Sex and the City 2: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jul 6th, 2010 |
48 Comments
| Movie: 
"Exit light, enter night! Take my hand, off to never-never laaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!"
FADE IN:
INT. OVER-THE-TOP WEDDING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON, and KIM CATTRALL attend the wedding of WILLIE GARSON and MARIO CANTONE.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Wow, this wedding could only be gayer if the groomsmen were all fisting each other. I will ruminate on this introspectively and eventually use it to comment on how difficult it is to find a partner in New York.
KRISTIN DAVIS
Well I think it’s nice! Weddings are just super-swell!
CYNTHIA NIXON
I’M TOO BUSY LAWYERING TO ENJOY THIS WEDDING! LAWYERING THE LAW IS A LOT OF WORK! CAREER!
KIM CATTRALL
If I don’t gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I’m going to shove this wine bottle in my ass.
Suddenly, LIZA MINNELLI appears!
KIM CATTRALL
Holy shit, Liza Minnelli! What’s she doing here, besides confusing the audience members who have no idea who she is?
CYNTHIA NIXON
When a wedding is this gay, Liza Minnelli just materializes, ha ha!
KRISTIN DAVIS
I know you delivered that line sarcastically, but that appears to be the actual explanation.
LIZA MINNELLI
Someone told me that a show that’s been off the air for over 4 years was being made into a movie, so I showed up. I’m guessing that the total lack of funny jokes means that this isn’t the Arrested Development movie after all?
LIZA officiates the wedding, blissfully ending the scene but unfortunately bringing on the next one.
LIZA MINNELLI
Alright, do you take the broom? Broom? Is that a combination of bride and groom? Seriously, this shit passes for jokes over here?
WILLIE GARSON
No, the joke is that critically acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is going to sing “All the Single Ladies” for four dignity-shredding minutes.
KANYE WEST
Yo Willie, Imma let you finish, but Ron Paul had the most embarassing movie cameo of all time! Of all time!
(shrug)
INT. RESTAURANT
SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all sit at a posh country club table.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Alright gals, time for us to complain about everything while sitting around a dining table and not actually eating! I’ll start! My husband likes watching TV in our home, which makes it difficult for me to go out clubbing and pretend I’m not forty-five years old.
CYNTHIA NIXON
I hate my boss because he’s an unrealistic caricature of every boss that the audience members have ever assumed hated them because they have vaginas.
KRISTIN DAVIS
My nanny has larger breasts than me, which makes my brain completely stop working!
KIM CATTRALL
I’m on a shitload of drugs to keep my pussy from drying out. Oh, by the way, I’m visiting Abu Dhabi for a week and I want you all to come with me because one writer dared another to set this movie in the middle east.
INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER’S HOME
CHRIS NOTH comes home and sits on his couch to watch shows that are vastly superior to SEX AND THE CITY.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
I’m super pissed that you bought me a high-definition television and installed it in our bedroom. We shouldn’t need TV because it should be enough for us to have delightful conversations like this one.
MR. NOTH
Are you seriously complaining that I bought you an expensive TV?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Furthermore, I noticed you have brought home dinner. This offends me because I want to eat the same meal, but outside of our home and wearing a new dress that I bought. Also, get your feet off the couch. I don’t even want you sitting on it, let alone relaxing on it.
MR. NOTH
Are you really supposed to be the sympathetic protagonist? The kind of decadence that defines your character may have been tolerable in the late nineties, but we’re in a recession now!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
That’s it, I’m going to spend the next two days writing an article in my old apartment.
MR. NOTH
WE HAVE TWO APARTMENTS?!
SARAH writes an article titled “The Terrible Two’s” despite the fact that she’s allegedly a professional writer and would seemingly understand how to use apostrophes.
Meanwhile, KIM fills her cunt while CYNTHIA is one. KRISTIN calls SARAH.
KRISTIN DAVIS
I have to get out of this house! I somehow managed to just ruin a vintage, one-of-a-kind designer dress I was wearing while making cupcakes in the kitchen with my baby while my toddler was finger-painting.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Oh, you poor thing! That’s right, nobody in this movie is going to tell you what a fuckup you are. Pretty sure it’s because the writers don’t know. Sounds like we should go with Kim to Abu Dhabi!
SARAH returns home to talk to CHRIS.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Boy was I glad to be away from you for two days. So much for “can’t-live-without-each-other love,” eh?
MR. NOTH
Hey, I was thinking, what if I spend two days a week at your old apartment?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
(incensed)
What? Is this because I’m a nag?!
MR. NOTH
Your equine resemblance has nothing to do with this! I just figured you could use a couple days a week wearing ridiculous-looking outfits with your girlfriends!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Listen, I know I just spent two days away, but I was planning on doing that every couple months or so! You’re talking about increasing the frequency slightly! That’s insane! We’re married, I don’t want to do things without you any more!
