The Abridged Script
MEL GIBSON runs out into his cornfield.
I must locate my precocious Culkin child and cute-but-impossible-to understand daughter.
He finds them in the middle of a large crop circle.
A crop circle! And it can't possibly be done by a bunch of kids with boards tied to rope, it's too perfect.
This can only be the work of aliens.
Don't be silly, you obnoxious little puke. As a priest turned staunch atheist, I believe there is a simple, rational explanation for everything. I will, however, ignore that in this case to move the thin story along. In any case, this sure isn't the work of aliens.
Aliens, eh? Suuuure. I wonder what's REALLY going on. Some big M. Night Shyamalan surprise ending awaits, no doubt.
The movie crawls along at an ungodly slow pace. The AUDIENCE confuses this for SUSPENSE. MEL sees a shadowy figure on his roof.
Let's chase it, even though it doesn't look even remotely human.
They chase it, and it jumps around off camera, clearly displaying inhuman powers.
Because the audience has not seen these monsters, our general lack of intense fear will match with the audience's apathy.
This is definitely the work of aliens.
Uh huh. Aliens. Sure thing, Macaulay.
Whatever. You're all no-talent ass clowns. How many of you are drug addicts so far, anyway?
INT. MEL'S HOME
MEL'S KIDS read about ALIENS while ABIGAIL BRESLIN litters the house with full glasses of water, which is the most obvious DEVICE WHICH WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER in the history of film.
According to this book about aliens, they send ground troops first to survey the area, and then they go back for reinforcements, which may include enormous armies in ships which can cloak themselves. Chances are, they will destroy us or enslave us.
Good to know that, even on far-away planets with significantly higher technological achievements, aliens are still just as primitive and barbaric as human beings. At least humans are better than that bullshit no-good God who killed my wife and turned me completely anti-religious.
Suddenly, MEL experiences another piece of the same flashback he keeps having.
FLASH CUT TO:
MEL discovers his wife has been run over by DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
I ran your wife into this tree in much the same way as I have run my manipulative directorial style into the ground.
Wife! You can't die! It will send me spiraling into atheism without looking back!
Tell Joaquin to swing away...
And to use his bat to hit the alien and save everyone and show us all that everything happens for a reason.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. MEL'S HOME
Hey, a whole bunch of space ships are filling the skies. Aliens are invading.
Heh. But, really it's something else right? Or, like, the whole family is made of aliens, and they're invading to bring them home? Or the little girl is an alien? Or..something?
MEL GIBSON nails his entire house shut. Aliens try to get in.
So...this actually is about aliens?
I'm so terrified. We don't even get to see the monsters, we're sealed into this claustrophobic house, awaiting infiltration from the unknown on the outside!
They hide in the CELLAR, the TINIEST and DARKEST room of all. RORY CULKIN has an asthma attack. And they don't have any kind of weapon. And, uh, the lights go out, too. Sure, why not?
INT. CELLAR - THE NEXT DAY
Everyone exits the cellar.
Wow, what a fright, I sure am glad that nightmare is over. It sure is impressive how this movie has been suspenseful without relying on silly special effects.
All of a sudden, they discover an IMP FROM THE VIDEO GAME DOOM in the living room.
Holy hell! Where's my BFG?
You have to register to get a BFG, Dad.
MEL notices JOAQUIN PHEONIX standing next to a BASEBALL BAT.
I have noticed the baseball bat on the wall independently of my wife's premonitions, but seeing it has triggered my memory of her last words, which gives me the idea to tell Joaquin to use it. If not for my wife, I'd never have thought to use this bat, so really the stupid flashbacks throughout the film exist for a very good reason. Yes.
JOAQUIN bashes the IMP FROM DOOM with a baseball bat. Then they realize that water can kill the IMP .
Water! This is why my prattling daughter leaves water all over the place! And my son has athsma so that he can survive the alien attacks! Truly, everything DOES happen for a reason!
They attack the IMP with water.
IMP FROM DOOM
Ahhh! Water! The only thing that can destroy my species! Jesus, it was pretty fucking stupid to invade this planet, considering it's 75% water and its inhabitants are mostly water as well.
Truly these occurences have showed me that there is a higher power. Granted, tons of people died and they were not given the same sort of special treatment I was, but what's important is my obnoxious children are alive.
What? That's it? Where's the big, farfetched surprise ending?
DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Surprise! There is a God!