Emile sees the list of roles he will never get because he agreed to take this one.


Emile sees the list of roles he will never get because he agreed to take this one.

SPEED RACER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OPENING CREDITS

THE WACHOWSKIS take the entire COLOR SPECTRUM and waste no time bludgeoning the AUDIENCE in THE GODDAMN FACE with it and IT NEVER! EVER! STOPS!!!!!!!!

THE WACHOWSKIS

(giggling)

INT. REALLY FAKE LOOKING SCHOOL

YOUNG EMILE HIRSCH has not been taking his RITALIN so his ADD is off the fucking charts.

His mom SUSAN SARANDON meets with the PRINCIPAL.

PRINCIPAL

Ma’am, your son is a total dumbass. He has failed every single test and pop quiz he’s taken. He even failed the “write your name” part. All he cares about is car driving. He needs serious help.

SUSAN SARANDON

(smiles politely while staring off into space)

PRINCIPAL

Wait, why are your eyes so glassy? And why do you look high off your ass? Have you been taking your son’s Ritalin?

SUSAN SARANDON

(drools on self)

YOUNG EMILE leaves school and enters a REALLY FAKE LOOKING CARTOON WORLD.

YOUNG EMILE

Da fuq is this?

NOT MATTHEW FOX

Hey little bro. To hell with all this edumacation bullshit. How would you like to go drive a race car!

YOUNG EMILE

Dude, I’m like 10. And the last time you let me drive I rolled the car and lost my front teeth.

NOT MATTHEW FOX

So I’ve actually let you drive before and you got into an accident? Haven’t our parents disowned me for almost killing you?

YOUNG EMILE

Turns out idiocy is hereditary.

YOUNG EMILE sits in NOT MATTHEW’s lap as he drives a RACE CAR.

NOT MATTHEW FOX

Cars are alive, just like Santa and the Easter Bunny. You just have to listen to them.

YOUNG EMILE

So your advice is to drive an insanely fast race car with my eyes closed?

NOT MATTHEW FOX

Exactly. Wait, so am I the villain here or what?

EXT. RACE TRACK FROM EXTREME-G, ONLY ON NINTENDO 64 - YEARS LATER

Adult EMILE HIRSCH is a RACER RACING a RACE CAR in a RACE!

CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT;

EMILE HIRSCH

My brother Not Matthew was the greatest racer ever until he died in a mysterious crash in which his remains were burned beyond recognition. Now I honor his memory by driving slower than him!

ROGER ALLAM

Emile, I am a rich and powerful racing enthusiast. Also I am evil. Come work for me.

EMILE HIRSCH

No!

ROGER ALLAM

Why not?!

EMILE HIRSCH

Dude, you just said you were evil!

ROGER ALLAM

I did? Shit. Must be all this fuck-ugly purple I’m wearing. Also my Britishness.

EMILE HIRSCH

You see Roger, I’m all folksy and sentimental and I race because it means something to me and not just because I want to make money.

ROGER ALLAM

Oh? Then how exactly do you pay for that super fast and super expensive car of yours? I mean with you and your family being dumber than a bag of hammers and all. You should be on your knees kissing my asshole for all the money I’m throwing at you. Sign this contract!

EMILE HIRSCH

No deal!

ROGER ALLAM

I’ll teach you not to work for an evil CEO!

ROGER sabotages EMILE’s next race and he CRASHES but is saved by MAGIC SOAP BUBBLES.

INT. EMILE’S HOUSE

EMILE is visited by MASKED MATTHEW FOX who is a notorious RACE CAR DRIVERER.

MATTHEW FOX

(stoically)

Emile, I work for an organization that’s trying to stop Roger from fixing races and thereby bring down his illegal car empire, somehow. I have recruited fellow driverer and Asian pop sensation Rain to help us.

RAIN

I have “evidence” that Roger is a rat fuck son of a bitch, but I will only share it if we win this underground race and drive up the stock of my father’s failing company.

