FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

BRUCE WILLIS

(sighing)

Do you know who I am?

POWERFUL ARAB

You’re the guy who gets top billing on the poster but only appears once or twice in this movie.

BRUCE WILLIS

(deeper Sigh)

Yes, you’re correct

POWERFUL ARAB

Why do you want me?

BRUCE WILLIS

(sigh)

So that later in the film, the director has an excuse to blow up a couple of buildings.

POWERFUL ARAB

(relieved)

Oh is that all? That’s fine with me, but just don’t kill me okay?

BRUCE WILLIS

(sigh)

Sorry, we have to establish a reason for the audience to hate me. As if Mercury Rising wasn’t reason enough.

INT. BROOKLYN

A Bus explodes. Lots of noise and overacting ensue.

INT. BROOKLYN GARAGE

DENZEL WASHINGTON

This is the bus that they blew up?

TONY SHALHOUB

It’s amazing you are the head of the terrorism task force and you can’t figure this out. No wonder the Arabs run circles around us.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I cannot believe while we spend half the film trying to find out who the bomber is when the connection is so close. Why didn’t I figure it out at the start of the film?

TONY SHALHOUB

Because then buildings wouldn’t have been blown up and you couldn’t do your usually emotional scene. And Edward Zwick wouldn’t have been able to show to the audience that Glory was a fluke. And by the look of you, Denzel, it looks like to fluked it too.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Anyway, lets pointlessly run around New York and try and solve this mystery.

The guys bump into ANNETTE BENING.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Whoa, slow down miss. Who are you?

ANNETTE BENING

I’m the person who you don’t know what’s she doing here until the film is half over.

TONY SHALHOUB

Good I’m the guy who everyone realises his purpose at the end of the film.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

We’re here to help Annnette.

ANNETTE BENING

With the case?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

No, to make your acting look good. Between me, Tony Shalhoub and Bruce Willis. You are the only one who has the potential of excelling in this movie.

ANNETTE BENING

Oh.

EXT. BROOKLYN

Bus explodes, loud noises, overacting, no relevance to the plot.

EXT. ANTI-TERRORIST HEADQUARTERS

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(sobbing)

Why? Why? Why? Why?

ANNETTE BENING

It’s okay, Denzel. Even though you are obviously distraught, I will still flirt with you, and make sure you forget about all your work friends and bosses who were killed in the building.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(excited)

Really? Great, Lets go dancing!

INT. APARTMENT

ANNETTE is in bed with an ARAB MAN.

ANNETTE BENING

Even though I am against terrorism and want to put a stop to all this explosions, I am willing to sleep with you because I feel you will be the hero at the end of the film.

SAMI BOUAJILA

Yeah well. You are the smart one in the film.

ANNETTE BENING

Thanks honey.

INT. DENZEL’S OFFICE

BRUCE WILLIS is in the office and in walks on DENZEL WASHINGTON looking surprised.

BRUCE WILLIS

(in a whisper)

Do you know who I am?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

The actor who has had the most flops in Hollywood and is still managing to get 15 million plus a movie?

BRUCE WILLIS

That would have been Sylvester Stallone if it wasn’t for Rocky.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

What do you want Bruce?

BRUCE WILLIS

(sigh)

I don’t know. Edward Zwick wants me to earn my money.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah, those three minute should cover it.

BRUCE WILLIS

(deeper sigh)

Good, then let me say this. I want to declare a Siege in this Marshall Law film.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Don’t you mean you want to declare Marshall Law?

BRUCE WILLIS

Oh yeah, they changed the title of the movie didn’t they? What is it about my films that cause them to change the title? And they’ve got something against Demi too. Look at GI JANE, there was about 10 titles before they settled on the lame GI JANE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(trying to get him out)

Yeah that’s great Bruce Wil….

BRUCE WILLIS

At least my films don’t have crap titles.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah, BONFIRES OF THE VANITIES was a real well thought up title.

EXT. NEW YORK

Scenes of ARABIAN PEOPLE being put into trucks and into camps.

DIRECTOR EDWARD ZWICK

Hey, I’m here to make you realise the trauma that people go through.

More scenes which rip off the scenes Schindler’s List where the Jews are put into camps.

DIRECTOR EDWARD ZWICK

This is exactly the same as the holocaust. Except we have no Hitler, or extermination camps or torture techniques. Wait, we have Willis, he is a form of torture.

INT. DENZEL’S WASHINGTON OFFICE

TONY SHALHOUB

I can’t believe it, they’ve taken my kid.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(Near sobbing)

It’s just not fair.

TONY SHALHOUB

It’s okay, I’ll get my kid back.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

No not that. There hasn’t been an explosion for thirty minutes. Now, Edward Zwick has forced me to actually act.

INT. SOME SPA ROOM

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hey, Tony. Don’t you think it’s a bit convenient that you’re an Arab and you are so successful and you happen to be in the Anti-Terrorism department when all this stuff is going on. What are the chances of that happening?

TONY SHALHOUB

It’s an Edward Zwick film, anything can happen.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hey, Tony. Look at that, Annette Bening is friends with some Arab guy. He must be the bomber.

TONY SHALHOUB

I thought Bruce Willis was the bomber.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

We’ll all be the bombers after this film.

INT. SPA ROOM

ANNETTE BENING

Denzel we’ve caught him.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

How can he have done all those bombs?

ANNETTE BENING

Same way Arnold Schwarzenegger wiped out an army in Commando!

SAMI BOUAJILA

I am doing this because Bruce Willis took our leader. I want to kill him. Don’t try and stop me.

ANNETTE BENING

Fine go ahead. He deserves it after Mercury Rising.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(Overacting)

Nooooooooooo!

DENZEL shoots SAMI BOUAJILA and kills him.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Oh damn, what have I done? No wait, I can clear my name by blaming this on Bruce Willis.

ANNETTE BENING

But that doesn’t make sense.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

The audience doesn’t care, they get to go home and forget about this trash film.

INT. ARMY HEADQUARTERS

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I’m placing you under arrest for the murder of that powerful Arabian guy.

BRUCE WILLIS

No you will not. Men shoot Denzel.

Twenty army men raise their guns at DENZEL. Twenty policemen raise their guns back at them.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Please, everyone. Bruce Willis is a mean guy. Take my word for it.

YOUNG ARMY MAN

Oh gee what do I do? Do I trust a guy I’ve seen once or do I stick up for my captain and my mentor. I’ll go with Denzel, hey he won an Oscar didn’t he?

The army men point their guns at BRUCE WILLIS and he is taken to jail.

BRUCE WILLIS

In a film where the Arabs are suppose to be bad, why am I going to jail and millions of Arabs get to go scott free?

DENZEL and ANNETTE smile at each other.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Everything has worked out. Even though my friends are dead, my reputation is wrecked, I’m glad that the good guys won.

EDWARD ZWICK

Message!!!

END