Spider-Man 3: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 31st, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
TOBEY MAGUIRE walks around being a pompous windbag to everyone.
TOBEY MAGUIRE (V.O.)
Yeah, in the first and second movie, everyone hated me, but now everyone loves me, so I wear a shit-eating grin constantly. Great power and great responsibility totally kick ass!
TOBEY attends a musical starring KIRSTEN DUNST.
KIRSTEN DUNST
(singing)
They say watching this film is wonderful;
“It’s wonderful,” so they say;
I doubt that they can mean it;
Or else they’ve never seen it;
I also know they say it’s full of sand… and;
Though filled with song and dance, “it’s wonderful”;
“Wonderful in every way,” so… they… saaayyyyyyy.
JAMES FRANCO watches the plotless, awful musical from the balcony, and takes a moment to glare at TOBEY’s SHIT-EATING GRIN.
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
God I fucking hate that guy. If only there was something I could do to avenge my father’s death. Like publicize the secret identity of Spider-Man, thereby ruining his life. Something like that would be great.
TOBEY goes backstage to find KIRSTEN, who has already been in the film more than anyone would like.
KIRSTEN DUNST
How was I? Was I good? Was I? Tell me I was good. No, tell me the truth. No wait, tell me that I was good but make sure that’s the truth.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Golly gee whiz, Kirsten, you were so good! So good that my head could just burst with how good you were! Nobody at all was eager for the scene to end, and not a single member of the audience looked at his ticket to make sure he didn’t walk into the wrong theater, I promise!
KIRSTEN DUNST
Wow, I had no idea that one of the many powers of the spider was being a hopelessly pussy-whipped little bitch!
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Let’s go to the woods and stare up at the stars, just to make sure the audience is so bored that they’ll welcome anything that advances the story, no matter how idiotic.
A BIG BLACK BALL OF OOZE shoots down from the sky, conveniently landing mere feet from the only guy on the planet with the superpowers of a spider.
Meanwhile…
EXT. SCIENCE FACILITY
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH escapes from prison, only to accidentally fall into a RIDICULOUS PLOT CONTRIVANCE that turns him into a guy made of sand.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Oh no, I’m made of sand now. I’m now empowered with all of the abilities of a big pile of sand. Like, um, getting in your clothes. And getting hot under the sun to burn your feet. Also flying for some reason.
IDIOT SCIENTISTS
Oh no, our experiment has gone awry. Damn, every time science experiments go poorly, it always makes a new enemy for Tobey Maguire. You’d think the guy would be bombing research facilities out of desperation.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Er, why the hell isn’t my daughter’s locket sand too? All of my clothes are.
INT. ROSEMARY HARRIS’S APARTMENT
TOBEY, with nobody to turn to for expository dialogue except his AUNT ROSEMARY HARRIS, wastes 10 more minutes of everyone’s time talking about his boring relationship.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
I want to propose to Kirsten Dunst. I think I’ve done a good job of just barely holding together my double life as well as my relationship with her, so I know I’m ready.
ROSEMARY HARRIS
Do I ever die in the comics? God I’m sick of being in these movies, couldn’t I die? Fuck. Anyway, a husband has to put his wife ahead of himself. Can you do that?
TOBEY MAGUIRE
No. Not at all. Clearly, no. Kirsten’s life has been put in danger in the climax of both previous movies, indicating her closeness to me is a complete danger to her. The fact that I would ever even consider continuing to put her life in jeopardy by maintaining a relationship with her indicates that I place my own desire for companionship above her very life. It is incredibly, patently obvious that I absolutely cannot put her above me, even a little bit.
ROSEMARY HARRIS
Ah, who gives a shit? Give her my old ring. Go away now, Wheel of Fortune is starting.
TOBEY leaves, wearing that SHIT-EATING GRIN again. Finally having had enough of it, JAMES FRANCO surfs through the air and attacks TOBEY. Suddenly, they both turn into CARTOONS as they fight each other.
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
You knew this day was coming, Tobey!
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What, that one day you would take your father’s equipment and come after me?
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
No, that one day the incredibly popular Spider-Man film franchise would deteriorate into a mindless mess of poorly directed, poorly animated sequences strung together with awful writing meant to do nothing but cash in on the abundance of patience offered by fans.
TOBEY throws one of JAMES’S PUMPKIN BOMBS back at JAMES. It explodes in JAMES’S FACE and has absolutely no effect whatsoever except to distract him long enough for TOBEY to trip him off his board with a spider web.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What the hell? Didn’t those bombs fucking VAPORIZE people in the first movie?
JAMES winds up in a hospital with AMNESIA, because this movie is basically a DAYTIME SOAP OPERA with some superheroes occasionally.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Hey buddy. I heard you have amnesia. Do you remember anything, like maybe about us being arch-rivals?
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
I don’t actually have amnesia, dude. I’m just hoping to lay low and disassociate myself from this awful cartoon of a movie. I mean, I got dispatched the way Sylvester the cat does when he chases Tweety. It even had a ‘boing’ sound.
KIRSTEN DUNST
(sobbing)
Tobey! I just got the reviews! They said I was wooden, mousy, terribly miscast, annoying to watch, and awful at singing!
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wow, they hated the play that much?
