"Come on guys, will you at least LOOK at my Kabuki make-up?! I spent HOURS applying it!!! LOOK AT MEEE!!!!!"


"Come on guys, will you at least LOOK at my Kabuki make-up?! I spent HOURS applying it!!! LOOK AT MEEE!!!!!"

STAR TREK BEYOND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. STRANGE ALIEN CAVE PLANET

The USS ENTERPRISE flies through at least EIGHT DIFFERENT STUDIO LOGOS before it arrives at the planet. CAPTAIN CHRIS PINE meets with a race of large menacing GARGOYLE DEMONS.

CHRIS PINE

Greetings random CGI aliens, I present to you this futuristic Sony PSP as a sign of peace.

GARGOYLE DEMONS

That PSP is actually the key component to an ancient bio weapon that could wipe out the entire universe, so no thanks. When you think about it this is the shittest peace offering you could ever give someone. What, were blankets covered in Smallpox too old fashioned? ATTACK!

CHRIS is swarmed by the GARGOYLE ALIENS who are actually the size of a POKEMON.

CHRIS PINE

Well if you guys don’t mind I’ll just hold on to this ancient bio weapon thingy for plot reasons.

(captures a Squirtle with his phone)

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

CHRIS PINE

Captain’s log stardate post Force Awakens. I’ve finally stopped having epileptic seizures now that J.J. is gone. Also My daddy issues are reaching warp factor 10 since he died on my birthday which is coming up soon. Plus it seems like everyone on the ship is getting laid except for me.

KARL URBAN

Don’t worry Chris, I’m sure some day you’ll find your wonder woman.

INT. STARBASE: YORKTOWN

The Enterprise arrives at a giant SPACE BALLOON with a mall in it.

ZOE SALDANA

Hey Zach, it seems my defining character trait is still being your girlfriend so maybe it’s time we got married or something?

ZACHARY QUINTO

How about instead I dump you because I need to start making Vulcan babies to repopulate my race.

ZOE SALDANA

Well fuck. Now what unique character trait will I be known for? Maybe I can be the Badass Action Girl?

ZACHARY QUINTO

We already have someone filling that role. There’s a Nina Simone bio pic you can go ruin though.

ZOE SALDANA

(heavy sigh)

Very well then.

JOHN CHO

Now if you’ll all excuse me I’m going to go reunite with my daughter and spouse.

CHRIS PINE

Good for you John, that sounds like a totally uncontroversial thing for an officer returning from a long mission to do.

JOHN CHO

Yup, just walking away with my family. Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Just me and my little girl and my significant other!

ANTON YELCHIN

Meanwhile I’m screwing tons and tons of aliens in the background and nobody cares because they’re female.

(pause)

One had a snail for a skull.

(pause)

A FREAKING SNAIL SKULL, MAN.

CHRIS meets with a CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN whose language is translated through SIRI.

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

Help! My crew is stranded on a planet inside a nebula that’s literally right across the street from your space station.

CHRIS PINE

I believe you and won’t bother contacting your home planet to corroborate your story or to confirm your identity. We Starfleet captains are a trusting lot.

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

Just so long as you still have that bio weapon from the opening scene, otherwise my boss’s plan is fucked.

CHRIS PINE

What was that?

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

Err, I meant bleep blorp beep does not compute buzz whir.

EXT. SPACE ORBITING PLANET HUNGER GAMES

The Enterprise reaches the planet and it is attacked by SPACE MOSQUITOES.

THE ENTERPRISE

Pshaw! I may get wrecked in every new adventure but I always triumph in the end!

(nacelles are gnawed off)

IT HURTS OH GOD IT HURTS I’LL NEVER WARP AGAIN I’LL NEED SPACE CRUTCHES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

(deflector dish is smashed to shit)

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK THE PAIN IS UNIMAGINABLE WHY OH WHY DID THEY BUILD ME WITH PAIN RECEPTORS

(head is cut off)

BLARGHGRGHAGHRGH!!!!!!!

Evil alien leader IDRIS ELBA boards the ship after having put on 63 POUNDS OF MAKE-UP. That’s a whole 3rd grader’s worth of make-up.

IDRIS ELBA

I’m stealing the ancient PSP bio weapon. I can probably sell it for a million bars of Latinum on space e-Bay.

CHRIS PINE

Luckily I’ve taken the cartridge out of the PSP and hid it inside a crew member’s skull. Seriously. Her skull opens up to reveal a secret hiding place right on top of her brain. Who knows what else she’s been putting in there.

ANTON YELCHIN

Trust me you DON’T want to know.

(whispers)

My Tholain Web! Hint hint.

