Sex and the City: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jun 1st, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
"Ha ha, you're right - Arrested Development WAS hilarious! How did we get a movie?"
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
SARAH JESSICA PARKER, CYNTHIA NIXON, KRISTIN DAVIS, and KIM CATTRALL talk unabashedly about SEX and obsess brainlessly over FASHION.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Female empowerment is great!
CYNTHIA NIXON
Yeah! Grrl power!
They illustrate this by having the men in their lives do unforgivable things to them, then eventually blame themselves and forgive the men. This allows them to live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
END
I guess you enjoyed the movie then? Haha.
It takes a certain kind of genius to make a script with 2 lines in it actually be funny. That kind is known as ‘ROD HILTON’.
June 1st, 2008 at 11:28 amThat picture caption makes me incredibly sad. WAY TO GO
June 1st, 2008 at 11:51 amso this is the “appointed” one? still looking for your take on Cloverfield, Harry Potter and Indiana Jones…
June 1st, 2008 at 11:56 amI’ve never understood the whole, “I’m an empowered woman who shows her independence by screwing every single man who so much as glances at her in a bar.” Yet women who choose abstinence are “ignorant and not independent because they follow someone else’s rules.” Being in control of yourself and your sexuality makes you independent, even if that means that occasionally you choose NOT to have sex with some horny moron.
I also blame sex and the city for the recent slew of shows that use the word “Sex” every 5 seconds in hopes that women will watch. “Hey, ladies! I just had sex! My husband and I have bad sex! I had an affair with someone, and we had sex! I like to use whipped cream when having sex! Watch this show! Do you identify with me yet?” The shows feature women doing things that have nothing to do with sex, such as standing in line at the grocery store, gardening, and writing a dissertation, and all they can talk about is sex. Hey, I wonder which gender writes these shows.
The saddest thing about it of course is that it works. It’s like the whole “FREEDOM” thing in the 300 movie. “FREEDOM” attracts all the fanboys, “SEX” attracts all the woman who think that “sex = independence!”
June 1st, 2008 at 12:07 pmAlexandru:
I posted this script primarily because I’m trying to develop a meme for the site.
You see, its almost cliche now for every single post I make to be met with a bunch of comments about how it’s worst script ever, and about three times as many comments bitching that it wasn’t this script or that. I wanted to make sure I kept that pattern alive.
Thanks for your participation.
June 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pmNow that you mention it Rod, I do believe that was the worst script ever.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:27 pmTIHS SCRPT WAS LIEK TEH WORST EVER!!!1!!11!
June 1st, 2008 at 1:42 pmIt’s actually pretty enjoyable for what it is.
Nice bit of Roddism. But still waiting for your take on INDIANA JONES AND THE COMPUTERANIMATED KINGDOM OF THE NOT ALIEN BUT INTERDIMENSIONAL CRYSTAL SKULL…
June 1st, 2008 at 2:19 pmAdmidtedly… that is basically the storyline - but i loved every second of the film! It was entertainment with hollywood gloss… theres not many without it! Get used to it at the end of the day!
June 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pmLet me guess Johnny, you were one of the majority of the mouth- breathing nas-carring audiences that missed all the subtle historical humor and true-to-life but always conveniently ignored ancient-alien references and thus concluded that the movie “sucks”?
June 1st, 2008 at 2:48 pmThis script sums up the TV show as well as the film. Rod, why did you even go to see this movie?
June 1st, 2008 at 5:23 pmTyallie:
Girlfriend forced me to. I owed her because I made her see Indiana Jones 4.
It was justified. That shit sucked.
June 1st, 2008 at 5:33 pmThis is without a doubt the BEST script on this site (even tops the utterly hilarious Star Wars scripts) it perfectly describes my feelings toward this Abomination
June 1st, 2008 at 6:13 pmHow the MOTHERFUCK did this get 1 1/2 stars from you? Jerk.
June 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pmSo what did your girlfriend think of it?
June 1st, 2008 at 7:36 pmBKred:
She thought it sucked too. We had a hard time determining which was worse: Indy 4 or this.
I contend Indy 4 is worse, because Sex and the City didn’t ruin the show, while Indy 4 ruined the original trilogy. She disagreed, since Indy 4 was at least more entertaining than this boring 2.5 hour garbage. I’m still undecided.
June 1st, 2008 at 7:40 pmI’m pretty sure when the funniest part of a movie is a poop joke, that its not a good movie.
June 1st, 2008 at 9:35 pmI think I agree with your girlfriend, Rod. This is worse because it never was good to begin with. Indy 4 might have been a disgrace to the original, but it was still pretty entertaining, and at least we have 3 great movies to look back on. With this one, well… it just sucked. It didn’t ruin anything because it was already ruined.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 amDo you hear that sound? It’s the bottom of the barrel being scraped as Hollywood tries desperately to find things to make movies out of. How this got on the big screen will mystify me to no end.