EMILE HIRSCH

Huh? I thought this was a kid’s flick about race car driving?

RAIN

Didn’t you know? Kids love stories about corporate takeovers.

EMILE HIRSCH

Well seeing as that we’ve already established me as a total moron I don’t understand a bit of what’s going on, all I heard was “race” so I’m in. But I’ll need the help of my girlfriend Christina Ricci.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Ugh, don’t tell me I’m just playing your love interest.

EMILE HIRSCH

Of course not. You fly a helicopter and reveal yourself to be just as good at car driving as at least Rain is.

CHRISTINA RICCI

I am? Then why the hell am I wasting my time being your arm piece when I could be starting a successful racing career of my own?

EMILE HIRSCH

Because you can't be my love interest AND independently successful at something, stupid. Now let's race!

EXT. RACE TRACK FROM MARIO KART 64

EMILE, MATTHEW and RAIN RACE RACERS in a RACE for RACE! But ROGER has bribed all of the other RACERS to kill EMILE’s team in INCREASINGLY SILLY WAYS.

CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT; FUCKING REPEAT;

EMILE HIRSCH

Can’t the announcers see all the blatant cheating going on?

MATTHEW FOX

How can they? What, with all the hundreds of cameras and dozens of helicopters hovering 10 feet over us? How can we expect them to see a guy trying to kill us with a huge pair of spiked truck nuts?

RAIN

Then let’s car-fu their asses to death!

THIS HAPPENS. CAR-FU IS A THING. NO ONE WITH EYES IS IMPRESSED.

MATTHEW FOX

Wait, how are we all hearing each other so clearly while driving topless cars at 300mph?

RAIN

Not to mention all the bugs and dust flying into our uncovered mouths.

EMILE HIRSCH

And did someone seriously just try to throw a fucking bee hive at me? Jesus, the tone of this movie is all over the place. What next? Is someone going to pull out a gun and start shooting at me?

THE WACHOWSKIS

(writes that down)

EMILE and his team lose the RACE of RACES!

INT. CARTOON HOTEL

EMILE is tracked down by his father JOHN GOODMAN, along with his son SCOTT PORTER and his monkey CHIM CHIM, who are SO SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING that to simply mention them any further would probably cause a rip in the SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM and bring an END TO EXISTENCE AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT so let’s just all pretend they DO NOT FUCKING EXIST EVER, SHALL WE?

JOHN GOODMAN

EMILE! HOW DARE YOU RACE THIS DANGEROUS RACE I TOLD YOU NOT TO RACE! A RACE WHICH KILLED YOUR BELOVED BROTHER AND oh look I don’t care anymore so I’ll help you win now.

Everyone goes to sleep and ROGER sends THE FOOT CLAN to kill EMILE and his team. However, THE FOOT CLAN maintain their stellar record of ZERO WINS even when not fighting GIANT TURTLES.

EMILE HIRSCH

Holy shit! I can’t believe those ninja impersonators just tried to kill us!

RAIN

I know! And they gave me food poisoning so I can’t race!

EMILE HIRSCH

Well I guess you’re dead then.

RAIN

No, it was a nonlethal 24 hour poison.

EMILE HIRSCH

Huh? Wait, so they actually tried to physically MURDER the rest of us but basically just gave you an Ambien?

RAIN

Can you blame them? I mean who would want to kill all of this sexy?

EXT. RACE TRACK FROM NEED FOR SPEED II

EMILE and his RACERS are RACING the RACE!

CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; RAPTURE ME; REPEAT; NO SERIOUSLY PLEASE GOD RAPTURE ME; REPEAT; REPEAT; I MEAN IT; REPEAT;

Meanwhile ROGER’S GOONS try to nab RAIN’s sister NAN YU, but it turns out to be RAIN in DRAG.

ROGER’S GOONS

Oh fuck you, man. So not ONLY did the ninjas not kill their targets, but they gave you a poison that only lasted as long as ONE SCENE TRANSITION?!