KIRSTEN DUNST
Play? No, these are the early reviews for this movie. They also called me snaggletooth!
Suddenly, a crane goes out of control downtown, threatening the lives of an office full of people, including BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, a girl from TOBEY’S class on COMIC BOOK PHYSICS.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
I’ve got to go save the only girl in the movie more irritating than you. Sorry.
No less than THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES into the movie, TOBEY finally dons his costume and we actually see the title character.
EXT. DOWNTOWN
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD dangles from a ledge as a crane destroys large sections of an office building, presumably killing many people.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
I’m dangling! It’s amazing how often people in this city wind up dangling from something, given that it’s kind of the only thing Tobey is really good for.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Fear not, the man with the body of a superhero and the voice of a 12-year-old boy is here!
The chief of police, now played by recognizable actor JAMES CROMWELL, arrives on the scene.
TOPHER GRACE
Oh no, student and part-time model Bryce Dallas Howard is in danger. This is unfortunate for you because you since you are her father! It is also unfortunate for me, aspiring photographer and all-around douchebag, because I am dating her! Did all of that exposition sound natural, or totally forced?
JAMES CROMWELL
Meh, as bad as it was, it was still better than the writing on my season of 24.
CGI TOBEY rescues BRYCE as enormous slabs of concrete fall and smash the people on the ground. Having saved the cute blond girl, he leaves.
CRANE OPERATOR
What the fuck? Didn’t this scene start by showing me in mortal peril? Are you just going to let me die?
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Sorry, I only rescue people if they’re dangling. Call one of the other hundreds of Marvel superheroes that live in New York City. I hear Daredevil needs work.
TOBEY and KIRSTEN bore us with some more relationship problems.
KIRSTEN DUNST
I’m so sick of never having any time with you. Plus my career sucks and I’m taking it out on you.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wait a minute, at the end of the last film, you begged me to get into a relationship with you, knowing full well that I’m Spider-Man and that I have responsibilities beyond just being a boyfriend. I spent two whole movies saying a relationship was a bad idea because I’m a superhero, and you told me you can handle it, but now you can’t, just because you’re lonely?
KIRSTEN DUNST
Yep.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wow. What a complete and total fucking bitch.
KIRSTEN DUNST
Plus I’m also pissed that Bryce kissed you.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Aren’t you an actress? Don’t you kiss people in plays all the time? How is this any different? Besides, I’ve saved you from certain death at least a dozen times. I’ve earned the right to be the meat in a stripper sandwich if I want.
TOBEY visits the police station to get away from KIRSTEN.
INT. POLICE STATION
JAMES CROMWELL talks to TOBEY and ROSEMARY.
JAMES CROMWELL
So, yeah, it turns out that the guy you thought killed your uncle wasn’t the guy. Turns out it’s Thomas Haden Church, conveniently the villain for this movie.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Why? It doesn’t add anything to his character at all. God this movie sucks.
ROSEMARY HARRIS
I don’t understand - you knew about this when he was in prison, why didn’t you tell us then?
JAMES CROMWELL
We didn’t want to upset you.
ROSEMARY HARRIS
Then why are you telling us now?
JAMES CROMWELL
Didn’t you just hear your nephew? This movie sucks, that’s why.
INT. TOBEY’S APARTMENT
TOBEY tries to sleep, but that BLACK OOZE that we forgot about from the first ten minutes of the movie decides to make an appearance. It turns his costume black for some reason.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
This new suit! It’s so much more powerful, which I will illustrate by performing stunts that I performed in prior movies while wearing my regular suit.
He combs his hair down, so that the audience knows when he’s in EMO TOBEY mode. New costume ready, CGI TOBEY finds THOMAS HADEN CHURCH and kicks his sandy ass.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
My name is Tobey Maguire. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
I’m not a bad guy. Just a guy that’s had some bad luck.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Then why the fuck are you the villain for this movie?
They fight some more, and TOBEY wins, using his new power of BEING KIND OF A DICK.
Meanwhile, KIRSTEN DUNST visits JAMES FRANCO and dances with him. Eventually, she kisses him. This sends TOBEY over the edge into PURE EVIL, illustrated by him demanding cookies from his landlord’s daughter, putting his feet on desks, popping his collar, and dancing his way down the street like a ASSCLOWN.
He does throw a bomb at the significantly-more-evil JAMES FRANCO, though, so that’s kind of EVIL.
EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE
I’m going to take Bryce Dallas Howard to the jazz club where Kirsten works now and make her jealous.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
Are you sure you wouldn’t rather doing something interesting, like fight the villain?
EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE
Nah, people had enough interesting action sequences in the last two movies. Petty relationship squabbles are what people want to see now.
KIRSTEN DUNST sings for the SECOND FUCKING TIME in the movie, and TOBEY launches into the THIRD DANCE SEQUENCE in order to make KIRSTEN jealous. Also, WILLEM DAFOE makes an obvious and distracting cameo, which is meant to be CUTE but is actually CONFUSING for those who notice him, which includes EVERYONE.
KIRSTEN DUNST
You’re such a jerk now, Tobey. If only there was some way I could get back at you for embarrassing me. Like reveal that you’re Spider-Man and ruin your life. Something like that would be great.
EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wow, you and James Franco really are perfect for each other.
