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Sex and the City 2

SEX AND THE CITY 2

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OVER-THE-TOP WEDDING

SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON, and KIM CATTRALL attend the wedding of WILLIE GARSON and MARIO CANTONE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Wow, this wedding could only be gayer if the groomsmen were all fisting each other. I will ruminate on this introspectively and eventually use it to comment on how difficult it is to find a partner in New York.

KRISTIN DAVIS

Well I think it's nice! Weddings are just super-swell!

CYNTHIA NIXON

I'M TOO BUSY LAWYERING TO ENJOY THIS WEDDING! LAWYERING THE LAW IS A LOT OF WORK! CAREER!

KIM CATTRALL

If I don't gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I'm going to shove this wine bottle in my ass.

Suddenly, LIZA MINNELLI appears!

KIM CATTRALL

Holy shit, Liza Minnelli! What's she doing here, besides confusing the audience members who have no idea who she is?

CYNTHIA NIXON

When a wedding is this gay, Liza Minnelli just materializes, ha ha!

KRISTIN DAVIS

I know you delivered that line sarcastically, but that appears to be the actual explanation.

LIZA MINNELLI

Someone told me that a show that's been off the air for over 4 years was being made into a movie, so I showed up. I'm guessing that the total lack of funny jokes means that this isn't the Arrested Development movie after all?

LIZA officiates the wedding, blissfully ending the scene but unfortunately bringing on the next one.

LIZA MINNELLI

Alright, do you take the broom? Broom? Is that a combination of bride and groom? Seriously, this shit passes for jokes over here?

WILLIE GARSON

No, the joke is that critically acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is going to sing "All the Single Ladies" for four dignity-shredding minutes.

KANYE WEST

Yo Willie, Imma let you finish, but Ron Paul had the most embarassing movie cameo of all time! Of all time!

(shrug)

INT. RESTAURANT

SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all sit at a posh country club table.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Alright gals, time for us to complain about everything while sitting around a dining table and not actually eating! I'll start! My husband likes watching TV in our home, which makes it difficult for me to go out clubbing and pretend I'm not forty-five years old.

CYNTHIA NIXON

I hate my boss because he's an unrealistic caricature of every boss that the audience members have ever assumed hated them because they have vaginas.

KRISTIN DAVIS

My nanny has larger breasts than me, which makes my brain completely stop working!

KIM CATTRALL

I'm on a shitload of drugs to keep my pussy from drying out. Oh, by the way, I'm visiting Abu Dhabi for a week and I want you all to come with me because one writer dared another to set this movie in the middle east.

INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S HOME

CHRIS NOTH comes home and sits on his couch to watch shows that are vastly superior to SEX AND THE CITY.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I'm super pissed that you bought me a high-definition television and installed it in our bedroom. We shouldn't need TV because it should be enough for us to have delightful conversations like this one.

MR. NOTH

Are you seriously complaining that I bought you an expensive TV?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Furthermore, I noticed you have brought home dinner. This offends me because I want to eat the same meal, but outside of our home and wearing a new dress that I bought. Also, get your feet off the couch. I don't even want you sitting on it, let alone relaxing on it.

MR. NOTH

Are you really supposed to be the sympathetic protagonist? The kind of decadence that defines your character may have been tolerable in the late nineties, but we're in a recession now!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

That's it, I'm going to spend the next two days writing an article in my old apartment.

MR. NOTH

WE HAVE TWO APARTMENTS?!

SARAH writes an article titled "The Terrible Two's" despite the fact that she's allegedly a professional writer and would seemingly understand how to use apostrophes.

Meanwhile, KIM fills her cunt while CYNTHIA is one. KRISTIN calls SARAH.

KRISTIN DAVIS

I have to get out of this house! I somehow managed to just ruin a vintage, one-of-a-kind designer dress I was wearing while making cupcakes in the kitchen with my baby while my toddler was finger-painting.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Oh, you poor thing! That's right, nobody in this movie is going to tell you what a fuckup you are. Pretty sure it's because the writers don't know. Sounds like we should go with Kim to Abu Dhabi!