ZOE SALDANA

Finally, a chance for me to do something badass by saving Chris’s life and OH FUCK I’M CAPTURED

JOHN CHO

Me too! Wait, so out of the main cast the one woman and the one Asian guy are the only ones sitting the rest of the movie out being helpless damsels? Who wrote this shit?

SIMON PEGG

Uh...

(quietly slips away inside a remote controlled torpedo)

The entire crew is CAPTURED except for ZACHARY and KARL who are stranded together and CHRIS and ANTON who escape the fragged Enterprise with CABBAGE HEAD.

INT. PLANET HUNGER GAMES

CHRIS PINE

Anton, we must go to the wrecked saucer section of the Enterprise and whoa wait are we wearing brand new blue uniforms all of a sudden? When the fuck did we find time to put these on?

ANTON YELCHIN

Every Starfleet escape pod comes with a complete wardrobe change and probably dildos instead of food or weapons or useful shit like that.

CHRIS PINE

Hey cabbage head, I know you lured us into that trap. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you right in your cabbage face?

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

Because I give you a raging boner?

CHRIS PINE

Well played.

They go inside the Enterprise wreckage.

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

(pulls a phaser)

So THIS is where you hid the bio weapon. My master Idris will be pleased.

CHRIS PINE

No it’s not here, I just made us walk 20 miles of terrain and climb inside my dead ship in the hopes you would radio Stringer Bell and reveal his base camp.

ANTON YELCHIN

Keptin! The only way we can escape the ship is to slide 200 feet down the side of the hull which will surely kill us!

CHRIS PINE

Not if we set our phasers to Fuck Physics!

DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN

Awww hell yeah! That’s my jam!

The ghost of the Enterprise gets its revenge on CABBAGE HEAD by CRUSHING HER TO DEATH, because even starships hate CABBAGE.

CABBAGE HEADED ALIEN

By Grabthar's Hammer I shall be aven

(is squished)

Meanwhile SIMON lands on the planet in his torpedo and HANGS OFF OF A CLIFF. Then he meets sexy alien badass SOFIA BOUTELLA.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Did you become the head writer just so you could steal all of Chris’s signature traits and give them to yourself?

SIMON PEGG

Is it that obvious? Wait, how can you speak my language?

SOFIA BOUTELLA

I conveniently live in a crashed Starfleet ship with Spotify from 100 years ago which ties this series to Star Trek Enterprise which only lasted 2 seasons.

SIMON PEGG

Don’t you mean 4 seasons?

SOFIA BOUTELLA

No Simon Peggy, everybody knows seasons 1 and 2 died in a fire and never existed and that is the last we will speak of this. Now help me fix my ship so I can get out of this hell hole.

Elsewhere on the planet ZACHARY and KARL are in a BUDDY COMEDY.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I’ve been stabbed by wreckage and am bleeding Surge all over the place.

KARL URBAN

I’ll patch you up with playful insulting banter. Now that you’re dying don’t you wish you hadn’t have dumped Zoe?

ZACHARY QUINTO

Hey, you’re right. She’s arguably the hottest woman in the cinematic universe of three franchises and would have given me beautiful 1 quarter Vulcan babies. Thanks for helping me realize that, Karl. It’s like we’re in each other’s heads.

KARL URBAN

Wrong 3rd movie, Zach.

Meanwhile...

INT. IDRIS’S SHANTY TOWN BASE

ZOE SALDANA

Idris, I know you’re human under all that make-up based solely on an old video where I heard your voice which sounds absolutely nothing like your Bane-esque alien voice.

IDRIS ELBA

Yes, it’s true. I was once a Starfleet soldier but became disgruntled after being stranded on this planet.

ZOE SALDANA

Wait, was this before or after you found all those space-fairing drone ships or the abandoned alien technology that allows you to steal other people’s life force and live forever?

IDRIS ELBA

That’s a very good question we won't even think about answering.

ZOE SALDANA

Clearly you had the means to leave this planet years ago so what the hell stopped you?

IDRIS ELBA

Hey, YOU try transforming into a crocodile man with decorative pimples and see if YOUR thought processes isn’t a little fucked up. I’ve sworn to destroy the Federation because it promotes unity among races, equality of the sexes, and even condones unconventional couplings.

JOHN CHO

Why’d everybody look at me when he said that?

IDRIS ELBA

I’ve been waiting to get my hands on that bio weapon so I can wipe out Yorktown and steal the base for myself. Hand it over or I kill John dead.

REDSHIRT ALIEN WITH HIDDEN BRAIN POCKET

No! Here’s the bio weapon!

IDRIS ELBA

My God, is the back of your head made entirely out of face-hugger? Eew. What is with all the alien women having creepy as fuck skulls? Now I pretty much have to kill you with the bio weapon to demonstrate how it works.