During the sequence, TOBEY accidentally knocks KIRSTEN down. Everyone GASPS.
EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE
What the fuck, I threw a bomb at my friend’s face in the last scene and nobody cared, but I accidentally hit a girl and finally people are buying that I’m an asshole when I wear the black suit?
TOBEY puts the rest of his costume on, specifically in order to go to a CHURCH and rip the entire thing off. TOPHER GRACE happens to walk into the same church at the same time, because DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI has COMPLETELY STOPPED CARING.
AUDIENCE
Alright, what the hell? I thought this movie was supposed to have Venom. There’s like twenty minutes left. More Venom! More Venom!
The BLACK OOZE grabs TOPHER and turns him into VENOM.
AUDIENCE
Oh my god, he looks ridiculous. Am I watching the Spiderman cartoon now or something? Less Venom! Less Venom!
TOPHER GRACE finds THOMAS HADEN CHURCH.
TOPHER GRACE
So I think we should team up to kill Tobey.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Yeah, killing people is awesome. For the record though, I’m not a bad guy.
TOPHER GRACE
Great. So the plan is, I’ll act like my nerdy, sarcastic character from That 70’s Show, and when Tobey is distracted thinking how shameful it is to bring an iconic character like Venom to the screen like that, I’ll hit him with a cinder block.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
It’s good, but there needs to be more dangling.
TOPHER dangles KIRSTEN DUNST, a car, and a truck.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Oh no! Dangling! I’m needed!
KIRSTEN DUNST
Tobey! I need your help!
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Right, I’ll have you down in a minute!
KIRSTEN DUNST
No, I need your help understanding how the bad guys even knew to abduct me this time. How does Topher even know who I am, let alone that I’m dating Spider-Man?
TOBEY tries to rescue KIRSTEN, but THOMAS turns into a giant glob of dirt and TOPHER uses his powers of irritating comic relief. Suddenly, JAMES FRANCO shows up to help.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
You came to help!
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
Nah, I came because I wanted to be in the credits above the guy from Wings.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Okay. I’ll take the guy who has the same powers as me. You take the enormous, invulnerable monster that cannot be killed or stopped.
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
Sounds fair.
They FIGHT. JAMES discovers that superheating THOMAS turns him into breakable glass, but he doesn’t use that to defeat him. Eventually THOMAS is knocked over.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Rather than turn back into the monster and resume wreaking havoc, I’m just going to give up and morph into a human for no good reason until the fight is over.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Alright! Now that Thomas has just given up entirely, we can both focus on Topher. Surely the two of us together can kill him.
TOPHER stabs JAMES with his own stupid surfboard. Suddenly, TOBEY uses some metal pipes to make an annoying ringing sound.
TOPHER GRACE
NO! RINGING! MY ONE WEAKNESS!
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wow, that’s like the worst weakness in comic book history. A fucking phone call would knock you on your ass.
TOBEY throws one of JAMES’S PUMPKIN BOMBS at TOPHER.
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting)
Tobey, no! It’ll kill him!
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
No it won’t. I’ve thrown two of these things at your head in this movie, they don’t do shit.
The bomb explodes, completely vaporizing TOPHER and his SUIT.
CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE
Alright, what the FUCK?
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH confronts TOBEY.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Dude, I’m totally sorry about killing your uncle.
(crying)
Forgive me.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
(crying)
I forgive you, on the condition you don’t smash me against steel beams anymore.
KIRSTEN DUNST
(crying)
*sniff*, I really wanted another singing sequence.
JAMES FRANCO
(squinting and crying)
What is this, an episode of Dr. Phil? Why are we all crying?
(dies)
AUDIENCE
Twenty minutes of a stupid-looking, nerdy Venom… half the movie devoted to relationship troubles… a whiny hero Sandman… and 5 scenes containing either singing or dancing…
(crying)
Why, why, why couldn’t this movie have been any good?
END
Perfect! One of your best, Rod! Especially the bit about how Sam Raimi stopped caring. I liked Spider-Man 3 but this was just brilliant.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:45 pmThis movie really was dogshit.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:13 pmThis ranks right up there, Rod. Pure awesomeness. Although I managed to enjoy the movie, I definitely see where you’re coming from on all of this stuff. I especially enjoyed your take on the grenade stupidity and the fact that a cell phone call would have taken Venom down :P
July 31st, 2007 at 6:32 pmWhy-oh-why can’t movie-makers use some LOGIC in their films? it’s like a mandatory requirement that there’s plot holes big enough to drive a truck through anymore, huh?
Makes one yearn for Star Wars ;-)
July 31st, 2007 at 8:02 pmOh my goodness, the squinting was good.
July 31st, 2007 at 8:13 pmAwesome script man, very funny. But in Sam’s defense, I truly believe this to be a case of studio execs taking their greed for money too far & forcing stupid edits resulting in the crap that was released. The Spider-man fan inside me is hoping so much that, like Kingdom Of Heaven which was complete shit in theatres, Spider-man 3 will get a director’s cut treatment on DVD adding in missing / alternate scenes to improve the film.
