FADE IN:

EXT. SLEEPY HOLLOW WOODS

Somebody’s head gets LOPPED OFF.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

Whoa. That was REALLY REALLY fun. I’m gonna do that some more now.

INT. NEW YORK COURTHOUSE

JUDGE

This court hereby finds your “science” bad, and as punishment you must investigate sleepy hollow, a town near here in desperate need of a fish out of water.

JOHNNY DEPP

(sucking in cheeks)

I see. Well, perhaps I shall take my numerous comical instruments of “science” and use them to cut shit up in sleepy hollow.

INT. SLEEPY HOLLOW – A ROOM OF SOME SORT

Various higher-ups in the town brief DEPP on the situation.

A GUY

Depp, we have this problem. This horseman.. he takes people’s heads.

JOHNNY DEPP

I see. Well, there’s only one thing to do: act foppishly!

DEPP proceeds to NEATLY VOMIT.

JOHNNY DEPP

Yes, that was quite nice. Take me to some bodies.

JOHNNY is shown some headless bodies, one of which he cuts up and it shoots BLOOD all over him.

JOHNNY DEPP

Yes, I see.

TOWNSPERSON

Another head has been removed in a horrifying yet-somehow-comical-looking manner! To the woods!

EXT. SLEEPY HOLLOW WOODS

JOHNNY investigates a headless body with his strange and ridiculous instruments of “science” to discover….

JOHNNY DEPP

Sirs! This man desperately lacks a head! The wound suggests that the cutter-offer instrument which was used on this body would have been quite hot or something of that very nature, I’m not quite sure. Please notice a roach crawled out of the neck just now.

He vomits politely.

TOWNSPERSON

You see? The headless horseman did it.

JOHNNY DEPP

I do not believe in the headless horseman.

The HORSEMAN comes by and takes another head.

JOHNNY DEPP

Well, then. I’m still a wee bit skeptical of the existence of an undead horseman that–

The HORSEMAN chops CASPER VAN DIEN into TWO PARTS.

JOHNNY DEPP

I..er..uh..well..perhaps there is a headless horseman, but I bet a human is behind this whole thing.

MIRANDA RICHARDSON

It’s not me.

JOHNNY DEPP

Don’t worry, I assumed it was Christina Ricca, the girl I am supposedly in love with.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Wha?

Some people cry and also some kind of massive conspiratorial plot is uncovered, but it’s hard to remember what the hell it was as everyone’s last name is almost IDENTICAL. It’s not really important, as the CINEMATOGRAPHY is DARK and therefore BURTONESQUE and COOL.

DANNY ELFMAN

I HAVE MADE THE SCORE FOR THIS FILM!

DANNY smacks the AUDIENCE around a bit with a large club.

The HORSEMAN is now against RICCI, DEPP, and the other GOOD GUYS in the FINAL BATTLE.

JOHNNY DEPP

You shall not take my Ricci!

The HORSEMAN lunges at JOHNNY but stops short. Suddenly, the force created by JOHNNY’S MASSIVE CHEEK-SUCKING creates a vacuum on the side of his face. All matter is pulled toward the vacuum. The HORSEMAN grabs the WOMAN BEHIND ALL OF THIS CRAP and she is sucked into DEPP’S CHEEK as well.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

Arrrrrghh!! Boyish good looks are too powerful! Cheek sucking.. massive force… aieeeeee!

His disappears into oblivion, somewhere in DEPP’S CHEEK.

It’s over. DEPP and his CHEEKS have saved the day.

CHRISTINA RICCI

I love you, foppish Depp.

JOHNNY DEPP

Yes, well, the movie appears to have ended.

(pause)

HELL MOTHERFUCKIN YEAH THAT WAS A GOOD FILM!

He carves a mark into his arm, as he is COMPLETELY NUTS.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

Damn, dude, you’re weirder than me.

END