And people, this is script is to discuss the movie that’s posted, not others. Wait until Rod actually makes an Indy 4 Abridged Script before you bitch about it.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 amAnd Nick, this is script is to discuss your poor grammar that’s posted, not others. Wait until passing 3rd grade before you bitch about it.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 amthe only person i ever remember truly enjoying this show was a gay guy i knew in college. he raved about it. all the time. folks, i think if anything, rod deserves our pity for being forced to see this. i do appreciate the script though. new reasons to post always perk up my Mondays.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 amToo bad about the penance, Rod. Indy IV made me ashamed to be an Indiana Jones fan. I can’t imagine the Sex and the City film being much worse, unless the four girls “return to the space between spaces.”
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:32 amI’ve not even dared to watch this film, I’m sure I’ll hate it. But I hate most films.
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:38 amCheck my review on my site for me hating on the new Indy film, by the way ;)
*clicks on link*
Nono, I want to read the whole scr-
Oh, this IS the abridged script. HA!
June 2nd, 2008 at 8:58 amWoah, woah, woah Jim. What’s with you throwing in the gay guy thing? Gay guys don’t have good taste in movies?
I’ve also heard people say that Indy 4 was the best one, HAAAAAAA! That’s just funny. But I don’t know about you guys, but yall must admit, it was better than Live Free or Die Hard, becuz that movie lost it’s touch, Indy however still felt the same for me, except some parts.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 amCould’ve tried a little harder, but I suppose it doesn’t deserve any real effort.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 amSARAH JESSICA PARKER, is, and has always been an ugly, anorexic excuse for a woman. She has no talent as an actress and is surely nothing even approximating beautiful. However, the Hollywood spin machine has told the gullible public that she is a goddess so many times that even the spin doctors believe it, now. Unfortunately, it just ain’t so. I rather enjoyed the other 3 actresses, however. SJP needs a new line of work.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 amSeriously - how in the blue bloody Fuck did this recieve 1 and 1/2 stars??
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 amI have never watched a single episode of the show, but from what i heard from my (female) friends, i could’ve summed up the entire movie (almost) exactly that Rod did, except i wouldn’t have to sit through 2.5 hours of pure unadultrated grabage…but than again…my gf has been talkin about goin to the theatre to watch it…prepare to go into a self induced coma…
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:38 pmPretty lazy script Rod.
You coulda really tore this piece of shit a fresh one.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:17 pmI appreciate that instead of taking the easy shots at this completely pointless and annoying movie, you just kept it simple. Well done.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pmHmm. SATC had Sarah Jessica Horseface Parker, but IJ4 had Shia Lebarf, so I think it’s a push between the two films.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:46 pmHmmm. Make that most of Rod’s readers.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pmJoker;
I think the point is that SATC didn’t really DESERVE the time and attention needed for Rod to write a lengthier script for it. I feel bad enough the poor S.O.B. had to sit through it in the first place, don’t you? Do we really want Rod to have to sit down and REMEMBER this piece of filth frame-by-frame, moment-by-moment, in order to satisfy our own needs? Talk about A Clockwork Orange type of torture! That he took the time to do this much(in my opinion) is a heroic effort.
And for all those questioning Sara Jessica Horseface’s looks, I think you’ll be pleased to know that since she failed to place in this past month’s Kentucky Derby, her rider(Matthew Broderick) is scheduled to take her out behind the barn this weekend and shoot her in the head. :-)
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm*clicks on link*
Nono, I want to read the whole scr-
Oh, this IS the abridged script. HA!
Haha, I thought the same thing for a few seconds until I noticed the “END” at the bottom.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:34 amWild horses couldn’t drag me to this movie. Brave man, Rod.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:53 amI can’t believe they allow Sarah Jessica Parker on TV - she looks like a foot.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:29 amI liked the abridged-abridged script for this, lol.
Sometimes those are just as – if not moreso – funny than the longer entries.
Good show, ol’ chap
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:07 amI’ve never watched a full episode of Sex and the City, but I feel like I get the point from just seeing random clips and screenshots. Likewise, Rod’s script is the appropriate length and probably has the same amount of content in it as the actual script for this movie.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems all Carrie does is obsess over men and fashion (which she then proceeds to write about when she’s at home). Does she ever do anything interesting enough to justify her enormous popularity?
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 amThought it was about time I posted here, having been a reader for at least 8 years. Firstly, good work Rod, keep it up! Don’t let the whiners get you down. Perhaps you can confound them by changing the ‘Coming Soon’ box to a link to a list of every film ever on IMDB.
Secondly, trivia: it transpired that the dress Sarah Jessica Parker wore to the premiere had been worn before at similarly momentous events. She described this as “unethical” behaviour by the designers.