SARAH returns home to talk to CHRIS.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Boy was I glad to be away from you for two days. So much for "can't-live-without-each-other love," eh?

MR. NOTH

Hey, I was thinking, what if I spend two days a week at your old apartment?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

(incensed)

What? Is this because I'm a nag?!

MR. NOTH

Your equine resemblance has nothing to do with this! I just figured you could use a couple days a week wearing ridiculous-looking outfits with your girlfriends!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Listen, I know I just spent two days away, but I was planning on doing that every couple months or so! You're talking about increasing the frequency slightly! That's insane! We're married, I don't want to do things without you any more!

(pause)

By the way, I'm going to Abu Dhabi for a week. Without you.

INT. ABU DHABI HOTEL

SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all arrive at a swanky hotel where they are greeted by the HOTEL MANAGER as well as an OVERUSAGE OF CHIMES.

HOTEL MANAGER

Welcome to Abi Dhabi! Your rooms are upstairs, you will find they include a complementary small gray kitten. Our country has been getting one in the mail about every week for 32 years.

KRISTIN DAVIS

Oh, this is so lovely, but I'm still obsessing over my husband oogling the nanny's tits so I can't even enjoy it!

KIM CATTRALL

I'm not allowed to take my vagina drugs here! There's something worth complaining about in every country!

HOTEL MANAGER

Well, we've gotten each of you a private limo even though you will always be traveling together.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Four completely separate gas-guzzling limousines driving us through one of the most oil-rich regions of the world while BP leaks over 50,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico back home? Why are we still standing here, drive us to the furthest Saks Fifth Avenue!

SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM buy candles and shoes and shit.

KIM CATTRALL

Thanks for coming along, girls! I'd never want to go anywhere without my bestest friends in the whole world! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and get some strangers to spunk all over me.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

And I ran into my old boyfriend, John Corbett, so I'm going to dinner with him. See ya!

CYNTHIA NIXON

That's cool, Kristin and I will hang out and get completely hammered but still manage to complain incessantly!

KRISTIN DAVIS

Raising kids is so difficult! If I didn't have my vast wealth and a nanny, I'd probably just kill myself or something!

CYNTHIA NIXON

Totally understandable!

SARAH comes back, visibly upset.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

You guys, I just kissed John Corbett! I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek but I got distracted by his enormous forehead and missed!

KIM storms in as well.

KIM CATTRALL

That's not all! I was brushing my teeth with some guy's dick and now the Abu Dhabi morality police are after me!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Oh, now I get it. We had to set the movie in the Middle East because it's the only place left where we can pretend that being sexually liberated in 2010 is groundbreaking.

CYNTHIA NIXON

We need to make the next flight back home or we'll have to fly back in coach!

KRISTIN DAVIS

Har har, the central conflict of the film's climax isn't really going to be that we might have to fly back in coach, right? Guys? Right?

SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM evade the police and eventually take shelter with a group of LOCAL WOMEN, who lift their abayas to reveal a bunch of DESIGNER BULLSHIT that the audience creams their panties over.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Look at that, underneath the getups, Arabian women are just as empty and materialistic as we are!

KRISTIN DAVIS

It's so great that it turns out the lives of these women aren't actually the horrible thing everyone thinks, but a completely different horrible thing entirely!

Everyone makes it to the plane and flies home FIRST CLASS, THANK GOD.

INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S APARTMENT

SARAH talks to CHRIS NOTH.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Listen, when I was in Abu Dhabi I managed to run into an ex-boyfriend.

MR. NOTH

That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. Writers are willing to attach their names to this crap?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I'm not done. He and I kissed. You forgive me, right? Before you answer, remember that the audience loves me no matter how shallow, whiny, or obnoxious I am because I have a great sense of style.

MR. NOTH

I forgive you. I'm just glad you could be honest with me. Whoops, penis fell off.

END