(pause)
By the way, I’m going to Abu Dhabi for a week. Without you.
INT. ABU DHABI HOTEL
SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all arrive at a swanky hotel where they are greeted by the HOTEL MANAGER as well as an OVERUSAGE OF CHIMES.
HOTEL MANAGER
Welcome to Abi Dhabi! Your rooms are upstairs, you will find they include a complementary small gray kitten. Our country has been getting one in the mail about every week for 32 years.
KRISTIN DAVIS
Oh, this is so lovely, but I’m still obsessing over my husband oogling the nanny’s tits so I can’t even enjoy it!
KIM CATTRALL
I’m not allowed to take my vagina drugs here! There’s something worth complaining about in every country!
HOTEL MANAGER
Well, we’ve gotten each of you a private limo even though you will always be traveling together.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Four completely separate gas-guzzling limousines driving us through one of the most oil-rich regions of the world while BP leaks over 50,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico back home? Why are we still standing here, drive us to the furthest Saks Fifth Avenue!
SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM buy candles and shoes and shit.
KIM CATTRALL
Thanks for coming along, girls! I’d never want to go anywhere without my bestest friends in the whole world! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and get some strangers to spunk all over me.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
And I ran into my old boyfriend, John Corbett, so I’m going to dinner with him. See ya!
CYNTHIA NIXON
That’s cool, Kristin and I will hang out and get completely hammered but still manage to complain incessantly!
KRISTIN DAVIS
Raising kids is so difficult! If I didn’t have my vast wealth and a nanny, I’d probably just kill myself or something!
CYNTHIA NIXON
Totally understandable!
SARAH comes back, visibly upset.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
You guys, I just kissed John Corbett! I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek but I got distracted by his enormous forehead and missed!
KIM storms in as well.
KIM CATTRALL
That’s not all! I was brushing my teeth with some guy’s dick and now the Abu Dhabi morality police are after me!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Oh, now I get it. We had to set the movie in the Middle East because it’s the only place left where we can pretend that being sexually liberated in 2010 is groundbreaking.
CYNTHIA NIXON
We need to make the next flight back home or we’ll have to fly back in coach!
KRISTIN DAVIS
Har har, the central conflict of the film’s climax isn’t really going to be that we might have to fly back in coach, right? Guys? Right?
SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM evade the police and eventually take shelter with a group of LOCAL WOMEN, who lift their abayas to reveal a bunch of DESIGNER BULLSHIT that the audience creams their panties over.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Look at that, underneath the getups, Arabian women are just as empty and materialistic as we are!
KRISTIN DAVIS
It’s so great that it turns out the lives of these women aren’t actually the horrible thing everyone thinks, but a completely different horrible thing entirely!
Everyone makes it to the plane and flies home FIRST CLASS, THANK GOD.
INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER’S APARTMENT
SARAH talks to CHRIS NOTH.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Listen, when I was in Abu Dhabi I managed to run into an ex-boyfriend.
MR. NOTH
That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. Writers are willing to attach their names to this crap?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
I’m not done. He and I kissed. You forgive me, right? Before you answer, remember that the audience loves me no matter how shallow, whiny, or obnoxious I am because I have a great sense of style.
MR. NOTH
I forgive you. I’m just glad you could be honest with me. Whoops, penis fell off.
END
Didn't see it; didn't want to see it but couldn't wait to see what you wrote. Funny shite as usual. Thanks for sparing the rest of us the pain.
July 6th, 2010 at 6:39 amI find it difficult to imagine that anyone would write/film/distribute/watch a film this bad. I have sympathy for you Rod, if you actually sat through it all.
Oh, and sweet Garfield reference, I thought I was the only one to think of Nermal when anyone mentions Abu Dhabi…
July 6th, 2010 at 6:47 amLook, I love SATC, and the movies both blew, so I am completely behind this abridged script. About halfway through the movie, I thought that the perfect ending would have been for a plane to crash into the set and kill all of them (forgetting that it was even set in the middle east), and after seeing the actual end, I stand by my opinion. Dreadful.
July 6th, 2010 at 2:00 pmSATC on HBO was awesome. I went to see the first movie, enjoyed it. However, I took a pass on this one because, as you hit the nail on the head, it seemed so shallow and the writing was awful. Great script, as usual!
July 6th, 2010 at 8:00 amI laughed so hard at this it hurt. I commend you on sitting through the whole thing Rod, you are a stronger man than I.
July 6th, 2010 at 8:01 amI'm sorry you had to go through this piece of shit in order to entertain your audience. Great script!!!