Someone on Rotten Tomatoes has posted lots of pics of deleted scenes & theres tons literally, so I have a really good feeling bout a possible director’s cut & seeing as how 1 & 2 were good movies, I do believe it to be studio execs fault, not Sam’s.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:17 pmThis was worth it for the Inigo Montoya reference alone. :)
And the squinting was great. Much like “Angelina Jolie’s Lips” in your Tomb Raider script.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:29 pmExceptionally well-written script, but I found I couldn’t enjoy it nearly as much as the scripts for the other Spider-Man… Mans? …Men. It reminded me of the god-awfulness of this movie which I had apparently repressed until now. We saw it opening night. What a disappointment, much like X-Men 3. It seems like the third installments of comic book movies all suck.
July 31st, 2007 at 10:24 pmI guess Fantastic 4 could break the trend by having the third installment be the only GOOD one in the series.
*praise*
July 31st, 2007 at 10:53 pmI just laughed so hard, my sides hurt.
Definitely a winner.
The script, not the movie.
The lines about the dangling and the stripper sandwich= Absolute Comedic Gold.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:17 amOh my goodness, I feel so vindicated. Most people I know liked this movie; I had to drive to a parking lot afterwards to yell my frustration and make a pen-and-paper list of its inadequacies. I’m pretty easy to please, so when I’m THAT disappointed, I KNOW it’s genuinely awful.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:57 amLoved the reference to “Princess Bride” and “the meat in a stripper sandwich” bit.
You come up with the best lines, and I promise if I use them in real life that I will give you credit for them.
Keep up the great work Rod.
August 1st, 2007 at 8:22 amwhen the movie ended in the theater some guy said out loud “well that sucked” and the whole audiance went yup. fucking trainwreck of a movie
August 1st, 2007 at 9:06 amExcuse me, but are there two of us with the same name on this board? Because the first post wasn’t mine.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:14 am(squints)
I’m happy I’m not the only one who wanted Kirsten Dunce out of there.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:40 amFunny to see the fanboys trying to defend their beloved ass cock movie. I thought this script was a great read, I was a little disapointed, seems like you held back from just slamming the film over and over.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:27 pmThank you, Rod! I personally think the entire Spider-Man trilogy is a load of shit and I am so disappointed when people line up around the block to see them. The dialogue has always been SO horrible. How can everyone ignore that?!
This is truly one of your best!
August 1st, 2007 at 1:13 pm(Squinting)
I believe you forgot the hideous american flag cameo just before the final fight sequence, when Spider-Man was gliding and then suddendly as he lands on top of a building you see for a few frames the american flag on the background. That sucked major ass.
All in all a good script. I hated the movie, particularly the eMo-Peter. I remember when I saw it during the scene where he walks in front of a mirror and then combs his hair over one eye someone stood up and yelled “FUCKING EMO”, and everyone laughed…
August 1st, 2007 at 3:04 pmWow awesome stuff, I was really disappointed with your transformers script but this one is just great, so perfect. I’m really pissed when people dismiss franco being ok after being hit by the bombs as “because he has superpowers” for the record I liked both Transformers and SM3 but this is definitely the better script by far. One of your best
August 1st, 2007 at 3:38 pmBrillant, one of the best scripts on this site. I laughed a lot and Rod found some really good weaknesses in that movie that I didn’t even notice.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:11 pmGreat work. :)
You have no idea how happy you made me with the ”emo-spidey” reference. Absolutely hilarious.Every damn thing is true. THIS MOVIE SUCKED! Everyone around me enjoyed this load of crap and I wanted to punch them in the face.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:08 pmI’m so glad someone else noticed how the grenades would cause minor injuries in one instance and then COMPLETELY fucking vaporize something.
Awesome script.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:19 pmHow’s the pie?
*ridiculous cheesy grin* SO good.
*wink at camera*
Best scene in the movie because it made me stop trying to take it seriously at all.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:51 pmOne of your best. laughed out loud, ASSCLOWN you should be given a medal.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:23 pmHadn’t thought of the “only if they’re dangling” angle before. Yeah, that DOES seem like an “Only Spidey can save them now” thing. Maybe if a villain tried to kill Mary-Jane by puttign her in the bottom of a giant ceiling fixture…
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:00 amA bit too long to read, but enjoyable nonetheless. I guess the length shows just how many discrepancies the film had.
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:57 am::squinting:: for the win
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:27 amYou’ve finally equalled your Star Wars and Lord of the Rings scripts. This is perfect, really. I love your take on the creation of Sandman–I personally think that the “VillainMaster 2007″ looks like it was invented by Ron Popeil. I loved Spiderman3, but only because I’m a die-hard fan of B-movies, and this one was so beautifully mockable.
Also, just to share a funny moment from the theater, I saw this with my mother. When the black goo drips down onto Topher Grace in the church, my mother turned to me and said, deadpan, “see, this is my problem with the Catholics”
Keep up the good work, man.
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:24 pmWow you actually wrote about my movie!! you all must really love it!! Man can you all wait for Spider-Man 4?! Imma put Sandman back in it!! and Carnage!! and Carnage will be played by Ashton Kutcher!!! HAAHAHHA!!!!
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:24 pmMy cheeks hurt. I couldn’t stop laughing! Seriously, this is now officially my favorite of all your scripts, hands down. Don’t listen to people fussing about the length; the longer the better, I say! You still managed to abridge nearly everything crappy about this shit-monument of a movie into a single page, and I loved reading every bit of it. BEST ABRIDGED SCRIPT EVER.
