"You gotta help me, Doc! It's 4 feet long and looks slightly more like a snake than usual!"


"You gotta help me, Doc! It's 4 feet long and looks slightly more like a snake than usual!"

SNAKES ON A PLANE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE - FIRST CLASS

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON ushers NATHAN PHILLIPS onto a plane.

NATHAN PHILLIPS

I'm so nervous about testifying against a crime boss. What if he tries to kill me?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Don't worry, I'm here to protect you, just like when I rescued you from those thugs in your hotel.

NATHAN PHILLIPS

Actually, I've been wondering about that. How did those bad guys find me? For that matter, how did you find me? Nobody saw me for more than a second, and you weren't even there.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Umm...

NATHAN PHILLIPS

Why bother with this explanation for the snakes are on the plane if it's going to be just as worthless as saying a snake handler was flying today or something?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Er...

INT. A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE - COACH

FLEX ALEXANDER, KEITH DALLAS, and KENAN THOMPSON all board the plane, followed by Paris Hilton Caricature RACHEL BLANCHARD.

RACHEL BLANCHARD

Ooooh, a famous rapper. Would you mind flirting with me while I have sex with my dog?

FLEX ALEXANDER

I'm a severe germaphobe, so you'd think I wouldn't even approach someone who carries their dog around. Then again, it gives me yet another opportunity to make sure the audience knows I'm a germaphobe, which I am. A germaphobe, that is.

RACHEL BLANCHARD

Really? If you were going to be given a lame phobia in a desperate attempt to give your character depth, wouldn't "fear of snakes" have been a better choice?

We are introduced to a handful of OTHER CHARACTERS, including a kickboxer who will NOT actually fight any snakes, making him lame and worthless.

Suddenly, there are a bunch of SNAKES. ON A PLANE! Everyone who has not had a line in the movie is KILLED.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Everyone move to the front of the plane, where apparently there aren't any snakes for some reason!

KENAN THOMPSON

That was weird. That whole scene was shot as though this was a legitimate horror movie, but I thought it was a comedy.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

It tries to be both. And fails to be either.

FLEX ALEXANDER

Ahh! I'm in a tight space with all of these people! Germs everywhere!

(pause)

I'm cured!

The CGI SNAKES make their way to the front of the plane.

NATHAN PHILLIPS

Ahh! They're moving forward! How unexpected! Everyone to the top floor where, once again, there are no snakes for some reason! Surely they won't follow us there!

JULIANNA MARGULIES

Oh no! Pilot David Koechner was bitten by a snake!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

He's numb from the venom! That explains why he was talking exclusively out of the right side of his mouth!

KENAN THOMPSON

I can pilot this plane because I play video games! Do you know how to get to the Las Venturas airport? I can TOTALLY land in that one.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking movies on my motherfucking resume! Let's end this piece of shit.

Everyone grabs onto something and SAMUEL shoots the window. Suddenly, HUNDREDS OF SNAKES and apparently ONE CARTOON HORSE are sucked out of the plane.

KENAN lands and everyone is saved!

MOVIE EXECUTIVE

Sam! I'm so glad you're safe! Listen, the internet community heard about this movie and they're going crazy for it based on the title alone!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Then let's dump more money into this thing! Surely the same community that Hollywood is campaigning against to stop them from pirating films for free would be willing to shell out 8 bucks for a shlockfest about snakes on a plane!

They AREN'T.

END

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