July 6th, 2010 at 9:59 amNo star rating yet? Did you need more time to figure out how to display negative stars?
July 6th, 2010 at 10:07 amI'm starting to think that telling us that there is an obscure reference and then not telling anyone what it is is a universal human trait.
July 6th, 2010 at 10:10 amYears ago, there was a Garfield strip where Garfield shipped Nermal off to Abu Dhabi.
July 6th, 2010 at 2:09 pmI like the Garfield joke about the cats and abu dabi
July 6th, 2010 at 3:02 pmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Garfield_cha...
“A running gag on the show featured Garfield mailing (or trying to mail) Nermal to Abu Dhabi, which once resulted in himself getting mailed instead. Garfield even had his own song called “Abu Dhabi”, which he uses to tell Nermal all about the United Arab Emirates and how he will love it there (or rather, Garfield will love it for having Nermal on the other side of the world).”
July 6th, 2010 at 3:35 pmIt was also a running gag on the cartoon.
July 6th, 2010 at 5:22 pmI must add myself to the chorus of voices praising Rod's bravery for enduring this movie, just so he could entertain us. I mean, Mike and the guys at Rifftrax have never touched either of the SatC movies. They endured Battlefield Earth, Glitter, the Twilight series, and of course all the crappy movies from the MST3K era, but SatC was too much even for them. If that doesn't speak volumes about Rod's superhuman endurance, I don't know what does.
July 6th, 2010 at 6:45 pm(roaring ovation)……………nermal, LOL
July 6th, 2010 at 8:40 pm*looks at star rating* Wow. THAT bad?
July 7th, 2010 at 12:13 amExcellent! I actually enjoyed the movie for how ludicrous it was!
July 7th, 2010 at 8:27 am…OHHHHHHHHH! I had been misreading "kitten" as "kitchen". No wonder I never spotted the Nermal reference.
July 7th, 2010 at 12:53 pmI don't read Garfield because I have a sense of humor.
July 7th, 2010 at 3:32 pmI want to see it just so I can see the nanny's tits. I mean if they're central to the plot they must be spectacular!
July 7th, 2010 at 6:29 pmAs awful as it is, I still find Sex and the City to be more tolerable than Twilight, at least it makes an attempt to have a story and tries to relate to their audience. Women don't have a lot of movies marketed to them, so I sat through it for just for my girlfriend.
Whoops, penis fell off.
July 7th, 2010 at 8:43 pmI was waiting for you to do this one. Well worth the wait. :D
July 8th, 2010 at 2:27 amHeh.
You know, I unconsciously imagined those bitches' voices to sound just like the Teen Girl Squad (if you understand the reference, then wipe that smug grin off your face you colossal twat, you're not that special)
Surprisingly, it really fits!
July 9th, 2010 at 4:19 amI'll save you from the painful 95 percent of the movie that doesn't involve her…it's Alice Eve, the girl in She's Out Of My League. Not that I suggest you see that either. Really..just find some pics.
July 9th, 2010 at 5:13 amI HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY
July 9th, 2010 at 12:36 pmPoor Big.
July 10th, 2010 at 6:30 amWow. Thanks for actually watching this, so we could enjoy your take on it. I feel like I owe you something.
July 11th, 2010 at 7:46 pmNever seen an episode of SATC (and I'm a girl! gasp!) but this still managed to make me laugh. "Whoops, dick fell off" was such a great ending.
July 11th, 2010 at 9:35 pmThis was hilarious. Good job, champ.
July 13th, 2010 at 2:32 am“Lawyering the Law is a lot of work!” Hahahahahahaha! Oh man, and that line is still better than most of the writing in this movie.
July 13th, 2010 at 8:16 amChrist, that movie sounds atrocious.
July 14th, 2010 at 12:52 amThe Super abridged version: 3 Whores and Their Mom Go To Abu Dhabi. The End.
July 15th, 2010 at 9:32 amI actually really despise this criticism (which you lifted from Family Guy, by the way).
First of all, it's not accurate. I have never watched the show, but I have seen both movies, and it's abundandly clear that the only "whore" is Samantha (the one that the joke, oddly, does not call a whore). Miranda is a careerist, Charlotte is damn near a prude. As of the first movie, they are both in married, monogamous relationships, and as of the second movie so is Carrie.
More importantly, these characters are, in no way, "whores" even in the show as I understand it. They were all seeking love and relationships, and part of that quest included sex (and the frank discussion of it). These women simply treat sex the way men do: they enjoy it. I'm utterly sick of seeing women who are comfortable being sexual beings called "whores" or "sluts". Are we still so puritanical that we are so offeneded by women who like sex that we have to resort to name calling and derision?