RAIN

It turns out wearing a sexy skirt and a sun hat is the best cure for debilitating poisons.

ROGER’S GOONS

So who’s driving your car?

CHRISTINA RICCI

Me, and doing a damn fine job. Seriously, why has no one recognized my awesome driving skills until now? And why didn’t anyone check to make sure Rain was actually driving his car before the race started?

EMILE HIRSCH

Because shut up, Christina.

EMILE and his RACERS are RACING against EVIL RACER CHRISTIAN OLIVER, who is RACING in the RACE for RACE!

CHRISTIAN OLIVER

(twirling mustache)

Hey Christina, how would you like it if I put you in distress thereby giving Emile the chance to rescue you?

CHRISTINA RICCI

I wouldn’t like that one bit--

CHRISTIAN OLIVER

TOO LATE!!!!!!

EMILE saves CHRISTINA with CAR-FU.

EMILE HIRSCH

Great job being a damsel, Christina. Now we need to get you as far away from the plot as soon as possible.

CHRISTINA RICCI

But I didn’t even

(goes back to being just a useless love interest)

Cunts.

EMILE and his TEAM stop inside a SHITTY GREEN-SCREEN CANYON in which none of the 5 TRILLION CAMERAS covering the race are PRESENT, so any of the TV viewers watching this on PAY-PER-VIEW are getting royally FUCKED.

RAIN

Okay I’m back in my car so let’s go!

THE WACHOWSKIS

Not before we shoehorn in another kung fu fight with Roger’s goons!

MATTHEW FOX

But why? I thought this was a racing movie?

THE WACHOWSKIS

Ever since The Matrix it’s in our contract that we must force kung fu into all of our movies no matter how distractingly needless it is!

EMILE HIRSCH

Well okay, but only as long as it’s cool.

It is TOTALLY NOT COOL.

Like, NOT AT ALL.

Like, not even a LITTLE TINY BIT. It’s as if all the SUCK from RELOADED and REVOLUTIONS were compressed into ONE SCENE, molded into a giant HIGH DEFINITION DILDO, and then forced through the AUDIENCE’S EYE SOCKETS, repeatedly for 10 MINUTES.

THE WACHOWSKIS

(giggling)

Meanwhile CHRISTIAN passes them up.

CHRISTIAN OLIVER

Huh? As long as that fight scene took I could have driven around the fucking globe twice, read all 7 Harry Potter books plus the other three books no one cares about, AND I could have won a break dancing contest and still be way in the lead--

EMILE HIRSCH

Aaaaand I’ve won.

CHRISTIAN OLIVER

I hope someone bashes your face in with canned goods.

EMILE HIRSCH

Okay Rain, we won and saved your dad’s company, now turn over that evidence so we can take down Roger.

RAIN

Sure, it’s right here in my back pocketMUHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAH!!! No seriously, I just lied so you guys would help me. Hakuna matata, suckers!

EXT. RACE TRACK FROM RANDOM 90’S GAME CONSOLE

EMILE channels NIC CAGE and DRIVES ANGRY, but his pity party is interrupted by MATTHEW.

EMILE HIRSCH

Matthew, I know you’re my dead brother.

MATTHEW FOX

What? No way, dude. Pfft. Naw. Look at my face, it’s all different and plasticy.

EMILE HIRSCH

But I actually watched the TV show so I know Racer X is really--

MATTHEW FOX

NOT! YOUR! BROTHER!

EMILE HIRSCH

Well that’s good, because that would make you a huge mega asshole for making your family think you’re dead.

MATTHEW FOX

Or maybe I had really good reasons.

EMILE HIRSCH

Mega asshole reasons.

MATTHEW FOX

Whatever, loser. That’s why you’re not racing in the Grand Prix.

NAN YU

Actually, since Emile helped my brother Rain win that last race he’s eligible to enter the Grand Prix.

EMILE HIRSCH

Really? Why didn’t I know this already?