August 2nd, 2007 at 6:25 pmI can’t believe you forgot the butler who exists to shamble together Jame’s 11th hour face turn and could’ve saved him a few years of grief by just being open with the squinting bastard.
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:45 pmIf you keep this up the abridged scripts will end up longer than the original ones. :P
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:47 pmSquinting AND crying, hahaha poor James Franco
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:50 pmGreat script, although I did enjoy the movie (knowing it sucked)
Brilliant. One of the best yet. Then again it’s easy to make fun of movies that just don’t seem to give a shit about the audience anymore.
BTW, I loved James Cromwell’s reaction in SM3 when his daughter, Bryce, was “dangling” from a rusty nail 250 floors up whilst getting periodically molested by flying furniture: “What’s she doing up there?”
Topher’s was quite interesting, too. “Ooh, my girlfriend’s gonna die. I’d better get some pics.”
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:58 amMagnificent.
The only caveat is that you miss the wonderful scene with Tobey’s professor.
“Just by looking at this black goo, I can tell the it exhibits the proprieties of a symbiont.”
Worst - high - budget - movie - ever.
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:26 amRod,
Well done man, and I personally did not think that your abridged script was too long. Then again, I never saw Spiderman 3 (I had no desire to) yet reading your abridged script more than sufficed. Not to mention that I didn’t need to flush $11.00 down the toilet to see it when I could just come to your sight and get the gist of the film while being better entertained. Keep up the fantastic work.
One request. Perhaps you could attempt abridged scripts of classics like Animal House or Caddyshack. Or abridged scripts of films that are so bad that they are good (a la Flash Gordon). Maybe add that as your next site visitor poll.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:33 amVenom knew about Mary Jane because the black alien is a symbiote. When it attached itself to Peter it knew everything that he knew. Then when it attached itself to Eddie Brock, HE knew everything that IT knew, meaning that he knew Peter was Spider-Man, and that he was dating Mary Jane, and all that stuff. Anyone who reads the comics/watched the tv show as a child would know this, so did you pretend like it was incomprehensible?
Also Venom’s weakness isn’t ringing, it’s sonics. That is why Peter was only able to remove it one the Church bell was sounding all around him. The sonics mean that the symbiote can’t maintain its attachment to the host, and once it doesn’t have a host, it can be destroyed. The only way to destroy it, though, is with fire, which was why the bomb worked. The bomb didn’t suddenly become more powerful - it set the symbiote on fire, and the symbiote was vaporised. That’s not a plot contrivance - it’s keeping to the character traits set up by the comics. As with the knowing about Mary Jane thing, anyone who had ever read the comics or watched the tv show would’ve known this.
August 5th, 2007 at 4:42 amComikite:
Truly the mark of a great film: the requirement that you are intricately familiar with the source material before watching.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:00 amLet me tell you something about myself Rod. I don’t laugh easily. Usually just a titter. Yet even in stitches, I don’t usually release the kind of laughter this script gave me… it’s reserved for the truly hysterical, when my throat closes up from laughter overload, I get cottonmouth, and emit horrifying cackles that sound like Christopher Walken. I was doing this nonstop.
Everything was so spot-on. I’m glad I saw this film with a free pass, but I still want the hour I spent waiting for a good spot back. I noticed all the things you said here. And I gotta say, you’ve changed the word “dangle” forever — for me at least. I’ll grin everytime I hear it from now on.
Oh how I BEG of you to lambast Live Free or Die Hard. PLEASE. Just about everything was wrong with that film, and it needs a good spanking for writing its climax around not saying McClane’s trademark line alone!
August 5th, 2007 at 3:24 pmSonics, ringing, same thing.
So why did the bombs vaporize people so fast in the first movie?
August 5th, 2007 at 5:39 pmWell when a movie is based on source material rather than making up its own background, then yeah, I think it’s fair to say that the audience should know the source material before watching. They wouldn’t have had to be lifelong comic geeks to know that stuff, either. They could’ve just watched the Spider-Man cartoon when they were kids. It’s not intricate knowledge, it’s just…knowledge.
Ryan, presumably in the first movie it was because they were Norman Osbourne’s design. Harry was working from his dad’s models but he made his own equipment. In case you didn’t notice, his board and suit were a tad different from the first goblin’s as well.
August 5th, 2007 at 6:24 pmregardless of plot holes or the lack there-of, this script was still hilarious. If rod wrote a movie, I would definitely go see it.
August 5th, 2007 at 10:20 pmComikite, you can’t argue that people have to have read the comics or watched the cartoon in order to enjoy the movie. Hell, if we’re restricting the audience only to people who read The Amazing Spider-Man then the movies would never make any money! Rod is right, it is lazy storytelling. I HAVE read the comics, so I got it (as did you, clearly), but the fact remains that this info - along with Venom’s sonic weakness - is just thrown at the screen by Raimi and co and not properly explained or established.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:40 amI didn’t say that they have to read the comics to enjoy the movie. I said that the background knowledge would let them understand why that stuff happened. People who don’t want to think too deeply about the source material don’t care why it happens. That’s why the majority of people don’t care enough to argue about it.