REDSHIRT ALIEN WITH HIDDEN BRAIN POCKET

(is gobbled up by Etch A Sketch goo)

IDRIS ELBA

Now, to steal the life-force from some other redshirts so I can inexplicably transform back into a slightly less ghoulish almost human-looking but not quite crocodile man.

(becomes possessed by a demonic morphing effect)

YESSSSSSS GIVE ME THAT SWEET SWEET LIFE FORCE I CRAVE ITTTTTTT

INT. CRASHED SHIP USS FRANKLIN

The rest of the crew that isn’t captured have all found each other.

CHRIS PINE

I plan to rescue the crew in a cool action sequence using the hologram watch from Total Recall and this motorcycle which has no goddamn business being on a spaceship.

SIMON PEGG

Or why don’t I just use my magic beaming formula to transport us off the planet like in the previous movies?

CHRIS PINE

Because that stupid beaming formula died in a fire and never existed and we will never speak of it again.

They rescue the CREW but IDRIS and his SWARM ARMY are taking off for YORKTOWN.

JOHN CHO

But my family lives there! Hey, it’s as if showing them earlier was a nice way to humanize the people on the space station. How about that.

SIMON PEGG

These old Starfleet ships weren’t meant to take off from the surface so the only way to get back into space is to drive it straight off this cliff we’re sitting on.

CHRIS PINE

So I DO get to hang off of a ledge!

(giddy!)

They dig up PHYSICS from the dead and ride its desecrated corpse into the atmosphere and escape the planet.

EXT. STARBASE: YORKTOWN

IDRIS ELBA

Haha! My army of ships and their vaguely robotic pilots are attacking the base! It shall be mine!

CHRIS PINE

Wrong bitch! We’ve figured out your drones are vulnerable to shitty late 20th century garbage music! Sofia, cue up some Hootie & the Blowfish!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Sorry Chris Pee, all their music was deleted from history. The next shittiest song in my playlist is Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

CHRIS PINE

Oh no! That's the same bullshit song we used in the teaser trailer that made the entire Internet vomit in its own mouth! I guess when Star Trek doubles down it doubles down hard.

IDRIS’S DRONE ARMY

(hearing “Sabotage”)

OH GOD THE HORROR IT IS LIKE FIRE INSIDE OUR BRAINS WHY OH WHY DID OUR CREATORS MAKE US WITH PAIN SENSORS THE ONLY CURE IS DEATH

(crashes into each other in a ball of fiery mass suicide)

CHRIS PINE

Wow, that somehow managed to not be nearly as ridiculous as it sounds. Now, to defeat Idris by challenging him to a dance-off!

But IDRIS flies inside the starbase and uses a BLACK NINJA TURTLE DISGUISE to sneak into the “RELEASE BIO WEAPON HERE TO KILL EVERYONE” room.

CHRIS PINE

Well we'll just use the transporter to beam Idris into outer space and call it a day.

IDRIS ELBA

Apparently the presence of Greg Grunberg and his blatant franchise hopping has broken the transporter so you have to manually stop me.

CHRIS fights IDRIS and for once CHRIS WINS!

CHRIS PINE

It’s all over, Idris! You were once a captain like me. Why would you do this?

IDRIS ELBA

After the Federation was formed I became a warrior without a war. If only they weren’t so into making friends and had more enemies for me to fight.

CHRIS PINE

Do you not know that the entire galaxy LITERALLY hates the Federation’s guts for being pompous arrogant self righteous hippy pricks? The Klingons, The Romulans, The Dominion, The Borg-- the Federation has enemies coming out of its asshole.

IDRIS ELBA

Oh. Well in that case I guess I’ll just pack up my bio weapon and WHOOPS

(is being gobbled up by Etch A Sketch goo)

I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!

(dead)

The crew have a party while a brand new ENTERPRISE is being built.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Chris, I was going to leave the crew but changed my mind after I found out Leonard Nimoy passed away.

CHRIS PINE

Well I was going to leave the crew until I decided I wasn’t going to leave the crew.

SIMON PEGG

I was never going to leave the crew, so... yeah.

(hits on Sofia)

SOFIA BOUTELLA

For helping to save the day with the destructive power of rap rock I was awarded an iTunes gift card.

KARL URBAN

And I

(gets drunk)

ZOE SALDANA

While I

(hangs off Zachary’s arm)

ANTON YELCHIN

And I am actually leaving the crew because some incompetent rat fuck assclown doesn’t know how to design a jeep that stays in park so I bid you all farewell. May my soul live long and prosper.

DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN

And I am going to see a voodoo priestess to figure out why actors keep dying in my franchises. Clearly I'm cursed.

JOHN CHO

And I’m gay!

CHRIS PINE

Not as gay as our uniforms.

END

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