your goatee?

TOM HARDY

I had one, but our male pattern baldness is super aggressive and extends to my entire body.

PATRICK STEWART

Even your pubes?

TOM HARDY

Especially my pubes. See, the Romulans stole some of your DNA and blah blah blah cloned you blah blah blah wanted to replace you with me blah blah gobbledygook plot blah.

PATRICK STEWART

Um, okay. And you’re not phasering us all in the forehead right now because...?

TOM HARDY

I want to get to know you. What are the other Stewarts like? Where’s the rest of our family? Do you have a wife and children?

PATRICK STEWART

Uh, no. I’m still single and childless, which is kind of creepy for a guy my age considering all the hot alien women I’ve met. I didn’t do nearly as much whoring as Kirk did. Also the rest of the Stewarts kinda all burned to death in a fire three movies ago, so it’s just you and me now.

TOM HARDY

Bummer. Well I guess that means we need to start repopulating the Stewart line. Hey Marina, how you doin’?

MARINA SIRTIS

What? Oh, God no, please tell me I’m actually going to have a meaningful role in this film and not just be the object of your sexual desire.

TOM HARDY

Hey, I grew up on a planet where all the women look like Max Schreck. Can you blame me? Now I’m going to use Ron’s freaky mind powers to dream rape you.

MARINA SIRTIS

(pause)

But why?

TOM HARDY

Because the audience needs to see just how much of a sadistic bastard I am.

MARINA SIRTIS

(pause)

But... why dream rape? Even Freddy Kruger didn’t sink that low. Can’t you just shoot me? That would be a lot less creepy. Or kill me, even?

TOM HARDY

Look, do you want to be a helpless victim or not?

MARINA SIRTIS

Not!

TOM HARDY

Oooh, too bad.

TOM telepathically assaults MARINA.

MARINA SIRTIS

Fuck this. I quit.

PATRICK STEWART

(actual line)

If you can endure more of these assaults I need you at my side now more than ever.

MARINA SIRTIS

Wait one goddamn fucking minute here. Are you actually asking me to CONTINUE being mind raped, by a guy that’s technically YOU by the way, just on the off chance I might be able to help you at a crucial moment?

PATRICK STEWART

I don’t see the problem here.

MARINA SIRTIS

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

But before MARINA can rip out PATRICK’S SPINE he is transported into TOM’S S&M DUNGEON.

INT. TOM’S EVIL SHIP OF DOOM

TOM HARDY

Haha! Bizarro Brent was my mole and I used him to steal information from your ship! Oh and I’m dying, so I need you to give me a life transplant so I can live.

PATRICK STEWART

Does that mean I have your permission to die?

TOM HARDY

Sure, but I’m going to leave you with one inept guard and assume it all went to plan.

TOM leaves and BIZARRO BRENT reveals himself to be regular BRENT and saves PATRICK.

BRENT SPINER

It’s a good thing we figured out who Bizarro Brent was ahead of time!

PATRICK STEWART

Wait, so did our plan actually involve me getting captured and nearly killed?

BRENT SPINER

Plan? Did we have one of those?

PATRICK STEWART

What if Tom just went through with mugging me for my DNA before you had the chance to rescue me?

BRENT SPINER

Sure, like we’d actually have the balls to go through with permanently killing off an important character in this franchise not named Shatner.

PATRICK STEWART

Good point. Too bad I don’t listen to people with yellow shit caked all over their stupid face. So how are we getting out of here?

BRENT SPINER

Well I just so happen to have this micro transporter that will teleport you back to Enterprise, but it will only work for one of us.

PATRICK STEWART

So why didn’t you just bring two?

BRENT SPINER

Uhhhh... be... cause I only brought one?

PATRICK STEWART

I mean you’re a robot, can’t you just hollow out your leg and store a bunch of tech bullshit in there? Or maybe even a gun? Robocop could do that and that was back in the 1900s.

BRENT SPINER

Uhhhhh...

PATRICK STEWART

In fact why isn’t this micro transporter standard issue in all Starfleet away missions? Just think of all the replacement costs of red uniforms we could have saved on.

BRENT SPINER

Unfortunately my plot hole processor just blew up so let’s go.

PATRICK and BRENT manage to hold off an entire army of REMANS with a SINGLE GUN and fly a SHIP through the SHIP and escape.

INT. ENTERPRISE

PATRICK STEWART

Tom wants to use some deadly radiation thingy on his ship to kill everybody on Earth.

GATES MCFADDEN

But why Earth? Why does it always have to be Earth? Why does no one ever want to blow up the Klingons or the Tholians? I mean remember that huge burnt cigar thing from Star Trek 4 that wanted to destroy Earth? Did we ever even figure out what the hell that thing was?

PATRICK STEWART

Whoa, Gates? Where the fuck did you come from? Were you in the movie this whole time?

GATES MCFADDEN

Uh, yeah. Not all of us have X-Men movies or directing jobs to fall back on you know.

(is useless for the rest of the movie)

PATRICK STEWART

Well to answer your question, because Earth is full of dicks. Now let’s warp back there before Tom catches up to us.

LEVAR BURTON

I say we take a shortcut through this patch of space over here that is a total cell phone dead zone.

PATRICK STEWART

Perfect!

They fly into the DEAD ZONE and are immediately ATTACKED by TOM and sets off all the SPARKLERS hidden behind the SET.

PATRICK STEWART

Cool! Space fight! Pew pew! Fire phasers and torpedoes! Shields down to minus 9%! Pew pew!

TOM HARDY

Now let’s stop this action sequence to talk some more.

PATRICK STEWART

Wait, how are you on my ship right now?

