"Oh come on, Elizabeth. It's just a paper cut. Don't be such a cry baby."


"Oh come on, Elizabeth. It's just a paper cut. Don't be such a cry baby."

SILENT HOUSE

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE OF QUITE AVERAGE VOLUME

ELIZABETH OLSEN helps her FATHER and her UNCLE fix up the house.

Then ELIZABETH and HER CLEAVAGE are left ALONE. In THE DARK. With a LAMP. SPOOOOOOKY!

THIN AIR

BOOOOOOO!!!!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(running around)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!

A SHADOW

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(hiding under things)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!

A HAND

HOLY SHIT THAT'S SOME NICE CLEAVAGE ALSO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(running all over the place)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

DIRECTORS CHRIS KENTIS AND LAURA LAU

Look! We are filming this all in one shot!

EDITOR

But I thought we agreed to film 10 long takes and edit them together to look like one continuous shot?

DIRECTORS CHRIS KENTIS AND LAURA LAU

Oh great! You just ruined the movie's whole gimmick, jackass!

At the behest of the AUDIENCE yelling "JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE STUPID!" at the SCREEN, ELIZABETH eventually LEAVES the HOUSE...

And runs RIGHT BACK INSIDE because she has A DEATH WISH.

ELIZABETH runs to the BATHROOM where all kinds of REALLY WEIRD SHIT is HAPPENING.

BLEEDING TOILET ON A WALL

MOTHERFUCKINGBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Huh?

A DIRTY BATHTUB

CLEAN MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Okay this is just silly.

ELIZABETH soon realizes she's being chased by HER IMAGINATION.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Say what?

UNCLE

You have multiple personalities! Like Sybil!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

How?

FATHER

I molested them into you!

UNCLE

And I knew about it and didn't say anything because I am a real bastard! This is a truly shocking plot twist!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

The audience just wasted 88 minutes watching me run away from things that weren't really there. That's not a plot twist, its a fucking insult.

FATHER

Well this IS a remake so it kinda goes without saying.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I guess I could call the cops, get some professional help, and write an uplifting book that would help other women get through situations similar to mine.

(pause)

Or I could just sledgehammer your brains right the fuck out of your skull.

SHE DOES.

END

ELIZABETH OLSEN'S CLEAVAGE

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!


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