NAN YU

Because you’re kind of a stupid, remember?

EMILE HIRSCH

Oh yeah, derp. But we don’t have a car and the Grand Prix is tomorrow! We’d have to build a Mach 6 racing car from the bottom up in just a few hours! There's absolutely no way in hell we could possibly--

JOHN GOODMAN

And done.

EMILE HIRSCH

Are you shitting me? It takes at least 100 hours to build a NASCAR racing car! And that’s WITHOUT the car-fu function! How is this possible?!

JOHN GOODMAN

Because I am Santa.

EXT. GRAND PRIX RACE TRACK FROM F-ZERO X (NOT A JOKE)

EMILE and the MACH 6 enter the RACE, but ROGER commands all the other RACERS to RACE EMILE out of the RACE of RACES for RACE! But EMILE fights back by WRECKING ALL OF THEIR CARS.

BEN MILES

Holy shit, is that legal? Emile didn’t even make it look like accidents, he just deliberately tried to murder all of his opponents!

RICHARD ROUNDTREE

Emile’s a bad mother--

BEN MILES

Shut'cho mouth!

RICHARD ROUNDTREE

I get a kickback every time someone says that.

EMILE catches up to the lead racer RALPH HERFORTH.

EMILE HIRSCH

Ralph, you were once my idol until I found out Roger has rigged races to let you win. Now I must destroy you and your tacky purple/gold cartoon car.

RALPH HERFORTH

Then let us settle this epic rivalry by playing Bumper Cars.

They RAM each other a bunch of times but don’t suffer any collision damage because their cars are made out of ADAMANTIUM.

RALPH HERFORTH

Oh no I’m losing! Now I must cheat by using my special fish hook to connect our cars!

EMILE HIRSCH

Derp? How does this give you the ability to win? Neither of us should have control of our cars now. And doesn’t it look odd to everyone watching that we’re locked together like this?

RALPH HERFORTH

Apparently your mental stupidity has spread to the entire viewing audience!

EMILE flips his car to expose RALPH’s cheating and both cars CRASH, but EMILE’s car survives intact because MAIN CHARACTER POWERS. All the remaining RACERS RACE past him.

EMILE HIRSCH

Shit! My car won’t start! What do I do?!

MATTHEW FOX

Remember what I-- err, I mean what your bother Not Me told you. Cars are alive, you just have to listen to them.

EMILE HIRSCH

But that’s stupid!

MATTHEW FOX

Oh yeah? Try it.

EMILE HIRSCH

Okay. Mach 6, how do I make you start?

MACH 6

Did you try turning the key?

EMILE HIRSCH

...no?

MACH 6

Oy vey, what a putz.

EMILE SPEEDS past all the other cars in 5 SECONDS FLAT because no one remembers how idiotic this cliche was back when JAKE LLOYD did it.

EMILE HIRSCH

Now THIS is pod racing!

EMOTIONAL MONTAGE

Hey everybody, ignore how silly and uneven the movie has been up to now and just focus on the IDEA of how cool and thoughtful its makers intended it to be! Down with corporate cheating! Up with playing fair and winning on one's own merit!

EMILE HIRSCH

Indeed. Now watch me win this race by fairly wrecking every other race car I haven’t wrecked yet!

EVERYONE CHEERS as he does this, which must include all of the FANS of the OTHER RACERS because FUCK THOSE LOSERS.

EMILE is the ONLY RACER to finish the RACE of RACES for RACE RACE! The sheer BATSHIT CRAZINESS of this outcome is so hot it melts the CGI TEXTURE on the MACH 6’s CARTOON TIRES.

EMILE HIRSCH

See, Roger? Cheaters never win!

ROGER ALLAM

Oh yeah, because sabotaging 29 race cars so they can’t finish is in no way cheating.

EMILE HIRSCH

Correction, BRITISH cheaters never win!

ROGER ALLAM

Now that's more like it.

END

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