With that said, though, I think that these things aren’t *difficult* to understand. The Venom suit freaked out during the scene with the bell, so it was pretty obvious that it didn’t like noise, and that was how Spidey got rid of it. That Venom knew everything that Spidey did was less clear, and you’re right, it didn’t have to be. They could’ve explained it if they’d taken the time.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:04 pmComikite:
I don’t get it. Ringing bothered Venom in the church. Parker remembered it, then used ringing again to defeat him.
How is the conclusion “obviously, sonics” rather than “obviously, ringing”? It’s not like noise bothered Venom in the movie. He held Spiderman down as Sandman smashed him over and over with his stupid sand fist - that was loud and Venom seemed to love it.
It would seem quite apparent that ringing was the problem. If the comic book says it’s noise, not ringing, then I’d have to say Sam Raimi wasn’t loyal to the source material - the Venom in Spiderman 3 is obviously vulnerable to ringing. That’s stupid. So’s the movie.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:13 pmSomething to this extent happened in the first Batman movie with Michael Keaton too; they never explained why the rockets and machine gun fire from the Batwing didn’t kill the Joker during the parade showdown. I happened to read the comic adaptation of the movie later and there it explains that he was invincible because of his lucky deck of cards (???). I think Rod is right, in these big-budget movies, there’s no real excuse why things like this aren’t explained.
August 7th, 2007 at 6:52 amSnow:
That makes me hate the first Batman more than I already do. Didn’t he have the same lucky deck when he fell into a giant vat of acid and burned all of his flesh off? Some fucking lucky deck.
August 7th, 2007 at 7:29 amDude, this is the first time I’m commenting, this script had me in stitches! The best line from the whole thing is the reaction from the 3rd grenade vaporizing Venom…
“Alright, what the FUCK?”
LOL, I couldn’t stop laughing for 20 minutes, tears and all!
It’s like I could totally picture him saying that in surprise…
Man, you the truth…Keep up the good work.
And Do a script on “Heat”, I’ve been emailing you the longest to do one!
August 7th, 2007 at 9:46 amRod:
Thanks for replying. If I remember correctly, we see the deck floating before the Joker’s hand reaches from the vat of acid, so it went in with him. I guess it saved him from dying in there or something…but where was it when he fell off the tower?
There was another thing the comic explains that the movie didn’t: the money the Joker gives out during the parade is supposed to be counterfeit (the bills have his picture on it). He didn’t really have 20 million dollars to throw away, he just made all that up to get enough people into the area so he could kill them with the gas.
Still, the first Batman movie is like Gone with the Wind compared to Batman and Robin, my pick for absolute worst big-budget film ever. :)
August 7th, 2007 at 3:52 pmRod:
Good job on the script.
Personally, I felt that the only reason that corny “forgiveness” scene near the end worked at all was because Thomas Haden Church is a very good actor. Yet the material he was given was, to be blunt, quite pathetic.
I think the “squinting and crying” thing works better for Tobey Maguire, though. You know, for the first time in the trilogy, he REALLY got on my nerves. The other actors were wasted.
I can think of only one more plus point the film had - Bruce Campbell. As Empire Magazine have already said - “For the love of God, just ONE bad guy next time, please?”
August 8th, 2007 at 5:45 amHATED this movie. Great A.S.!
August 8th, 2007 at 1:47 pmI’m surprised you hated Batman (89), Rod. I think it’s one of the best (and certainly most visually interesting) comic book adaps out there.
Anyway I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the Osborne house.
MONDAY
Harry Osborne: I’m going to kill Spider-Man
Butler: Very good sir.
TUESDAY
Harry Osborne: I’m totally going to kill Spider-Man
Butler: Righto sir
WEDNESDAY
Harry Osborne: Spider-Man is soooo dead. I’m going to like, totally kill him.
Butler: Rah rah rah sir
THURSDAY
Harry Osborne: Spider-Man killed my father. This is like, some big time Greek tragedy and shit. I wanna, like, look into his eyes as he dies and shit.
Butler: Sounds spiffing sir.
FRIDAY
Harry Osborne: What an utter cunt that Spider-Man is. Have you seen what he did to my face? He applied a bunch of tame ass prosthesis is what he did, I look like Gerard Butler in The Phantom Of the Opera. That cat is sooo dead!
Butler: Excellent sir.
SATURDAY
Harry Osborne: Well, after a string of failed attempts to kill Spider-Man which have ended up completely ballsing my personal life in every conceivable way I’m certainly going to kill Spider-Man this time.
Butler: Word to that sir!
SUNDAY
Butler: Perhaps it might not be the best moment to mention this sir, but I tended to your father’s wounds and they were consistent with those pointy things on his glider (which apparently I know all about) and I have concluded incontravertibly that your father died in some freak accident of his own contrivance.
Harry Osborne: So… You just sat there doing absolutely fuck all while I injected myself with highly illegal and dangerous super steroids, spent an absolute fuckload on all this high tech weaponry and got the living shit kicked out of me night after night and you didn’t one, JUST ONCE think that this information might have been of some benefit to me. You…. You’re a monster!
Butler: I love you sir.
August 9th, 2007 at 6:54 amRod, you hate Batman? Strange! I think it’s one of the most visually interesting superhero films ever, Batman Returns even moreso. I find it a lot more engaging than the overly glossy and insubstantial paint by numbers superhero flicks of today!
