FADE IN:

INT. RACHAEL’S BASEMENT

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK throws paint onto some cards and pastes them to a canvas.

IDIOTIC TEENAGE TARGET AUDIENCE

I guess, to, like, artsy people, that’s good, or something.

ARTSY PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE

What the hell is that supposed to be?

KIERAN CULKIN

Hey everyone! I’m still alive! I bet you forgot about the Culkin tribe! Anyway, Rachael, dad says come upstairs for school. Also, happy birthday! How old are you now?

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Ten.

They go to school.

EXT. SCHOOLYARD

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

I’m one bad mofo.

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

Check it holmes. Da Taylor bitch be dumpin yo ass for da Mac Daddy mofo on MTV.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

No problem. I can get another date.

(loudly for stupid audience)

IN FACT, I’LL BET I CAN TAKE ANYONE TO THE PROM AND MAKE THEM QUEEN, BUT LEARN TO LOVE THEM FOR REAL IN THE END.

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

You’s trippin, homey. I’s be bettin you’s can’t.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

It’s a bet. Pick the girl.

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

How about the fat, butt-grabbing, nose- piercing, megaslut bitch that just murdered three kids last period?

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Hmm. No. Oh, hey, how about the obviously good looking girl over there wearing glasses and a bad haircut?

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

Sounds good.

AUDIENCE

Well, it’s about damned time someone made a movie with this plot.

FREDDIE struts over to RACHAEL.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Hey babe.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Wow. The hottest guy in school is talking to me. I’m not entirely sure what it is I suspect is going on here, but whatever my reason is, I have to leave, and I’m taking my loser brother.

She runs away.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

I think I’m in love.

MATTHEW LILLARD

Hey everyone! I’m disgusting! I am on The Real World, and it is disgusting as well. Ha ha.

INT. RACHAEL’S HOUSE

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

I have shown up unnanounced. This is charming, not annoying, mind you. I’m charming too. Someone zoom in on my smile, quick!

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Let’s go to the local cheesy coffee house to do bad performance art.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE

WEIRD GUY IN HIS UNDIES

Hey Freddie, come up here and do something stupid and artsy to make Rachael like you.

FREDDIE pulls out a ball. He bounces it.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

This ball.

He bounces.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

It bounces.

(beat)

If I talk..

(beat)

In broken sentences

(beat)

I sound artsy.

(beat)

Now..I will be emotional

(beat)

Bounce, ball, bounce!

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

(eyes glazing over)

I think I’m in love… why I’m in love based on this performance is anyone’s guess.

INT. RACHAEL’S HOUSE

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Hey Rachael. I’m here to remove your glasses and wig for the next 4 hours.

INT. RACHAEL’S HOUSE - 4 HOURS LATER

RACHAEL emerges from the bathroom, looking the way she does on the movie poster.

AUDIENCE

HOLY CRAP! SHE’S HOT! I HAD NO IDEA!

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

I’m so damned charming, it hurts. Let’s go to the prom, now that you don’t look like such a horse. By the way, due to your transformation, you’ve been nominated for prom queen.

INT. SCHOOL PROM

Suddenly, for no earthly reason at all, everyone gets involved in a very coreographed dance number.

DIRECTOR ROBERT ISCOVE

(raping the audience)

I can’t believe you’re actually watching this.

When the large dance number concludes, the POPULAR GIRL RUNNING FOR PROM QUEEN throws pig’s blood on RACHAEL’S dress.

POPULAR GIRL

Like, at least I’m not here beacause of a bet.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

A BET?! AM I A BET!?!

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Yeah. Please don’t hate me.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

WELL, I’M STORMING OUT NOW, BUT IF YOU SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE UNNANOUNCED AGAIN, I’LL FORGIVE YOU!

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

Rachael, don’t fret. I’m here for you.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

I don’t mean to suspect anything, but why are YOU being nice to me all of a sudden?

FREDDIE’S ANNOYING FRIEND

I’ve ignorantly assumed that I will be able to bed a frigid virgin geek. By tonight, the title of this horrible movie will be She’s All Twat.

INT. RACHAEL’S HOUSE - LATER

She slams the door behind her, fuming.

KEVIN POLLAK

Hey honey. Freddie’s here. That’s it. That’s my line. Someone kill me, please.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Hi, Rachael. I got here first. Forgive me.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Ok.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

I know it was wrong of me to make the bet, but, hey, you DID look like a big loser.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Yeah, I guess I did look like kind of a spaz. I was, like, totally wigging my baggage. And I was pretty stupid for wearing glasses.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

Glasses suck.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Glasses do suck. I’m so glad I’ve become superficial now. I am so all that.

USHER

Hey! I’m Usher! I’m in the movie!

AUDIENCE

This movie ruled! Usher, a dance number, hot chicks, AND a clever story!

They live happily ever after.

DIRECTOR ROBERT ISCOVE

(completely violating the) Audience)

I have your money! Har har har!

END