TOM HARDY

I have a hologram projector that allows me to see and hear everything you’re doing.

PATRICK STEWART

So technically you could have been spying on us all along and figured out what we were up to?

TOM HARDY

Uh... Yeah?

PATRICK STEWART

And you didn’t.

TOM HARDY

Uh... look, this isn’t about me okay? This is about you. Let me Shang Tsung you and I’ll let your ship go.

PATRICK STEWART

Come on, Tom. Let’s be reasonable. We’re the same person. We have the same eyes and hands and heart.

TOM HARDY

No we don’t. Some Predator looking dude stabbed you in the chest and now you have a mechanical heart.

PATRICK STEWART

Only nerds who actually watched the TV show know that. The point is you should be a self righteous do-gooder like me instead of a self righteous twat like you.

TOM HARDY

Or I could just pound the fuck out of your ship and beam you off.

PATRICK STEWART

Game on bitch.

Some ROMULAN SHIPS arrive led by DINA MEYER.

PATRICK STEWART

Dina? Holy shit were you in the movie this whole time too?

DINA MEYER

Yes, and I’m here to help you!

PATRICK STEWART

Thanks a lot, Dina!

TOM pounds THE FUCK out of DINA’S SHIPS.

PATRICK STEWART

Thanks a lot, Dina. Nice save. Real sucktastic job you did there.

TOM’s ship activates its CLOAKING DEVICE while it attacks ENTERPRISE.

PATRICK STEWART

Marina, I need you to use your mental rape uplink with Ron to figure out where Tom’s ship is.

MARINA SIRTIS

You CAN NOT be serious!

But HE IS. Unfortunately IT WORKS. RAPE UPLINK: +1

RON beams over to ENTERPRISE so JONATHAN can REVENGE KILL him. Then TOM shoots a huge hole in the ENTERPRISE’s bridge.

RED SHIRT

And I almost survived to the end of the moviiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!

(is sucked into outer space)

TOM HARDY

See Patrick? I pounded the living fuck out of your ship and now you have no more weapons. Surrender!

PATRICK STEWART

Marina, pilot the ship!

MARINA SIRTIS

You sure? The last time I got to fly the Enterprise I kinda wrecked it.

PATRICK STEWART

Exactly!

MARINA crashes the ENTERPRISE into TOM’S SHIP and totally WRECKS IT LIKE RALPH because this franchise hates FEMALE SPACE PILOTS.

MARINA SIRTIS

Oh God, did we warn any of the crew members in the front part of the ship before we did that?

PATRICK STEWART

I’ll send a medal to their families right after I activate the ship’s Self Destruct sequence and kill Tom by blowing the rest of my crew to bits.

LEVAR BURTON

You know how fans debate whether you or Kirk are the better captain? Well Kirk just won. And the Self Destruct is broken. Apparently it was designed by the same guys who designed HealthCare.Gov.

PATRICK STEWART

Oh goddamnit does NOTHING work in the future?!

TOM, having just received the INSURANCE QUOTE to fix his wrecked ship, has an ANEURISM that speeds up his aging and turns him into a RAGE ZOMBIE.

TOM HARDY

Fuck you, Patrick! If I’m dying then I’m taking you and your entire crew with me by hitting you with my deadly radiation thingy!

PATRICK STEWART

Then I guess I’ll just have to go over there and kill you myself!

BRENT SPINER

A sixty year old man vs a ship full of alien bat creatures with guns? Why not just send me? I’m a robot with superhuman strength.

PATRICK STEWART

That’s a good point. Too bad I don’t listen to--

BRENT SPINER

Yeah yeah yeah.

INT. TOM’S EVIL SHIP OF DOOM

PATRICK beams over and RAMBO’S his way to TOM, who defends himself with a POCKET KNIFE.

PATRICK STEWART

Do Remans not believe in handguns or something?

TOM HARDY

We do, but my costume is so tight and restricting I can’t reach it, so I’m just going to awkwardly lunge at you with this knife.

PATRICK STEWART

THIS is the big climax? A weak and dying younger me trying to shank a slow older me?

TOM HARDY

Oh my God you’re right. I’m so embarrassed. So much so I feel the need to impale myself on a metal spike.

PATRICK STEWART

And done.

TOM DIES as his ship is about to fire the DEADLY RADIATION, the main engine of which is located on THE BRIDGE, because where else would one keep their DEADLY RADIATION ENGINE?

BRENT SPINER

Patrick, I’m here to rescue you.

PATRICK STEWART

How did you get here? I thought the transporters were conveniently out of order?

BRENT SPINER

Easy, I just threw myself across space and accessed an external hatch I had no businesses of knowing was there or would actually open.

PATRICK STEWART

Well the deadly radiation device is about to kill all those poor bastards on the Enterprise. Good thing we’re here where it’s safe--

(is beamed to Enterprise)

The fuck, Brent?!

BRENT SPINER

I used my micro transporter to send you back to the Enterprise while I stay behind to blow up Tom’s ship.

PATRICK STEWART

You know you could have avoided sacrificing yourself if you had just brought along a second micro transporter and a grenade.

BRENT SPINER

That’s a good point. Too bad I don’t listen to baldies.

BRENT BLOWS UP TOM’S SHIP and HIMSELF in the process.

PATRICK STEWART

Holy shit. We did it! We actually killed off a beloved main character without the slightest chance of retconing--

BIZARRO BRENT

Brent downloaded his memories into me, totally undermining Brent’s sacrifice. Twist!

TREKKIES

You know what? Fuck this movie.

THE BOX OFFICE

Yeah, fuck this movie.

THE STAR TREK FRANCHISE

(is killed for 6 years)

END

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