August 9th, 2007 at 7:12 amDan:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You said it!
August 10th, 2007 at 4:18 pmThat was great, man! Pity you haven’t mentioned Bruce Campbell though. For me, he was pretty much the only highlight of the movie. Otherwise, great as always, dude. Keep up the good work!
August 12th, 2007 at 7:48 amSpider-Man 3 was a good movie in my eyes, I except change, even if its alot. I don’t except Batman Begins, that movie sucked. But hey why are all of you here talking about Spiderman, go see TRANSFORMERS again. You know that movie was better, and all of you who talk shit about movies like your experts, why don’t all of you try to go to film school and see if you can all stop these movies and make them better, or are all of you clue-less to writing a selling film?
August 14th, 2007 at 6:01 pmRod, I’ve been reading your abridged scripts for years and this is another great addition. Man, you were right on the money with this script and gave me a lot of laughs.
I appreciate how your contempt for much of the idiotic bs in this film really shined through.
I was rather put out by this film in many ways and you managed to touch on much of it in some fashion. I also agree with your above comment: “Truly the mark of a great film: the requirement that you are intricately familiar with the source material before watching.” Despite the fact that I knew the actual reason that comikite mentioned, the general public would have no fucking clue. Thus, it is a shortcoming of the narrative.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:17 pmWhile I did enjoy this movie, I have to say this script is absolutely brilliant.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:58 pmDafoe has a cameo during the jazz club dance scene? Crap, now I have to see this movie again …
August 17th, 2007 at 9:30 amRod: I forgot to thank you for tearing Kirsten Dunst a new asshole. My sister and I have been calling her “snaggletooth” for years.
Comikite: When Hollywood adapts a book or comic into a film, most of the time they botch it up so badly that I bet they would pay people NOT to read the source material first. The point is, the movie should be able to stand on its own. For fans of “The Dark is Rising,” this will be the latest in a long line of great books turned into a multi-million-dollar pile of shit.
August 20th, 2007 at 6:24 amTo fill people in:
Yes, the first Tim Burton Batman movie sucked. Here’s how you can prove it to yourself.
Go find someone whose opinion you value. Girlfriend, best mate, whatever - but make sure they’ve never seen Batman.
Then tell him/her how awesome it is. Then watch it TOGETHER. This will force you to see the movie the way they are seeing it: for the first time, as an adult.
If you haven’t realized how idiotic the movie is by the time Batman yells “shields” into his bat-microphone, you should go run naked through a mall because you are incapable of being embarrassed. That’s assuming you could make it that far, since your friend will probably beat your ass for making him/her watch this garbage with you.
“I don’t get it, is Jack Nicholson supposed to be scary? Why is he acting like such a douchebag?”
There are a lot of movies/shows we all fondly remember from our younger years as being awesome, but in reality they fucking sucked, but we were too stupid to see it. Go watch an old episode of He-Man or Thundercats - you’ll wish you never had revisited your younger-self’s favorites. “What the fuck, is the bad guy a mummy? I don’t remember that shit.”
Remember how totally funny “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” was when you saw it way way back in the day? Guess what, it fucking sucks, and you’ll want to kill yourself for liking it if you ever go re-watch it.
Remember how totally scary “IT” was when you saw it at that slumber party? Go tell a friend today how scary it is and then watch it with that person. Public castration doesn’t come close to matching your humiliation.
Batman is one of those movies as well. Don’t go re-watch it now, or you’ll wonder how you ever took Jack’s The Joker seriously, or why you bought into the whole “Batwing” concept. Batman is only good compared to shit like Batman and Robin or Batman Forever. It’s fucking dog shit otherwise, especially compared to Batman Begins.
August 20th, 2007 at 10:42 amThis has been bugging me: I’ve heard other people pondering the reason for the hopelessly ridiculous sandman killing Uncle Benny twist.
August 21st, 2007 at 4:29 amWell, I don’t know for sure, but I would assume that it was shoved in there to give Peter an excuse to seek revenge, don the black CG and thus turn into an emo-nerd and give rise to lessons like: “don’t seek revenge.”
Rod, Great work on the script! I’ve been visiting this sight for over a 2 years now and it never fails to entertain me.
Plus, I TOTALLY agree with you on the first Batman movie. I could never see the reason why some people love the first Batman movie over Batman Begins. It’s really a nostalgia thing.
Either way, Keep up the good work!
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:21 pmRod,
Let’s agree to disagree mate, I see your point though.
One thing I will say, the Batman Animated Series which I just saw for the first time in 10 years is every bit as wonderful as I remember!
And Re: Batman Begins. While it is an excellent and finely crafted film I really don’t understand Christopher Nolan’s insistence on grounding Batman in a superficial reality. It’s a guy who dresses as a giant bat. And that’s pretty fucked! The more you try to intellectualise and rationalise it the more you’re just going to end up chasing your tail!
August 24th, 2007 at 4:06 amYeah, and the more money he spends on gadgets and vehicles, the more you wonder why he doesn’t try harder to help poor people directly and prevent his city from becoming so crime-ridden in the first place.
Let’s face it, if Batman is popular because of nostalgia, then Batman Begins is popular because it’s the latest thing.