P.S. Sean C, don’t be sad, there is an AD movie coming, no? It seems to be gaining momentum.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:47 amBack when the show was still considered ‘new’ and ‘edgy’ I rented season one on video to see what the fuss was about. I was young enough at the time to mostly consider the ‘gimmick’ of women candidly talking about sex on TV to be entertaining enough to overlook the bad writing, bad acting, bad Everyting… until near the end of that season it delivered this little gem of a line…
“You’re breaking up with me, while you’re still Inside me?”
Haven’t touched the franchise since.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pmHeh, very nice job on this script. That’s about the gist of it! Nicely done as always!
Personally, I want you to do a script for The Great Train Robbery (1915), then work your way to present time. Heh.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:51 pm[...] latest additions: - Iron Man - Sex and the City - [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:31 pmI’m not saying that this site is an exclusive boys club. However I will bet that none Rods female fans would see themselves as “girly-girls” -the target audience for chick flicks.
They might also dislike the film but the reasons will be less logical and clinical. This abridged script is exactly the right length for Rod’s audience.
You may or may not be dragged to another chick flick in you life Rod, but abridging it would be redundant. The one above covers the lot.
As for as the original TV show, it was made for a certain kind of woman and they liked it. A LOT. I can live with that. There are enough crappy action blockbusters aimed at you and me to get worked up about.
June 27th, 2008 at 11:23 amYou people are WAY too hard on poor Sarah Jessica Parker! I mean, just LOOK at the caption photo! All four of those women are hags! None would be worthy of a boot out of bed mind you, but be sure to go to HER place so you can sneak out afterwards with out waking her!
Someday I may actually watch an episode of Sex in the City. Or, on second though, probably not. When ever it came on was a signal for me to grab the remote and find something else :)
July 10th, 2008 at 8:38 ami think it’s just good entertainment
August 2nd, 2008 at 1:06 pmand if you went to that movie with your girlfriend
you showed her that she really loves you
like she does when she went to actionmovies with you
i’m probably in the target audience (young woman). but the fact that the whole movie had less actual content then Rod’s piece kind of trew me off.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pmsame with the serie. replacing story-depth with sex might work for some people but it doesn’t interest me. if i want to see hours of sluts getting it on with one guy after another i’d go to the ‘adult section’ of the local video store and spare myself some moronic dialogue sequences.
Tom J. got it right. There is a target audience (i.e. the fans of the show), and no one else would get it. That’s just the way it is. Similarly, I would hate any Arrested Development movie basically because I didn’t like the show. Nothing against those who did though (apparently a lot; I don’t get it).
August 28th, 2008 at 8:00 pmI fast forwarded through the whole film, and i’m sorry Rod had to sit through it. I think SATC, both the series and the film, are some of the most superficial, shallow, empty hearted, empty minded pieces of trash to ever get broadcast. It’s like life is all about looking great (their idea of great), being anorexic and sleeping with strangers. If that’s the sort of glamorous life i’m missing on, then my mind is at ease.
Sorry about the rant, but these type of series and movies really annoy me .. especially since there are so many people who live by them.
Rod’s script, as always, was better than the film itself. I wouldn’t have given it 1 and 1/2 stars, though, more like 0.5.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:31 amWhat a bunch of conformists.All fans of the show and this movie are all conformists.
Do you really have to look/act/talk like the characters from the show?Do you really have so much less of a life that you live by a really bad show that without the word ‘Sex’ you probably would never of even watched?
What a sad state this country is in right now.I am ashamed to be an American because people go out and actually eat this garbage of a movie.If you can even call it that.
Calling this a movie is an insult to the name movie.If I could rate this less than zero stars I would,giving it zero stars is being very nice.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:30 amI remember about 10 years ago when I was 12 and thought this show was some form of soft-core porn on HBO. I was thoroughly disappointed.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:47 pmActually, it was really hard 4 me to watch this movie…
September 27th, 2008 at 5:57 amI’ve seen The sex and the City - 4 about 5 or 6 times and was waiting 4 the movie. I saw it at the cinema…but I couldn’t understand people whi were laughing at smth when my heart was bleeding…I mean people who think that the Sex &…is a funny movie - they’re mistaken… it’s a real life…it’s our life…cruel, unpredictable and exciting.
Thx 4 the movie, actors, thx 4 my tears…
*yawn*
kirstin something-or-other is REALLY REALLY hot!!
October 9th, 2008 at 12:19 am@ Stacy
I sincerely hope the whole
“I mean people who think that the Sex &…is a funny movie - they’re mistaken… it’s a real life…it’s our life…cruel, unpredictable and exciting.”
was some form of disguised sarcasm .. because if you really believe that .. Sex&the city is/reflects life .. well … that’s insane. The series and the film were just marketing tools for otherwise unsellable clothes and shoes … if people dressed like that in real life .. they’d be considered nuts.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:38 pm