"Your paw goes away from my boob, or my hairpin goes in your fucking eyeball."


"Your paw goes away from my boob, or my hairpin goes in your fucking eyeball."

SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREET

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR walks down the street, to a food stand. A CREEPY MAN sits next to it, with a crate of crabs.

CREEPY MAN

(drooling)

Hello, little girl. I've got some magic crabs here. Want some?

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Sure.

She takes a crab. The CREEPY MAN disappears in a puff of smoke.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

That was weird. I'm sure the crabs are safe, though. And so cute.

(to crab)

You're a cute fake puppet! Yes you are! Yes you are!

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

I am cute, too.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

You certainly are.

Suddenly, the crab pinches SEAN's testicles.

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

What an awkward way to meet.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

It's a very charming scene because of that. I have to go now, though. I own a restaurant, if you want to come down some time. I am, after this chance meeting, desperately in love with you.

INT. SARAH'S RESTAURANT

SARAH cooks things. Badly.

SUPPORTING STRAIGHT MAN

Hey Sarah. Sean just came into the restaurant with his bitch girlfriend that the audience already hates. He wants some crab.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I have crabs.

The few AUDIENCE MEMBERS still paying attention try to hold back laughter.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I have a big case of crabs, in fact.

SUPPORTING STRAIGHT MAN

Yes, well, cook some of them.

One of the fake crabs makes some kind of non-crablike movement out of its crate and moves to a ledge so that the puppeteer can manipulate its giant eyeballs more easily.

MAGICAL CRAB

I am a magical crustacean!

AUDIENCE

(starting to make out with significant others)

Whatever.

WRITER JUDITH ROBERTS

(passing a bong)

Magical crab. Great idea.

WRITER ELISABETH ROBINSON

(taking a hit)

Thanks. Next, we have the crab give her the ability to cook...where are the Pringles?

The CAMERA does a few dissolve shots until a plate of some strange food is formed.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I can cook, now!

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

(munching)

Wow. This is really good. I am very in love now... based on a meal which has some kind of magical effect that makes me fall in love. It's really on a stupid, pathetic basis for a love story, but I'm sure the audience doesn't care, as they are busy sucking face right now.

AUDIENCE

Mrrpph.

INT. SARAH'S HOME

SARAH is trying on outfits for her upcoming date with the male lead.

SUPPORTING STRAIGHT MAN

Important fact: Guys contastly think about sex.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I didn't know this.

SUPPORTING STRAIGHT MAN

Also, whenever they think about sex, they touch their belt. Or they put their hands in their pockets. Or they blink. Or they breathe.

SARAH finishes changing clothes and leaves, to go on her date with FLANERY. Everyone she walks by immediately grabs their belt. This is very HUMOROUS, because now we know they're thinking about sex.

INT. SEAN'S NEW RESTAURANT

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

I want you to be the cook for my new restaurant.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Alright. Let me go home and get some crabs.

AUDIENCE

(taking a rest for a bit)

So.. what the hell is the conflict in this anyway? What's going on? What's trying to be resolved?

WRITER ELISABETH ROBINSON

(passing the bong)

Want a hit?

AUDIENCE

(puffing)

Oh, hey, I see now, this movie is really good. Hey, ya know what would be cool? If the next thing she cooks makes smoke and the smoke fills the floor and theres a big dance sequence.

WRITER ELISABETH ROBINSON

Fine by me. It's not my money.

Smoke ENTERS. Everyone DANCES. The crab puts on a TOP HAT.

DIRECTOR MARK TARLOV

Uh-oh.. We're almost at 2 hours and we haven't actually had anything happen yet... we're running out of film.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I love you, Sean.

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

I have made a paper airplane! It's my hobby. It's probably a metaphor for..something.

WRITER JUDITH ROBERTS

Nah. We were just inspired by our rolling papers.

DIRECTOR MARK TARLOV

I wonder how we're going to end this..

SEAN PATRICK FLANERY

I love you, Sarah.

The FILM runs out. The CAST is tired and doesn't feel like working on the movie anymore.

END


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