August 24th, 2007 at 4:53 pmThat wasn’t Willem Dafoe, there was just one background extra who really, really looked like him.
August 25th, 2007 at 6:25 amI heard daredevil needs work. lol
August 25th, 2007 at 1:45 pmIf you wanted to show how idiotic “Spider-Man 3″ was, all you needed to write was “A guy fights crime while wearing a spandex bodysuit and a codpiece. Oh, and Kirsten Dunst doesn’t show her titties and vagina. Again.” In fact, you could just use that for every superhero movie.
August 31st, 2007 at 8:51 pmi couldnt stop laughing, especially when i read the bit about tobey walking down the street like an assclown, that just completely finished me. lol
September 6th, 2007 at 1:16 pm“They fight some more, and TOBEY wins, using his new power of BEING KIND OF A DICK.”
For some reason that was my favorite line.
W/ the grenades, I just assumed that he had different kinds of bombs. No clue why it didn’t totally melt Franco’s entire (squinting) body, though.
Believe it or not, I actually managed to somewhat enjoy this film. Seeing it with a girl makes it bearable, I guess.
September 11th, 2007 at 8:16 amAwesome script–very, very, very funny. Keep ‘em coming. :) A thousand times funnier than so called “comdies” coming from Hollywood these days.
BTW, I would jump for joy if you published a Superman Returns script!!! :D That would be beyond sweet!
September 14th, 2007 at 3:03 pmThanks for letting me enjoy something that had to do with this movie.
September 25th, 2007 at 5:05 pmThis was awesome and your site has inspired me to make a related website.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:19 pmAgreed with most everyone else — this is def. one of your better scripts. I’d quote my favorite parts but that would, uh, get pretty long.
Sadly, I actually liked the movie. Just makes me even more bitter that everything you say IS TRUE.
October 1st, 2007 at 7:50 pmIt’s refreshing to see someone who noticed everything I did, when I saw this cheesefest on opening night. I had to wait in a long line-up outside the door in the theater, while the theater clerks wrangled us around like cattle.
My date liked the movie, but I sure as hell didn’t. I wasn’t pleased with the whole Emo Peter Parker bullshit. WTF was that all about? Why were there dance numbers in a fucking Spider-Man film? And when Venom and Sandman team up, how the fuck does Venom know all about Sandman’s daughter? Does the black ooze make him psychic? Stupid!
October 11th, 2007 at 8:29 pmHahaha god you’re a genius. I loved the narration of the final fight scene. “Eventually, Thomas is knocked over” hahahahhaha
January 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pmTo disagree long after the fact:
1) Tim Burton’s Batman movies are awesome.
2) Batman Begins was good until about the point where Bale puts on the Batman suit. And the film goes downhill from there. As it stands, it’s about 65% of a good film and the rest is assshit. And every time I hear someone sing its praises I go into a rage. A RAGE, you understand.
3) A number of films I watched as a kid don’t hold up nowadays, but there are some that do, and those I can still watch with other people without an inch of embarassment. My friends all hated Cloak and Dagger and I made them sit through it with me. So what? Fuck them if they don’t like it.
January 1st, 2008 at 7:32 pm“This sends TOBEY over the edge into PURE EVIL, illustrated by him demanding cookies from his landlord’s daughter”
January 16th, 2008 at 3:35 pmI busted a gut. God you are a funny man.
Wait I’m not done:
But yes, this along with the golden compass one are probably your funniest scripts ever. Keep em comin like this!
January 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm“Do I ever die in the comics? God I’m sick of being in these movies, couldn’t I die?”
Nope. Even if you die, Petey the devil-worshipper will ruin continuity just to bring you back to life.
January 16th, 2008 at 10:19 pmI laughed out loud for some reason at the part,
February 11th, 2008 at 7:15 pm“CGI TOBEY finds THOMAS HADEN CHURCH and kicks his sandy ass.”
this is pure genius.
thank you, just the outlet i need, seeing others state the truth about this movie.
the worst film ever made in my opinion…so damn awful. about 5 months on and im still trying to recover.
April 19th, 2008 at 1:44 pmWas great, but missing the worst written sequence in the entire film (and that’s saying something): The scene between James Franco and his wise old butler right before he turns good. That’s when started crying during the movie.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:51 pmSuperbly satirical, I love the ’shit eating’ grin, why does he always wear that? Also your stuff on venom was spot on, he was shit in this film. They wasted one of the best villains, I mean they cast fucking Topher Grace.
May 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 amI don’t think you can criticize the movie for following the comics in that peter relinquishes the symbiote with the church bell as eddie goes into the church (or was that only in the cartoons?) and that sonic blasts are what hurt the symbiote…
but you’re right. topher grace is a pussy and the movie sucked balls.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:25 pmActually Russ I don’t have any problem with how the origin played out, (after all that’s how it was in all the other versions of spiderman, not just the cartoon.) I just had a problem with the fact that it wasn’t even sonics for film venom, just ringing. I mean Spiderman beat him up with a set of fucking pipes. And the actual Eddie Brock was really ripped and muscular bloke who had basically been bitchslapped by spiderman and parker one too many times. Not a pissy blonde streak of piss that set out vendettas after somebody did something he didn’t like. Biggest mistake that hollywood ever made.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:05 pm