Even Samantha is not a "whore" any more than your basic male is, and not even in the same ballpark as men (and especially teenage boys) in movies. The other three are still nowhere near that level. When people make a crack about Sex and the City being about whores, it makes me want to punch them in the face. You're holding our society back, dickwads. Its not the middle ages anymore, our womenfolk don't need to be chaste and pure while you blast your own jizz in anything warm that moves.
My biggest complaint is that SATC2 had to go to the middle east because frank discussion of sex by women was shocking in America in the 90's, but not in 2010. This kind of comment shows that its still somehow shocking to the western world. It's pathetic, you're validating the sense of smug accomplishment that the shitty filmmakers have about their movies.
This movie sucks because it celebrates decadence and shallowness during a recession. It sucks because its characters don't grow. It sucks because the writing is shit. It sucks because every god damn joke falls flat on its face. It sucks because it's utterly pointless. It sucks because it's a brainless vehicle for fashion designer product placement.
It does not suck because it's female cast likes to fuck. Fuck you.
July 15th, 2010 at 10:10 amYou do realize that the "mom" you refer to is only like 8 years older than the other three right?
July 17th, 2010 at 8:36 pm"Oh, now I get it. We had to set the movie in the Middle East because it’s the only place left where we can pretend that being sexually liberated in 2010 is groundbreaking"
Definitely deserves place in your personal top ten Rod. ROFL
July 18th, 2010 at 3:50 amLOL! Nice one man.
July 18th, 2010 at 3:53 amBut there really is no comparison between SATC and Twilight. Both are so absolutely pathetic, the concept of comparison loses it purpose.
I actually want to watch this movie now, just to see if it's as horrible as everyone says.
Also, I cracked up over that thing with the kitten. It just touched me in such a special way.
July 21st, 2010 at 8:18 amJesus. It was a fucking joke. I didn't see the Family Guy you're talking about and I've never and WILL never watch sex and the City. Fuck your condescending bullshit. You just lost a fan.
July 21st, 2010 at 12:36 pmIt wasn't just a joke, it was a criticism of the film (or, at the very least, of the existence of the film). And it's one that I've heard from way more people than just you, including the Family Guy episode that your friend ripped off which you then overheard.
Sorry mate, but whether you thought about what you were saying or not, you were repeating a criticism of the movie that I fucking can't stand. I assumed it was one you stood behind, but I guess not.
I'll retract my "Fuck You" and direct it instead at whoever you heard say it and meant it.
(As an aside, I also completely detest when people hide behind "it was a joke" as if it somehow makes the truth that the joke wraps inherently uncounterable. It's like saying something completely offensive and then saying "no offense" or prefixing a completely personal attack with "nothing personal, but…")
July 21st, 2010 at 1:17 pmI didn't say it was a joke to make it seem uncounterable. I said it was a joke because it was a JOKE. (Albeit a bad and apparently overdone one) I just find it upsetting that for someone who writes hilarious parodies as you do, you sure are a touchy prick. I really respect your writing and what you do here. This site is original and entertaining and funny as hell and if I don't read any of your stuff again I doubt it will put a dent in your following but I detest people that badger their fans for the tiniest thing. With all the garbage spewing idiots on the internet you get offended at MY little retarded quip? This IS a humor site. Try keeping your sense of humor even after you've finished a script.
July 23rd, 2010 at 11:19 amSOOO GOOD!
July 27th, 2010 at 4:02 pmActually, Puritans were quite happy about sex; they just wanted to keep it within the bounds of marriage. You're probably thinking of Victorians.
July 27th, 2010 at 4:05 pmAlso funny because the guy who plays STEVE on SATC voiced Nermal in the awful live-action Garfield movies.
July 30th, 2010 at 9:11 amNext time anybody makes the size of any woman's tits a central plot point, I'm going to protest that they be Russ Meyer approved first. And yes, I am all for reanimating his corpse for this process.
Certainly, Alice Eve is an attractive woman, but if we're just focusing on tits here, there's nothing there that really pops out at you. (No pun intended) This is the problem when gay men try to handle heterosexual plot points . . . This is the slippery slope that leads to making Sarah Jessica Parker a sex symbol.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:43 pmSir, you have spared my brain the pain it would have suffered, had it been forced to undergo the torture of actually seeing this movie equivalent of junk food….
August 5th, 2010 at 2:36 pm"If I don’t gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I’m going to shove this wine bottle in my ass." – Samantha in a nutshell!!!
August 25th, 2010 at 3:32 amHilarious as usual!!! great post guys!!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
(incensed)
What? Is this because I’m a nag?!
MR. NOTH
Your equine resemblance has nothing to do with this!
omgggggggg
August 26th, 2010 at 10:00 amHow is that funny?
August 31st, 2010 at 10:42 amhe was just kidding
August 31st, 2010 at 10:43 am